CRISTIL PALLISS 0 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted from '6:00pm bells' onwards Friday 27th November 2020

VIEW FROM THE AWAY END AT SELHURST PARK WHEN 

WE COULD ACTUALLY GAN TO GAMES!

'7:05 bells' Toon team

We hear that Hayden haz got covid!

Periodic updates from kick off time onwards!

LITTLE TED AND BIG TED WATCH ON AZ THE GAME KICKS OFF!

JOELINTON SKIES A SHOT ORLY ON!😱

(Toon in aall yellow)

19th minute

Joelinton has a weak shot on target!

IT'S HALFWAY THROUGH THE 1ST HALF    

TIME FOR SOME LIQUID REFRESHMENT!

40th minute

Lewis weak shot on target!

42nd minute

Joelinton shot on target from misstayk by a Palliss defender!

Should have scored!

HT 0-0

TOON HAD 3 SHOTS ON TARGET!

Possession 57% to 43% Palliss

1st half summery:"ZZZzzz!!!"

Little ted takes up a great vantage point for the start of the 2nd half!

The hour mark

Nee forthaa shot on target from NUFC

66th minute

Wilson heeder went wide

Hiz first effort on goal!

70th minute

Joelinton heeder well Wide

Broken Nose Bruce iz furious!

78minute

Ritchie shot from free kick

1st shot on target in 2nd half!

GOAL!

86th minute

Callum Wilson from through baall 

from  Joelinton 

1-0 to NUFC!

WILSON GOAL!

GOAL!

89th minute

Joelinton shot which took a deflection of a Palliss defender!

2-0 to NUFC!

JOELINTON GOAL! (Number 9)

92nd minute

Shelvey shot on goal from free kick

93rd minute

Ref blows for full time!

A very unexpected win!

I will gladly eat humble pie tomorrow!

STATS

Up to 10th---Above Man City, Moan U and The Arse! (for now!)

Possession 43%

Shots on target 7 (the most this season!)

Geordie Times comment:

Don't lets get carried away!  Palliss were p*ss poor!

And we didnt spring to life til the last 5 minutes with the 2 goals!

The win iz a very welcome suprize and takes us 10 points clear of the drop zone! 

Indeed, we are anly 4 points off a Champions Leegue place! 

(for a few hours at least!)

Official laptophoppers attendance: 3!

Little ted, big ted and me!

The UP-DOON rollercoaster ride continues unabated!

 

WHO SAYS BRUCE IZ COPYIN' TRUMP WITH FAKE NEWS?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 27th November 2020

"I CAN'T CHANGE US OVERNIGHT!"

*Wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' has been in the headlines for aall the wrang reasons, telling reporters that he can't understand fans unrest, despite bein' confronted by damnin news that we are the most boring team in the top flight, with the least shots on goal in the Premyaa Leegue  (less than 2.5 shots per game on average!)

Bruce's reaction to this woz: "Stats can do anything you wish!" And: "I never said Newcastle were entertaining!" (Yoo can say that again, Steve!)

The newspaper cutting from 'The Daylee Mirror' (below) sez Bruce iz in denial (like Trump!) when he states that "There will always be grumbles!" (From fans) and dismisses aall criticism of him (er! Just like Trump!)

But his best quote iz: "I can't change us overnight!"

By wor reckonin' Bruce has been in charge for 540 nights!

How many 'nights' does he want to change us???🌙

*Tooneet at '8:00 bells' we play Crisil Palliss at Selhurst Park and 'The Geordie Times' will be watchin' from afar on mee laptop, hopin that the picture doesnt freeze az haz happened previously, and hopin' that it DOES freeze if we put in anothaa unwatchable performance!

Top scorer Callum Wilson iz said to be fit again and raring to go, so let's hope he gets the service up front to give him a chance of scorin'?

Aalso, some more good news iz that  Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Richie are fit, so let's hope these dark nights don't produce a dark outcome!?🙏  

The bad news iz that wor best player Saint-Maximin haz picked up a knock and will miss oot!😨(Rumour haz it that Bruce woz gannin to drop him anyway!----Wot!---wor best player!?)

Wor percentages prediction therefore iz not so good and another 'park the bus' tactic by old 'Broken Nose' is more than likely!

"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!😴

We will be generous and say that we 'fink' that possession will be 75% to Palliss and 25% to NUFC and that we will have 3 shots on target from open play! (I'm an optimist!)

We reeely de need to pick worsels up after the 2 previous horror story shows v Sooothampton and Chelski!

Cristil Palliss arn't playin so well eethaa, so we've got a chance!🙏

Az previously mentioned we are are on a downward spiral and are doon to 15th in the table, which is wor lowest position of this dreadful season (so far!)

A full Geordie Times 'Laptophoppers' report will appear here sometime later--dependin on wor performance---like!

 

IT WILL AALL END IN TIERS!

 Posted '3:00pm bells ' Thorsday 26th November 2020

Empty stadiums and empty beer barrels for the foreseeable future!

So Boris and hiz pals have put us into Tier 3, while London and Liverpoool are in Tier 2, meaning that the Cockney clubs and Scousers can let 2,000 fans in but the rest of us can't?  Nee boozers open eethaa, for us!!! 

Not a level playin field I hear yoo cry, but the whole Tier system stinks!

In England at least we shud aall be in the same situation, but Boris 'finks' otherwise!

More on aall this later!

Az per usual watch this space!

FANS ALLOWED BACK, BUT WHICH ONES?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 24th November 2020

TELLY VIEW OF EMPTY SEATS AT SJP---BUT WHO WILL GET TO SIT IN THEM?

Boris haz annoonced that teams in Tier 1 of the new lockdoon system will be able to allow 4,000 fans into their stadiums!

Those in Tier 2, 2,000

And those in Tier 3, NEEBODY!

NUFC are likely to be in eethaa Tier 2 or 3

And so the question on everybodys lips (or at least mine, anyway!) iz just who do we let in for punishment!, if we are in Tier 2?

Private box holders will get top priority which meenz at least 1,000 tickets will gan to them

That leaves 1,000 tickets for 30,000 othaa season ticket holders!!!

It will be very interestin indeed to see wot actually happens if we are in Tier 2!

Aalso, iz it fair that some clubs in the north will have to play in front of empty stadiums, while those in the lower Tiers in the south can let fans in, givin them an unfair advantage!

It will nee doubt unravel in the next few days!

Watch this space for forthaa news when Boris decides which Tier we are in on Thorsday!

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL CONTINUES! *** FROM 2nd PLACE IN SEPTEMBER TO 15th PLACE IN NOVEMBER!

 Updated 'high noon bells' Munday 23rd November 2020

 "WATCH OOT NEAR THE BOTTOM!"

After yet another International break we reflect on the 0-2 horror show at SJP v Chelski on Saturday!

After the weekends results we now find worsels in 15th position in the table!(from 13th)  Wor lowest position of the season (so far!)

It's a rollercoaster season for sure! Win, lose, win, lose, lucky draw, lucky draw, win, lose, lose!---?

The pundits have defended 'Broken Nose Bruce', sayin that do we (the fans) really 'fink' that we know better than him? and that we expect to be in The Champions Leegue!

Oh no!--We know that iz just a pipe dream under the present ownership, but the dire futbaall on show from NUFC iz truly shocking!

Two heeders on goal at Soothampton and nee shots in wor last away game--and even worse, NEE efforts on goal at aall in wor shock 3-0 home defeat to Brightin the other month, and just ONE shot on target in stoppage time v Chelski on Saturday!

If yoo were a neutral fan, yoo would simply turn off your telly when The Toon are on!

Old Broken Nose now has 5 days to try and sort oot this "Work in progress" mess, (Palace away on Friday neet) or else 15th place will soon become 16th and then 17th etc!

25% possession to 'us' and 75% possession to 'them' is wor prediction, az we sit back and hope for a break by hoofing the baall upfield in the blind hope that it will faall to one of wor strikers!       (2 shots/heeders on target iz wor prediction!)

Wor possession and strike rates for the season so far, make sorry readin and we are currently in 20th position with these stats added!

West Ham away 2 shots 2 goals   up to 2nd position in table       Won 2-0

Brightin home NEE shots nee goals  doon to 11th position         Lost 0-3

Sporz away 1 shot 1 goal (lucky penalty) up to 9th position

Drew 1-1

Bornley at home 5 shots 3 goals  up to 6th position                    Won 3-1

Moan U at home 4 shots 1 goal  doon to 11th position                Lost 1-4

Wolves away 2 shots 1 goal  doon to 14th position                    Drew 1-1

Evaatin home 4 shots 2 goals  up to 11th position                       Won 2-1

Sooothampton away 2 shots (heeders) nee goals  11th position   Lost 0-2

Chelski home 1 shot nee goals  doon to 15th position                 Lost 0-2

Total 10 goals and 21 shots (includin' the goals (3 penalties) in 9 games = 2.33 shots per game or 1.16 shots per half!!!

"Oh for a takeower by a very rich Saudi prince!!!!"

THE TOON 0 CHELSKI 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 22nd November 2020

A COW ON THE TOWN MOOR ("ER! SORRY!") 'BULL'

 WITH ST. JAMES' PARK IN THE DISTANCE!

FOR AN EXPLANATION OF THIS PHOTO, SCROLL DOON TO THE END OF THIS ARTICLE!

"AA TOLD YOO SO, BUT AA WISH AA WOZ WRANG!"

Mee mate 'Tex' Taylor invited me to hiz hoose in Howden to watch the game, az aa didnt fancy watchin it on a dodgy channel on mee laptop in wor hoose! (Aa divvint have any of the pay per view channels) (Howden iz between Waallsend and Tynemooth on the Metro line) A visit to hiz local conveeeniance store to buy some broon ale woz the forst thing aa did when aa got to Howden and then it woz off to hiz hoose to settle doon and watch the game! 

And a totally predictable non performance from those in black n white striped shirts woz the outcome of yet anothaa "faall asleep game!"

We actually started off well in the first 5 minutes as we attacked the Leazes goal, but after this Chelski totally dominated the game for the next 85 minutes!

After missed chances and excellent saves from Karl Darlow at the othaa end, the predictable happened in the 9th minute when Fernandez inadvertently put the baall into his own net to give wor visitors from London a deserved lead!

A few minutes later the telly flashed that Chelski had had 92% possession at that point!!!

After several more near misses NUFC finally broke away through Joelinton and from near the halfway line he attempted a shot which went well wide and into the empty seats of the lower section of The Leazes End! (Wor 'highlight' of the forst half!) "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴

It just aboot summed us up and aa nearly hoyed an empty bottle of broon at Tex'z telly in frustration!

Somehow it woz still just 0-1 at the break and the graphics told us that the possession rate woz 20% to 'us' and 80% to Chelski with NEE direct shots on goal from NUFC!

The 2nd half wasnt much better and we still haddint had a shot or heeder on target when Chelski killed the game off in the 65th minute when Abraham fired home, with a shot that went in off the far post at The Leazes End!

Sean Longstaff hit the bar 7 mins later with a glancin shot that went ower  the bar, which woz the closest we came to scorin' aall game!

(Wor 'highlight' of the game!)

Broken Nose Bruce then took the anly player that woz likely to score OFF in the 74th minute (Saint-Maximin) to be replaced by Andy Carroll! (Who hazzint scored since he came back, well ower a year ago!)

And then the moment of the game in the 84th minute!

NUFC are 2-0 doon, we get a throw in near the 18 yard line of the Chelski half at The Gallowgate End---and after 4 passes it ends up in with goalie Karl Darlow at the Leazes End!  (Yi couldnt make it up!)

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOWER!

Near the end and into stoppage time, Carroll had a shot which woz deflected away by a Chelski defender---wor one and anly (alledged!) shot on target of the game!!! (A shot which woz deflected by a defender!)("WOW!")"ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴

Aa honestly cannit remember the Chelski goalie havin to make one solitary save in the entire game? (Pleeeze correct me if a'm wrang?)

PS: Since been told that Almiron did have a deflected shot saved by Mendy in the visitors goal, at some point in the 2nd half? (Must have been to the 'tool-shed' for a 'gypsies kiss' when that happened!?)

The final whistle went and in the post match interviews Bruce said that: "There were pleasing points in the second half!" (Were there Steve?---Yoo mustiv been watchin a different game to us, like!) 

 Official attendance in Tex'z hoose: 2  (we are in the same 'bubble') (alledgedleee!)

Mee pre match prediction that NUFC would have 30% of the possession to Chelski's 70% woz nearly reet! (29% to 71%) and aa said that we would have 3 shots on target, when we had just one solitary deflected effort!

WE are SO predictable---for aall the wrang reasons!

A BRILLIANT PIECE BY CRAIG HOPE OF THE MAIL ON SUNDAY!

THE TOON v CHELSKI *** DINNAATIME TODAY!

 Posted '11:00am bells' Saturday 21st November 2020

Updated throughout match

What will it be today?  ONE for sorrow OR TWO for joy?

I divvint want to be the eternal pessimist, BUT how many shots do yoo 'fink' NUFC will have on target from open play today???

ONE? TWO?? THREE??? FOWER????  Well if the past displays this season are anythin to gan by, then THREE shots on target at the most (not includin heeders) iz my prediction for this afternooon! (KO '12:30 bells' on BT)

On average we are havin two and a half efforts on target per game---and this includes heeders, direct free kicks, penalties and goals scored!

It reeely iz dire stuff to watch, and if we get anything from Chelski at SJP, then it will be a bonus for sure!  A bit of good news iz that top goalscorer Callum Wilson haz declared himself fit and haz trained yesterday! Ryan Frazer, however iz still crocked and wont take part!

More good news iz that Chelski will be withoot several key players, but just how will Bruce will take advantage of that? 

Defend, defend, defend and hope for a breakaway attack by hoofin the baall upfield? (az per usual)---and mee prediction for possession iz 30% to 'us' and 70% for wor visitors! (We shall soon find oot!)

Former players like Chris Sutton and Mark Lawrenson say we should be grateful that we have got 'Broken Nose Bruce' az manager and lorn to live with it!  ---And Villa player Gabby Agbonlahor haz caalled Toon fans 'deluded!' (But they divvint have to watch us every game---do they?)

WE expect The Champions Leegue says Lawrenson, when in fact we just want a team where we divvint faall asleep before the end of games and end up back in the-----Championship! 😨

Aa reeely DO want the team to do well, of course aa do---and aa sincerly hope that a'v got 'egg on mee face', come '2:30 bells' this afternooon!

But will I? (hopefully so!)

A full Geordie Times 'mad-sad tellyhoppers' match report will appear here sometime on Sunday---Az per usual---watch this space!

"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"😴

Stop press! Wilson oot!---Joelinton in!🥶

HT 0-1  nee shots on target

Possession 20% to 80%

FT 0-2    1 shot on target (Carroll stoppage time)

Possession 29% to 71%

The Geordie Times predicted 30% to 70%

So sorry we were SO wrang!

We said we would have 3 shots on target when we had just 1 !

Full match report tomorrow! "ZZZzzzz!!!"😴

"NO ONE LIKES THEM!" (APART FROM THE SO CAALLED 'BIG SIX') "THEY DON'T CARE!"

 Posted '8:00pm bells' Friday 20th November 2020

^        From left to right      ^

A 'big six' shoe-----Richard Masters!

"Lick, lick, grovel, grovel!"

A damning letter from the DCMS Committee to The Premyaa Leegue aboot the deathly silence and non co-operation to bail oot lower leegue clubs, reaches us!

The incompetence of cheef exec Richard (Disaster) Masters and hiz sidekick Gary Hoffman iz staggerin', with the usual "de nowt, say nowt" message, in the hope that everybody will gan away and forget aboot it!

(Like the NUFC takeower which HAZZINT been forgotten!)

No one likes them apart from Liverpool, The London big 3 and the 2 Manc clubs, who the Premyaa Leegue bends ower backward to keep happy! ("Lick, Lick, Grovel, Grovel!")

The rest of the 14 Prem clubs and the 72 lower Leegue clubs divvint come into the equation az far az Masters and Co. are concorned!

Just az lang az 'the (so caalled) big six' are kept happy! 

The sooner they are forced to leave their posts the better!

AND YOUR 'BIRDS' CAN SING!

 Posted '1:15pm bells' Friday 20th November 2020

NUFC have issued a statement in relation to the 'leakin' of a report that they intend to gan to arbitration with The Premyaa Leegue, ower the never endin' takeower saga!

This woz supposed to be confidential, but somebody from the Premyaa Leegue's side 'sang like a canary', in an attempt to put yet anothaa 'spanner in the works' to try and stop the takeower by the PIF group!

The Premyaa Leegue's legal team are caalled 'BIRD & BIRD'!

"Say no more!---wink, wink, nudge, nudge, TWEET, TWEET!" 

DOON MEMORY LANE *** MIDDLESBROUGH 1996

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 17th November 2020

RIVERSIDE STADIUM 1996

(Before the corners were filled in)

It woz the year of 'The Entertainers' when NUFC went to Boro's new abode and won 2-1 to gan 12 points clear at the top of The Premyaa Leegue!

It seems such a lang time ago now, especially when yoo look just how far doon the peckin order we have dropped since then!

From title contenders to relegation contenders now! (2 relegations since those heady days!)

An  archive match report from that game at The Riverside Stadium ower 24 years ago iz printed below! (Ground 133) 

PS: This archive match report will be mee 151st new ground report in total, oot of the 346 I have  visited watchin NUFC teams---leavin 195 reports still to de! (It's a marathon for certain!)