"DIDN'T WE JUST KNOW IT!"

Posted '3:20pm bells' Friday 29th May 2015

"NEW CONTRACT?---NO!---IT'S MY HOLIDAY ITINERARY!"

   
News that NO decision haz been made on John 'the best coach' Carver's future, despite the club promising to do so by the end of this week, comes az NO surprise to us!
They said that they would let him know before he went away on holiday--but predicably they HAVVENT and have left him (and hiz backroom staff) in limbo with just 35 days to gan before pre season trainin' starts again on July 2nd! <(that's reet!--just 35 days before it aall starts again!)

SO many names have been bandied aboot to just who 'might'? succeed Carver, shud he get the 'bullet', but of course NUFC are after a 'dogsbody 'yes-man' manager' who will "do as he is told" and who doesn't want tooo much pocket money--like!

We at 'The Geordie Times' can see this draggin' on throughoot June and of course NO maanager meenz NO new signings!

Same again next season?---we shall see ---but divvint HAAD your breath!

'PENFOLD' TO DECIDE WOR FATE!

Posted '1:35pm bells' Wednesday 27th May 2015

"I WONDER IF JOKE KINNEAR IS STILL AVAILABLE?"

News that wor beloved managin' director known affectionately az 'Penfold' to Toon fans, haz been given sole responsibility (alang with the 'board'?) of pickin' wor next manager/coach, haz sent shock waves aroond Tyneside!

Former understudy and 'dogsbody' to former club secretary Russell Cushing, 'Penfold's knowledge of futbaall management can be written on the back of a second class postage stamp and we can anly hope that he (somehow!) picks the right man (ie: NOT! Joke Kinnear---NOT! John 'the pie' Carver and NOT! 'The Wally with the Brolly' who waz unceremoniously sacked by Derby Coonty yesterday!)

We await with trepidation to see just how next season will 'unfold' with 'Penfold' steerin' the 'HMS Newcastle' this time!---hopefully not into some rocks or an iceberg!

THE TOON 2 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 25th May 2015

"IF YI HIGHER THAN the mackems CLAP YI HANDS!"

"GET THE CHAMPAGNE  OOT!"

At last!---sommik to cheer!---sommik to celebrate?---After 12 lang weeks of misery we can finally let wor hair doon and party!

The fact that it came doon to the last day of the season, not knowin' wethaa we would be heedin' for Rotherham, MK Dons or Chelski next season, made it the worst day for finger bitin' since we went doon @ Villa in 2009!

The talk in The Bodega Bar before the match waz 'just that' az we downed more liquid lubrications than normal before a game to make sure we were a bit 'comatosed' by kick off time!
Veteran 'old git' fan 'Dave from York' telt me that he had just completed 65 years of watchin' The Toon and had witnessed 5 relegations! <(lets hope this wasn't 'number 6' today!)

"65 YEARS OF SADNESS!"

I arrived on the concourse of 'level 7' to witness an amazin' event!---The Fat Controller waz speakin' on the telly!?-----and told the SKY reporter that he WAS'NT leavin' til we'd won a 'cup' and that he would invest some money into new players etc and spend and punch 'above our weight'! <(az he weighs a 'canny bit' he must meeen aboot £100,000,000!) 
('The Geordie Times' said that he wouldn't attend the game--so he obviously reedz this website and decided he HAD to come to prove us wrong!)


"SUPER HERO SPIDERMAN!"

Then to the main event!---We started off well and nearly took the lead @ The Leazes End in the forst minute when Riviere shot across the box to huge roars from the crowd--who were 100% behind the team!


"LET THE FINGER BITIN BEGIN!"


There waz a scare a couple of minutes later @ The Gallowgate End when Wiiliamson clattered Valencia in the box but the ref waved 'play on'!
The lad who sits 2 seats from me had hiz transistor radio plugged into hiz right lug and waz listenin' to the Hull v Man U game!

He telt us that Hull had had TWO goals disallowed and that they were 'aall over' Man U! <(the nerves were janglin'!)

We were the better of the 2 sides in front of us az (thankfully!) 'The Jellied Eels Mob' were 'p*ss poor'!

It waz 0-0 at half time and 0-0 at Hull, meanin' that WE were still in 'the drivin seat' to avoid relegation, az Hull HAD to win to gan above us!

And then in the 2nd half the vital breakthrough came!--- Super hero 'Spiderman' crossed the baall to 'The Sissoko Kid' and he heeded home past the disppearin' West Ham keeper to lift the roof off the groond!

WE were on 'a high' and then a few minutes later Anita broke clear to race up the pitch with 3 colleagues in pursuit with ne West Ham defenders in sight!--It must be '2-0' we thought but Anita tried to pass the baall, but goalie Adrian somehow managed to save it and the easiest chance to put the game beyond doubt waz gone!

However!---With Hull and Man U still at stalemate and with just 5 minutes to gan, wor survival waz completed when super hero 'Spiderman' hit a shot from the edge of the box which deflected into the net off a defender and off he raced to the dugout shirt twirlin' in the air to be congratulated by a very relieved John Carver and the rest of the coachin' staff!   GAME OWER! FINGER NAIL BITIN' OWER!--

Lets gan on 'the hoy' and celebrate wor great escape from the abyss!---More good news waz to follow when we foond oot that the SMBs had lost 3-1 at Chelski, meanin' that we finished above them in the final leegue table az we partied in 'The Leazes End Club'! "If yi higher than the mackems clap yi hands!" the packed club sang az we danced the night away! <(had we won a 'cup' or something?)

It waz then off to 'The Newcastle Arms' where 'Grumpy Stumpy' had promised to buy a bottle of Champagne, shud we avoid the drop! ---Some joy? at last in an aaful season to forget!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Williamson,
Dummett, Sissoko, Anita (Gouffran 88), Colback,
Gutierrez <(Spiderman!), Riviere, Cisse

Attendance: 52,094 (3,000 'Jellied Eels' shoutin' for 'Fat Sam's heed! <(he waz sacked 3 minutes after the final whistle!)

Final average attendance for season: 50,263 (3rd highest in Britain again!) *      

HULL HELL!---OR HAPPINESS!?"

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 22nd May 2015

WELL!--- the weekend iz aalmost upon us az we contemplate the consequences of a possible demotion to the Championship once again under The Fat Controller's 8 year tenure at The Toon.

With average gates of 50,000 plus we shud never ever be in this situation--but yet again we are!

I can't find ONE Toon fan who thinx we can beat West Ham on Sunday and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that 'Fat Sam' will want hiz 'revenge' for hiz sackin' from NUFC a few years ago! <(by The Fat Controller!)

Ne wins in TEN make very sorry readin' and it will be desperate stuff come '3 bells' Sunday az the nation watches from beyond their telly screens <(It's been moved to SKY's MAIN MATCH of the day!)

We are therefore relyin' on Man U to de us a favour <(az if they would?) by eethaa beatin' or drawin' with Hull--which will send them doon!---However!--- Hull have a better goal difference than us and shud they win and we draw or lose, then it will be us who face life in the abyss next season!

Realistically, Man U can anly finish 4th (unless they get a cricket score!) and so we expect a much changed team to line up at 'The KC' in Hull from them az they have nowt to play for!

Ne doubt that everybodys 'mobile' will be tuned into just wots gannin' on at Hull from St James' and fingers will be bitten to the bone come '5 bells' on 'Survival Sunday' afternoon!< (az SKY have inevitably dubbed it!)

Aaall dependin' on the outcome, 'The Geordie Times' will publish the match report on Munday <(if we are safe!) and 'god naaz when' if we are not!
FINGERS, TOES and EYES CROSSED!   *

"BIG DADDY RULES OK!"

Posted '12:42 pm bells' Thorsday 21st May 2015

COMPULSIVE VIEWING FOR AALL NUFC PLAYERS!

Followin' the SMBs draw at 'The Arse' last neet, it now meenz that it's between 'Broken Nose Bruce's Hull side and 'John ('I'm the Best Coach') Carver's NUFC who will join Bornley and QPR in 'the abyss' next season!

It's been anothaa bizarre week with Carver tellin' the players not to watch the telly, gan onto social media sites or listen to the radio in fear that it might (just might!) upset a few of them of the impendin' criticism followin'  NINE defeats in the last TEN games!

They CAN! however (with hiz explicit permission!) watch re-runs of the 'aall in wrestlin' with 'Giant Haystacks', 'Kendo Nagasaki' and 'Big Daddy' instead, to keep their minds off 'Survival Sunday' (az SKY haz dubbed it!)

The players 'reward' for the 2nd half capitulation against QPR last Saturday waz to give them Munday and Tuesday OFF! <(to watch the wrestlin' ne doubt!) <(and to play golf!)



"WE GET IT 'WONG' AGAIN!"

However!--a cunnin' plan haz been unveiled to fool West Ham into a false sense of security on Sunday!---We have discarded wor traditional black n white stripes for 'a number' with blue lines runnin' through the stripes on the front --- and an AALL WHITE back!

'Fat Sams Jellied Eels Mob' will think that they must be playin' Real Madrid when we are runnin' back to defend and they will (hopefully!?) collapse like 'a  pack of cards' because of this!---AND!--- hand us the 3 points! <(a 'master stroke' by Carver!)

"IZ THAT RONALDO'S SHIRT?"

There's one thing that an absolute certainty about the result though!  We WONT be playin' Hull in a leegue game next season!

QPR RAG & BONE MEN 2 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 17th May 2015

REEELY! 'The Geordie Times' iz virtually speechless after wor latest 'disastrous despicable display ' against QPR @ Loftus Road yesterday, which leaves us on the brink of relegation on the last day of the season and we will let the pictures 'de the talkin' until we can bring worsels to de a match report on the game!

Picture ONE: The Shakespeare bar in Holborn, London (pre match)



THE WRITING SAYS: "LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!"

Picture 2: "SAY NO MORE!" 

Picture 3: Durin' the match when we went 2-1 doon!

 

 

Picture 4: Post match at Notting Hill Gate tube station!

 

 

Match report WILL appear here tomorrow sometime!---eventually!

 

 

Updated Munday 18th May 2015

 

"SHEPHERD'S BUSH SURRENDER!"

 

Before the match we were enjoyin' worsels drinkin' in various liquid lubrication locations around London and then it waz time for wor PUNISHMENT!

 

We trooped up to the ground in trepidation, not knowin' just wot would happen against a team who hadn't won a home game for 5 months and were relegated last week by a 6-0 thrashin' in Manchester!

 

We started off the better of the 2 teams and even took the lead in the 24th minute through Riviere, who scored hiz FORST ever Premyaa Leegue goal in aboot 21 starts to send the 2,000 or so Toon fans in The School End wild with delight!

We had chances to increase wor lead--but didn't and this waz to prove costly in the 2nd half!

 

They equalised in the 54th minute through a heeder from an unmarked Phillips and just a few minutes later total disaster struck when a volley from Fer beat Krul aall ends up!

We were pathetic in this half and there seemed 'ne way back' at this point!

 

Substitute Cisse summed up wor plight when he hit a weak free kick straight at their goalie and that waz the final action of the match!

The sight of Carver with hiz heed in hiz hands (see pic above!) and Colback with hiz shirt ower hiz heed summed it aall up!

 

Anly Hull could save us now and we hord that they were losin' 2-0 at Sporz to keep us oot of the bottom 3!

 

Wot a sad state of affairs!---Wor last game against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' next Sunday looks like a 'no brainer', so it iz highly likely that we must rely on Man U to save wor skins at Hull---The SMBs arnt safe yet eetha and one of the three of us will be in the Championship next season!

 

After the match we heeded for various parts of London again to drown wor sorrows (yet again!) before catchin' the '9 bells' train back to the Toon for the last time this season! <(a DRY train of course!)

 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Dummett, Gutierrez, Colback, Ryan Taylor (Aarons 64), Cabella (Sammy Ameobi 73), Sissoko, Perez, Riviere (Cisse 63)

 

Attendance: 17, 608 (2,000 fed up Toon fans!) *    

THE SHEPHERD'S BUSH RAG & BONE MEN v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '12:28pm bells' Friday 15th May 2015

We face wor 8th and last trip to 'The Smoke' this season @ QPR('10' if yoo include wor Youth Cup game @ Millwaall and resorve game against 'The Arse' @ Borehamwood!) and a more important game to play yoo couldn't imagine!

'The Rag and Bone Men' from Shepherd's Bush are aalready dead and buried in the relegation stakes followin' their 6-0 slaughter @ Man City last week and we can anly hope that they play like they did against 'The Blue Moonies' come Saturday afternoon!

We of course are ne 'world beaters' worsels havin' picked up just ONE point in the last ELEVEN weeks and if WE play like we did against Lestaa in wor last away game, then I'm afraid it's a lost cause!
We are relyin' 'heavily' on 'Broken Nose Bruce's Hull side to lose their last 2 games against Sporz in London (on the same day az us) and Man U @ home in their final game a week on Sunday! (Plus losses for The SMBs, Villa and Lestaa!)

WE are travellin' doon on the '6:30 bells' train in the mornin' and are heedin' for the London district of Holborn for the pre match 'gargels'!

Hopefully Cisse iz fit to play and we put in a better performance like we did against West Brom in wor last home game, when we 'secured' a point from the giants? of the West Midlands (1 point oot of the last 27 by the way!)

These are indeed desperate times for anybody of a black n white persuasion and anythin' less than a win <(wots one of those?) could put us in the bottom 3 (shud Hull win!)

Match report and pix will be forthcomin' sometime on Sunday <(if aa can bring meesel to de it!)

PS: 'IF' we gan into wor last game of the season on Sunday week against West Ham and we are SURE of wor Premyaa Leegue status, then we predict that 'The Fat Controller' WILL definitely be there in the directors box!
However!---shud we NOT be safe from relegation, then we  predict that  he WONT be there! <(ie: the act of a coward not able to face hiz tormentors!)




PPS: for a archive match report from wor game against QPR in London 47 years ago, gan to ground '006 loftus road, qpr' in the right hand column!
 (archive grounds match report list)

TOON'S TEXAS TRIP IN TURM'OIL'!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 13th May 2015


DESTINATION DALLAS!---(OR NOT AZ THE CASE MAY BE!???)


News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that wor planned pre season trip to the oil rich state of Texas in the USA might NOT now tek place!

Swanzee'z website claims that Swanzee, alang with Mexican clubs Chivaz and Pachhula, Casablanca of Morocco, Lyonnais of France and Malaga of Spain will teake part in a six team tournament between July 11th and 19th, but there iz ne mention whatsoever of NUFC takin' part, az expected!?

Az per usual wor club keep us in the dark!---(until the last minute of course!), az to just where we will be gannin next pre season!

We will keep yoo updated if we find anythin' oot!

Watch this space! (But divvint haad your breath!)

JOHN (THE PIE) CARVER *** LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD!

Posted '10:38am bells' Munday 11th May 2015

Followin' John Carver's magnificent record of securin' ONE point in the last TEN weeks, NUFC have given him a lifetime achievement award to show their gratitude!

(Special thanx to wor rovin' paparazzi reporter 'International Russcue' for this excluuusive photo which waz taken at the awards ceremony on hiz zoom lenz camera!)

THE TOON 1 THE BAGGIE TROOOSERS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 10th May 2015

"AND TEN WEEKS LATER!---A POINT TO PROVE!"

Anothaa desperate day at Gallowgate ended with us pickin' up a valuable point against 'The Baggie Trooosers' and end the rot of 8 successive defeats!--wor forst point in TEN WEEKS!

West Brom went close orly on when they hit the post at The Gallowgate End and then we fell for wor usual 'sucker punch' set piece defendin', when West Brom took the lead through a heeded goal from Anichebe from a free kick on the left!

Sissoko then went close for us but the feet of Myhill in the visitors goal saved the day for them!
At this point in time with othaa scores comin' through we were actually in a relegation place for NINE minutes, but Perez saved wor day after a Ryan Taylor free kick foond hiz feet and he rifled the baall into the far corner of The Leazes goal to bring us back on level torms!

The 2nd half waz desperate az well az we tried in vain to find a way past the West Brom defence!
Lady luck waz again on wor side when a mad scramble in 'The Leazes' box ended up with the visitors hittin' the woodwork once again!

It ended 1-1 to stop the rot and the anly savin' grace of the day waz Hull's defeat to Bornley who, ironically, were relegated because of othaa results!

We now drop to FOURTH bottom of the table with anly Hull, QPR and now relegated Bornley below us!

John 'The Pie' Carver and self proclaimed: "Best coach in the Premyaa Leegue!" said after the game that anly 'one team' wanted to win this!---conveniently forgettin' that the visitors hit the wookwork twice! <(self delusion or not?)

Two points above Hull with just two games left against bottom side QPR away (who will probably be relegated this afternoon!) and 'Big Fat Sam's 'mid-table' 'Jellied Eels Mob' on the last day of the season @ St James'----an easy run in?--divvint bet on it! 

One Sunday paper reported that: "If there was a pot-hole into which to stumble and break your ankle, rely on the Geordies to find it!" <(Tooo true mate!)

Toon team: Krul, Anita (Abeid 92), Coloccini, Dummett, Gutierrez, Sissoko, Ryan Taylor, Colback, Perez (Sammy Ameobi 85), Riviere (Cisse 69), Cabella

Attendance: 47,894 (1,800 Baggie Trooosers in level 7 of The Leazes End) *   

Amazingly wor average gates are still above the 50,000 mark! 50,262 to be exact--although the two previous home attendances were much lower than stated because of boycotts!
ie: They included season ticket 'non attenders' *

PS: Congratulations to North Sheeeldz who won the FA Vase @ Wembley yesterday by beatin' Glossop North End 2-1 !

They are the FIFTH Tyneside team to lift the coverted trophy!
The othaaz are: Blue Star (Newcastle), Whitley Bay, Whickham and 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston!