LIVE TELLY GAMES TO BE ANNOONCED in 5 MINUTES @ 11am BELLS' (WATCH THIS SPACE!)

MILAN MATCHWINNER SIGNS FOR THE TOON !*** "A NEW STRIKER AT LAST!" *** 'JoeK' KEEPS HIZ PROMISE TO THE TOON FAITHFUL!

Posted '9:45am bells' Thorsday 11th July 2013

"STOP PRESS!" *** "STOP PRESS!" *** New NUFC Director of Futbaall 'JoeKanory', who haz been on a 'well earned'? weeks family 'oliday to Italy, secretly travelled to Milan on hiz way back from 'sunning himself in Sardinia' and az promised, he haz brung back a proven striker to bolster wor forward line in a sensational coup!


'Joekanory' commented later:
"I told the Noocarsal fans I would sign a top rate striker by Friday!***and I haven't let them down!"

"IT'S PIE IN THE SKY!"

Posted '9:10pm bells' Wednesday 10th July 2013


"IZ THAT A 'MAG'PIE?"


Despite 'SKY' promisin' to release the forst batch of live telly fixtures for the forthcomin' Premyaa Leegue season on Monday ***** By '9:00pm bells' on Wednesday neet they STILL hadn't published any news of their televised games?

We await with 'baited breath' to see if it's 'pie in the 'SKY', <(sic!) or if we ARE still playin' 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' on a Monday neet az waz predicted by 'The Geordie Times' secret undercover reporter yesterday? (see below!)

GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE! *** BLUE MOONIES GAME NOW ON MONDAY!

Posted '9:15pm bells' Tuesday 9th July 2013

We telt yoo @ 'The Geordie Times' a couple of days ago that we thought wor openin' Premyaa Leegue game against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' would be moved for 'live telly'

This iz exactleee wot haz happened and wor secret undercover reporter who cannot be named for obvious reasons caalled 'Sarnie Steve', haz telt us that we will be gannin to Mancland two days after the season starts on Monday 19th August!

Remember!****yoo read this news forst in' The Geordie Times' @ '9:15 pm bells' tooneet! ***and newhere else!

OPENIN' LIVE TELLY GAMES TO BE ANNOONCED ***"ER!"*** ON WEDNESDAY AND NOT TODAY!!

Updated '9:00pm bells' Monday th July 2013

SKY have just 'moved the goalposts' by annooncin' that their live telly games will now be published on WEDNESDAY and NOT today, az we forst told yoo yesterday in 'The Geordie Times'!

We fully expect that wor openin' Premyaa Leegue game away to 'The Blue Moonies' on Saturday August 17th will be moved for live telly coverage by SKY or BT!
The forst few televised games will now be published sometime on Wednesday mornin' < (hopefully!) and yoo can rest assured that 'The Geordie Times' will bring yoo, wor loyal reeders, the news 'second hand, forst' az per usual, sometime later that neet!

Wor openin' fixtures for August and September are aall '3 bells' Saturday kick offs (at the moment!)
Az usual they are in 'Geordie Times cryptic code' to avoid us bein' sued  for any copyright infringements! (work them oot!)

KEY: Orange=Home game   Pink=Away game 

AUG
SAT 17 The Blue Moonies @ The City of Manc Stadium < (it's original name!)

SAT 24 The Jellied Eels Mob @ St James' Park < (and aalways will be!)

W/C 26 Leegue Cup***opponents and venue unknown yet?

SAT 31 The Wacko Jacko Jivers @ St James' Park

SEP
SAT 14 The Hazbeens and Villians @ Villa Park

SAT 21 Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Feet @ St James' Park

SAT 28 The Toffee Noses @ Goodison Park

THE HEEDBANGERS 2 PARTICK THISTLE NIL 1

Posted '9:40pm bells' Saturday 6th July 2013

Billy Connelly's prediction that Partick Thistle would score 'nil' today nearly rang true, but the Scottish Premyaa Leegue newcomers DID! score and their anly goal of the game came in the last five minutes of the game, but it waz to 'ne avail' az 'The Heedbangers from Gatesheed' had scored twice in the forst half to seal this famous victory for the non leegue club from the 'banks o the Tyne'!
 
Durham City's New Ferens Park waz the 'home venue' this afternoon for the 'Tyneside nomads' and it waz a well desorved victory 'at that', in the glorious sunshine! < (aye!---av got a very canny 'pot belly' suntan now!)

In the clubhouse before the match it took us TWENTY MINUTES! to reach the bar az it waz full of 'Thistle Nil' fans, singin' anti Rangers and Celtic songs!
ie: "We hate the royal blue!--- < (Rangers)
We hate the emerald green!---< (Celtic)
We are Glasgow's number one!---
So F*** the Pope and Queen!" 
(or words to that effect!)

Anyway!---it waz soon time to heed for the two tornstiles that were open and TEN QUID waz taken from my grasp by the tornstile operator and 'ne change given'! < (daylight robbery in Durham!)

'The Heed' took the lead in the 2nd minute when Briggs hit an unstoppable right foot shot into the back of the net to silence the red and yellow hoards who had crossed Hadrians Waall!
Then!--just before the break anothaa unstoppable 'right footer', this time from Marwood doubled 'The Heeds' advantage to send the ootnumbered Tynesiders wild with delight!

That's the way it stayed until Partick's one and anly goal and it waz a happy 300 or so 'Heedbangers' who 'heeded' the 15 miles back to Tyneside up the 'A1M'

Attendance: 700? (estimated) (400 'Thistle Nil' fans and 300 'Heedbangers'!) (everyone with canny suntans in the searin' heat!)

THE HEEDBANGERS v PARTICK THISTLE NIL! ****TODAY @ DURHAM

Posted '11:25am bells' Saturday 6th July 2013



"PARTICK THISTLE NIL!" 

'The Toon' are of course off to Scotland in 10 days time to play Motherwell @ Fir Park in wor forst pre season friendly, but in the meantime anothaa Scottish Premyaa Leegue side are playin' in the north east today, when newly promoted Glaswegian side Partick Thistle play 'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheed @ New Ferens Park, Durham @ '3 bells'!

Comedian Billy Connolly, who of course hails from "Glasgey" famousleee used to caall then 'Partick Thistle Nil' az they were so bad! < (Billy waz born less than 2 miles from Firhill Park, where Thistle play)

'The mad-sad groundhopper' HAZ seen 'The Heedbangers' play Thistle before, way back in 1970 @ Redheugh Park, Gatesheed when they won 5-0 in a friendly! (The last game aa ever saw there before some 'tosser(s)' bornt the wooden main stand doon!)

Az av got nowt betta to de today, a'm gannin doon with
'Tex Taylor' in mee 'canny tranny' to watch the game!
They've got a 'canny clubhouse' and a few Jocks will be in attendance ne doubt!

Admission prices for this game are unknown, but we de naa that 'The Heed' match programme iz priced @ £1:50
('Geordie Times' match report to follow later!)

"WE'RE ALL GOIN' ON A SUMMER 'OLIDAY!"

Posted '2:10pm bells' Friday 5th July 2013

"NOW WHERE DID I BOOK THAT 'OLIDAY TO???"---"AND FROM WHERE!???"

New NUFC 'Director of Futbaall',  'JoeKanory' < (aalso known az 'JoeK In Yi Ear!) iz SO consorned aboot findin' a striker in the transfor window to partner Demba Cisse up front, that he haz!---wait for it!---GONE ON 'IZ SUMMER 'OLIDAYS! with 'iz family, aftaa just a few days in the job!

"WORDS ABSOLUUUTLEEE FAIL US!"

(With a bit 'luck', he'll not be able to find hiz way back!)

"NUFC***A KONED OFF AREA!"

Posted '9:00am bells' Friday 5th July 2013 

Unbeknown to man nor beast, NUFC haz been declared a 'no kone area', followin' the club's decision to abandon attempts to sign centre forward Arouna Kone from Wigan Athletic for '£5 mill' yesterday!
In othaa words he won't be swappin' the 'blue n white stripes' of 'The Blue Wigs' for the 'black n white stripes' of 'The Toon'!

The search gans on for a strikin' partner for Cisse with FIVE days of the transfor window gone!


Meeenwhile 16 year old Cameroonian born midfielder/forward Olivier Kermen haz joined us for an undisclosed fee from French club Metz.

Wethaa he iz "one for the future" or "one to hoy in at the deep end" straight away, iz un-known, az yet!? 

"I'LL TELL YOU A STORY!***JOEKANORY!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 4th July 2013

From the 1960's to the 1990's a popular childrens TV programme caalled 'Jackanory' waz broadcast, where famous presenters would read stories from a book.
The storylines were 'fantasy' and 'make-believe' and millions of kids tuned in to watch it. 

The 21st century haz it's very own version of that programme by the name of 'JoeKanory', featurin' wor very own 'Director of Futbaall' az the storyteller!

Below are just some of the many fantasy and make-believe stories that 'JoeKanory' haz been tellin' us lateleee!

AALTOGETHER NOW! "JoeKanory!-JoeKanory!-Joekanory!"

1: "I was manager of Wimbledon for 10 years!"
    (7 years actually!)

2: "EVERY top club in the land has got a director of football!"
(Man U and Arsenal DIVVINT have one!)

3: "I have been a manager for 35 years!"
(JoeK took his 1st ASSISTANT managers job in 1983 (under Dave Mackay)---and hiz last job as manager of 'The Toon' in 2009---He anly became a manager in English futbaall at Wimbledon in 1992!)

4: "I've won EVERY award there is in football as a player!"
(JoeKanory won 4 honours at Spors---The FA Cup in 1967---The UEFA Cup in 1972---and The League Cup on 2 occasions in 1971 and 1973----He haz NEVER won the League title or European Cup or played in ANY major international tournament!)

5: "I'm lending my experience as a manager for all those years!--- I was manager of Nottingham Forest for TWO years!"
(He waz manager for TEN months and quit in their Championship RELEGATION season!)

6:"TWO years winning promotion at Luton!"
(Joekanory was RELEGATED in his 1st season at Luton Town but did manage to guide the club to promotion the followin' year!)

7: "I was manager of the Nepal national team, but had to leave during the Prince Diphendra massacre!"
(The 'massacre' actually happened EIGHTEEN YEARS! after Joekanory had left! < It's Unbeleeevible that he COULDN'T remember that!???) 

8: "I was manager of Newcastle for nearly TWO years!"
(Less than FIVE months---me finx!)

9: "We 've got some great players like Yohan KEBABS!"
(Words fail us!)


 10:"I signed goalie Tim Krul!"
(Oh no yoo didn't! ---he signed for us THREE YEARS before yoo came!)

AND FINALEEE!

11: "I'm 'head and shoulders' above anybody else for the job because of my vast experience as a player and manager!"
  (We don't believe it!, az 'JoeKanory' haz never had any signs of dandruff!) (The NUFC 'SOAP' opera just gans on and on!)