THE TOON 2 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '1:40pm bells' Munday 6th July 2020 (Woodall services M1 north truck park!) Updated '7:30pm bells'

SHELVEY SCORES AT THE GALLOWGATE END ON THE TELLY 
AZ I LOOK OOT OF THE WINDOW OF ROSIES BAR 
TOWARDS THE GALLOWGATE END!

"LOOK THROUGH ANY WINDOW, YEAH!"

A bizarre day in The Toon started off in The Newcasil Arms and then onwards across the road to Rosie's Bar within sight of the Chinese arch and The Gallowgate End of St. James' Park 150 yards beyond! This woz the 2nd day of the pubs reopenin after the curfew, but the streets were strangely quiet?

News filtered through that 'The Dibble' had ordered some city centre bars not to show wor home game on the telly! Several boozers, includin The Strawberry, The Rose n Croon, The Black Garter and The 3 Bulls were ordered to switch their tellys off durin the live transmission!

"DRINK!--DRINK!--WHEREVER YOO MAY BE!"

Rosie's Bar, however, got the 'green light's az they had aall the social distancing measures in place, likes facemasks for bar staff, sanitizing gel for customers and they anly allowed 20 punters in the bar on pre booked tables!

Panic had struck when punters in The 3 Bulls were told that they wouldn't be able to watch the match there!  We had booked a table for 4 and were able to increase this to 7 in Rosie's to accommodate wor mates!

The game kicked off az we bizarrely looked oot of the window towards The Gallowgate End on the distance as the match unfolded on the bar's 3 tellys!

"A BOG standard performance!"

After just 4 minutes on the clock West Ham took the lead when Lascelles got hiz feet in a tangle in the box and Antonio had the easy task of slotting the baall into the net at The Gallowgate End!

One of wor number caalled 'Mark Mini Mags' ( he collects small models of Toon players!) missed the goal az he woz otherwise occupied in the bogs!
The equaliser came some 12 minutes later when Almiron fired home at The Leazes End. (Mark missed this goal az well, as he woz in the bogs again!) (Weak bladder, or wot?)

It woz 'ones a piece' at half time and then wor visitors retook the lead in the 65th minute when a shot which had rickoshaded off the bar foond the feet of Soucek and he had the simple task of side foot in the baall ower the goal line!

Mark again had made for the toolshed and aboot one minute later up popped Shelvey to hit a shot across the box and into the corner of the net for wor 2nd equaliser at The Gallowgate End, which we could see from a bar window! (Aye, Mark had missed both those goals az well to have the dubious record of not seeing any of the 4 goals as they were scored!

Toon team: Dubravka, Krafth,Lascelles, Fernandez, Manquillo, Shelvey, Hayden (Bentaleb 43), Joelinton (Carroll 81), Almiron, Saint-Maximin (Lazaro 69), Gayle (Ritchie 70)

Official attendance in Rosies: 23!   17 Toon fans, 3 bar staff, 2 booncers and 1 manageress! (There woz an empty table for 6 Gannin 'a beggin' az well!)

PS; Villa's defeat at Liverpoool meenz that NUFC cannot be relegated!
After Rosie's we heeded for The Strawberry where the streets aroond the groond were deserted!

VIEW OF STRAWBERRY PLACE AND THE GALLOWGATE END 

FROM AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW IN THE STRAWBERRY

DESERTED STREETS HALF AN HOUR AFTER MATCH ENDED!

The Strawberry's manager said that takins were doon £15,000 on a normal match day!
He didnt look a 'happy bunny' as he tried to make the customers he had (us!) adhere to social distancing rules!

PISTMAS INDEPENDANCE DAY AT LAST!

Posted '10:55am bells' Saturday 4th July 2020

"THE TALE OF THE LAST SUPPER!"

UPSTAIRS IN 'THE 3 BULLS'----THE 'LAST SUPPERS'!

It's been exactleee 106 days since Boris came on the telly to tell us that that day (March 20th) woz in fact 'last suppers day' for aall drinkers---and that the bars would be shut til forthaa notice!   

"DURIN' THE LOCKDOON"

Aa woz in The Leazes End Club behind St. James' Park that day when he annoonced it, and aa nearly chocked on mee pint az aa took a large gulp of the golden liquid refreshment!

"ME AND MEE LITTLE DOGGY CAALLED 'BREWDOG' (WOT ELSE?")

The 'last suppers' took place in 'The 3 Bulls' on Porcy Street that fateful day and since then a'v been forced to drink Broon Ale from the local 'off licence' in various locations aroond Tyneside! (see photos!)

"WENT TO VARIOUS LOCATIONS ON TYNESIDE"

This afternooon a'm heedin for 'The 3 Bulls' again, where 'Tex' Taylor haz booked a table for us upstairs!---106 lang days since we were last there!
It will be very strange indeed to have 'table sorvice' instead of proppin up the bar like we used to dee! (which isn't allowed now!)

"TO DRINK 'DOG' (NEWCASIL BROON ALE")

And then on Sunday we are tryin to find a bar where we can watch wor home game v 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham---and wouldn't it be ironic if that boozer torned oot to be 'The Strawberry' in the shadows of  'The Gallowgate End' and 'The Jackie Milburn statue' (a former great centre forward who won 3 FA Cup winners medals with The Toon in the 1950s!)

"IN PUB BEER GARDENS"

It certainly would be weird to be watchin the match ower the road, instead of bein in mee normal seat in 'The Milburn Stand'!

"AROOND THE CITY CENTRE"

'The Geordie Times' will dee a 'pub crawl' report sometime tomorrow mornin'----that's assuming we can get into pubs that can anly have one thord of the capacity they had before the lockoot!

"INCLUDIN' SOMEWHERE NEAR ST. JAMES' PARK"

A full Geordie Times 'NUFC Mad-Sad Tellyhoppers' report on wor game on Sunday will appear here from a yet to be named Toon pub!? (The Strawberry?, The Bodega?, The 3 Bulls?, The Monkey Bar?)
Az per usual---watch this space for news of this!

AND OOTSIDE WOR HOOSE!"

Update '11:00am bells'

TOON CENTRE!
FOTO TAKEN AT
'9:00AM BELLS'!
😳

BOURNEMOOOTH 1 THE TOON 4 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted 'high noon bells' (at Redditch, Worcestershire) Thorsday 2nd July 2020

NUFC MAD-SAD TELLYHOPPERS

VIEW OF GAYLE'S GOAL FROM MAYNOOOTH

IRELAND!

"NEWCASTLE ARE AS BRIGHT AS THEIR 3RD KIT!"

Wor forst away game under the lockdoon proved to be wor best performance of the season on the road!

The 4-1 win woz the first time we'd scored 4 goals this season, as a very bad Bournemoooth team gave up after just 5minutes on the clock!
This is when Dwight Gayle scored after a defensive error and he wellied the baall into the corner of the goal to cheers from every Tyneside livin room!

MANQUILLO THROW IN, IN FRONT OF WHERE THE TOON FANS

 SHUD BE, IN THE AWAY END!

               
The 2nd came on the half hour mark, when a through baall from Saint-Maximin foond Sean Langstaff and he buried it from 12 yards oot!

That's how it stayed til half time with The Toon having 75% of the possession and the telly commentator 'committed' that, "Newcastle are as bright az their 3rd kit! (NUFC played in aall orange!)

The 2nd half woz just the same and Almiron added a 3rd when Saint-Maximin slotted a through baall to him, and the little jem placed his shot into the corner of the goal!

ALMIRON GOAL CARE OF NUFC MAD-SAD TELLYHOPPERS ON TYNESIDE! 
("Err! Actually that woz Lazaro's goal!")

Lazaro added a 4th with 13 mins left on the clock from a Shelvey pass and then the miss of the day when Hayden somehow fired ower the bar with the goal gaping from 2 feet oot after Lazaro had hit the bar!?  The fake crowd noise then started singin', "Come on Boro!"???

A consolation goal for the home side deep into stoppage time woz the anly blip from a great performance!

We now have 42 points and are surely safe from relegation--- a near certainty now!

Toon team: Dubravka, Krafth, Fernandez, Lascelles, Manquillo (Yedlin 73), S. Langstaff (Almiron33), Bentaleb, Shelvey, Saint-Maximin (Lazaro 62), Gayle (Carroll 62), Joelinton (Hayden 72)

BREWDOG WATCHES ON AZ
SEAN LANGSTAFF SCORES WOR 2ND GOAL!

Official attendance in wor hoose: 2 * Me and mee doggy and a bottle of 'DOG' (Newcasil Broon Ale)

*

BOURNEMOOOTH v THE TOON *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '5:23pm bells' Wedinzday 1st July 2020

We play wor 4th game behind closed doors this evenin at Bournemoooth in just ower half an hours time and 'The Geordie Times' will be watchin it on the telly again at yem, instead of inside The Vitality Stadium (formally Dean Court) 370 miles away from Tyneside!

This will be wor forst away game in the 'restart lockout' and the 10,000 seater groond will be completely empty of Bournemoooth and Toon fans!

MEEENWHILE AT THE VITALITY STADIUM, AWAY SECTION!

This iz in complete contrast to last week when HALF A MILLION covidiots desended onto Bournemoooth beach! (see top photo!)

And wor question iz!---If they can let 500,000 'sunseekers' onto a Bournemoooth beach, then why the hell can't they let 10,000 fans into a Bournemoooth futbaall stadium, 2 miles from the 'said' beach?

Answers on a Bournemoooth postcard pleeeze, to 

Boris Johnson, 10 Downing Street, London!

A full Geordie Times mad-sad tellyhoppers' match report will appear here sometime on Thorsday neet!---One day late, BUT! this IZ The Geordie Times!---Wot did yoo expect!? 

TORTUROUS TOON TAKEOWER TRAUMA!

Posted '7:33pm bells' Tuesday 30th Joon 2020

At last! we have hord The Premyaa Leegue's chief executive Richard Masters voice and he haz given some clarity aboot just when the takeower or non takeower will be announced!

After bein quizzed by MPs, he says it will happen very soon, as we heed into the month of July tomorrow!
The 4th month of diliberation, which started in April!

Everybody is asking now, includin 'Broken Nose Bruce', the players and wor record goalscorer Alan Shearer!
Toon fans started a petition to get Masters to 'get hiz finger oot' and within 2 hours 5,000 had signed it! (includin' The Geordie Times!)

We just need to naa!---one way or the othaa, Richard!!!🙏🙏🙏

THE TOON 0 THE BLUE MOONIES 2 *** FA CUP QWAATAA FINAL 2019-2020

Posted '8:15pm bells' Munday 29th Joon 2020

*"THE CITY KEEPER MAY AZ WELL GAN AND FEED THE    DUCKS NEXT DOOR!"

The last FA Cup tie a'd missed at SJP woz against Sheff Wed in January 1966!
 Since then av been to every single one from January 1967 (Carlisle) to January 2020 (Oxfaad). A sequence which sadly came to an end in yesterday's behind closed doors game v Man City!

A run of '80 in a row' woz consigned to the dustbin, as aa reluctantly became an 'NUFC mad-sad 'Tellyhopper' for the thord time in 7 days and watched on from mee livin room, with mee little doggy and a bottle of 'DOG'! (Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!)

A TALE OF TWO 'DOGS'

*The game started at '6:30bells' and straight away Man City went on the attack at The Gallowgate End and laid siege to wor goal for the first 30 odd minutes, where attack after attack, would surely result in a goal sooner rather than later!

And then finally the pressure paid off---A needless penalty given away by Fabian Schar in the 37th minute for pushing a City player resulted in De Bruyne scoring from the spot, sending keeper Karl Darlow the wrang way!
It woz still aall one way traffic with hardly anything gannin on at the opposite Leazes End, where Man City keeper Bravo had nowt to dee but twiddle hiz thumbs!

I then got a text message from 'Tex' Taylor which read: "The City keeper may az well gan and feed the ducks next door!" (Leazes Park lake iz behind The Leazes End!) (see top photo!)

The commentator then said that Man City had 85% of the possession, which woz staggerin', considerin' that we were supposed to be the home team!
Almiron, for example, got a forst mention late in the half and the commentator added, "First set of passes from Newcastle after 43 minutes!" 

Just before the teams ran oot for the 2nd half, the commentator once again said the blindingly obvious after such a poor show in the forst half! "Steve Bruce might as well change something!" (Hiz brain!)  "HE DIDN'T!" and sent the same 11 oot for the restart!

"WEMBLEY 'NIGHTMARE' OVER!"

NUFC actually tried to play some futbaall in this half, and we nearly equalised through Dwight Gayle who had just come on for Andy Carroll, but he somehow 'skied' the baall ower the bar from 6 yards oot, with the goal 'gapin', in the 65th minute!

And did we pay the price for that miss, az just 3 minutes later 'The Blue Moonies' ran into wor half and Sterling hit an unstoppable shot from lang range, which beat Darlow in The Toon goal aall ends up to end wor Wembley nightmare once and for aall! 
(I say 'nightmare', coz we would have had to watch it on the telly again, sommik which would be very hard to take, especially if we'd reached the final (both semi finals and final are to be played at the home of futbaall!---with nee fans present, of course!)

We can at least breathe a sigh of relief that the above scenario now can't happen!

If anything, wor shockin performance tells us that this takeower saga, which iz set to drag into a FOURTH MONTH in two days time, must surly be approved very soon, (PLEEEZE!) or else we will be 'cannon fodder' for the likes of Man City and Liverpoool for the foreseeable future!

Toon team: Darlow, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Schar, Rose (Lazaro 75), Hayden (S Longstaff 79), Saint-Maximin (Yedlin 74), Almiron (Joelinton 65), Carroll (Gayle 64) 

Official attendance in wor hoose: 2 *** Me, mee doggy and a bottle of DOG!)

*

THE TOON V THE BLUE MOONIES *** TOMORROW TEATIME!

Posted '5:00pm bells' Saturday 27th Joon 2020

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

"A TOTALLY UNDERWEMBLEYING FEELING!"

Tomorrow at '6:30pm bells' we play in the FA Cup qwaataa finals for the forst time in 14 years v Man City, with the 'carrot' of a possible Wembley 'double' in the semi final and Final, shud we win!

Normally the adrenalin would be flowin' through mee vains, but the though of havin' to watch the game in mee livin' room with just me and mee little doggy and a bottle of 'DOG' for company, instead of 52,000 fellow fans at SJP, barely 2 miles away from wor hoose, fills me with disappear, instead of joy!

Indeed, if they switch the floodlights on at some point I will be able to see the glow of the lights from mee back livin room window against the sky!

Of course there wont be 52,000 plus present, instead just 300 or so players, staff, jernoz and TV crewz will be scattered aboot the pitch and The Milburn Stand, with anly the echos of the players voices, booncin' off the stadium waalls and roof az the action on the pitch unfolds! (Unless aa switch the 'fake crowd noise' on!)(NEE chance!) 
And aall in the belief that TV money(££££££££££££) iz more important than peoples lives? (anothaa 100 or so deaths today from 'the bat out of hell' virus, which haz now claimed ower 43,000 UK citizens in total!)

And az for a trip to Wembley for the semis IF we win?---the nearest aa will get, iz a boozer somewhere in 'The Toon' 280 miles away from London, az they will be reopened by then! (Next Saturday actually!)

And can anybody ever imagine an FA Cup final bein played in a virtually empty 90,000 seater stadium, with just plastic red seats az a backdrop!???  (I'm havin recurrin' nightmares aboot the possibility of that, az well!)

A'v said it before, and aa'll say it again! 
"FUTBAALL WITHOOT FANS ISN'T FUTBAALL!"  

PS: We know that some fans who aalways watch wor games on TV will disagree with wor sentiments, but any diehard fans who hadn't missed eethaa home games or home AND away games for years, will surely agree that to play games in soulless concrete bowls iz a tragedy , to say the least!

A Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday neet!--one day late!--but this IZ The Geordie Times--wot did yoo expect???

A QWAATAA OF A YEAR AND STILL WAITIN'!?

Posted '10:00pm bells' Friday 26th Joon 2020

After 13 lang torturous weeks (that's a qwaataa of one year!) we are STILL waitin for The Premyaa Leegue's cheef exec Richard Masters to pass or fail the PIF Saudi group in the fit and propaa owners test!

How much LANGER have the Geordie faithful got to wait for an answer?---one way or the othaa!
Its unreal that this decision has still not been made aftaa aall this time!

It's time to get your finger oot 'Masters' and give us a decision, before we aall die of old age!💀

THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '9:45pm bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2020

"IT ANLY TAKES 30 SECONDS TO SCORE A GOAL!"

Again, aa heeded for grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose to watch the game on BT (coz aa divvint have it!)

A dire 1st half from us in an empty stadium resulted in a goal less scoreline at the break!----and we were lucky, az Villa had a couple of chances, which they thankfully 'fluffed'

The 2nd half woz a bit better and we took the lead through Dwight Gayle before we scored?---Let me explain! Craig (wor lasses son) got a message alert on hiz phone that Gayle had scored!
"Its still nil-nil" aa said az aa pointed to the score in the top coner of the screen!  
30 seconds later Gayle got a pass from Andy Carroll and sure enough, he buried it into the back of the Villa net at 'The Gallowgate End'! (the 'live' game woz in fact at least a minute behind the play on the pitch!---alledgedly!)
A completely 'flat' goal celebration followed from me because of this!

Craig then said that Lascelles had been booked, even though the baall woz nee where near him at the time! 
BUT!--sure enough some 40 odd seconds later, he woz indeed booked for a foul on a Villa attacker!

Craig then put the phone to one side so we couldn't be distracted again, and 'shock, horror', 'The Hazbeenz' equalised through ex mackem player Elmohamady just 7 minutes from time after a mix up from a corner by Almiron, Shelvey and Toon goalie Dubravka!

It ended 1-1 and I have to say I woz totally underwhelmed by wor performance and the 'live' telly coverage!

Honestly, aa hated watchin' it with the fake crowd noise and the empty seats covered with various banners, like 'HOWAY THE LADS' etc! (I would have preferred to not have the crowd noise, but it wasn't my telly or hoose, woz it?)

Mee 2nd 'NUFC tellyhoppers' game in a row!----with unfortunately many (many!) more to follow!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Rose, Hayden (Bentaleb 86), Shelvey, Ritchie (Gayle 67), Saint-Maximin, Joelinton (Carroll 64), Almiron (Lazaro 86)

Official attendance: 2 (Just meesel and Craig) (The grandbairns played on their X boxes in their bedrooms!) *Wise move!

THE TOON V THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS REPORT TOONEET

Posted '2:00pm bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2020

A 'Tellyhoppers' match report will appear here later tooneet!
Better late than never!
This is The Geordie Times after aall!🤪