'WACKO JACKO JIVERS' GAME MOVED!

Updated '11:30am bells' Saturday 16th March 2013


"SOMEWHERE OOTSIDE
CRAVEN COTTAGE!"

Because of wor continued involvement in the Europaa Leegue ,wor home game against 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers of Fulham' haz been moved back a day to Sunday 7th April with a '3 bells' kick off time.

Because we are playin' Benfica <("the team from the 'propaa' Stadium of Light!") @ home on Thorsday 11th April, wor home derby game against the SMBs iz aalso expected to be moved back a day because of this, to Sunday 14th April, much to the annoyance of thoze who live 12 miles sooth of the Tyne! ---"Ha!-Ha!"

*For a full list of NUFC fixtures and results, gan to tool bar at the top of the page and 'click' onto 'NUFC fixtures 2012-13'

MIRACLES DE HAPPEN!---IT'S BENFICA @ THE 'REAL' STADIUM OF LIGHT!

Updated '10:05pm bells' Friday 15th March


"THE 'PROPAA' STADIUM OF LIGHT!"

"THE DREAM DRAW!"

Against aall the odds we've got wor wish and will play Benfica in the qwaata finals of the Europaa Leegue @ THE STADIUM OF LIGHT in Lisbon on Thorsday 4th April with the retorn leg on Thorsday 11th April @ St James'!


"THE ONE AND 'ANLY' STADIUM OF LIGHT!"

It waz a norve rackin' affair az the draw waz made live on uefa.com, az aa watched mee computaa screen, prayin' that we wouldn't get Lazio of Italy, az that game at their place would be behind closed doors because of previous crowd trouble in Rome!<(and end 'The Geordie Times' run of 111  competitive European games in a row!)

"THE 'ORIGIONAL' STADIUM OF LIGHT!"

Other ones to avoid included Ruban Kazan from Rushaa az we would need to apply for another visa, Fenerbache because it's 'mental' oot there and Sporz and Chelski coz we've been there many times before of course!

Add on the fact that we'd been to Basel in Switzerland and got the 't shirt' a few years ago, meant that the ANLY decent draw we could get waz Benfica of Portugal, az we'd never been there before for a match, plus the fact that they play at the origional and anly Stadium of Light in Lisbon!

Ex Toon 'flop' Patrick Klievert made the draw live in Nyon in Switzerland and forst oot the 'hat' waz the Chelski 'baall' and they were drawn against Ruban Kaban.
Then came Sporz who were drawn against Basel and the next 'baall' waz Fenerbache of Torkey!

With anly three teams left to draw now, aa had 'nightmare visions' of gettin' Lazio in the last match---BUT!--- az lady luck would have it, Lazio were drawn oot of the hat next to play Fenebache!----which meant of course (when the realisation set in!) that with anly two 'baalls' left to draw, that we would get wor dream draw of Benfica @ The Stadium of Light!----"Get in---Get in!", aa shouted at the computtaa screen, like a three year old kid gettin' hiz forst 'bike', az Klievert picked the penultimate baall oot of the 'hat'!

It waz Benfica, which of course meant that WE were the last 'baall' left, which Klievert 'pretended' not to naa?--and suprize!---suprize!--- it 'WAZ' US!---away leg forst and at home last!---the MIRACLE draw!---AND a 'brand new groond' to boot!

"THE 'REAL' STADIUM OF LIGHT!"

"YAHOOOO!"

THE GEORDIES 1 THE MAKHACHKEMS 0

Posted '10:40am bells' Friday 15th March 2013

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END
(View from row 'Y' Leazes middle tier)

A fabulous bullet heeder and the last 'kick' of the game sealed this tie in dramatic style when Demba Cisse heeded home @ The Leazes End after he got onto the end of a fabulous cross from 'Marveaux the Magician' to 'congure up' a place in the qwaata finals of the Europaa Leegue!

It was nil-nil up til this point and extra time looked a cortainty and the prospect of havin' 'ne time for a drink' after the game filled me with dread az a penalty 'shoot out' looked on the cards!

'The Makhachkems' had started off the brighter of the two sides in this the forst ever 'Tyne/Dagestan derby' @ St James!<(whey!---there's anly three thoosand miles distance between the two clubs!) and worryingly they had a few chances which they thankfully didn't convort.

'The Geordies' on the otha hand took a while to get gannin' and in torms of possession in the forst half the visitors 'nicked it'!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END

WE started off the brighter though in the second period and went close orly on when 'The Sissoko Kid' heeded just ower on a couple of occasions.
Steve Taylor then had a great chance to put us aheed but he 'fluffed it' and the stalemate continued!
And then the tornin' point came in the 55th minute when Anzi defender Gonzalez waz sent off for a second bookable offence, when he fouled Haidara and the Jawman referee showed him the red card!

We then went on the offensive<(we naa aall the big words!) and had numorous chances to win it

But Anzi nearly won it late on when a fabulous strike from Bossoffara<(hope av spellt this reet?) hit the bar @ The Gallowgate End with Rob Elliot in wor goal, beaten!

And then the most dramatic finale of aall!
After Cisse scored hiz bullet heeder he kicked the advertisin' board behind the goal in unbridled joy, nearly breakin' hiz foot in the process, az the 45,000 plus crowd went balllisssticcc!

The Jawman ref didn't even restart the game az Cisse had scored in the very last second! (93 minutes and 2 seconds to be precise!)

More importantly, with ne extra time or penalties, aa now had time for a few 'liquid refreshments' in The Companions Club after the game, before catchin' the last bus yem!

We were through to todays draw in an hours time and we will take on ANYBODY apart from Lazio, az they must play their home leg behind closed doors, with ne chance of us gettin' in!
(Er!---divvint want Ruban eetha, coz we'll have to apply those dreaded Rushan visas again!---or! Fenebache of Torkey coz it's tooo dangerous!)

Toon team: Elliot, Santon, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Haidara, Anita (Campbell 71), Tiote, Cabaye (Gutierrez 36), Marveaux, Sissoko, Cisse

Attendance: 45,487 (300 or so 'Makhachkems')


The draw for the qwaata finals will take place after the Champions Leegue draw @ '11:00 bells' this mornin', with the Europaa League draw due to start aroond aboot an hours time @ '11:40 bells'!

Teams we would like to draw are in GOLD!---teams we divvint want are in PINK! 

Ruban Kazan of Rushaa<(No thanx!---visas required again!)

Basel of Switzerland<(No thanx!---been here before---got the t shirt!)

Sporz of London<(No thanx!---been here this season aalready!)
Benfica of Portugal<(YES PLEEEEZE!---The REAL and ANLY Stadium of Light!)

Chelski of London<(No thanx!---again---been here this season!)

Fenebache of Torkey<(No thanx!---too dangerous!)

Lazio of Italy <(No thanx!---behind closed doors!)

So that narrows it doon then!?

WE WILL OF COURSE LET YOO NAA WHO WE GET AND WOR REACTION ASAP!

THE GEORDIES v THE MAKHACHKEMS ***TOONEET!

Updated '4:45pm bells' Thorsday 14th March 2013

Tooneet, in less than fower hours time @ '8:05 bells' we take on 'The Anzi Pansies' of Makachkala who hail from the Dagestan region of Rushaa, in the 2nd leg of this 'last 16 roond' of the Europaa Leegue.
The adrenalin iz startin' to pump az aa write this and dreams of an Amsterdam final in May are in mee heed!


A goal-less draw in Moscow last Thorsday gives US the advantage, but think back to the last roond when we drew 0-0 with Karkiv @ St James' to give THEM the advantage for the 2nd leg in the Ukraine, anly for Shola to 'pinch it' with the anly goal of the tie to send US through against the odds!

And divvint forget that the game in Moscow waz played at a 'neutral' venue because of unrest in war torn Dagestan ower a thoosand miles away!

That waz on a plastic pitch az well of course and a'm sure that wor multi millionaire opponents will put up a better show on grass and that this tie iz far from a foregone conclusion in wor favour!

We on the other hand are able to send oot a full strength team az we are now nine points above the abyss in the Premyaa Leegue and are favourites to progress to the qwaata finals!

Dont know wot the crowd will be but, if we divvint get 40,000, I for one will be disappointed in wot iz wor biggest game for a lang time!
(We've hord that 40 Anzi fans will travel from Dagestan, plus a fortha 400 'I'-'I's<(work it oot!) who are livin' in the UK!)

Az we speak we have hord that aall the lower section seats have now sold oot which holds a total of aroond 37,000 and they are now sellin' seats for The Leazes End 'upper' level 7 corner!

It shud be noted that because flares and green smoke bombs were set off by irresponsible toe-rags with 'half  sheeps brains' in previous Europaa Leegue ties,<(apologeez to any sheep readin' this---ne offence intended!) that yoo will be searched before yi gan in, which meeenz (of course!) that it will take yoo langer to reach your seat!---so it iz advisable to leave the boozer yoo are drinkin' in, much orlier, to make the kick off!<(and aall because of a few 'p*ss brains'!) 

SOME OF THE GREEN 'FOG ON THE TYNE'
SMOKE BOMBS, SET OFF @ THE KARKIV GAME
IN 'THE STRAWBERRY CORNER'!

This will be The Toon's 145th European tie since wor forst one against Feyenoord of Holland in 1968 (132nd if yoo DIVVINT include 13 Anglo-Italian Cup ties!) and 'The Geordie Times'z 111th competitive European tie 'in a row'! (includin' SIX in the 1992 Anglo-Italian) 

Europaa Leegue games toneet and who we want to win and gan through to the qwaata finals in gold: (in order of kick off times)

'5:00 bells': Ruban Kazan (0) v Levente (0)
'5:00 bells': Zenit St Pertersborg (0) v Basle (2)*
'6:00 bells': Inter Milan (0) v Sporz (3)
'8:05 bells': The Toon (0) v Anzi (0)
'8:05 bells': Bordeaux (0) v Benfica (1)
'8:05 bells': Chelski (0) v Steaua Bucharest (1)
'8;05 bells': Lazio (2) v Stuttgart (0)
'8:05 bells': Fenebache (1) v Pizan (0)
* We've been to Basle before, but it would be much easier (and cheaper!) than havin' to apply for anotha visa for Rushaa!       

PS: There are it seems at least THREE different ways to spell wor opponents forst name:
'ANZI'<(The Geordie Times vorsion!)
'ANZHI'<(The Dagestan vorsion!) and
'ANJI'<(The nufc.com vorsion!)
'The Geordie Times' haz used 'ANZI' aall alang and we will stick with this!
Take your pick!

Full 'Geordie Times' match report and pics sometime tomorrow mornin' az per usual!-----Watch this space!

THE GEORDIES v THE MAKHACHKEMS ***THORSDAY NEET!

Posted '6:25pm bells' Tuesday 12th March 2013

ACTION FROM LAST WEEKS GAME IN MOSCOW

Wor attention iz now drawn to wor big European tie against Anzi of Rushaa on Thorsday neet for a place in the qwaata finals!

'The Geordie Times' will post much more on this game tomorrow, but we expect that a full strength team will play in wor biggest game of the season so far!

"Must dash!---Watch this space!"
 

"ALMOST THERE!***WE'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Posted '10:40am bells' Monday 11th March 2013

The result yesterday against 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke' takes us NINE POINTS clear of 'the abyss' and we can 'nearly' stop lookin' ower wor shoulders at the bottom of the table, az there are anly nine games left to gan for aall the clubs now below us, apart from 'The Blue Wigs', who have ten games left and who we play away next Sunday!

For the thord home game in a row we came back from behind to win and surely this iz the tornin' point of the season az we move up to 'lucky' 13th? position, but with the same number of points az 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers in 10th position!

Bottom of the Premyaa leegue table

10*The Wacko Jacko Jivers*played 28*points 33
11*The P*ss Potts*played 29*points 33
12*The Jellied Eels Mob*28*points 33
13*THE TOON*played 29*points 33
14*The Canary Custards*played 29*points 33
15*SMBs*played 29*points 30
16*Sooothampton*played 29*points 28
17*The Hazbeens&Villians*played 29*points27
'THE ABYSS!
18*The Blue Wigs*played 28*points 24
19*The Biscuitmen*played 29*points 23
20*Rag&Bone Men Rangers*played 29*pts23 

THE TOON 2 THE PULIS P*SS POTTS 1

Posted '9:45pm bells' Sunday 10th March 2013

"Iz this Moscow in Disguise!?"


YOHAN CABAYE ( in the 'D') HITS HIZ FREE KICK EQUALISER
AZ THE SKY DARKENS WITH SNOW FLURRIES!<(So it's not wor fault that the picture iz blurred!)
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

A day of arctic temperatures and icy winds that 'cut through yoo like a knife', were the conditions of 'Level 7' of The Milburn Stand az the game kicked off in a snow flurry!

It waz honestly just az caad az it waz in Moscow on Thorsday neet and both sets of players didnt look 'up for it' in the forst half!----And withoot borin' yiz to death, it waz a pretty miserable and awful forty five minutes!

Pulis, the 'P*ss Potts' manager had brung a bunch of hackers and lang baall punters to try and serve 'dipstick' Crouch and co. and try and intimidate The Toon, but it didnt work!

By the half time break many of the fans had aalready taken shelter beneath the stand in the concourses to try and keep waam and av never seen so many Toon fans crammed like sardines into that area before, az we 'battled' to force wor way to the 'toolshed' for a 'gypsies'!


The Toon were the better team in the second half, but against the run of play the visitors took the lead at The Leazes End when a penalty waz needlesleee given away by Tiote and Walters stepped up to place the baall past Elliot in the Toon goal at the mid-point of the half!

It looked a 'lost cause' but just six minutes later a Cabaye free kick at The Gallowgate End went in off the underside of the bar (see above photo) to level the scores!

And then, just when it looked like we would have to settle for a point, and deep into injury time, super sub 'Marveaux the Magician's through baall foond Cisse (who we thought waz in a offside position) and he fired the baall into the net past the stranded Begovic!
At forst we thought that the ref waz gannih disallow the goal, but the linesman on The Milburn Stand side didnt flag and the goal stood!

It waz like a delayed reaction from us for a few seconds, and then, when, the realisation sank in that the goal would actually stand, we started to celebrated the winner, and the crucial THREE POINTS to take us clear of 'the abyss'!

It waz a cr*p game in freeezin' conditions---but who cares!---

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Santon (Haidara 73), Cabaye, Tiote (Marveaux 73), Gutierrez, Sissoko, Gouffran (Campbell 86) ,Cisse

Attendance: a 'mag'nificent 50,703 in the arctic conditions, but just 500 'P*ss Potts' in the visitors enclosure!    

THE TOON v THE PULIS P*SS POTTS ***TOODAY!

Posted '9:05am bells' Sunday 10th March 2013

    Action from wor 3-0 win against Stoke last season
    (spot the 'hedgehog'!)

Today we must torn wor attention away from wor European adventures (for a few days at least!) and get back to the 'nitty gritty' of the 'battle to avoid the abyss' when we take on 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke @ St James' this afternoon @ '3 bells'

Az I speak, light flakes of 'the white stuff' are startin' to faall from the sky across Tyneside and it sure to be nearly az caad az it waz in Moscow last Thorsday neet<(but NOT QUITE az caad!)

Cisse, Santon and 'Spiderman' are aall expected to play after bein' rested in Rushaa, while Ben Arfa who made hiz lang awaited comeback in Moscow iz doubtful again!

Yoo can be sure that the most borin' team in the Premyaa Leegue will pack their defence and come for a goal-less draw, but a win for us would see us climb level with them in the table.
Results yesterday were mixed and there iz still 'aall to play for' in the remainin' ten games.

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' later tooneet---and we can anly hope that it's a 'good one'!?---Watch this space!

THE ANZI MAKHACHKEMS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW NEET!

Updated '3:00am bells' Wednesday 6th March 2013

"BLEND IN!***DIVVINT FORGET YI RUSHAN HAT!"

It's not lang now until we set off into 'the unknown' when we fly to communist Rushaa for Tomorrow neets game against Anzi<(or iz it 'Anzhi'?) (Kick off '5 bells' GMT)<(Geordie Match Time!)('9:00 bells' in Rushaa)
Live on ITV4

UEFA have banned them from playin' their home European games in the Dagestan region of Rushaa, where they come from, becoz of civil unrest and have ordered them to play aall their games 1,000 miles away in Moscow!

A warnin' letter haz been sent with wor match tickets tellin' us to beware of pickpockets and muggers and to keep a low profile!

BUT!---we've AALREADY been 'mugged' twice with the exstorshanit<(Geordie Times spellin'!) cost of wor visas (£1,099 for five!) and wor match tickets, which are ower SIX TIMES more expensive than wot the Anzi fans have been charged! (£26, compared to £4 for them!)

Az far az we naa up to 75 diehards have managed to get tickets and visas so far, but just wot team they will see in The Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow (below) iz anybodys guess?, az we are still anly six points above 'the abyss' in the Premyaa Leegue and have a crucial home game against 'The P*ss Potts' of Stoke on Sunday afternoon!<(ie: will we risk a full strength team, OR send oot a 'resorve mixture'?)

A crowd of 12,000 iz expected in the 78,000 capacity 'plastic pitch' stadium, shared by the Rushan army club CSKA Moscow and Spartak Moscow, so we'll be ootnumbered by a canny few!

In a few minutes 'The Geordie Times' computaa gans into 'hibernation' for the umpteenth time this season and (he/she?) will wake up again sometime on Saturday, where a full match/drink/'secret police' report will be forthcomin' for yoo wor loyal reeeders from aroond the globe and beyond! "ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

'GEORDIE TIMES'*** "RED SQUARE EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Tuesday 5th March 2013

TOON FAN 'BLONDIE ALAN'^
 HAZ BEEN SPOTTED  TODAY 
IN MOSCOW'S 'RED SQUARE'!
 

'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' who went to Rushaa yesterday, haz just contacted 'The Geordie Times' to tell us that it's nice and sunny in Moscow's Red Square!
BUT on the doonside, that the temperature iz minus 10 plus<(if yi see worra meeen!?)
He aalso tells us that it didn't take lang to get thru customs<(quicker than 'Toon Airport' he reckons!)

Wor KGB undercover reporter<(Kremlin Geordie Branch!) haz sent us this 'excluuusive photo of him dancin' with 'The Moscow Morris Men' in Red Square after downin' several large vodkas!-- "HIC!"