"TWO DOON *** ONE TO GAN!"

Posted '2:58pm bells' Wedinzday 3rd April 2019

ONE PUB FOR NUFC FANS TO AVOID! (IN YORK!)

Fulim's 4-1 thrashin' at Wotfaad last neet meeenz that they are relegated alang with 'uddersfeeeld, leavin' just one place left in the relegation trapdoor!
'The Taffy Noses of Cardiff' look the most likely to fall through it, az they have a very tough run in, includin' Man City away tooneet, The Liverbirds at home and Moan U away on the last day of the season!
Cardiff are 7 points behind us with 7 games left and a far inferior goal difference az well!

2 othaa relegation rivals are aalso in action tooneet when Chelski play Brightin at home---and of course the well published openin'  of Sporz new stadium, when they take on Cristil Palliss

3 home wins would de very nicely (pleeeze!) and I will be sittin' glued to mee wagon's radio tooneet az aa de mee usual night truck run ower the M62 to Manchester!

NUFC of course are at home to Palliss on Saturday and 3 points in that game will surely make us safe!

Footnote: By amazin' coincidence the above pub owners were fined £44,000 when a delivery driver fell through an open trapdoor and into the bar's cellar!!!! 
(ie: A VERY appropriate name for a pub in this case!)

Updated 10:10pm bells in Eccles, Manchester.

Wor wishes came true!
Chelski beat Brightin 3-0
Man City beat Cardiff 2-0
and Sporz beat Palliss 2-0 at their brand new stadium!

THE ARSE 2 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted from '8:00am bells' on train from King's Cross, Tuesday 2nd April 2019

"APRIL FOOLS!"

I am writin this on the train yem after yet anothaa horror show in London!
Havin lost on wor last 6 visits to 'The Arse' it woz nee suprize to lose yet again on 'April Fools Day'!
Thankfully, this woz 'a free hit' az Cardiff had lost the previous day, meeenin that we would still be 7 points clear, even if we lost---which of course we did!

A terrible performance from The Toon against a side which woz below par to say the least!

We survived til the 30th minute when Aaron Ramsey sidefooted a shot which went in off the post in front of the 3,000 Toon diehards who had made the treck to The Emirates!

We couldnt respond az we hardly crossed the halfway line durin the forst period!

It woz nee better the 2nd half az The Arse tried to double their lead az they pounded wor goal!
They finally did so in the 83rd minute when Lascelles failed to win the baall and Lacazette 'lobbed it' ower Dubravka in The Toon goal, to win the game! (Sadly this woz anothaa 'damage limitation exercise' to keep the score doon!)
Not one of wor players played well and we have failed to win in London in 5 attempts this season!
Not anly that but we have failed to beat any London team at home, eethaa!
"April Fools", every one!

Toon team line up to follow later
The train iz jumpin aall ower the place makin it hard to type!
Much later!: Toon team, Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Leugene, Dummett, Richie (Kenedy 75), Diame, Hayden (Ki 67), Almiron, Perez (Muto77), Rondon

Attendance:59,869? (50,000 at most includin' 3,000 Toon fans)

THE 100 AWAY PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE!
6 new boozers were added to the list, makin a total of 114 so far,  includin 36 London pubs!

EXMOUTH ARMS

EATONS

                                                                   THE ENKEL ARMS

THE SHAKESPEARE (twice!)

ARKSTAR

TOMMY FLYNNS

FROM UTTER DISPAIR TO UNBRIDLED JOY IN THE SPACE OF ONE HOUR!

Posted '11:15am bells' April Fools Day 2019

"WHO SAYS THE mackems ARE THICK?"

Yesterday afternoon woz quite a day if yoo were an NUFC fan.

Forst of aall we wanted Chelski to beat Cardiff to keep the gap to 7 points between us and them.

We were watchin the match in The Leazes End Club behind St. James' Park when Cardiff scored!----If it stayed this way then we would anly be 4 points from a relegation place!

Then a Toon fan called Jason asked if we wanted to see the score from Wembley in The Checkatrade Trophy final between the SMBs and Portsmoooth!
"NO!" I said but he still looked at hiz phone anyway and said: "Yoo don't want to know!"---which meant the mackems had scored!

It woz aall doom and gloom at this point az we drowned wor sorrows in pints of John Smiths!

Chelski were terrible, but with just 6 minutes to gan they scored a controversial 'offside goal' which stood---much to the anger of Neil Warnock in the Cardiff dugout!
There woz forthaa anger when a Chelski defender brung a Cardiff player doon when he woz clear!----A certain sendin' off?----NO!---the ref just booked him to forthaa enrage Warnock who's heed looked likely to 'explode'!

And then the 'ecstasy' az Chelski scored a last minute winner to send us wild in the club!----The gap woz still 7 points and even if we lose tooneet at Arsenal we will still be 7 points clear of Cardiff with just 7 games to gan!

Az aa woz leavin the club when the barmaid caalled Christine said that the Wembley game had gone to extra time! (a bit of hope at least!)
By the time a'd waaked doon to The Junction Bar I got a text message from mee mate called Dowaz!
I nervously looked at it and it said that Pompey had won 5-4 on penalties, with the mackem we love to hate, Lee Cattermole missin hiz penalty to give Portsmoooth the cup! (couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke!)----Unbridled joy came ower me, az I watched Portsmoooth lift the cup on the bars big screen, az Toon fans danced aroond the bar, az the beer went doon withoot touchin the sides!

A then the picture messages started comin' through!

'MISS' CATTERMOLE!

THEY CAN'T EVEN WIN THE MICKEY MOUSE CUP!

A day in the life of an NUFC diehard! 

OOH! a nearly forgot---there will be a full Geordie Times match report from Arsenal tomorrow mornin' on the train back from London! 

THE ARSE V THE TOON *** APRIL FOOLS DAY!

Posted '9:32am bells' Sunday 31st March 2019

"WHO'LL BE THE APRIL FOOLS?"

For the 15th successive time we play away on a Munday neet and this iz wor 3rd time this season, followin' games at Bornley and Wolves!

We travel doon at dinnaatime tomorrow and will arrive at King's Cross in good time for some 'liquid lubrications' after dumpin' wor owerneet bags in the hotel not far away from the station!

We've anly won here once in 13 visits since 'The Arse' moved to 'The Emirates' in 2006, when Andy Carroll got the winner 9 years ago in a 1-0 win----since then we have lost 6 times in a row and not tooo many people give us any chance of breakin that sequence tomorrow!

Results yesterday meen that we slip to 14th place in the table and we can anly hope that Chelski win at Cardiff this afternoon to keep the gap at 7 points between us and them!
'uddersfeeeld are relegated, soon to be followed by Fulim and hopefully Cardiff! 

Lets hope that we arnt 'The April Fools' come '10:00 bells' tomorrow neet!
A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear here sometime on Tuesday morning on the train back from London!

Meeenwhile, tomorrow, we will publish a 'classic' archive 'April Fools Day' match report from 1972, when we played Sheffeeeld United at Bramall Lane!
"APRIL FOOL!---THE JUDGE IS A GEORDIE!" 

THE ARSE v THE TOON *** PREMYAA LEEGUE **** MUNDAY NEET!

Posted '4:38pm bells' Friday 29th March 2019

1 SHILLING FOR A PROGRAMME IN 1968 (5 pence!)

On Munday we heed for 'the smoke' (London) yet again for the umpteenth time this season, where we take on 'The Arse' at 'The Em'!

The Geordie Times forst ever visit to London woz way back in 1968 when the UK WOZ an INDEPENDENT country, FREE from words like 'Brexit' and 'Backstop' AND 'decimalisation', where money woz in pounds, shillings and pence and match admission woz 2 shillings (10 pence) for school kids like me!

Arsenal Stadium, Highbury woz the venue 51 years ago where NUFC played oot a 0-0 draw on the 9th of November !

It seems like a lifetime (and a half!) ago, and a match report from that game iz reproduced in the archive match report below
(Ground number 004) "IS HAROLD IN?"

NEW PREMYAA LEEGUE GROOND!

Posted '3:44pm bells' Wedinzday 27th March 2019

THE 1st GOAL AT 'THE GAME IS ABOUT GLORY' STADIUM?

*The forst ever games at Sporz new groond woz played on Sunday when Sporz U18s played Sooothampton U18s and won 3-1 in front of a 28,000 crowd!

Sporz forst team will play there for the forst time when they meet Cristil  Paliss on April 3rd, meenin' that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will have a new Premyaa Leegue groond to add to wor list, hopefully next season (provided we divvint gan doon of course!)

This meeenz that oot of the current 20 Premyaa Leegue clubs, NINE have now moved to new stadiums in recent years, with Evaatin planning to move to 'pastures new' by 2023!

The Geordie Times haz actually been to 29 old and new groonds of the 20 current Premyaa Leegue sides! (with number 30 still to be visited of course!)

In the order of visits (some stadium names have changed)
1 St James' Park, Newcasil
2 Anfield, Liverpoool
3 Highbury, Arsenil (now a housin complex) 
4 Molineux, Wolves
5 Maine Road, Man C (now a hoosin complex)
6 The Dell, Sooothampton (now a housin complex)
7 Upton Park, West Ham (now a housin complex)
8 Selhurst Park, Cristil Palliss
9 Goodison Park, Evertin
10 Filbert Street, Lestaa
11 Leeds Road, 'uddersfeeeld (now a retail park)
12 Stamford Bridge, Chelski
13 Old Trafford, Moan U
14 White Hart Lane, Sporz (now demolished)
15 Turf Moor, Bornley
16 Craven Cottage, Fulim
17 Goldstone Ground, Brightin  (now a housin complex)
18 Ninian Park, Cadifff (now a housin complex)
19 Vicarage Road, Wotfaad
20 Dean Court, Bournemoooth
21 McAlpine Stadium, 'uddersfeeeld (junior game)
22 St Mary's Stadium, Sooothampton
23 Walkers Stadium, Lestaa
24 City of Manchester Stadium, Man C
25 Emirates Stadium, Arsenil
26 Cardiff City Stadium, Cardiff
27 Amex Stadium, Brightin
28 London Stadium, West Ham
29 Wembley Stadium, Sporz 
30? Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Sporz?

In total we have played 48 different clubs on 57 different groonds in the Premyaa Leegue era! 

BAD BLUE BOYS *** CHAMPIONS!

Posted '10:10pm bells' Tuesday 26th March 2019

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!****

OF THE WORLD!"

We are pleased to tell yoo that wor fave non leegue team 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston have just been crowned Northern Leegue champions when they defeated Guisboro 3-1 at Federation Park, Dunston this evenin'

Congratulations from The Geordie Times!🏆

"AALREET MEE OLD CHINA!"

Posted '1:45pm bells' Tuesday 26th March 2019

News reaches The Geordie Times that NUFC ARE gannin to play in a pre season tournament in China alang with Man City, Wolves and West Ham, az we reported a while back!

Wor forst game will be played in Nanjing on Wedinzday July 17th with the othaa one in Shanghai on Saturday July 20th, which iz a 3 hour high speed train ride from Nanjing!

Wor opponents for the forst game haaz still to be announced and we will bring yoo, 'wor loyal reeders' news of this az soon az we find oot!

The winners of the forst 2 games in Nanjing will play each other for The Premyaa Leegue Asian Trophy in Shanghai, with the losers playin' each othaa for the 3rd place and 4th place wooden spoon! 

PS: Rafa the Gaffa iz known to not be in favour of lang haul pre season trips and it remains to see if he will still be in charge by July?

ANOTHAA BLANK WEEK!

Posted '12:57pm bells' Munday 25th March 2019

With nee forst team game til next Munday neet away to 'The Arse' in norf London because of the International break, we are left 'kickin wor heels' for a 2nd weekend in a row!
Wor U18s ARE in action at Clayton Wood Trainin' Complex v Stoke U18s, next Saturday (in Stoke), but 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have been there before to watch wor resorves play---so thats a non starter! (ie: We've got the 'tee shirt'!)

By the time we play 'The Arse', aall of wor relegation rivals will have played, so next Saturday and Sunday afternoon I will be 'glued' to the telly screens in Toon pubs lookin' for the latest scores and results!🍺🍺🍺🍺

SIX more points from wor remain' 7 games should be enough to see us safe and reach the 'magical' 40 points mark!
4 of those games are against relegation rivals, Cristil Paliss, Sooothampton, Brightin and Fulim and 2 are against 2 of the so caaled 'big six', 'The Liverbirds' and of course 'The Arse' next Munday
(The othaa game iz against Lestaa who are mid table)

More on wor game next Munday later on this week! 

IT'S NOT JUST THE BIG CLUBS WHO GET GAMES POSTPONED AT THE LAST MINUTE!

Posted '10:44ambells' Sunday 24th March 2019

With nee forst team game on a Saturday (again!) because of International fixtures, some of the lads decided to heed for deepest Cumbria, where wor fave non leegue club 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston were supposed to be playin Penrith in a Northern Leegue championship decider! (The Northern Leegue iz the 9th tier of Inglish futbaall)
If Dunston won at bottom club 'Penrith Sheep Sh****rs' and 'The Bishops of Auckland' lost, Dunston would crowned leegue champions!

With train tickets booked, 'Grumpy Stumpy' and 'Davy the Silver Fox' were lookin forward to their visit to Penrith!  BUT! there woz ' a spanner in the works' az the game woz cancelled because Penrith had a county cup match away to Wigton, which takes priority!

They still went and got 'rat-arsed' in Penrith toon centre instead, where there  are 'bars a plenty'!

Yours truely had planned to gan az well, but couldn't, coz I woz on a *CPC course, which iz a requirement of aall truckers to do to keep on drivin' HGVs (*Certificate of Professional Competence) 
(I'd arranged the course on Saturday coz The Toon wornt playin'!---forgettin that Dunston were!---allegedly!)

Never mind!---'The Bad Blue Boys', who are well clear of the chasin' pack, will probably win it through the week when they take on Guisborough at home az 'The Bishops' lost 3-2 at Hebburn!----Just ONE point will secure the title!

Watch this space to find oot if they 'did it'!

PS: Wor U23s WERE in action at dinnaa time yesterday in a rearranged game and beat Wolves 2-0 with goals from Bartlett and an own goal!
just 189 were in attendance at Benton (az this game woz re-arranged late, I couldnt gan there eethaa!)