THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '9:45pm bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2020

"IT ANLY TAKES 30 SECONDS TO SCORE A GOAL!"

Again, aa heeded for grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose to watch the game on BT (coz aa divvint have it!)

A dire 1st half from us in an empty stadium resulted in a goal less scoreline at the break!----and we were lucky, az Villa had a couple of chances, which they thankfully 'fluffed'

The 2nd half woz a bit better and we took the lead through Dwight Gayle before we scored?---Let me explain! Craig (wor lasses son) got a message alert on hiz phone that Gayle had scored!
"Its still nil-nil" aa said az aa pointed to the score in the top coner of the screen!  
30 seconds later Gayle got a pass from Andy Carroll and sure enough, he buried it into the back of the Villa net at 'The Gallowgate End'! (the 'live' game woz in fact at least a minute behind the play on the pitch!---alledgedly!)
A completely 'flat' goal celebration followed from me because of this!

Craig then said that Lascelles had been booked, even though the baall woz nee where near him at the time! 
BUT!--sure enough some 40 odd seconds later, he woz indeed booked for a foul on a Villa attacker!

Craig then put the phone to one side so we couldn't be distracted again, and 'shock, horror', 'The Hazbeenz' equalised through ex mackem player Elmohamady just 7 minutes from time after a mix up from a corner by Almiron, Shelvey and Toon goalie Dubravka!

It ended 1-1 and I have to say I woz totally underwhelmed by wor performance and the 'live' telly coverage!

Honestly, aa hated watchin' it with the fake crowd noise and the empty seats covered with various banners, like 'HOWAY THE LADS' etc! (I would have preferred to not have the crowd noise, but it wasn't my telly or hoose, woz it?)

Mee 2nd 'NUFC tellyhoppers' game in a row!----with unfortunately many (many!) more to follow!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Rose, Hayden (Bentaleb 86), Shelvey, Ritchie (Gayle 67), Saint-Maximin, Joelinton (Carroll 64), Almiron (Lazaro 86)

Official attendance: 2 (Just meesel and Craig) (The grandbairns played on their X boxes in their bedrooms!) *Wise move!

THE TOON V THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS REPORT TOONEET

Posted '2:00pm bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2020

A 'Tellyhoppers' match report will appear here later tooneet!
Better late than never!
This is The Geordie Times after aall!🤪

THE TOON V THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS ***PREMYAA LEEGUE *** TOMORROW TEATIME

Posted '7:00pm bells' Tuesday 23rd Joon 2020

THE HOLTE END, VILLA PARK, MAY 2009

NO!---WE HAVVINT FORGOTTEN!

Anothaa home game, the 2nd in 4 days will take place at '6:00 bells' when we take on relegation threatened Villa at an empty SJP!

Again aa will be telly and chair-hopping at grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose, az aa divvint have Sky or BT! (Never got it, coz aa woz aalways at NUFC televised games anyway!)

Normally aa would take a days holiday from work and 'gan on the hoy' before gannin to the game! (But with both pubs and groonds no go, there's not much point---iz there!?)

But theeze are strange times indeed and mee shifts at work have changed from nights to days coz there isnt enough work for both shifts at the moment, coz of 'the bat out of hell' virus!
I should be back from Redditch on 'mee truck run' from the Team Valley in Gatesheed, in time for the teatime kick off!?

Let's hope we put anothaa nail in 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' relegation coffin, az they 'took the piss' oot of us in 2009 and 2016 when we were relegated at their place twice!
(See top banner hung from The Holte End in those dark days!)

Aalso, let's hope we can make it a reeely black day for their fans watchin from their Midland homes!

A full 'tellyhoppers'  match report will appear here in due course!

THE TOON 3 THE BLADE RUNNERS 0 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2029-2020

Posted '9:00pm bells' Sunday 21st Joon 2020

"THEY'LL BE DANCIN' ROOND THEIR TELEVISIONS ON TYNESIDE, AS THEY ARE IN QUARANTOON!"

SAINT-MAXIMIN'S STRIKE FOR THE FORST GOAL!

A game we couldn't gan tee and dreaded, torned oot to be one of wor best performances of the season as we bolstered wor goal tally by 3!

With nee possible way of gettin in, we were resigned to watchin it on 'the box' and so it 'came to pass' that aa heeded for grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose to watch it on mammy and daddy's big screen in their livin room!

THE VIEWIN' CHAIR AND COMPULSARY BEER!

A few bottles of DOG were chilled in the fridge and by the time the first bottle woz poured oot the game had started az the the players shouts echoed aroond the empty stadium!

Crowd noise woz added, but it didnt seem real az fans in seats were replaced by banners!

THE ANLY 'LIVE' BANNER ON VIEW IN THE WHEELIE BIN STORE!

Joelinton scuffed an easy chance at the midpoint of the half at The Leazes End and the teams went in scoreless at the break with The Toon edging it!

The turning point in the game came in the 50th minute when Sheff U defender John Egon grabbed Joelinton az he raced past the halfway line!
The ref immediately reached for hiz red card and the defender woz dismissed for not obeying the social distancing rules!(or woz it coz 'Joe' woz clean through?)

Anyway!---soon after this Saint-Maximin scored at The Gallowgate End when a cross woz missed by one of their back 4 and The Saint had the relatively easy chance to slot the baall into the back of the net for the opening goal! (Wor forst at home for ower 300 minutes!)

A few minutes later Matt Richie hit a pile driver from 20 yards oot to double wor lead!

The icing on the cake came not lang after when Joelinton scored his first ever home goal in the Premyaa Leegue to secure the 3 points and wot looks like relative safety of 38 points and a climb up 2 places in the table to 12th place and (more importantly!) 11 points above the drop zone!

The telly commentator then spoke theeze immoral words az the ref blew for full time:
"They'll be dancing round their televisions on Tyneside, as they are in quaranTOON!" ("sic!") 


Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Rose, Hayden, Shelvey (Schar 85), Ritchie (Yedlin 92), Saint-Maximin (Bentaleb 79), Almiron (Lazaro 85), Joelinton (Carroll 79)

Offical attendance: 9 in the livin room, includin me takin the picture!

Like aa say, it woz weird watchin it on the telly for the first time this century and 1,201 games without missing!

Of course aa wasnt the anly one to miss the game az many of the loyal NUFC mad sad groundhoppers became mad sad chair-hoppers for the day at various locations aroond the UK and Ireland!

And we reproduce below some of the many photos of cans, bottles and chairs that Toon fans sat in for today's game!

BRACKNELL, BERKSHIRE

MAYNOOOTH, IRELAND

HEATON, NEWCASIL

HOWDEN ON TYNE

WEST DENTON, NEWCASIL

DARLO

BENSHAM, GATESHEED

LANGLEY PARK (WHERE BOBBY ROBSON WOZ BORN!)

DUNSTON ON TYNE

And there will be many more of these 'sessions' in the comin weeks, with 9 more games at least still to be played behind closed doors!

THEY 'FINK' ITS AALL OVER!---IT IZ NOW!

Posted '1:33am bells' Saturday 6th Joon 2020
Re-posted and updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 21st Joon 2020

It is with a very heavy heart that 'The Geordie Times' reproduces the behind closed doors fixtures for Joon and the start of July!
Aa say 'very heavy heart' as this is because that many, many, Toon fans havvint missed a game for years!

In my case it will be the forst competitive game home or away, including Europe that a'v missed this century, which totals up at 963 games! (Aye!-- a'v counted them up!)

Az for home games alone, the Sheffeeld United game on Sunday 22nd Joon, will be the forst home game a'v missed for many a year and anly the 5th home game missed since 1967 (includin' friendlies) when aa woz 12 years old!---53 years ago! 

Aalso, wor FA Cup qwaataa final tie at home Man City on Sunday 28th Joon at '6:00 bells, will be the forst home cup tie of any description that a'v missed in 54 years! (FA Cup, Leegue Cup and European ties) 

And with a forthaa 4 home games after theeze and 4 away, this will meen in total that 10 games in a row will be missed at the very -least!---a tragedy for aall Toon diehards!

Aa aalways knew that one day mee 'run' would come to an end and the 'chain would be broken', eethaa through ill health, unforeseen family circumstances, or indeed the day aa leave this planet for 'level 7 heaven' up in the sky! (az opposed to 'level 7 heaven' up in 'The Milburn Stand'!) BUT! aa never EVER would have believed that a 'bat out of hell' virus from the othaa side of the world in Chinaa, would prevent me from gannin to watch an NUFC game!---NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! 

Mee consecutive games record in total iz 1,201, which will now come to an abrupt end today, at '2:00pm bells' precisely!😬 
The forst time in wor 128 year existence that we will have had to play a game withoot fans present!--
A BLACK DAY INDEED IN WOR LANG HISTORY!

Like aa say, aam not the anly one, 'Glennn from Ashington' hazzint missed a competitive game in the UK since 1986 and 'Big Al' (not the sheet metal workers son!) hazzint missed a game anywhere, includin Europe since 1991!

There are quite a few more az well, who aa see at every away game, but don't know their names, just their faces!

Of course loyal fans of othaa clubs who have to play BCD are in the same boat as well!

Aa honestly beleeeve that if it isn't safe for fans to gan to games, then it isnt safe for players eethaa!
There is a 50/50 split amongst fans, whether games shud be played  behind closed doors, or NOT!
(They shud have waited til the virus woz beaten and then resumed this season then---pushin back next season to start in the new year!, or whenever!)

And just where will aa watch it?  Whey in grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose, where mammy and daddy have got a big screen in their livin' room!
A few bottles of 'DOG' will be consumed az well, for medicinal purposes of course, to calm mee norves!
A full Geordie Times 'tellyhoppers' report will appear here later!
AZ per usual, "Watch this space!"

Toon games annoonced so far!  
Sun 21st Joon: Sheffeeeld United---SJP---'2:00bells'---Sky

Wed 24th Joon: The Hazbeenz and Villains--SJP--6:00bells'--BT

Sun 28th Joon: The Blue Moonies--FA Cup--SJP--'6:00bells'--BBC

Wed 1st July: Bournemoooth--Vitality Stadium--'6:00bells'--Sky

Sun 5th July: The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham--SJP--'2:00bells' Sky

Wed 8th July: The Blue Moonies--Emptyaid Stadium (Well it WILL be empty!)--'6:00 bells' BT

Sat 11th July: Wotfaad--Vicarage Road--'12:30 bells' Amazon

To be conformed: Sporz (SJP), Nee Where Near Brightin (AMEX Stadium), The Liverbirds (SJP) 

Aall fixtures (so far!)

It's been on the BBC news that 42,000 in total, have now lost their lives in the UK alone, with anothaa 150 lost in the last day!---and still The Premyaa Leegue want to play on, just for the TV money! (Of course!)

RIP to each and every one of those poor souls who have lost their lives to the 'bat out of hell's virus!

LIVE SPORT ON TV? *** NEE SUCH THING!

Posted '11:20am bells' Saturday 20th Joon 2020

A FRIENDLY v HULL AT SJP LAST WEEK! *** 52,000 EMPTY SEATS!

Anyone watchin the NUFCs 'live' game on the telly on Sunday, be warned!
Yoo will NOT be watchin' a live game az there will be a delay of between 5 and 90 seconds!
This is to stop any f*****' bad language from players or backroom staff alike, (which yoo will be able to hear in an empty stadium) which will be edited oot, before yoo hear it in your livin' room!

And farcically, any 'fan screens' in the groond that celebrate a goal, will be miles oot of synchronisation with the actual goal!----Anything from 5 to 90 seconds, accordin' to reports!

Canned crowd noise, cardboard cutoot fans and favourite chants will be broadcast, makin it like a reality TV game show!
(Wot next, clowns and circus acts?)

We shall soon find oot tomorrow afternooon at '2:00 bells' when we take on 'The Blade-Runners of Sheffeeeld' at an empty St James' Park!

"RAAB IN FAVOUR OF TAKEOWER!" ********** (GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!)

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 19th Joon 2020

The reeel Raab!

"I'm telling yooo!

This deal must gey throoogh!"

Iz THIS the day we finally find oot the outcome of the takeower???

Raab, 'The Secretary of State', haz said that the UK needs investment from places like Saudi Arabia, which puts just a little bit pressure on The Premyaa Leegue to finally give the 'green light'!

Anothaa 'Raab'!

They MUST give a decision soon, or else we'll aall gan mad!

Rest assured that 'The Geordie Times' will be the last with the breakin' news!

FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE!

Posted '7:00pm bells' Wedinzday 17th Joon 2020

Yet anothaa twist in the seemingly never ending NUFC takeower saga, iz that its reported that American billionaire Henry Mauriss has tabled a bid of $440,000,000 dollars, which is £350,000,000 quid!---Shud the Saudi PIF bid fail the 'test'-----'This is £50,000,000 above the asking price?   Which begs the question, why would he offer more than woz asked?

This story has been reported in several media outlets, but iz it yet anothaa 'ploy' to sell papers etc--- or a devious plan by wor current owner 'The Fat Controller' to get the Premyaa Leegue to "get their fingers oot" and make a decision, one way or the othaa on the PIF!?

Talkin of 'The Premyaa Leegue', the forst match behind closed doors is takin place at Villa Park, az we speak, where the 'Hazbeenz and Villians' are takin on 'The Bladerunners of Sheffeeeld'!

Not watchin, (not bothered) but Glennn from Ashington iz and says it's a load of crap playin with nee crowd!

The forst of 92 games with nee fans allowed!
And aall for "A few dollars more!" from the Telly giants, az the death toll rises by 184 in the last day!

You've got to get your priorities right---havvint yoo!?

TODAY'S THE DAY!

Posted '8:15am bells' near Ferrybridge power station A1 Tuesday 16th Joon 2020
Updated at Redditch '12:45pm bells'
Updated again after report woz published!

"POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"

The World Trade Organisation (WTO) are due to give their report on the piracy issues today!

Hopefully there will be a positive answer to the Saudi takeower!
We will nervously keep you posted on any developments!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

Just in WTO report
'3:00 pm bells'🙏

The report is a bit 'gobbaldy gook' and doesnt directly name NUFC or the potential takeower by the PIF group
It's a mammoth report and we make nee apology for not printing it!
The Saudis are named in the piracy, but it isnt clear exactly how that could effect where the takeower stands!

Anothaa delay while 'The Premyaa Leegue' try to make sense of the 125 page document!
(We can't!)

One day (before we all die, hopefully!) they will finally make a decision!

Some Twitter 'tweets' on the report below!

"DON'T MENTION THE VOLCANO!"

Posted '4:30am bells' Munday 15th Joon 2020

News that UKTV have banned the Fawlty Towers episode, "DON'T MENTION THE WAR!", because of its racial overtones, reaches The Geordie Times!

When we went to Plymouth Argyle for a game in 2009, wor flight to Exeter from Toon airport woz grounded because the ash from a volcano which had erupted in Iceland drifted ower the British isles, which meant that we had to drive the 800 mile roond trip to Devon at the last moment! (It soonds unbeleeevible, but true!(

Fawlty Towers hotel woz based in Devon, which gave me the idea for the title to that classic story, which iz reprinted below!
"DON'T MENTION THE VOLCANO!"