"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!" ***"AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETLEEE DIFFERENT!"

Updated '1:00pm bells' Thorsday 23rd May 2013

In yesterday's 'Ronny-Gill' wor manager said that we'd better beware of othaa clubs pinchin' wot star players we have left and that there waz nothin' we could de to stop this!?---with the back page heedline of: 'PARDS IS ON GUARD'

Today he says that next season we can emulate Liverpool and finish az high az seventh!?---with the back page heedline of:
'REDS ARE BLUEPRINT' 
How the hell can we match them if we continue to sell rather than buy star players???
And 'lest we forget'---it iz less than a month since 'The Liverbirds' inflicted wor heaviest home defeat in livin' memory! <(SIX-NIL just in case yoo've forgotten!)

One minute he's says 'one thing' and the next he says something COMPLETLEEE DIFFERENT!
It's like a scene from 'Monty Python's Flying Circus!'

2013-2014 PRE SEASON FIXTURE NEWS!

Posted '6:40pm bells' Tuesday 21st May 2013 

Pre-season games 2013-2014
Ok!---the season haz just finished and aalready we are lookin' at the fixures for next season! <(ARE we sadists or wot!?)
Wot we de naa for certain iz that wor Under 17s will be playin' once again in 'The Northern Ireland Milk Cup' (group 4), with the final @ The Ballymena Showgrounds' (above)

Ne othaa venues have been decided yet, but we de naa wor three opponents, who will be: 'The Liverbirds' U17s, Coonty Armagh and 'O' Higgins of Chile <(ne relation to the late snooker player 'Hurricane Higgins' of Belfast!)

The tournament takes place between July 28th and August 2nd and some of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' are 'toyin' with the idea of takin' in at least one of wor games there, shud the forst team be playin' in Sooth Africa or the USA az rumoured, for the 2nd year runnin'!?
(The 'plan' iz to gan on the 'short hop' to Ireland az the sheer cost of the Africa or America trip rules many of 'the mad-sad groundhoppers' oot of the equation!)

Speculation aboot the trips to Africa/USA  are still 'up in the air'!---but fear not!---'The Geordie Times' will bring yoo!, wor loyal reeeders any news of this, 2nd hand 1st---az usual!

Watch this space!

THE TOON 0 THE ARSE 1

Updated '1:45pm bells' Monday 20th May 2013

"BITTER SWEET SIXTEEN!"


YOHAN CABAYE PREPARES TO TAKE A CORNER
(bottom right) @ THE GALLOWGATE END
(NOTE THAT THE OFFICIALS ARE WEARIN YELLOW!)

For the seventh season in a row we failed to win wor last home game, when we lost 1-0 to 'The Arse' with a dubious lookin' 'offside' goal in the 2nd half!
The fact that ne Toon players protested aboot this made us think that perhaps we were wrang in the forst place?

Anyway!---it doesn't reeely matter az we yet again put in a tired lack lustre 2nd half performance to put the 52,000 crowd to sleep! "ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (2nd half)
(OFFICIALS ARE IN GREEN NOW!?)

We started off much brighter though in the forst period az we attacked 'The Gallowgate End' and had a couple of good chances to gan aheed, but poor finishin' let us doon again!

In the 37th minute the crowd borst into spontanious applause for goalie Stevie Harper who waz makin' hiz very last appearence for us in hiz number 37 shirt and Stevie acknowledged them with a brief wave az 'The Arse' bared doon on wor goal!<(the 'highlight' of the half!)

The taalkin' point for us at half time waz the fact that a minutes applause for for former Toon player Steve Carney who sadly died a fortneet ago waz NOT forthcomin' before the kick off, despite a request for this by hiz family! <(shame on yoo NUFC!)<(when the Queen Mother died, we had a minutes silence for hor, but az far az I'm aware she never played for us!) 

Anyway!---When 'The Arse' took the lead there waz ne way back for us and we aall wished for the final whistle and this sorry season to end!

At the end fans were asked to remain in their seats while the team did 'a lap of honour' but many couldn't get oot of the groond fast enough az thoosands 'scrambled' for the exits!<(wot does THAT tell yoo?)

Othaa results meeen that we finish in a sorry SIXTEENTH position oot of twenty!

More of 'I Beg Your Pardew' next season?
YOO'D BETTER BELIEVE IT! 

Toon team: Harper, Coloccini, Yanga (Campbell 80), Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Cabaye (Anita 57), Ben Arfa, Gutierrez, Tiote, Cisse, Gouffran (Marveaux 64)   

Attendance: 52,354 (3,000 'Arseholes' in Level 7 celebratin' their Champions Leegue qualification!)
The crowd waz the highest in Britain ower the weekend, includin' the two 'play-off finals' @ Wembley!

Geordie Times quiz questions:
1: Did we score from a corner kick in ANY of wor 54 competitive games this season?
2: How many yellow and red cards in total did Toon players receive this season?
Waz it 81?---91?---101?---or---111?

Answers to theeze questions on Friday when we publish the othaa quiz question answer we asked last week:
Name anothaa former English groond, apart from Belle Vue, Consett, where The Toon have played, which went by the same name?
(A VERY famous ex Toon player and manager waz born here!)
*A 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match report from THAT game will be published on Friday az well!

THE TOON v THE ARSE ***TODAY @ 4 BELLS!**** THE FINAL CURTAIN CAALL!

Posted '9:25am bells' Sunday 19th May 2013


ST JAMES' PARK FROM LEAZES PARK
(TAKEN ON THORSDAY***WHEN IT WAZ SUNNY!)

The final day of season 2012-2013 iz upon us in wot will be wor 54th competitive game of the campaign  
This iz now a 'no pressure game' for us, az we are thankfully, safe from 'the abyss'!--So lets hope we can 'play' for a change!

Stevie Harper makes an unexpected but welcome appearance in hiz 199th and last ever game for the club and he will receive a standin' ovation from the capacity crowd az he runs towards the Leazes/Gallowgate End az the teams come oot the tunnel!

Captain 'Fab' Coloccini iz aalso expected to make his final 'curtain caall' for us and we wish him well for the future, if (az expected) he 'jumps ship' back to Argentina!

It's a foggy day here on Tyneside az aa speak and heavy rain iz forecast this afternoon!

This IZ a 'pressure game' for 'The Arse' of course, who are in pole position for a Champions Leegue place in their race with their arch enemies 'Sporz' to avoid the 'dreaded'<(and don't we know it!) Europaa Leegue!--- 'Sporz' just so happen to be playin' the SMBs @ White Hart Lane @ the same kick off time!

We can anly hope that both 'Sporz' and worsels can 'de the business' today, which will mean we could finish in a 'mind bogglin' TENTH position shud othaa results gan wor way? <(very unlikeleee we finx!)

'The Arse' az we aall naa painfully scored SEVEN against us @ their place orlier on this season and have the best defensive away record in 'The Premyaa' this season, havin' conceded just 14 goals!---On top of that WE havvent won wor final home game of the season for SIX years! <(so that's an easy three points for us then!)

Steve Taylor and Cheik Tiote are available for selection but there are doubts aboot Haidara, Santon and 'The Sissoko Kid', while Shola Ameobi iz expected to miss oot aaltogether and we understand that he will not even be on the subs bench!

The final day will start off @ 'high noon bells' in 'The Duke of Welly' in High Bridge, before we move on to 'The Monkey Bar' and 'The Companions Club'! <(and then the match!)

A full report of the 'last day' of this torrrid season will be forthcomin' sometime later toneet or tomorrow mornin'! <(dependin' on the result and how much 'liquid lubrication' haz been consumed!)

THE TOON v THE ARSE ***THE FINAL CURTAIN!

Updated '11:10am bells' Saturday 18th May 2013

ST JAMES' PARK FROM BARRACK ROAD
(THE MILBURN STAND)
(photo taken Thorsday) (note the size of the
 red double decker bus in comparison to the stand!)
*FOR MORE 'EXCLUUUSIVE' ST JAMES' PARK PICS
GAN TO 'ST JAMES' PARK TOUR'
IN THE TOOL BAR AT THE TOP OF THIS PAGE
AND 'CLICK'
(aalso new photos in 'TYNE VIEWS' section!)

The final curtain of this very lang and tirin' season finally comes to a close tomorrow @ '4 bells' in wot iz now a live telly game!
'The Arse' from 'Is'(lington) provide the opposition and thankfully! we are under ne pressure az the final relegation issue waz finally resolved last Tuesday, when wor opponents relegated 'The Blue Wigs' to 'the abyss' of 'The Championship' with a 4-1 victory!
We of course conceded SEVEN @ 'The Em' orlier on this season, so it's just az well we are safe!

Centre of attention gans to loyal servant Stevie Harper who will be takin' hiz final bow after 20 years and 199 games between the posts.
Rob Elliot's suspension and Tim Krul's lang torm injury meens that he gets hiz chance to say farewell to the near 50,000 loyalists who will be packed into St James' Park to see it! (The Arse have sold their 3,000 allocation)

A testimonial game for Steve against a certain Scottish 3rd Division club, by the name of 'Rangers', will provide the opposition <(and we don't meen 'Berwick' Rangers!), which probably take place sometime next season?

It iz highly like that Captain 'Fab' Coloccini could be playin' hiz last game for The Toon az well and he will be a sad loss if he decides to leave

We understand that anly a very few tickets remain for 'The Arse' game az aa write this, so if yi havvent got yours yet, yi'd better rush to the groond 'pronto' to get one!

Although there iz nowt at stake for us (apart from pride and revenge!), 'The Arse' are chasin' a Champions Leegue place with their arch "norf Landan" rivals 'Sporz', for they are anly ones who can catch them and they just happen to be playin' the SMBs @ White Hart Lane at the same time <(live telly az well we understand!)
So it shud be an interestin' afternoon---to say the least!

Watch this space for more updates!

"GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

Updated '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 15th May 2013

The final relegation place to 'the abysss' waz settled last neet az 'The Blue Wigs' of Wigan went doon 4-1 to 'The Arse' @ 'the Em', just three days aftaa they'd won the FA Cup @ Wembley!

Goodbye and good riddance to them!, especially to 'Callous' McManaman in particular, who tried to break Massadio Haidara's leg a while back, and who himself, got carried off on a stretcher last neet near the end of the game, when aall waz lost! <(wot gans roond---comes roond!)

Goodbye and good riddance! to 'appy 'arry and hiz 'rag and bone men' from QPR, for 'pinchin' Loic Remy, at the last minute from 'under wor noses', in the January transfor window, by danglin' a massive 'carrot' under his nose! <(We've just hord that Remy, who scored against us on Sunday, haz been arrested today, on suspicion of rape!)

Goodbye and good riddance! to 'The Biscuitmen of Readin', coz there groond iz FOWER miles from Reading toon centre and taxi fares from the train station to the groond 'take your eyes oot'!<(minimum £10 fare!)


And finalleee!--- it will be Goodbye and good riddance! to this horrible season next Sunday, az we can't wait for it to end!

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS *** BELLE VUE, CONSETT*** LAST CHANCE SALOON!

Updated '9:30am bells' Wednesday 15th May 2013

The Toon are sendin' a resorve side to Belle Vue Park in Consett on toneet @ '7 bells', in wot will be the last EVER game that Consett AFC will play there, az they are movin' on to 'pastures new' next season!
So if yiv nevaa been before, then this iz your very (very!) last chance to do so!
It's a fiver to get in for 'big kids', three quid for zimmerframites and just a quid for sprogs!

The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers have been here before of course, and for wor visit in 1999 av 'dug up' the archive match report from that game, caalled, "The Total Eclipse of the Sun!"(below!)

PS: Sadly, av trawled the back pages of today's 'Ronny Gill' and there iz ne mention whatsoever aboot this game, but they de mention that Newcastle United LADIES resorves are playin' @ Benton toneet!<(aalso '7 bells' if you're interested!?)

187 belle vue park consett

(GROUND NUMBER 187)

Date of First Visit: 10th AUGUST 1999

BELLE VUE PARK, CONSETT

 

CONSETT 1

NEWCASTLE UNITED XI 3 (Woodcock, Layton, Arnison)

 

FRIENDLY FIXTURE

ATTENDANCE 800 (ESTIMATED)

"THE TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN!"

Somewhere in the sky above Belle Vue Park, Consett, '8:11 pm bells' 10th August 1999

This match kicked off at 7 p.m. 'bells' which was precisely 16 hours and 11 minutes before the much hyped total eclipse of the sun ower Cornwall the next day.

 

HOWEVER!---Aa can exclusively reveal that Consett, which is high up in the wilderness of Coonty Durham was actually the forst place in the British Isles tih witness this historic event at precisely 8.11 p.m. that neet, (15 hours early!) when the sun disappeared from view and Belle View Park was enveloped under a blanket of thick black clouds and freezin' temperatures (definately NOT! 'Sun View' Park!-- and this was in the middle of the summer holiday season!, so god naaz what it's like here in the middle of winter!?

 

Before the match wi'd headed for the clubhoose at the back of the main stand where even the bar staff were wearin' thick sheepskin coats because of the caad weather! and the gadgie who sorved me nearly spilled mee pint on the coonta as his hands were shakin' uncontrollably ( presumably?---he was shakin'with the cold and not any alcohol related illness?) (obviously they'd neva hord of 'central heatin' up theeze parts!)
 

After a few caad 'liquids' to waam us up? (if that makes sense?) it was time to heed for the terraces via the players tunnel on the half way line! (Aye!—we took a wrang tornin' oot of the clubhouse and got lost!)

 

The main stand which stretched aboot half the length of the pitch looked very 'pre war' with a pitched roof which covered the back half which had bench seats with a standin' paddock to the front. On the far side there was a 'bike shed size' 'faally doon roof' which covered some grass and crumblin' terraces. And behind both goals there were grass banks with overgrown weeds. We stood in the main stand paddock behind the dugoots as there was a bit shelter from the bitin' wind.
 

The match started off badly for the Toon's resorve/ junior line up and we were one nowt doon after 16 minutes play---However!---Tony Woodcock equalised after 40 minutes when a mix up in the Consett defence allowed him a free shot on goal to bring the scores level.

 

Durin' the half time interval we were asked to pose for photos for the Newcastle Club Magazine as quite a few of us were groundhoppin' and they wanted to de a feature on us for the next issue (fame at last!)

"It's gone dark!--like!"

In the second half when the above mentioned 'Consett eclipse' desended ontih the groond, (and with the home defence taken by surprise by this momentous event!), Layton and Arnison took advantage for The Toon as the aad 'current bun' made it's 'exit' behind the

'man in the moon' and they scored in quick succession tih seal this friendly victory and leave Consett in the dark!. (sic!)

 

Footnote:

Accordin' tih the Consett president (John Hurst) the 'Consett eclipse' is a daily event up there!

 

(The next total eclipse ower the rest of Britain is in 2090!)

 
©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

 
PS: For the 'Geordie Glossary of Terms'

 

'click' on the right hand side bar►


 

 

'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG & BONE MEN RANGERS 1 THE TOON 2 ***"FROM 'THE ABYSS' TO 'BLISS'!"

Updated '11:25am bells' Monday 13th May 2013



BEN ARFA PENALTY @ 'THE LOFT END'
(THE TOON ARE IN 'HI VIZ' YELLOW)



WE'VE DONE IT!----we've avoided the 'abyss' of the Championship with this 'scrappy' but 'must win' game in Shepherd's Bush yesterday afternoon and have climbed to a 'nose bleedin' 13th in the Premyaa Leegue table with just one game to gan against 'The Arse' @ St James' next Sunday, in the final game of the season!

The pre match 'gargels' took place aroond the King's Cross area in 'The Dolphin' and 'McGlynn's Bar', before heedin' nearer to the groond where several 'liquids' were partaken in 'The Thatched Hoose' boozer which iz a 20 minute waalk from Loftus Road!

And then to the match!---wor most important game for 'many a year' and one we had to win to avoid a last day nail-biter!

It didn't start off well, az a dodgy lookin' penalty decision waz awarded against us in the 10th minute when Debuchy waz ajudged to have fouled Junior Hoillet inside the box!<(it looked 'ootside' from where wew were?)

Remy, of aall players tucked the baall to Elliot's right to give the home side an undeserved lead!

It didn't last lang though, and in a 'tit for tat' move, the ref gave US a penalty at the othaa end, for a shirt pull on Ben Arfa and wor number 10 smashed the baall into the top right hand side of the goal to level things!

Then!---the moment of the game came and wor 'life saver' when QPR defender Bosingwa tried a back pass, which Ben Arfa intecepted befor their goalie and the baall spun nicely to Gouffran who had the simple task of sidefootin' the baall into the net from 30 yards oot!
This sent the 1,608 Toon fans ballistic in 'The School End' and that's the way it stayed til the break!
2-1 would be enough to ensure wor survival and the 2nd half waz a game of 'beat the clock' az the minutes ticked doon.

THE TOON ARE ABOOT TO TAKE A FREE KICK
INSIDE THE QPR BOX! (it waz blocked!)
('View'? from row 'E' in The School End Upper Tier!) 

Toon goalie Rob Elliot waz needlessleee booked when he kicked the baall away and this waz to prove desisive az with just 9 minutes left on the clock he again 'needlessleee' handled ootside hiz area and waz sent off for a 2nd bookable offence!
Veteran Steve Harper replaced him to huge roars from the Toon fans and a norve janglin last few minutes waz endured before the ref put us oot of 'heart attack mode' and blew for full time!
WE WERE SAFE!

After the match it waz back to KX for some celebratory drinks before catchin' the '8 bells' (dry!) train back to Tyneside!

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Yanga, Tiote (Perch 52), Cabaye, Gutierrez, Ben Arfa (Harper 81), Cisse, Gouffran (Obertan 77), Cisse

Attendance:17,278 (1,608 Toon fans) <(plus many more in home sections!)

WOT THE PAPERS SAY! (the front and back pages of 'The Ronny Gill')

'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG & BONE MEN RANGERS v THE TOON ***TOODAY @ '3 BELLS'!

Posted '7:00am bells' Sunday 12th May 2013


WELCOME TO 'SUNDAY SCHOOL'!


Wor day of destiny iz upon us followin' 'The Hazbeens and Villians' dramatic 2-1 defeat at the hands of 'The Chelski OAPs, yesterday!
Az mentioned yesterday---make NE MISTAKE!---THIS! iz wor biggest game for 'many a year', az we fight to avoid 'the abyss'!

Because Villa have to play FA Cup winners? 'The Blue Wigs' next Sunday, it means that in the unlikeleee event of an away win for us this afternoon, we will be safe, with one week to gan before the end of the season!

We will have the backin' of 1,600 fans in 'The Shool End Upper Tier' with many more infultratin' the home sections to roar us on to victory?
Anything less and we will be sweatin' on 'The Arse' beatin' Wigan this comin' Tuesday @ 'The Em'!

Who would ever have thought that Wigan could beat Man C???---we can't take ANYTHING for granted!----wor destiny iz in wor OWN HANDS! <(and nebody elses!)

In less than an hours time, we are on the '7:55 bells' train to wor fave London destination of King's Cross, with plenty of 'liquid refreshment' to keep us gannin'!
Lets hope (and pray!) that we will be crackin' open a few cans in celebration on the way back az well!?

Full match and drink report to follow sometime tomorrow! < (hopefully a 'happy one'!?)