WE'RE OOT OF LOCKDOON BUT IT'S STILL A LOCKOOT!

 Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 4th December 2020

EMPTY SEATS JUST BEFORE THE START OF CHELSKI GAME AT ST. JAMES' PARK!

It's great isn't it?  We come oot of a month's lockdoon with nee futbaall to gan tee--and nee pubs open--TO!---nee futbaall to gan tee---and nee pubs open!

Tier 3 in the north east meenz that all pubs must stay shut and nee spectators are allowed in St James' Park, Dunston, Gatesheed, etc etc etc! 

The non Leegue clubs in The Northern Premier Leegue and The Northern Leegue have aall voted to abandon the season forthwith az there iz nee point carryin' on, az fans are the lifeblood of these leegues and without them, nee money is comin in, so they will gan bust if they play in front of empty groonds! (and clubhooses!) (steps 3 to 6 in the pyramid)

(HOWEVER!---we have just foond oot that The Northern Alliance, have been given permission for games to resume and for fans to be admitted!-(step 7 in the pyramid)---a little bit of good news! (Be warned though---quite a few games are likely to be postponed becoz of the inclement wethaa forecast for tomorrow!)

Eldon Square is rammed az we speak, as iz The Metro Centre with nee social distancing at aall--yet 2,000 fans arn't allowed into SJP half a mile from Eldon Square and 200 arn't allowed at Dunston, half a mile from The Metro Centre!

SOCIAL DISTANCING AT A JD SPORTS SHOP!

Pure madness if you ask us and totally unfair!

Even if we get into tier 2 in a fortneets time, anly pubs that serve substantial meals can open, while those who just serve beer can't!

And as for gettin one of the precious 2,000 tickets for an NUFC game---whey!, corporates will be first in the queue anyway! 

Just look wot Chelski have done for their loyal fans!---

And PLEEEZE!---divvint tell 'The Fat Controller'!

"Its gannin to be a lang hard winter for sure!"

"THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!"

 Posted '3:10pm bells' Thorsday 3rd December 2020 at Woolley Edge truck park M1 south 

NUFC OWNERS OFFICE!

News that more NUFC players have tested positive for the 'bat out of hell' virus reaches us!

There are now more than 10 infected and some played at Palliss last Friday---meanin that az well az wor game at Villa bein cancelled, Cristil Palliss'z game away to West Brom on Sunday iz aalso in doubt az Palliss players could be infected az well!

*The Fat Controller's scrooge mentality, not to pay for the twice weekly tests for players and staff, could have catastrophic implications!

BAT OUT OF HELL LATEST!*** ViLLA GAME OFF!!!

 Posted '3:13pm bells Tuesday 1st December 2020

Updated '5:55pm bells'

News reaches The Geordie Times that up to TEN Toon players and staff could have been struck doon with the 'Bat out of hell' virus!

Because of this, wor game v The Hazbeenz and Villians on Friday neet haz been caalled off and a new date will have to be foond!

We will keep yoo posted on any forthaa news!

We do of course wish aall the players and staff affected a very speedy recovery!

Az per usual, "Watch this space!"

Ps: Wor home game v The Baggie Troosers of West Brom a week on Saturday iz in doubt az well!

THE FA CUP 3rd ROOND DRAW HAZ PAIRED US WITH THE ARSE AWAY!---"WE GOT OOT OF JAIL!"

 Posted '7:19pm bells' Munday 30th November 2020

CATWEASEL WATCHES THE DRAW LIVE ON HIZ 'TELLING BONE'!

"OH NO!---NOT MARINE!---PLEEEZE!"

The FA Cup draw, haz not been kind to us az we were drawn against current FA Cup holders, The Arse at The Emirates Stadium, but at least we have avoided Marine or Canvey Island or Boreham Wood or Chorley! (Amazingly we have seen an NUFC team at both Boreham Wood and Chorley!)

When that 'man or a woman', we luv to hate, Robbie Savage drew Marine at home, I half expected him to draw NUFC az the away team!

Marine got Sporz instead---thank God!

It aalso meenz that mee own personal home record for competitive games iz intact!(for the time bein' at least!)

The last team to play at SJP who a'v never seen woz Bedford Town in the FA Cup way back in 1963! (We lost 2-1!!!)

 A'v seen every team we have played since then (although NOT every competitive game (obviously!)

"PRAIZE THE LORD!"🙏

PS: A'm now gannin to count up the teams I have seen at home from that date! ---Aa havvint got a clue how many that iz?  (It might take a bit of time--like!) 

FA CUP THORD ROOND DRAW TOONEET! *** NUFC FIXTURES FOR DECEMBER UPDATED

 Posted '2:09pm bells' Munday 30th November 2020

110 YEARS AGO NUFC WON THE FA CUP FOR THE FORST TIME! 

The FA Cup draw takes place at '7:00 bells' tooneet on BBC1---or shud I say it will take place after several minutes of taakin to former winners and the minnow teams who are left in! ---So thats aboot '7:10 to '7:15 bells' before whoever's doing it, starts to pick the baalls oot of the bowl!

NUFC are number 27 and there are a 'minefield' of teams to miss, who we wont mention, az this might put a curse on it!

WE WILL OF COURSE TELL YOO JUST WHO WE ARE PLAYIN'---AND WHERE, AZ SOON AZ WE FIND OOT!

Wor fixtures for December have aall been conformed---and they are:

(Aall games are on the telly/laptop/mobile tellin bone!)

Friday 4th The Hazbeenz and Villains away '8:00 bells' Sky

Saturday 12th The Baggie Troosers of WestBrom home

 '3:00 bells' Sky

Wedinzday 16th Leeedz away '6:00 bells' Prime

Saturday 19th Fulim home '8:00 bells' Sky

Tuesday 22nd Brentfaad away (LC QF) '5:30 bells' Sky

Saturday 26th The Blue Moonies away '8:00 bells' BT

Wedinzday 30th The Liverbirds home '8:00 bells' Prime 

*In othaa news: It haz been reported that several NUFC players and staff have caught the dreaded 'bat out of hell' virus---we will keep yoo, wor loyal subjects, informed of any future developments!

PS>There iz nee mention on NUFCs official site aboot the outbreak?

Az per usual, "Watch this space, for news of this and the FA Cup draw!"

CRISTIL PALLISS 0 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted from '6:00pm bells' onwards Friday 27th November 2020

VIEW FROM THE AWAY END AT SELHURST PARK WHEN 

WE COULD ACTUALLY GAN TO GAMES!

'7:05 bells' Toon team

We hear that Hayden haz got covid!

Periodic updates from kick off time onwards!

LITTLE TED AND BIG TED WATCH ON AZ THE GAME KICKS OFF!

JOELINTON SKIES A SHOT ORLY ON!😱

(Toon in aall yellow)

19th minute

Joelinton has a weak shot on target!

IT'S HALFWAY THROUGH THE 1ST HALF    

TIME FOR SOME LIQUID REFRESHMENT!

40th minute

Lewis weak shot on target!

42nd minute

Joelinton shot on target from misstayk by a Palliss defender!

Should have scored!

HT 0-0

TOON HAD 3 SHOTS ON TARGET!

Possession 57% to 43% Palliss

1st half summery:"ZZZzzz!!!"

Little ted takes up a great vantage point for the start of the 2nd half!

The hour mark

Nee forthaa shot on target from NUFC

66th minute

Wilson heeder went wide

Hiz first effort on goal!

70th minute

Joelinton heeder well Wide

Broken Nose Bruce iz furious!

78minute

Ritchie shot from free kick

1st shot on target in 2nd half!

GOAL!

86th minute

Callum Wilson from through baall 

from  Joelinton 

1-0 to NUFC!

WILSON GOAL!

GOAL!

89th minute

Joelinton shot which took a deflection of a Palliss defender!

2-0 to NUFC!

JOELINTON GOAL! (Number 9)

92nd minute

Shelvey shot on goal from free kick

93rd minute

Ref blows for full time!

A very unexpected win!

I will gladly eat humble pie tomorrow!

STATS

Up to 10th---Above Man City, Moan U and The Arse! (for now!)

Possession 43%

Shots on target 7 (the most this season!)

Geordie Times comment:

Don't lets get carried away!  Palliss were p*ss poor!

And we didnt spring to life til the last 5 minutes with the 2 goals!

The win iz a very welcome suprize and takes us 10 points clear of the drop zone! 

Indeed, we are anly 4 points off a Champions Leegue place! 

(for a few hours at least!)

Official laptophoppers attendance: 3!

Little ted, big ted and me!

The UP-DOON rollercoaster ride continues unabated!

 

WHO SAYS BRUCE IZ COPYIN' TRUMP WITH FAKE NEWS?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 27th November 2020

"I CAN'T CHANGE US OVERNIGHT!"

*Wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' has been in the headlines for aall the wrang reasons, telling reporters that he can't understand fans unrest, despite bein' confronted by damnin news that we are the most boring team in the top flight, with the least shots on goal in the Premyaa Leegue  (less than 2.5 shots per game on average!)

Bruce's reaction to this woz: "Stats can do anything you wish!" And: "I never said Newcastle were entertaining!" (Yoo can say that again, Steve!)

The newspaper cutting from 'The Daylee Mirror' (below) sez Bruce iz in denial (like Trump!) when he states that "There will always be grumbles!" (From fans) and dismisses aall criticism of him (er! Just like Trump!)

But his best quote iz: "I can't change us overnight!"

By wor reckonin' Bruce has been in charge for 540 nights!

How many 'nights' does he want to change us???🌙

*Tooneet at '8:00 bells' we play Crisil Palliss at Selhurst Park and 'The Geordie Times' will be watchin' from afar on mee laptop, hopin that the picture doesnt freeze az haz happened previously, and hopin' that it DOES freeze if we put in anothaa unwatchable performance!

Top scorer Callum Wilson iz said to be fit again and raring to go, so let's hope he gets the service up front to give him a chance of scorin'?

Aalso, some more good news iz that  Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Richie are fit, so let's hope these dark nights don't produce a dark outcome!?🙏  

The bad news iz that wor best player Saint-Maximin haz picked up a knock and will miss oot!😨(Rumour haz it that Bruce woz gannin to drop him anyway!----Wot!---wor best player!?)

Wor percentages prediction therefore iz not so good and another 'park the bus' tactic by old 'Broken Nose' is more than likely!

"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!😴

We will be generous and say that we 'fink' that possession will be 75% to Palliss and 25% to NUFC and that we will have 3 shots on target from open play! (I'm an optimist!)

We reeely de need to pick worsels up after the 2 previous horror story shows v Sooothampton and Chelski!

Cristil Palliss arn't playin so well eethaa, so we've got a chance!🙏

Az previously mentioned we are are on a downward spiral and are doon to 15th in the table, which is wor lowest position of this dreadful season (so far!)

A full Geordie Times 'Laptophoppers' report will appear here sometime later--dependin on wor performance---like!

 

IT WILL AALL END IN TIERS!

 Posted '3:00pm bells ' Thorsday 26th November 2020

Empty stadiums and empty beer barrels for the foreseeable future!

So Boris and hiz pals have put us into Tier 3, while London and Liverpoool are in Tier 2, meaning that the Cockney clubs and Scousers can let 2,000 fans in but the rest of us can't?  Nee boozers open eethaa, for us!!! 

Not a level playin field I hear yoo cry, but the whole Tier system stinks!

In England at least we shud aall be in the same situation, but Boris 'finks' otherwise!

More on aall this later!

Az per usual watch this space!

FANS ALLOWED BACK, BUT WHICH ONES?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 24th November 2020

TELLY VIEW OF EMPTY SEATS AT SJP---BUT WHO WILL GET TO SIT IN THEM?

Boris haz annoonced that teams in Tier 1 of the new lockdoon system will be able to allow 4,000 fans into their stadiums!

Those in Tier 2, 2,000

And those in Tier 3, NEEBODY!

NUFC are likely to be in eethaa Tier 2 or 3

And so the question on everybodys lips (or at least mine, anyway!) iz just who do we let in for punishment!, if we are in Tier 2?

Private box holders will get top priority which meenz at least 1,000 tickets will gan to them

That leaves 1,000 tickets for 30,000 othaa season ticket holders!!!

It will be very interestin indeed to see wot actually happens if we are in Tier 2!

Aalso, iz it fair that some clubs in the north will have to play in front of empty stadiums, while those in the lower Tiers in the south can let fans in, givin them an unfair advantage!

It will nee doubt unravel in the next few days!

Watch this space for forthaa news when Boris decides which Tier we are in on Thorsday!

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL CONTINUES! *** FROM 2nd PLACE IN SEPTEMBER TO 15th PLACE IN NOVEMBER!

 Updated 'high noon bells' Munday 23rd November 2020

 "WATCH OOT NEAR THE BOTTOM!"

After yet another International break we reflect on the 0-2 horror show at SJP v Chelski on Saturday!

After the weekends results we now find worsels in 15th position in the table!(from 13th)  Wor lowest position of the season (so far!)

It's a rollercoaster season for sure! Win, lose, win, lose, lucky draw, lucky draw, win, lose, lose!---?

The pundits have defended 'Broken Nose Bruce', sayin that do we (the fans) really 'fink' that we know better than him? and that we expect to be in The Champions Leegue!

Oh no!--We know that iz just a pipe dream under the present ownership, but the dire futbaall on show from NUFC iz truly shocking!

Two heeders on goal at Soothampton and nee shots in wor last away game--and even worse, NEE efforts on goal at aall in wor shock 3-0 home defeat to Brightin the other month, and just ONE shot on target in stoppage time v Chelski on Saturday!

If yoo were a neutral fan, yoo would simply turn off your telly when The Toon are on!

Old Broken Nose now has 5 days to try and sort oot this "Work in progress" mess, (Palace away on Friday neet) or else 15th place will soon become 16th and then 17th etc!

25% possession to 'us' and 75% possession to 'them' is wor prediction, az we sit back and hope for a break by hoofing the baall upfield in the blind hope that it will faall to one of wor strikers!       (2 shots/heeders on target iz wor prediction!)

Wor possession and strike rates for the season so far, make sorry readin and we are currently in 20th position with these stats added!

West Ham away 2 shots 2 goals   up to 2nd position in table       Won 2-0

Brightin home NEE shots nee goals  doon to 11th position         Lost 0-3

Sporz away 1 shot 1 goal (lucky penalty) up to 9th position

Drew 1-1

Bornley at home 5 shots 3 goals  up to 6th position                    Won 3-1

Moan U at home 4 shots 1 goal  doon to 11th position                Lost 1-4

Wolves away 2 shots 1 goal  doon to 14th position                    Drew 1-1

Evaatin home 4 shots 2 goals  up to 11th position                       Won 2-1

Sooothampton away 2 shots (heeders) nee goals  11th position   Lost 0-2

Chelski home 1 shot nee goals  doon to 15th position                 Lost 0-2

Total 10 goals and 21 shots (includin' the goals (3 penalties) in 9 games = 2.33 shots per game or 1.16 shots per half!!!

"Oh for a takeower by a very rich Saudi prince!!!!"