(GROUND
NUMBER 158)
Date
of First Visit: 1st OCTOBER 1997
OLYMPIC/RESPUBLIKANSKY
STADION, KIEV
UKRAINE
DINAMO
KIEV 2
NEWCASTLE
UNITED 2 (John Beresford 2)
U.E.F.A.
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
ATTENDANCE
100,000 (400 Toon fans, plus ME in the Kiev End!)
"KENTUCKY
FRIED CHICKEN KIEV!"
 |
| "SPOT THE FLOODLIGHT BULBS!" |
The
club had organised a day trip tih the Ukrainian capital for the princely sum of
aroond aboot £320!.
‘The
Caped Crusader’ (as usual!) was panickin' because he does'nt like travellin' on
the day of the match in case somethin' gans wrang like delays by fog or bad
weather for example and AH was panickin' (as usual!) coz the flight took fower
hours.
(As
far as a'm concerned, that's fower hours for sommik tih gan wrang, like the
propellers faallin off or the engine blaa'in up!)
So
it was a nervous duo who entered Newcastle Airport that mornin'! tih check in
for wor 'said' 'day trip!'.
Needless
tih say!, the flight torned oot tih be uneventful and we arrived at Kiev
airport in one piece AND on time!.
The
anly problem was that it took another two f***** hours tih get through customs,
as the local 'secret police' double checked wor visas and passports.
The
one that checked mine (a little c*** in a big hat!) just gave iz one of those:
'YOU
LOOK LIKE AN AMERICAN SECRET AGENT TO ME', looks!, and aa half expected tih be
'carted off' tih the nearest Siberian salt mine for ten years hard labour!.
After
aboot two minutes and a word in the 'shell like' of a fellow 'comrade' he
finally gave iz the 'aall clear' and lerriz through, much tih my relief! as ah
did'nt care too much for a 'boiled grass 'n' sheeps eyes soup' diet!, in a concentration
camp tih see iz intih the new millennium!.
(Boiled
grass waz the staple diet of Siberian Concentration camps az there waz ne taste
to it!)
The
city of Kiev torned oot tih be just as bleak as the airport reception and as
yi'd expect it was f***** freezin' caad. A road sweeper with an improvised
brush made of twigs was sweepin’ the autumn leaves up into a heap and settin’ them on fire in
the middle of the road!
The
thing that struck me the most though, were the amoont of beggars on the streets
and one fat roond faced woman in particular near a subway station, waz dressed
in rags with a shawl aroond hor heed and she waz holdin’ a baaby under hor left
arm, with a beggin’ bowl in hor right
hand and sayin’ sommik in Russian, which, (usin’ my vast knowledge of
international languages!)---(Er!-fluent Geordie & broken English!) aa deciphered to be----“HAVE YI GOT ANY SPARE
BIT, HINNY!?”
Most
of the few cars were the standard 'Trabent rust buckets', the busses looked
like the ones yi’d normally see in a scrapyard and nearly aall the locals were waalkin' aboot in Cossack
style hats 'n' shabby sheepskin coats. (most of which looked aboot twenty years
aad!)
The
amazin' thing when wih went on the 'hoy' was that there were quite a few cafe
style bars with customers sittin' oot in the open with the temperature bearly
above freezin' point.
(Definitely
another place that yih could send yih mother 'n' law for hor summer holidays!)
As
wih waalked the streets wih came across the Ukranian equivelent of 'Kentucky
Fried Chicken' with the logo of the gadgie in specs and white beard on the
front! and what I assume was K.F.C. written in Russian? (sommik like! Ω ±∑ !)
There
were massive queues tih get in and it was hardly surprizin' as the rest of the
scran shops looked a bit 'dodgy' tih say the least. We were 'Hank Marvin' by
nuw, so wih (wisely!) decided tih get some 'Desperate Dan' there before headin'
for the stadium which was in the city centre.
In
a boozer near the 100,000 capacity stadium we bumped into ‘Bill Quay Kev’ who
waz sittin’ at a table with a very large vodka in front of him!
“IT’S
BEAUTIFUL ‘FINK’---BEAUTIFUL!”, he said to me, slurrin’ hiz words az he stared
at the FULL pint glass! (I kid yoo not!)
“THERE’S
NE OPTIC MEASURES HERE!”---“THEY JUST POUR IT FROM THE BOTTLE!”, he added az he
gulped some more doon hiz ‘Gregory Peck’!
Anotha
trip to the bar for Kev saw the barman pour him anotha vodka cocktail and
indeed he did pour aboot half a pint of the stuff into the glass before addin’
some coke and ice!
After
a few BEERS with Kev (there waz NE WAY aa waz gannih be ‘comotosed’ like him
before the game!) we said wor goodbyes az he sat at the table lookin’
absoluteleee ‘cattle trucked’ with the drink!
Then
a while later and half an hour before kick off, aa lost the rest of the lads in
the crowds outside and had to mek mee aan way to the huge stadium, which had fower
massive floodlights with aboot a hundred bulbs in each one! and aall the
tornstile entrance signs were in Russian!, which of course aa couldn’t
understand!
To
be honest aa was a bit p*st meesel and with time getting’ on aa panicked that
aa would miss the start and just went with the flo of the crowd to the nearest
entrance.
A
gadgie mumbled sommik in Russian and tore the ticket stub off and aa waz in the
ground.
There
were ne tool sheds az such and if yi wanted a ‘gypsies’ yi had ti gan behind
some trees on the concourse to get a slash!
Hundreds
were standin’ there in a row with their w*llies hangin’ oot, az ‘the secret
police dibbles’ looked on! (f**kin’ perverts!)
It
waz then onto the steep terraces where broken wooden benches aligned them az
far az the eye could see!---Aa looked to see if aa could get to the ‘Toon End’
of the stadium but aa waz on the highest level and the pocket of Toon fans were
below in a paddock on the opposite side of the pitch, which waz impossible to
get te from where aa waz!
Aa
thought aboot askin one of the ‘secret police dibbles’ who were smokin’ tabs in
the alleyways, if aa could get to the Toon section, but had second thoughts az
they MIGHT just hoy me oot instead and a’d miss the match!---so aa stayed put and
kept ‘dumb’ and plonked meesel doon on one of the broken benches with 99,600
screamin’ Ukrainians in every direction aroond iz! (help!)
Many
fans were drinkin’ beer in their seats which they’d bought from the kiosks in
the concourses---a strange sight which of course isn’t allowed back home!
Just
before the match kicked off an ugly woman with a wart on the end of hor nose
and wearin’ a heedscarf , came up to me and looked at the seat and said sommik
in Russian to me. Thinkin’ she waz tellin’ me that aa waz sittin’ in hor seat
aa said sommik in gibberish so az not to give the game away and just shrugged
mee shoulders, az she looked on in puzzlement!
She
than waalked off cursin’ sommik under hor breath and (thankfully!) went
somewhere else!---Phew!---it waz a close caall—but a’d gettin’ away with it!
The
game kick off and Kiev started off the brightest and took the lead after just
fower minutes when Shay Given waz beaten by Redrov to put the home side one up!
This
resulted in the entire crowd jumpin’ up and celebratin’ wildly!---apart from
me!---Who just stood there with arms folded, hopin’ that nebody would ‘suss me
oot’!?
At
aboot the midpoint of the half it waz 2-0 to Kiev when a mistake by Darren
Peackock let in Shevchenko who fired in from a tight angle. (More celebrations
from the locals and more arm foldin’ from me!)
We
picked up the pace a bit in the second half and then with just 12 minutes to
gan when a weak shot from John Beresford went through the legs of the Kiev
keeper to give us hope of a comeback!
Again
aa stood with arms folded, but under baited breath aa was sayin’---“gerrin
gerrin!”
And
then within seven minutes we were level when ‘savior’ Beresford struck a fine
shot which richoshaded off Kiev defender Golovko’s boot and ower the keepers
heed to send the small pocket of Toon Army travellers on the other side of the
pitch crazy!
Aa
tried not to react, but aa had a huge smile on mee face and then aa got a tap on the shoulder from
behind off a Kiev fan who said in broken English---“Yoo Newcastle?” Aa hesitated for a second but realised a’d
‘been rumbled’----“YES!” aa said sheepishly and unbelieviblee he handed me a
pint of beer to drink and shook mee hand!
At
last!---“WELCOME TO KIEV!”
But
hang on a minute!---wot if he waz a two faced b*****d and had hockled in the
beer?
The
broon stuff DID look a little too frothy after aall!?---So aa tipped the
contents doon a crack in the concrete terraces!--- Aa wasn’t takin’ ANY
chances! (hope there waz nebody sittin’ below!???)(ha!-ha!)
A
few minutes later the ref blew for full time and we’d got a valuable point to
show for it and aa made me way incognito to the nearest exit!
After
the match it waz back to a meetin’ point in the main square where we had time
for a few ‘liquid refreshments before climbin’ back onto the bus to take us
back to Kiev airport and another meetin’ with ‘the secret police dibbles’!
‘Bill
Quay Kev’ waz there (Bill Quay iz a village on the banks ‘o’ the Tyne near
Pelaw!) and he looked absolutlee knackered with the drink!---“I’M DEVESTATED,
FINK!”, he said to me—“AA DIDN’T GET IN ‘TIL HALF TIME AND THEN AA FELL ASLEEP
AND MISSED THE MATCH!”---he added az he held his heed in hiz hands! (the demon
drink had taken it’s toll!)---
AALL
THAT WAY!---TO MISS THE MATCH!!!!
It
waz then back on the plane afta anotha two hour or so wait (to let the Toon
players ‘jump the queue’ and board their flight
yem!) and fower and a half hours later wor ‘day trip to Kiev’ waz
complete!
A
memorable day aall roond! (apart from ‘Bill Quay Kev’ that iz!---AALL THAT WAY
FOR NOWT!)
Footnote:
On mee next visit to Kiev five years later aa actually went in the AWAY END for
a change and my claim to fame iz!---a’m the ANLY Toon fan to have been in the Dynamo
Kiev HOME AND AWAY END!
It
shud aalso be noted that there were NE beggars to be seen on the streets on wor
second visit!?---perhaps they were sent to the salt mines!?
©Fink™ (the
mad-sad groundhopper!)
