THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** TOONEET!

Posted '9:03am bells' Monday 29th September 2014

Anothaa hectic week iz in store for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' when we travel to Staffordshire tononeet in mee 'canny tranny' to face The P*ss Potts of Stoke in anothaa 'must win' game <(which most predict we 'will lose'!)

We are settin' off orly this afternoon and wor forst 'target' iz 'The Locomotive' boozer which iz a 20 minute waalk from the groond!

Santon, De Jong, Campbell and Aarons are aall oot due to injury, while Krul, Cisse and Gouffran shud retorn after missin' oot at Palace last mid-week!

Bornley's heavy defeat at WBA yesterday meenz that we move off the bottom of the table, although a 2 goal defeat for us will see us back in the basement place tooneet on goal difference!

It iz said that P45DEW's job iz on the line if we lose and this haz been well publicised ower the weekend!

The Toon will be wearin' their new thord kit, which consists of dark blue and lime green halves and looks absolutleee hideous! <(whoever designs these cr*p aways strips musn't like us!---that's for certain!) 

On Wednesday @ '7 bells' we heed to 'the east end' of The Toon where wor resorves are takin' on Heaton Stannington to open their new floodlights---a new groond for the mad-sad groundhoppers!

And then wor langest trip of the season teks place on Saturday when we face a 750 mile plus roond trip to Swanzee in sooth Wales and we are on the train for this one!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear 'here' az per usual come tomorrow afternoon!

PS: The 'P*ss Potts' game iz a sellooot!---so if yi divvint have a ticket divvint gan!

THE CRYSTAL BALLS 2 THE TOON 3 *** LEEGUE CUP 3rd ROOND *** MATCH REPORT (ANLY!) FIVE DAYS LATE!

Posted '10:10am bells' Sunday 28th September 2014

Forst of aall --- grovelling apologeeez for not updatin' this site since last Tuesday!---This iz because av had an horrendous week travellin up and doon the country, followin' The Toon twice to London in 3 days, plus 3 days back and forward to the Bormingham area with mee job!--- 2,700 miles in total!---aa just haven't had time to de it!

"VIEW THROUGH A LETTERBOX!"

RIVIERE PENALTY

The trip to sooth London started off at 'The Central' where aa caught a train to Darlo for a few liquid lubrications forst!
Why Darlo yoo well may ask???---well 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teeecha' had booked me a cheapy ticket from Darlo Station for under a tenner to Kings Cross, but the train wasn't til '3 bells'!
So!--- az aa wouldn't have much time when aa eventually got to sooth London, aa stopped off at Darlo instead! (7 quid from The Toon to Darlo by the way!)
Hogans dive bar waz mee forst port o call just outside the station where the average age of the punters inside waz aboot 75!--az yiv probably guessed it waz cheap beer aall roond @ £2 a pint!

Next stop waz doon the street in 'The Dalesman' and then back to 'Hogans' before catchin' the train to Kings Cross

On arrival @ '5:30 bells' aa made for 'The Cider Tap' at Euston where 'Big Al and Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' were suppin' "Er!" 'cider' would yoo beleeeve!

It waz then onward to Palace via Victoria Station where the final 'tonsil ticklin' before the match took place in the Selhurst Railway Club---and we were made to feel more than welcome by the Palace fans!

THE MATCH

"A 'LETTERBOX' VIEW TO DIE FOR!"

Wor view from row 46 of the away side waz like watchin the game through a letterbox az a gantry had been added below the roof from the last time we were here! This meant that when the baall waz kicked up into the air we couldn't see it, til the wonders of 'gravity' brung it back doon!

There waz suprizingly a canny few Toon fans present considerin' the near 600 mile roond trip wasn't the easiest of the season and they were in good voice---backin the team instead of barrackin the manager, az waz the case at Sooothampton two weeks before!

Goal times:
25th minute: Janmaat fouls Zaha in the box and the ref points straight to the spot and Gayle places hiz shot past Elliot in The Toon goal---1-0 to Palace!

36th minute: Armstrong crosses to Riviere and he torns and shoots past the Palace keeper to level the scores!

48th minute: Sammy Ameobi runs into the box and iz fouled by a Palace defender and the ref again points straight to the spot!---this time in WOR favour!
Riviere steps up and fires the baall into the net to send the 2,000 Toon faitful into raptures ---2-1 to 'US'!

Aa had a bus to catch from Victoria at '11:30' so the very last thing aa needed waz extra time!---and so guess wot happened next????

92nd minute: Deep into injury time and when it looked az though we had won it, 'disaster struck' when after defensive errors on wor part Kiakia managed to scramble the baall into the Toon net to extend the game by a forthaa 30 minutes (at least!)

Thoughts of missin the bus and bein' stranded with ne hotel then entered mee heed az extra time started!  The Crystal Balls stadium announcer then stuck a spanner into 'the works' by gleefully tellin the whole crowd that the winners were to be 'rewarded' by an away trip to Man City in the next roond!
EVERYONE groaned includin' the 2 sets of players! <(a complete BALLS UP if yoo ask us!

112th minute: Paul 'Dummy' Dummett saves the day for us with a fantastic divin heeder to put us back in the lead---3-2!

Thankfully the dreaded penalty shoot out wasn't needed az we 'bit wor fingers to the bone' az Palace frantically tried to get anothaa equaliser!
The ref blew for time and then it waz a mad dash back to Victoria to try and catch the bus!
Aa MADE IT by just 2 MINUTES and crashed oot on the back seat az we pulled oot of the coach station!---The bus (eventually!) pulled into St James' Boulevard some SEVEN HOURS LATER !----aall in the life of an NUFC fan!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Haidera 46), Coloccini, Steve Taylor, Dummett, Abeid, Colback, Obertan, Armstrong, Sammy Ameobi (Sissoko 66), Riviere (Perez 80)

Attendance: 13,773 (2,000 Toon fans)


   

310 meadow park, borehamwood (arsenal reserves)

ground number 310

Date of First Visit: 22nd September 2014

Meadow Park, Borehamwood, London

Arsenal U21 Reserves 1
Newcastle United U21 Reserves 2  (Remie Streete (2)

FA Premier Reserve League

Attendance: 350 (estimated) (includin' quite a few NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers and exiles)

(Brief match report---more to follow later)


"QUALITY STREETE!"

REMIE SCORES HIZ FORST GOAL!
(HOPE YIV GOT GOOD EYESIGHT?)

Three of us travelled doon to 'this one' by 'jam jar' supplied by 'Michael the Mag' and wor other travellin 'saddo' waz 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' who we picked up at Durham.

Fower and a half hours later and with ne traffic delays we foond worsels ootside Boremwood FCs groond in "norf Landan" @ '4:30 bells' ('7 bells ' kick off)

Az there were ne boozers around the groond and the clubhouse waz disgracefully shut!, we heeded for the toon centre half a mile away for some much needed 'liquid lubrication' in a Wetherspoon's hostelry.
It waz then onward back to the groond where by this time the clubhoose had opened! <(horray!)

It waz virtually empty apart from a few familiar 'Toonhoppers' and after anothaa bit of 'tonsil ticklin' it waz time to heed inside!

Admission waz FREE but despite this a sparse crowd greeted us upon entry. Meadow Park iz a nice tidy groond with two small seated stands and the pitch looked in 'top nick'!

Central defender Remie Streete waz wor hero of the day az he scored two 'sweet' 'Quality Streete' heeders (sic!) to win the game for The Toon. The Arse pulled one back at the death but it waz aall tooo little tooo late for The Gooners second string!

A thord win on the spin for WOR second string---if anly we could transfor this form to the forst team---if anly!

More on aall this to follow when aa get time!---like!?   

"NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!" *** THE ARSE RESORVES v THE TOON RESORVES @ BOREHAMWOOD *** TOONEET!

Posted '9:51am bells' Monday 22nd September 2014

The resorve U21 squad are away to The Arse in "norf Landan" @ '7 bells' tooneet @ Meadow Park, Borehamwood, in a Premyaa Leegue resorve game!

This iz a new groond for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' and aboot half a dozen are travellin' doon by car and train to 'chalk off' yet anothaa groond on the seeminglee never endin' list!

Admission iz FREE and aall are welcome!

A Geordie Times match report and pix will be forthcomin' tomorrow, sometime!

Az per usual "watch this space!"

JAMIE'S 1st, 1st TEAM GAME *** AGED 4 YEARS AND 333 DAYS OLD! *** THE TOON 2 BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '1:15pm bells' Sunday 21st September 2014

ST JAMIE'S PARK!

A momentous day in the history of NUFC, az not anly waz this a game we definatly needed to win to climb off the foot of the table, but this waz aalso grandson Jamie's forst ever forst team game @ St James'!

The day started off @ '11:15 am bells' when Jamie's mam Julie dropped him off at wor hoose and after a spot of 'brekky' it waz off to The Toon and the forst 'beer bar' <(az Jamie caalls them!) on the list, which waz The Bodega on Westgate Road, where Jamie had hiz favourite 'tipple' of orange 'beer'!

"My beers orange az well!", aa said to him az aa downed mee forst pint of 'Caffreys', az Jamie sat perched on a chair suckin' hiz 'beer' through a plastic straw!

A 'beer' spillage a few moments later when Jamie waz dein' a 'Star Wars' gladiator 'move' waz then blamed on me by Grumpy Stumpy, Tex Taylor and Norman the Cowboy Plumber <(outvoted, aa had to take ther blame!)

It waz then onward to 'beer bar 2' which waz The Black Bull in the shadows of St James' where Jamie opted for a 'blackcurrent beer' this time!
After introducin' him to Paul the Peddlin Pensioner <(he peddles a bike NOT drugs!), Sarnie Steve and The Mad Professor amonst others, he downed hiz 'beer' and it waz soon time to heed for the ground and of course Jamie's debut forst team game! (he'd seen us play Wolves in a resorve game a year orlier when we won 2-1) <(hopefully he would be a 'lucky omen'?)

"THIS BLACKCURRENT BEER IZ NICE!"

"WOW"---THIS BEERS A BIT STRONG!"

Before heedin' inside aa took him to see the 'Alder Sweeney Memorial Garden', where a small garden haz been made near the main entrance in memory of John The Undertaker and Liam from the Lamp who tragically died on flight MH17 in July.
I told him why the garden waz there and it waz to remember aall the fans who had passed away, az well az John and Liam!

He then went to go into the garden where an urn waz placed, but I told him that he wasn't supposed to go in and he waz to stay by me!
"Will I die if if go into the garden granddad?", he said seriously!

"NO! of course not!" aa said, rubbin' hiz heed in reassurance! 

On the concourse after gannin up in the lift <(200 stairs waz a bit much for hiz little legs!) Jamie waz feelin' hungry and so aa bought him a hot dog with ketchup, which he devoured, leavin' large amoonts of sauce on hiz face!

"JAMIE IZ FEELIN' A BIT PECKISH AND DEVOURS
A 'MINI' HOT DOG!"

We then took up wor seats on the Milburn Stand balcony for a grandstand view of the game!
The pitch iz a canny way below and Jamie had come prepared with a pair of 'noculars', az he caalls them, for a better view of the proccedings! <(he says 'noculars' az he's too young to get hiz tongue around the word 'Binoculars'!)

The game kicked off and straight away Hull went on the attack az wor manager bravely stood on the touchline takin much flack from the crowd az placards were raised demandin' hiz sackin' <(not by me and Jamie by the way!)
The Toon fought back however and good efforts from Colback and Cabella failed to break the deadlock. Applause then broke oot az usual in the 17th minute for the victims of flight MH17 and continued into the 18th minute for Gutierrez (wor number 18) who haz been diagnosed with testicular cancer!

Every time the crowd got excited Jamie asked me in we had scored and I had to tell him "NO!", time and time again!

He waz really enjoyin' himself and he asked me who the 'player' in yellow waz on the pitch?
Using my vast knowledge of futbaall ower the years I paused for a few seconds and realised it waz in fact THE REFEREE! (Hull played in white shirts)

"WHO'S THE MAN IN THE YELLOW SHIRT GRANDDAD!?"

The forst half finished goal-less and a much needed 3 points waz still 'way off'

The 2nd half started off disastrously when Hull's Jelovic hit an unstoppable volley into the net @ The Leazes End, sendin' the 3,000 or so Tiger Lillys above wild with delight!
Jamie asked me if WE had scored!  Again I answered "NO!" it waz 'the baddies in white' who have scored, Jamie!"

Anothaa fine goal at the mid point of the half to the visitors, scored by Diame, looked to have spoilt Jamie's day and we looked resigned to defeat!
Jamie then asked me at the top of hiz voice why there were TWO goals??  I told him, (while everyone around us listened on!) that that waz a very good question and I didn't know the answer!!! (loud laughter from the fans around us then followed!) 
Perhaps he shud have asked wor beleaguered manager instead???

GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE! *** JAMIE TOOK THIS FOTO!

And then the 'master stroke' to save wor day!----Papiss Cisse waz brought on to replace the ineffective Riviere just after this and straight away he made a difference az we pounded the Hull goal @ The Gallowgate End
A goal for 'Jamie' finally came when a Cheik Tiote sliced shot foond Cisse at the near post and he gleefully fired home past McGregor in the visitors goal to pull a goal back, just 4 minutes after comin' on! 
Aa lifted Jamie into the air az the crowd cheered and he asked me if we were winnin' now?
"Not yet!" aa said, but there iz still time!"

Three minutes from the end and Cisse saved 'Jamie's special day' when he poked the baall home from a Gouffran pass!
Again aa lifted Jamie into the air az the stadium erupted!

Jamie again asked me if "we had won!" and aa telt him that 'The Toon' had equalised and he thought that meant that BOTH teams had won!?

The game ended just after this and Jamie told him that he had really enjoyed himself!  That's two games he haz been to in total, includin' the resorve game mentioned, and hiz UNBEATEN RECORD remains intact!  <(a lucky mascot indeed!)

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote (Sammy Ameobi 85), Colback, Cabella, Sissoko, Gouffran (Perez 94), Riviere (Cisse 70)

Attendance 49,199 <(includin' Jamie of course!) (3,000 Tiger Lillys)
Highest crowd in Britain ower the weekend!        

THE TOON v BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '2:12pm bells' Friday 19th September 2014

WOR LAST MEETING *** WE WON 4-1 @ THE KC LAST SEASON

A traumatic day iz guaranteed @ St James' Park tomorrow afternoon when we take on Hull @ St James'.

A defiant P45DEW says he will take whatever flack iz thrown at him durin' the match, but the question iz!---- will he have the bottle to move off hiz seat on the bench to bellow instructions to the players?--- OR! will he hide in the dugout and give hiz assistant John Carver the 'dorty work' instead???

P45DEW iz quoted az sayin; "This situation at the moment is like mass hysteria!"--unquote!

A'm takin'  Jamie mee 4 year old grandson to hiz forst ever forst team game and a victory would be very nice 'Alan', if yoo can provide it for him? (he's seen the resorves win when he waz 3!) 

On the injury front, De Jong iz said to be on crutches and will be oot til Xmas---Aarons and Santon are still not match fit and could be oot for a while, while Cisse iz said to be ready to make hiz seasons 'debut' against Stoke next week and not tomorrow az reported!

We desperately need a victory----if anly for little Jamie's sake!

A full match and Jamie's '1st team debut' report will follow sometime on Sunday! ---az per usual watch this space!

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TOONIES!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 18th September 2014

Followin' fan unrest in Sooothampton last week, some Toon fans are plannin' a protest @ St James' Park on Saturday when we take on 'Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys' in a '3 bells' kick off.

At Sooothampton, az the players were warmin' up before the kick off, some of wor younger element of fans had unfurled anti Pardew banners in the away end, much to the annoyance of coach John Carver who came ower to remonstrate!

We at 'The Geordie Times' can see Carver's point!---To de this BEFORE the game haz even kicked off iz pure madness az it can anly send negative vibes to the players on the pitch!

Most of the perpetrators were fans in their teens or orly twenties and three of them came doon to the front at the start of the 2nd half and held aloft a double (beer stained!) bedsheet with 'PARDEW OUT' written on it in black spray paint!

Those of us 'langer in the tooth', shall we say,? just stood in stunned silence az the goals went in!

With P45DEW still in charge come Saturday afternoon---things can anly get worse!

TOON U21s 2 WOLVES WANABEEZ U21s 1

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 16th September 2014

A win at St James' Park at last! came last neet---but it waz wor U21s and not the forst team in action!
Goals from Gael Bigiramana and Tom Heardman secured the win against The Wanabeez from Wolves in front of a sub 500 'crowd'

SOOOTHAMPTON 4 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Monday 145th September 2014

THE TOON MAKE A RARE 'SORTE' INTO THE SOOOTHAMPTON HALF!
("WHO ATE AALL THE PIES?")

"HAMPSHIRE HORROR SHOW WOE!"

The day started off @ '6 am bells' when we boarded the train to London for the forst leg of the trip to Sooothampton in deepest Hampshire, for this Premyaa Leegue encounter!

A'd done mee usual 450 mile nightshift 'truck run' doon to the Bormingham area and back and had finished work @ 2:45 am bells'---enough time to gan yem have a shower and get changed into mee Toon attire and book a taxi to 'The Central'

The banter on the train waz aall doom and gloom a'm afraid from the Toon faithful az we sped towards the capital city!
Aa soon fell asleep! "ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!!!"

Upon arrival we made for Waaterloo Station on the tube, where the next 'leg' would take us on to Sooothampton and it's many ale hooses!

A quick 'liquid lubrication' in 'The Beer Hoose' @ Waaterloo quenched wor thorsts before boardin' the packed 'South West' train!

 

It waz then 'onwards' to wor final destination, where (1hour :20 mins later!) we arrived in very good time on the sun drenched coast!

After sampling the various beers in some of wor fave haunts doon here, it waz (reluctantleee!) time to heed for St Mary's!---aa say 'reluctantlee' az most Toon fans thought we  would get beat, like we did last season, when we were completeleee ootplayed and lost 4-0!

And so it proved!---az we were greeted by anothaa lack lustre display in front of the 2,550 Geordies who had made the 666 mile roond trip from Tyneside --just like us!

One 'plonker' standin' in the same row az us, had a camera on hiz HEED! and he stood there like an idiot for aall to see!

"SMILE! *** YOUR ON CANDID CAMERA!"

The sequence of events were az follows!:

20 seconds!: Coloccini makes an awful back pass to Tim Krul in the 'Toon' goal and he wellies the baall, which richoshades <(hope a'v spelt that reet!?) off a Soothampton forward and reboonds just past the left hand post in front of the travellin' faithful!
A very lucky escape for us!

3rd minute: Tim Krul rushes oot of hiz goal and appears to punch Soothampton's Long in the kisser, but the ref thought he had punched the baall instead and gave a throw in to the home side!?

4th minute: Anothaa defensive misstayk (by Williamson aa think?) lets in the home side again but thankfully they miss their chance again!

6th minute: The inevitable  happens when The Saints take the lead and wor 'sinner' iz Williamson who attempted? a heeder to anothaa Toon player, but it ended up with Soothampton's Bertrand, who's lob foond Pelle and he heeded past a helpless Krul in front of The Toon faithful to put the home side 1-0 up!

18th minute: Immediately after the now usual 17th minute applause for MH17 victims John 'The Undertaker' and Liam, The Saints get a 2nd from Pelle again who side footed past Krul to put the game seemingly beyond us! (aa meeen!---who waz gannin' to score WOR goals?) 

We did have a couple of chances later on but both were 'fluffed' by 'The Sissoko Kid' and Colback!

We somehow managed to get to half time still just 2-0 doon and wondered just how many we would actually concede az Soothampton bombarded wor goal!?

An 'un-ironed' dorty beer stained double bedsheet then appeared in front of us just after the re-start with 'PARDEW OUT' written in black spray paint on the front of it! <(no doubt 'nicked' from some unsuspectin' mam's linen cupboard!)

"THE WRITINGS ON THE 'BED-SHEET'!"

P45DEW <(hiz new name!) waz gettin' some horrendous stick by a canny few Toon fans and he sat on hiz seat in the dugout throughout the game, anly 'darin' to briefly stand up once in case the fans booed him! <(surely there iz ne way that he can carry on!? <(surely not???) 
John Carver and Steve Stone, hiz assistants, were left to prowl the touchline givin' oot orders az P45DEW sat motionless, with hiz arms folded, like a frightened rabbit in the headlights of a car!

54th minute: The Toon 'bottled it' again when a mix up by Williamson <(again!) and Krul let in Cork, who had the simple task of roundin' wor keeper and placin' the baall into the empty net!

94th minute: A repeat of last season's 4-0 defeat now happed az Schneiderlin <(hope a'v splet that reet!?) hit a fine effort into the top corner of wor net to complete wor misery and send us to the bottom of the Leegue!!

This waz wor worst display for many a year and the shambles just gans on and on! (The annual 'Sooothampton Boat Show' waz on az well!---mebeez we shud have aall went there instead!???)

Some liquid lubrications back in London to drown wor sorrows followed and we eventually got yem @ '12:30 bells' via King's Cross once again!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidera, Colback, Anita (Tiote 46), Cabella (Perez 69), Sissoko (Sammy Ameobi 89?) <(wot waz the point?), Gouffran, Riviere

Attendance: 29,678 (2,550 p*ssed off Toon fans!)



SOOOTHAMPTON v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 12th September 2014

Action from last season @ St Mary's
(We lost 4-0 !)

We face wor 2nd langest trip of the season on Saturday when we heed for Soothampton in a '3 bells' kick off <(Swanzee iz forthaa!)

De Jong's injury rules him oot til at least Xmas and az for Cheik Tiote who played for the Ivory Coast on Wednesday, it iz anybodys guess wethaa he will make it back in time to torn oot for the club who pay hiz wages!  Rolando Aaarons iz aalso reported to be 'oot' but Jack Colback shud be in the startin' line-up!

I am dein' mee normal neet truck run to the Bormingham area on Friday neet (450 miles roond trip) and with a bit luck aa shud be finished by '3 am bells'---plenty of time to get some sleep az the train leaves at '6 am bells'! (660 miles roond trip!)

To be honest aa dare-nit gan to sleep az aa would miss the train, so aa'll just watch the telly for a couple of hours before makin' mee way to 'The Central'!  (Matchsticks in eyelids 'at the ready'!) <(aall in the life of a mad-sad groundhopper'!)

Not many Toon fans think we will get anythin' from this fixture and if that iz the case we could find worsels in the bottom 3 come Saturday neet! <(hopefully we CAN get a result?)

More worryingleee, we have taken a meagre 18 points from a possible 66 in The Premyaa Leegue so far this year and have won just 5 games, losin' 14 and drawn 3 times!---'R' yoo readin' this P45dew????

We have sold wor full allocation of tickets for this game which totals 2,550, but beware if yoo are gannin' doon by road!----The Sooothampton Boat Show iz on at the same time and traffic chaos iz forecast!

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a full match and drinkin' report on Sunday or Monday <(dependin' on how aa feel!)

It iz ower 45 years since aa forst went to Sooothampton when we drew 0-0 @ The Dell <(match report from that game below!)