(Ground
number 291)
Date of
First Visit: 20th September 2012
ESTADIO
DOS BARREIROS, FUNCHAL, MADEIRA (Portugal)
MARITIMO 0
NEWCASTLE
UNITED 0
EUROPA
LEAGUE GROUP STAGE
Attendance:
4,000 (estimated) 150 Toon fans (includin’ some holiday makers!) (plus 50 watchin’
from the cliff face road!)
“WELCOME
TO THE HOUSE OF ‘FUN’CHAL!”
The
marathon jorney to Madeira off the north African coast started at ‘8:30am
bells’ on the Wednesday mornin' when aa said goodbye to wor lass for three days and heeded for the bus
stop to catch the bus to the Toon and then onward to Toon airport via the
Haymarket Metro station.
“A
transfare to the airport!” aa said to the bus driver. “We divvint gan to the
airport!” he replied!
“AA NAA
THAT!” said ‘I’---“AA’M GETTIN’ A METRO THERE FROM THE BUS STATION!---THAT’S
WHY AA WANT A TRANSFARE TICKET” (WOT A THICK TW*T!) (note: a ‘transfare’ iz wot
yoo ask for if yer usin’ the bus AND the Metro!)
A paid
mee £3.90 fare and off to the airport it waz (but NOT on the bus of course!)
A said
mee goodbyes to ‘thicko’ and caught the next Metro to the airport, where mee
forst ‘port o caall’ waz (of course!) the pub beside the check in desks!
‘The
Caped Crusader’ then torned up and we were soon on wor way to Brussels airport
on the forst leg of wor jorney. With five hours to spare in Brussels we had
plenty of time to sample the expensive Belgian beers on offer and at nearly 12
euros for two ‘Leffe Blonds’<(a message to wor lass---er!---that’s beer by
the way my dearest!) it soon put a dent in mee budget!
It waz
then onward to Lisbon to catch the last flight to Madeira where we arrived at
‘midneet plus thorty bells’the next mornin’ totally ‘cream crackered’ by this
time!
The pre
booked taxi to wor hotel waz waitin’ at Funchal airport and we eventually
arrived at wor hotel in Funchal (the capital of Madeira) at ‘1:40am
bells’----to find it locked up and ne sign of life!
After
brayin’ on the door and ringin’ the hotel intercom bell for ten minutes we
eventually got a reply from the manager who let us in and we finally got to
sleep half an hour later!-----“ZZZZzzzz!!!!”
Next day
(or shud that be a few hours later!?) we got up and after a quick shower and
scran it waz off to explore the delights of Madeira. (the boozers!)
With the
kick off at ‘six bells’ in the evenin’ and with the ground high in the
moontains of Madeira we started off in the harbour area @ aroond '10:30 bells', before startin’ the
steep climb towards a huge yellow tower crane which waz next to the ground.
 |
"A POSH BAR NEAR THE HARBOUR!"
("WUD WE DRINK ANYWHERE ELSE?") |
After
several ‘ports o caall’ we made for the ground which waz on a very steep incline
(aboot 1 in 4!) and eventually arrived at the ticket office with aboot an hour
to spare before the kick off to hand wor vouchers in in exchange for wor match
tickets, where we half expected that epic explorer Ranulf Fiennes to greet us and present
us with medals for completin’ the climb (the tw*t wasn’t there!)
However!---
there waz an NUFC official to greet us instead! and he telt us that we had selt
a grand total of 83! tickets for the game! But on enterin’ the buildin’ site ground (with
it’s yellow crane!) we cud see that there were quite a few holiday makers who
were there az well! (this boosted the attendance to aroond 150 in wor section!)
(apparentleee---aall yi had ti de waz show a British passport and yoo got a
ticket?) (so why oh why did we have to fill application forms in at the NUFC
ticket office to get vouchers in exchange for the tickets???)
 |
| "SPOT THE YELLOW CRANE!" |
Three
sides of ‘The Estadio Dos Barrios’<(‘The Doss Hoose Stadium’!)< (Geordie
translation!) were under construction and the anly section open waz on the main
stand side and there looked to be aroond aboot 4,000 inside az the game kicked
off, with quite a few watchin’ from a cliff face road high above the ground to
wor reet hand side (another 50 or so, we reckon!)
A mainly
resorve team, apart from the back fower who had played at Goodison Park the
previous Monday, ran oot to applause from the travellin’ faithful---and holiday
makers!
It waz a
terrible game really, although we DID hit the woodwork three times durin’ the
match! (Shola twice and Dan Gosling!)
The home
side aalso hit the woodwork once, but it waz anotha shambolic European away
performance to forget! (well worth the hundreds of poonds it had cost us to get
there!---NOT!)
After
the match we heeded back doon the moontainside to the various boozers we had
drank in on the way up (much easier doonhill!)
“YI
COULDN’T MAKE THIS! UP!”
We
stayed up aall neet and of course we were completeleee 'blotto' (az yi'd expect!) by the time we heeded back to the airport at ‘4 am bells’ to catch the
forst of three fights back to The Toon.
(17 and a half hours of continueous drinkin' takes it toll!) (Er!---that's apart from 90 minutes at the match!---like!)
The
forst one back to Lisbon took two and a half hours and then we had to wait a
fortha FIVE hours for wor next flight to Brussels again! (it waz anly FIVE
euros a pint here, as opposed to SIX in Brussels)
For some
unknown reason on the next flight to Brussels we were put into ‘Business Class’
seats where yoo are wined and dined!
Az we’d
had ne sleep we ‘crashed oot’ straight away and aa cannit even remember takin’
off!
Halfway
through the flight, aa woke up to see a hot meal on the middle seat tray table
(no one waz sittin’ in that seat) and aa peeled the top of the meal carton back
to reveal that it waz some kind of meat curry!
Az ‘The
Caped Crusader’ iz a non meat eater and waz still asleep, aa naturally thought
that the steward had left it there for little
old ME!, SO! (az yi de!) aa started
eatin’ it!
Aa waz
just aboot to gobble up the last forkful when the steward approached me and
said: “THAT WASN’T YOUR MEAL, SIR!---IT WAS A VEGETARIAN MEAL FOR YOUR FRIEND
IN THE WINDOW SEAT!”
"SH*T!"---aa
thought, and just then ‘The Caped Crusader’ awoke from hiz slumbers and aa had
to tell him that a’d scoffed hiz scran!
“A’M F*****’
STARVIN’!”, he said, az he looked at me daggerfaced!-------A sheepish grin came
across MY face, followed by a grovellin’ apology!(Er!---well!--sort of!)
But there WAZ a happy endin’ to this story, az
a ‘fish dinner’ waz foond for him instead az he can eat fish! (he said he wouldn’t have eaten the
veggie curry anyway, az he didn’t like curry!)
PLUS!---
aa got another meal of ‘proper meat curry’ az well! ---“HA!--- HA!”
On the
final flight from Brussels to Toon airport he fell asleep again!
A
stewardess this time asked who waz ‘the veggie’ and aa pointed to ‘The Caped
Crusader’ who again waz sittin’ in a window seat.
Aa carefully
folded hiz tray table doon and placed hiz meal in front of him!
20
minutes before we were due to land he awoke and before aa had time to say owt,
he folded hiz tray table up and his veggie meal fell onto the floor and
disappeared underneath the seat in front!----NEVER! To be seen again!
(HONEST!---THIS F*****’ TRUE!)
After
catchin’ the Metro and bus from the airport aa finally arrived yem at preciseleee
‘9:35pm bells’ totally ‘cream crackered’ once again some 17 hours and 35
minutes after leavin’ Madeira!
Aall in
the life of an ‘NUFC mad-sad groundhopper’!
©Fink™ (the mad-sad grJundhJpper!)
