CROWN PROSECUTION GIVES TOON THE PORFECT 'REMY'DY

Posted '12:30pm bells' Friday 14th February 2014

A little bit of good news reaches 'The Geordie Times' from wor correspondent from the 'deep south', namely 'Alex of St George' (who lives in Middleton St George in between Smogland and Darlo!), who tells us that wor top goalscorer Loic Remy haz been cleared of aall charges of rape by 'The Crown Prosecution Sorvices' @ 'Scotland Yard' and iz free to play for us for the rest of the season!

With NE GOALS in the last fower Premyaa Leegue home games we desperately need him for the visit of 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' on Sunday week, followin' hiz 3 match suspension after hiz sendin' off at Norwich!

THE TOON 0 SPORZ 4 ***** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '10:30am bells' Thorsday 13th February 2014

"LIFE CAN BE KRUL!"

In complete contrast to hiz performance at White Hart Lane orlier this season when he had an absolute blinder, this time wor goalie Tim Krul had an absolute nightmare when he waz clearly at fault for the forst 3 goals!

Played in a howlin' gale and drivin' rain it waz obvious from the start that Sporz had come for the 3 points az they attacked wor goal @ The Gallowgate End.

They opened the scorin' in the 19th minute when a cross across the box waz parried by Krul straight to the feet of Sporz'z Adebayor for a simple tap in!

WE had a chance to level things not lang after, when Cisse shot straight at Lloris in the visitors goal, but that waz the end of wor attackin' prowls for that half and we went in one doon at the break!

Sporz doubled their lead in from of their 2,000 or so fans @ The Leazes End when an Adebayor shot waz again parried by Tim Krul straight to Paulhino, who gleefully exepted the easy chance in the 53rd minute!

WE were woeful at this point and many of wor players didn't looked interested at aall ,while those who did, wornt good enough anyway! (includin' wor one and anly loan signin' De Jong who waz substituted by Ben Arfa in the 63rd minute!)

Another parried blunder by Krul in the 82nd minute, gifted the baall to Adebayor once again and he finished sharply az the Toon fans heeded for the exits in resigned mood!

Wor misery waz completed at 'the death' when Chadli struck a superb shot past Krul, who waz blameless this time!

That's FIVE home games in a row we have lost, FOWER of them in the Premyaa Leegue, where we have failed to score a solitary goal!

The misery continues unabated!---Villa are next up in 10 days time az we have yet another 'blankety blank' weekend, due to wor non involvement in the FA Cup!
12 games to gan!---the season can't end quickly enough for many fans!---role on May the 11th!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Santon (Dummett 446), Gouffran, Sissoko, Anita, Sammy Ameobi (Marveaux 71, De Jong (Ben Arfa 63), Cisse

Attendance: 48,264 (2,000 Sporz fans) The attendance MUST have been made up with season ticket 'non attenders' included, az there were gaps to be seen aall ower the groond, includin' 2 empty sections in 'level 7' of The Leazes End! (There were 4 empty seats in front of me for example) (and ne sign of 'The Fat Controller' in the directors box yet again!)
My prediction of a 45,000 crowd, therefore, waz much nearer the mark!

SPOT THE EMPTY SEATS! (MIDDLE OF PIC)

THE TOON v SPORZ *** TONEET!

Posted '4:00pm bells' Wednesday 12th February 2014

ACTION FROM WOR GAME AT WHITE HART LANE
ORLIER THIS SEASON *** WE WON 1-0!
(THE TOON ARE IN 'BRAZIL YELLOW')

Toneet we face a Sporz side (for the 150th time in wor leegue and cup history) who are chasin' a Champions Leegue place, while we 'fight it oot' with Sooothampton az to who finishes 8th or 9th this season! <("WOW!")
Many fans think the season iz ower anyway <(includin' little ol' me!) and thoughts of wor 'charge for the Premyaa Leegue title' just under 20 years ago, seem like a very distant memory!

Because of the bad weather and bad practices by wor beloved? owner 'The Fat Controller', we predict a crowd around aboot the 45,000 mark!---still very good compared to most clubs, but we think that there will be aboot 7,000 empty seats in St James' anyway <(we shall see!?)

Loic Remy sorves the last of hiz 3 match ban, while (ddeep breath!) Coloccini, Tiote, Gouffran, Cisse, Debuchy, Obertan and Bigi'banana' <(JoeK 'yee naa whos' pronoonciation of hiz name!) are aall injured and winnit play!

This iz a ready made excuse for wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew', shud we succumb to the "norf Landaners!" @ '7:45 bells', in wor 13th last game of the season! <(so wor manager keeps tellin' us!?)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' tomorrow dinnaatime az per usual and we can anly hope for better fare than we have been sorved up lately! <(again!---we shall see?)  

TOON U21s 0 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE U21s 2

Posted '12:17pm bells' Tuesday 11th February 2014

Match report and 'grainy' pix by 'Liam from the Lamp' ****      'The Geordie Times'z Cheeef Futbaall Correspondent!

Forst half:
"The Toon didn't start off well---like! and were one-nowt doon at the break when Leicester's Adam Dawson chipped the baall ower Jak Alnwick in the Toon goal!"---"It waz then time to heed for the clubhouse for some much needed 'liquid lubrication'!"

Second half:
"Efforts from Aarons and Gilliead for 'us' after the restart ended up in the 'crowd'?--- az the visitors pressed for the second goal---like!"
"This came in the 79th minute when Michael Cain 'caned' wor defence by runnin' past them, before slottin' the baall home to seal the game for 'The Basil Brush Brigade'!"

Attendance: 269 <(NOT! includin' part-timer 'Fink' who had to gan to graft!)

"We have now just won ONE oot of wor last EIGHT U21 games---Exactly the same stats az THE FORST TEAM!!!!"

"POSITIVELY NEGATIVE!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 10th February 2014

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!???"

Yet more garbage haz come from the mouth of wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' ,followin' on from hiz 'support' for 'JoeKanory' , the 'one and only' 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer', who lost hiz job az 'Director of Fools' last Monday, when he said that he could take some 'positives' oot of wor 'negative' 3-0 defeat by Chelski on Saturday and bemoans wor injury list! <(shud have bought some quality players in the transfor window and not sold Cabaye, mee finx, Alan!)

He says that Sissoko and Marveaux shud have scored for us and of course he is right!, but they DIDN'T and then conveniently forgets that 'The OAPs' were streets ahead of us and could have had at least 3 more goals themsels az they completely ootplayed us!

When the home side scored their 2nd goal in the 34th minute---we thought?---how many more?---and luckily for us it waz anly '1'! 

We have won just 1 game oot of the last 8 and have lost the last 4 homes games in a row! <(tell me just WOT 'positives' yoo can take from that stat!???)

Sporz are up next @ St James' on Wednesday neet az they fight for a Champions Leegue place, while we must fight it oot with Sooothampton to see who finishes 8th or 9th this season!

It's a good job we started off well at the beginnin' of the season or else we'd reeely be in the S*IT right now!

It will be very interestin' to see just how many empty seats there are in the groond come Wednesday, but we are 'negatively' 'positive' that thoosands will be empty!

Meeenwhile, @ 'Blue Flames' in Benton toneet wor U21s take on Leicester in a '7 bells' kick off---unfortunately! <(or 'fortunately' some would say!) a'v got to gan to graft and will miss the game! BUT!---fear not!---az wor intrepid paparazzi reporter, 'Liam from the Lamp' WILL! be there to bring YOO (wor loyal reeders!), a full and compreeehesive match report and pix? <(dependin' on IF he haz had hiz camera fixed yet on hiz cr*p fone???)

Watch this space tomorrow!

THE CHELSKI OAPs 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 9th February 2014

"THE HAZARD WARNIN' LIGHTS ARE FLASHIN'!"

VIEW FROM ROW 5 UPPER TIER, IN 'THE SHED CORNER'
(£55 TO WATCH THE MATCH FROM HERE!)

With less than three hours kip after workin' neetshift, aa dragged meesel oot mee 'pit' and heeded for 'The Central' to catch the '8 bells' train to King's Cross alang with 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' and hiz bruvva 'Faulty Towers' (Dowaz)

We arrived in the big city some 3 hours later and made straight for Hammersmith where 3 very large breekies were consumed (alang with several pints of 'Smiths'!) in 'The William Morris', before heedin' for 'Earls Court', which isn't too far from Stamford Bridge.

Some of the lads were in 'The Kings Heed' boozer and so that's where we 'heeded for'!---anly to be telt by the bar staff that the manager had just phoned and telt them NOT to sorve anymore Toon fans?--despite the fact that half a dozen of 'wor lot' were proppin' up the bar!---THEY could stay, but we COULDN'T!???
Rather than waste mee breath and argue 'the toss', we heeded for a regular haunt in 'The Blackbird' where the booncers REFUSED us access, sayin' that NE Toon fans were allowed into the bar!

THE KINGS HEAD---NAMED AND SHAMED!

We telt them that we came here every season, but it made ne difference and so we had to sorch for wor THORD boozer in the pourin' rain, which waz an Irish bar alang the road!
There were ne booncers this time and so we entered the packed bar where 'The Liverbirds' were trouncin' 'The Arse' 4-0 on the big screen, much to the delight of the watchin' Chelski fans!

Not suprizingly we decided to 'stay put' and left there with half an hour til kick off, for the 20 minute walk to the groond az the rain kept on pourin' doon!

The Toon had their biggest followin' here for many a year (3,000?) and they were in good voice az the game kicked off, with the forst song directed at wor 'beloved' owner, tellin' him to: "Get out of our club!---yoo fat Cockney bustard!"  <(or words to that effect!)

We started off well and had a couple of chances orly on but it waz the home side who broke the deadlock in the 27th minute when Hazard fired in a great shot in front of the Toon fans.
Their lead waz soon doubled not lang after when a great 'one-two' foond Hazard again and he placed the baall beyond Tim Krul in the Toon to put the game 'beyond 'us'!.

In the 2nd half we hardly did any attackin' and Hazard got hiz hat-trick from the penalty spot when Yanga needlessly pulled a Chelski player doon in the box!

And then at the death Toon super sub'??? 'Marveaux the Magician' failed to find the net when he waz put clean through and somehow he 'conjured up a magic trick' to put the baall wide of the post, when he looked certain to score! (an 'illusion' that completlee baffled us, az we were certain he HAD scored!)

A 3-0 defeat wasn't THAT bad, az we thought it would be more before the game! <(we must be thankful for smaall mercies!)

Just 13 games to gan now in this ever meaningless season!

Toon team: Krul, , Debuchy (Yanga 40), Santon, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Dummett, Anita (Marveaux 84), Ben Arfa (Gosling 64), Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi, De Jong

Attendance: 41,387 (an estimated 3,000 Toon fans!)  

THE CHELSKI OAPs v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '2:13pm bells' Friday 7th February 2014

Tomorrow @ Stamford Bridge we take on a Chelski side that are on 'a high' after beatin' Man City last week @ The City of Manc Stadium!
In complete contrast we are on 'a low' after last Saturday's 'derby disaster'!
To add to wor woes, Coloccini, Gouffran, Tiote and Cisse are aall injured and will miss the game, while Loic Remy iz still suspended followin' hiz sendin' off at Norwich in January!

Just wot kind of performance we will put in, in "west Landan" iz anybody's guess???, but with wor season effectively finished with 14 games still to gan---and a mid-table slot virtually guaranteed, we will travel doon on the train tomorrow mornin' with one aim in mind! ----"2 GET COMPLETLY P*ST!" ---and by the time we jump back on the 'DRY' 125 @ King's Cross @ '9 bells' tomorrow neet we shud be well into 'singin' mode'!

A'm workin' a neetshift again toneet, back doon to the Bormingham area in mee truck and hopefully, (traffic jam permittin') aa shud be tucked up in 'mee scratcher' by '3:30 bells'---then!---- drag meesel oot again @ '6:30 bells' and make for 'The Central' to catch the '8 bells' to King's Cross alang with 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' and hiz bruvver 'Faulty' (Towers!) Dowaz' for a bit of 'tonsil ticklin' on the way doon!
(For some daft reason, unbeknown to man nor beast, 'the British Transport Dibbles' deem that yoo CAN drink az many 'CANS' az yoo like on the way doon to London, but 'CAN'NOT on the way back!---and ne doubt they will be waitin' in force at the ticket gates 'to check' for 'alcohol' az we board the train back!)

The match tickets are a whoppin' £55 like last season and the train fare iz £85!---add on taxis and tube fares etc and we are taalkin' aboot £160 for a day oot in London! <(excludin' drink and food of course!) <(add at least sixty quid for that!= £220 plus!)
The away end iz completely sold oot! <(we must have some rich bustards amongst us!?)

Aa wont have any time to de an update in the mornin', so this will be the 'Geordie Times'z last post til aa write the match report on Sunday (sometime!?)
Az per usual---watch this space!  

THE TIPPING POINT!

Posted '12:32pm bells' Thorsday 6th February 2014

Followin' last weeks fiasco when a Toon fan invaded the pitch and hoyed hiz season ticket card at wor beleaguered manager in the home dugout, many hundreds of fans have taken to 'Twitter' and 'Facebook' to say that they will NOT be renewin' their season tickets when the the 'A4' envelope containin' the direct debit from NUFC faalls onto their doormats!

In response to this wor 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer' 'JoeKanory' waz forced to resign from hiz post az 'Director of Fools' followin' the non purchase of any players, whatsoever! <(or waz he sacked?)

Everybody haz got their 'tipping point' and after last Saturday many fans are now 'ower the edge' and will NOT be in attendance next season!

Meesel and thoosands of others cannit de this however, az we are diehards til we 'pop wor clogs' and will be signin' up for anothaa year of misery, mystery and mayhem! <(mugs til the end!)

Aa honestly divvint blame anybody at aall for wrappin' their tickets in and az many az 10,000 empty seats could be the norm come next August when the 2014-15 season kicks off!

There's anly ONE person to blame for aall this of course!

"ARE YOO READIN' THIS 'FAT CONTROLLER!"??? ^ ^

"SENSATION!" *** "CLOWN PR*CK OF SOCCER RESIGNS!!" *** ("GET THE KEBABS IN!!!")

Posted '2:20pm bells' Tuesday 4th February 2014

NUFCs NEW DIRECTOR OF FUTBAALL***PERHAPS???
("DIVVINT BET AGAINST IT!")

News that 'JoeKanory' 'The Clown Pr*ck of Soccer' resigned at '11:01 bells' last neet from hiz post az 'Director of Fools' haz rocked the futbaall world!
Hiz transfor dealins in the two 'windows' he waz in charge, iz nothin' short of remarkable, spendin' nowt at aall and gettin' ower £20 million for a kebab which waz brilliant business for 'The Fat Controller'!

A number of candidates have been put forward for the vacant job, includin' 'Krusty the Clown' off 'The Simpsons', 'Benny from Crossroads' and Tory MP Anne Widdecombe, who tells us that she haz never seen a futbaall match in hor life!---not even on the telly!

This makes hor red hot favourite for the job and 'Ladbrokes' have instaaled hor at 2/1 'on' for the lucrative vacancy!

"I am sure I can do just a good a job as 'JoeK' in the transfer market!", she is reported to have said and we hear that she will resign 'forthwith' from hor Parliamentary position az Maidstone's MP, shud she be offered the job by 'The Fat Controller'!

'Geordie Times' comment: "The NUFC Madhoose' may az well appoint hor!---she couldn't possibly de any worse than 'JoeKanory'!---could she???" 

More to follow on aall this later!---much later! after av had a few 'liquid lubrications' to calm doon!

"ONLY H******D WAZ WORSE THAN THIS!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 3rd February 2014

Things were so bad on Sunday mornin', that, when aa went to the newsagents to get the papers, aa just came yem and hoyed them on the settee and have still not read them!---that's how bad wor defeat on Saturday waz!
Even today aa cannit bring meesel to watch a recordin' of 'Match of the Day' form the weekend, az this result gans into mee top two of disastrous defeat in my support for NUFC since the 1960s! (the forst time av ever seen them de 'the double' ower us!)

It waz 44 years ago this month in 1972 that aa had the misfortune to witness my worst defeat ever, when a certain team beginnin' with the letter 'H' <(for Hatred!) knocked uz oot of the FA Cup in front of 'Motty' and co. and thoosands of kids in anoraks who invaded the pitch that sorry, sorry day aall them years ago!

The fact that wor 'beloved'? owner 'The Fat Controller' and hiz sidekick 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer' and 'Director of Fools' 'JoeKanory' couldn't even be bothered to attend the '150th Tyne/weardo derby' tells yoo everything that yoo need to naa aboot THEIR passion and commitment to the club!

Honestly! it doesn't get any worse than this! <(apart from the 'H' word that iz!) and wor shambolic season iz effectively ower!---
"FULL STOP!............................................................................................!"