NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! ***THE HAZBEENS & VILLIANS U21s v THE TOON U21s @ BURTON!

Posted '12:50pm bells' Monday 4th November 2013

"116 YEARS OF HURT!"

Brilliant news for NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!---The Toon U21s are due to play Villa's equivalent @ The Pirelli Stadium, Burton on Trent tooneet @ '7 bells'!

The last time we played a competitive game in Burton waz on December 18th 1897! when we lost 3-1 to Burton Swifts in a Division 2 game some 116 years ago, when a certain
'J. White' <(remember him!?) scored hiz one and anly goal for us!

But much worse than that!---we suffered wor worst ever defeat in this town on Monday 15th April 1895 when we lost by NINE goals to NIL against Burton Wanderers in anothaa Division 2 game!

The Pirelli Stadium iz of course home to Burton Albion who (thankfully!) we have never been te or played before in wor history!

'The Hazbeens and Villians' play their U21 resorve games here and this iz a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity for us to 'tick this one' 'off wor list' of Leegue groonds visited, watchin' The Toon! 

An estimated TEN! feckless followers from Tyneside and beyond are expected to make the 350 mile roond trip doon to the midlands, (just sooth of Derby) and of course we expect to see a few 'Geordie exiles' az well in the crowd when we get there!

We leave in 'The Geordie Times' mini bus in just ower half an hours time @ 1:30 pm bells' from 'The Newcastle Arms' in St Andrews Street, which iz within eazy 'hocklin distance' of St James' Park!

A full 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match report on this game will be forthcomin' sometime on Tuesday---so!---watch this space then!

THE TOON 2 THE CHELSKI OAPs 0 !

Posted '9:55am bells' Sunday 3rd November 2013

Aftaa the disastrous week we have just had, the last thing we needed waz a game against 'in form' Chelski, who had won their previous six games!

And indeed, the visitors were 'on fire' in the 1st half with attack after attack and it seemed anly a matter of time before they broke the deadlock in the poarin' rain!
Wor 1st shot on target didn't come until the 30th minute when Cabaye had a weak effort saved by Chelski keeper Cech @ The Leazes End!

Somehow we managed to get to the break withoot concedin' and were grateful for that at least!

If you'd said to me or 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber', who waz sittin' next to me, that we would win this, we would have sent for the men in white coats to take you away in a straight jacket to the nearest lunatic asylum!

"A VERY RAINY ST JAMES' PARK!"

But!---and like in many games this season, we came oot with 'aall guns blazin' and in the last 30 minutes of the game in particular we pounded 'The Pensioners' goal az the torrential rain got heavier!
The 'unexpected' happened at the mid point of the half, when!, (after instructions from wor manager!) Yohan Cabaye send in a free kick from 35 yards oot and hiz floated effort foond the divin' heed of 'Gooffy' Gouffran which beat Cech 'aall ends up' @ The Gallowgate End!

Wor joy waz then 'doubled' in the last minute of the game when 'super-subs' Obertan foond Anita, who then crossed for Loic Remy, who curled the baall in from near the penalty spot.
Hiz shot hit the far post and reboonded into the net, past the stranded Cech, who waz rooted to the spot!
The crowd went wild in disbelief that we had won it!----Totally 'unexpected' but a gleefully 'excepted' THREE points!

News on the telly in 'The Duke of 'Welly' after the game, that the SMBs were losin' and had had TWO players sent of, brought a loud cheer aroond the bar az we celebrated wor win with 'glasses raised'! (Former Toon hero Tommy Cassidy was amongst the 'celebrators'!)

"WOT A DIFFERENCE A WEEK MAKES!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Santon, Williamson, Yanga, Tiote (Anita 53), Cabaye, Sissoko, Gouffran (Obertan 85), Remy, Shola Ameobi (Cisse 62)

Attendance: 51,674 (3,000 OAPs)

*Footnote: we say 'OAPs' or 'Pensioners' az this waz Chelski's nickname from 1905 - 1980's---They changed it to 'The Blues' then, but they will aalways be 'The Pensioners' az far az we are concerned!)   

THE TOON v THE CHELSKI OAPs ***TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '1:55pm bells' Friday 1st November 2013

Tomorrow we face Chelski @ St James' Park in anothaa unholy kick off time of '12:45 bells' for live telly and we can anly hope that 'wor tired players' (that wor manager haz talked aboot yesterday!) have had enough kip ower the last couple of days and come oot refreshed and 'ready to go'!

Of course the FOWER games in October that we have played have took there toll (accordin' to him!) ---ne wonder they are tired!
(Anly FOWER players played the full 90/120 minutes of wor October games by the way!--Namely: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson and Tiote!)

With just ONE win oot of wor last SEVEN home Premyaa Leegue games, we gan in against the west Londoners who have won their last SIX games in a row, and are unbeaten in their last NINE games!

Ne fewer than FIVE defenders  who have featured for us this season will be missin' for one reason or anothaa---namely: Steve Taylor, Coloccini, Haidara, Dummett and Good!

The omens arnt very good then!---but who naaz wot will happen tomorrow with wor Jekyll and Hyde side???

A full match report to follow sometime on Saturday neet or Sunday mornin'! <(dependin' on the result!)

THE TOON 0 THE BLUE MOONIES 2 (After extra time) *** "2 MORE HOURS OF PURE TORTURE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' 'Haalloween' Thorsday 31st October 2013

Well!---the club hierarckhy <(we naa how to spell aall the big words!) have been granted their forst wish!----The 'irritation' of The Leegue Cup iz nuw oot of the way and we can concentrate on wor Premyaa Leegue survival plan?, til January at least, when the 2nd 'irritation', The FA Cup comes 'a-caallin'!

Despite sayin' he waz desperate for some silverware in the club's empty display cabinet, wor manager opted for five changes to the startin' line up from 'Sunday's submission' with Shola partnerin' Cisse up front in a 4-4-2 formation!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END
DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from row 'Y' Leazes Middle Section)

The Blue Moonies made TEN changes from their last game against Chelski, az both teams slogged it oot on the park!

It waz torture at times az both sides looked disinterested az the game progressed!
Wor forst shot on target came from Shola on the half hour mark, but hiz effort waz parried away by City's sub goalie Pantilimon.

This resulted in The Toon havin' their porple patch az we tried in vain to find a way through their defence---with ne luck!
Shola had a goal disallowed for offside and Anita blew a great chance when it lucked easier to score!

The 2nd half waz played mainly in midfield az The Toon attacked The Leazes End where 2,000 or so Blue Moonies were housed in 'level 7' above! <(the rest of 'level 7' waz completeleee empty!)
Goffran then missed a chance at 'the death' when he heeded narrowly wide!---this waz wor last chance in normal time and we 'blew it'!

Extra time loomed and az the ref blew aa made straight for the concourse 'tool-shed' for a 'gypsies' and on remergin' there were loads of fans complainin' that the 'burger bars' were now closed with their shutters doon! (and here's me thinkin' that you come to a futbaall match to watch a game of futbaall!?---how stupid am I???)

We had a glorious chance to win it, orly in the 1st half of extra time, when Cisse fluffed an easy chance @ The Leazes End which you or 'I' could have scored from!!!

The Blue Moonies took full advantage of this and soon after the deadlock waz broken @ The Gallowgate End when Negredo slotted home in the 99th minute!
They doubled their lead soon after when Dzeko rounded Krul in The Toon goal to win the tie!
This waz the 'Q' for hundreds of Toon fans to leave 'the sinkin' ship' az they left their seats in their droves!


The proposed 'singin section' in the Strawberry Corner' did themsels ne favours by singin' the: "You fat Cockney Bustard,---get out of our club!" song! <(that's the new singin' section 'doon the pan', then!)

By the end the '2 hour plus torture' waz complete az the groond waz nearly empty by then and 30 minutes 'valuable drinkin' time' had aalso been lost!

Verdict: For the 2nd time this week we were the bettaa team but like against the SMBs last Sunday we couldn't put wor chances away and paid the price!

No doubt that 'The Fat Controller' will be hopin' to get 'The Muppets', 'The Liverbirds' or 'The Arse' away in the FA Cup to grant hiz 2nd wish!

Toon team: Krul, Haidara (Dummett 46) <(Ben Arfa 81), Tiote, Yanga, Williamson, Sissoko, Anita, Gouffran, Shola Ameobi (Cabaye 67), Cisse

Attendance: 33,846 (2,000 Blue Moonies)  

THE TOON v THE BLUE MOONIES ***LEEGUE CUP 4th ROOND***TOONEET!

Posted '12:222pm bells' Wednesday 30th October 2013

DEMBA BA HEEDS HOME AGAINST 'THE BLUE MOONIES'
IN THE LEEGUE LAST SEASON ***WE LOST 3-1 !

'The paupers of The Toon' gan into tooneets game against 'The mega-rich Mancunians', havin' lost the last EIGHT games in a row against them!***which we think must be some kind of unwanted record!

Not sure of wor line up yet, but we here that Cheik Tiote will remain az captain and that Yanga 'wanga' will retorn from suspension with Papiss Cisse up front! <(we didn't here this from 'The Ronny Gill', by the way, who are banned from the groond!***see article below!)

Resorvists Shola, Anita and 'Marveaux the Magician' are likely to start and we'll just have to wait and see the rest of the team line up az kick off time approaches at '7:45 bells'!

Everyone of course iz 'on a downer' after 'Sunday's surrender' but we here that 30,000 tickets have been sold---nearly aall of them before the 'derby debacle'!

The Blue Moonies have been allocated 2,400 tickets but we divvint naa just how many of them have been sold? (probably half that!)

We start off wor 'tonsil ticklin'  in 'The Welly' in High Bridge @ '5 bells' before movin' on to othaa hostelries before endin' up in 'The Newcastle Arms' for the final pre match 'gargels'!

Lets hope it isn't 'nine in a row', but who would bet against that!?

Match report to follow @ dinnatime tomorrow!

RONNY GILL IZ BANNED!

Posted 12:53pm bells Tuesday 29th October 2013

THE FRONT PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!

News that the Toon's THREE main papers have aall been banned from St James' Park haz been dein' the roonds and it iz a very sad day indeed when the local 'rags' can't speak their mind!

NUFC arnt happy with papers negative coverage of events at St James' Park are didn't even let wor manager answer any questions put to him by them after Sunday's 'disaster derby'! <(very childish if yoo ask us!)

The 'Ronny Gill' alang with 'The Jawnil' and 'Sundih Sun' have aall been ostracized forthwith and won't even be allowed into the groond's press box in the future az 'The Fat Controller' haz hoyed the toys oot the pram!

The Toon's FOURTH paper----'The Geordie Times' will NOT be gagged  in this way however!---and we will of course give yoo forst hand accoonts of aall the games we see and wor honest opinions!

On Wednesday we play 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' in the Leegue Cup @ St James' and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that we will be in The Leazes End to report on it!
If the forst name on the team sheet says resorve goalie 'Elliot' then yoo can bet your bottom, bottom dollar! that a second string eleven will be runnin' oot @ 7:45 bells' tomorrow neet!

More to follow on aall this at dinnaatime tomorrow!  

SMBs 2 THE TOON 1 *** "SEVEN HOURS OF TORTURE!"

Posted '11:13am bells' Monday 28th October 2013

"DEFINATLY NOT! THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR!"

The day started off @ '9 am bells' in The William X1 boozer (of aall places!) on Gatesheed High Street, where a couple of the lads were gannin' for the forst 'gargels'!
The side street next to 'The William' of course iz where Geordie Ridley waz born, the composer of the Geordie National anthem 'The Blaydon Races' and a few pints were consumed there before heedin' 'ower the waataa' to The 3 Bulls which waz heeevin' and then onward to The Newcastle Arms for the final 'liquid refreshments' before boardin' the 'torture chamber busses' to the SOS.

Aa say 'torture chamber' coz it takes so lang to get doon there (normally ower an hour) for the 13 miles jorney between the 2 groonds, escorted by many blue sirens and a helicopter!

We'd left the bar @  the ridiculous time of 10:30 bells to catch the busses for the 1:30 kick off some 3 hours later!
We eventually arrived at the SOS to be greeted by the usual 'sad half a sheeps brains' who were assembled to give us 'V' signs etc. (one even wore a horses heed!) and we were escorted like cattle to the tornstiles by aboot 200 'dibbles'!

Once inside, many Toon fans heeded for the bars which were sorvin' watered doon beer! A disgraceful state of affairs if yoo ask me and they shud 'hang their heads in shame', those who did buy 'the mackem demon drink'! (Aa refuse 'point blank' to buy anything here (az usual!) and stood for ower an hour, 'alcohol free', dyin' of thirst!)

It waz then time to heed for mee 'standin' place' reet behind the goal in 'row 8' of the upper tier!
Block of red and pink? empty seats could be seen dotted around the groond az the SMBs couldn't sell aall their tickets!

And then the real torture began!---With just five minutes gone the home side went in front from a corner when Fletcher heeded in at the far end from us!

Despite havin' most of the play we couldn't find a way back and we had fower free kicks from 35 yards oot from Cabaye and Ben Arfa but their efforts from that distance were in vain az they they were just too far oot to score and the free kicks ended up in the crowd!

We lacked pride and passion and we couldn't even put two passes together at times in wot waz a shockin' forst half display from us! 

And then at last!--a comeback in the 2nd half ,when in the 57th minute, Mathieu Debuchy fired home after runnin' roond the mackem defence to put us level!--- and there were wild celebrations in the away section with fans faallin' ower seats az they went 'ballistic'!

However wor 'joy' waz not to last az the game petered oot and with just six minutes to gan the ref oweruled the linesman to give advantage to the SMBs and the resultin' free kick foond Borini who fired home to compound wor 'torture'!
There waz ne way back for us now and we heeded back to the concourse where we were held back for an hour before boardin' the bussues once again for the snail pace 'torturous' one hour (plus!)jorney back to Tyneside! <(via Westerhope!) (That's an average speed of less than13 MPH! by the way!)

We eventually arrived back @ The Newcastle Arms @ '5:30 bells' (more than TWO hours after the final whistle!) which waz some SEVEN HOURS after we left there to gan doon!

That's!---SEVEN HOURS to see this cr*p 90 minute match and de the 26 mile roond trip!---"Welcome to the torture chamber!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Santon, Cabaye, Williamson, Dummett, Sissoko (Cisse 46) , Tiote, Ben Arfa, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 70), Remy (Shola Ameobi 70)

Attendance: 46,313 (more than 2,500 below capacity!) (2,800 tortured Toon fans!) <(they wouldn't give us any more tickets!)

SMBs v THE TOON ***THIS SUNDAY DINNATIME! ***ONE DAY TO GAN! ***PLUS! ARCHIVE DERBY MATCH REPORTS FROM 1967 and 1970!

Updated 'high noon bells' Saturday 26th October 2013


"ARE THEY PEOPLES HOOSES?"
TOON FANS DISCUSS THE MAGNIFICENT ARCHITECTURE
OF SOUTHWICK, JUST 200 YARDS
FROM THE STADIUM OF SSHHH!!! (YE NAA WOT!)
(Photo taken last season on wor retorn jorney from the SOS) 

The big day iz aalmost upon us and the 149th competitive Tyne/wear derby takes place @ The Stadium of Ssshhh!! (Ye Naa Wot!) tomorrow with an unusual '1:30 bells kick off, az opposed to the 'high noon' starts the local 'dibble' normally insist on! (and divvint forget!---the clocks gan BACK an hours this Sunday az well!)

This will be 'The Geordie Times's' 47th competitive derby 'in a row' since 1967 (includin' the one we were banned from @ 'Joker' in 1996!) and in aall that time we have anly seen 'The Toon' lose twice doon there!***Once @ Joker Park and once at the SOS!

We understand that the game iz NOT a complete selloot az the mackems are STILL sellin' tickets for the home ends! <(SMB members anly!)

Wor end of course with 2,800 iz completely selt oot---and indeed we could have selt 10 times az many az we were allocated!
However!---if yoo have plenty  of 'dosh' corporate seats can be purchased from NUFC az the SMBs cannit sell them to their own fans!

Schools in sooth Tyneside have been given FREE tickets in a desperate attempt to try and boost the gate--but (az we naa so well!) there are thoosands of Toon fans who live there az well! <(so there could be 'fun and games' after aall!)

The 'late start'? gives us time for some much needed pre match gargels  and az we speak we have 'put the feelers oot' are tryin' to 'suss oot' just which boozers in the Toon will be open orly before we depart for 'the sad place'!

"STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!"
'The Three Bulls' in The Haymarket iz open @ '9 am bells' we understand for orly 'tonsil ticklers'!
Othaa 'orly openers' include 'The Porcy', 'The Strawberry' plus a few in 'The Gate'!

We will of course bring yoo a compreeehesive match report on Sunday!---fingers and toes crossed it's a good one!



Meeenwhile!-- and to 'wet your appitite'!---below are two archive reports from joker park in 1967 and 1970 when crowd segregation waz unhord of!

EAST END GROUNDHOP! *** "AALL DAY TOMORROW!"

Posted '1:30pm bells' Friday 25th October 2013

To celebrate 125 years of the Northern League, they are dein' one of their famed groundhops tomorrow in Newcastle's east end!

Fower Northern League games will kick off at staggered times and the amazin' thing iz that matches on aall fower groonds are within two miles of each othaaa!
Add in the fact that The Toon U18s are takin' on Spors U18s @ Little Benton az well, then there's the unprecedented possibility of takin' in FIVE games in the space of NINE hours!

The itinerary iz az follows if yi stupid enough to de aall five!:
10:30 am bells: Heaton Stannington v Birtley Toon ***watch the 1st half and Then! 'move on' to Little Benton just up the road to watch the 2nd half of The Toon U18s game against Spors which kicked off @ 11 bells!***
Then! 'move on' to Darsley Park just roond the corner to watch West Allotment Celtic play North Sheeelds @ 1:15pm bells!
Then!***'move on' again and heed back to the groond next to Little Benton where Team Northumbria take on The Whitley Bay Watchers @ 4 bells' and Then! (finally!)*** 'move on' a fortha mile doon the road to watch Newcastle Benfield play Morpeth Toon @ 7 bells!

Best of luck yoo sad bustards!

PS: 'The Geordie Times' will NOT be on 'the hop' az a'm dein' anothaa neetshift run doon to Halesowen near Bormingham tooneet and will be tucked up in bed when the forst game kicks off!****"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"
   

NUFC DERBY TEAM NEWS***EXCLUUUSIVE! ****FROM WOR INTREPID SECRET CLUB INSIDER!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 25th October 2013


"YEE NAA WOT!"

Wor secret club insider haz informed 'The Geordie Times' that despite the conspiracy theories aboot 'Fab' Coloccini 'jumpin ship', that he iz back on Tyneside for treatment from hiz trip to Argentina for personal reasons.
We understand that he could be oot for a lang time, which of course rules him oot of Sunday's derby match @ The Stadium of Sshhhh! (Yee Naa Wot!)

'Spiderman' (Gutierrez) iz oot for personal reasons az well and Yanga 'wanga' will aalso be missin' through suspension, coz of hiz sendin' of against 'The Liverbirds' the othaa week!

We understand that it's a 'toss up' between 'Dummy' and Steve Taylor az to who will partner Mike Williamson in cetral midfield!

More news (ne doubt?) from wor 'secret agent' az it happens!---watch this space!