AND THEN THERE WOZ THREE!---AND THEN THERE WOZ TWO!

Posted '1:58pm bells' Tuesday 14th April 2020
Updated '9:00pm bells'

News that Sporz have been forced into a 'U turn' by angry players  for furlonging staff, follows on from Liverpoool fans forcing their club to dee the same az it's bad for their images!

This meeenz that anly 3 Premyaa Leegue clubs are furlongin staff!

Bournemoooth, who's groond holds less than Conference North Gatesheed's groond.
ie: They ARE just a smaall club, so its nee suprize!

And then we have Delia'z Canary Custards of Nohrich who have 25,000 fans-   Delia iz a multi millionaire and shame on her!--And of course we have 'The Fat Controller's club NUFC who have massive support and dont need to dee this eethaa!

But there IZ massive shame attached to 'us' as this is wot we expect anyway from wor billionaire owner who shows nee shame at aall!

Its notable that there iz nee  protests from Toon players or fans, as it would be a complete and utter waste of time!----Mee 'finks' that the word APATHY immediately comes to mind!

Just hord--- Bournemoooth have reversed decision as well after fans protest!

FAT CONTROLLER ON THE BRINK!

Posted '4:13pm bells' Tuesday 14th April 2020

News that a deal for 'The Fat Controller' to finally sell wor great club to the Amanda Stavely group haz resurfaced yet again!

Documents have been seen to confirm this---We can anly hope (and pray!) that it's TRUE this time and that the letter below hasn't been doctored or forged by some tosspot!

The 'Ronny Gill' and 'Daily Mail' have aalso said that a deal is now close to completion!

"Get the prayer mats oot!"("Again!")

🙏  🙏  🙏  🙏  🙏  🙏

GROUNDHOPPERS ARCHIVE---NORTHWICH VICTORIAA, 12 YEARS AGO

Posted '12:50pm bells' Easter Munday 13th April 2020

OBVIOUSLY NORTHWICH HAVE A HUGE AWAY SUPPORT!

Az av got nowt better to dee at the moment, az there iz nee futbaall to report or pubs to visit--- OR! work to gan tee!, because of the coronavirus pandemic, a'm busy tryin to add more archive reports on groonds av visited to mee never endin' list!

The latest one iz a resorve game in Northwich, Chesire in March 2008, when NUFC played Man U resorves in a FA Premyaa Resorve Leegue North game (see report below)

This groond report meenz that av done a report on EVERY new groond av visited in the last 12 years!---which iz 81 in total!

My ambition iz to dee a report on EVERY groond av ever been tee since aa started gannin in 1964!  In total av now done 156 'new groond' reports oot of the 346 groonds visited followin' The Toon, leavin a grand total of 190 still to dee!

I will attempt to dee at least one archive report a week, while the lockdoon continues!
Az aalways, "WATCH THIS SPACE!"
  

265 victoria stadium/marston' arena northwich (v man u reserves)

“The never endin’ ‘Toonhop Tour’ continued at Man U’s latest resorve venue at the new home of Northwich Victoria, where the Toon’s second string were playin’ and the anly reason we were here of course was because it was a NEW GROOOND to add to ‘the list’!----reeed on!”

(GROUND NUMBER 265 (NOT!)

Dateline: 6^th DECEMBER 2007

VICTORIA  STADIUM (CLUBHOOSE!), NORTHWICH, CHESHIRE



MANCHESTER UNITED RESERVES   P

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES  Pist off!



FA PREMIER RESERVE LEAGUE NORTH

CLUBHOOSE ATTENDANCE: 10 (5 rather wet Toon fans! & 5 glory huntin’ Man U fans!)





PART ONE:



“THE VICTORIA FALLS!”

‘The Caped Crusader’s’ silver ‘bat mobile’ was (again) wor mode of transport for this game in Cheshire against Man U’s ‘second string’ at non league Northwich Victoria. The usual ‘culprits’ of course were on board, namly, ‘Biffa the Beer’, ‘Glennn from Ashington’ and meesel!

The day before, the forst team had got a credible home draa against Arsenal and Biffa had been dein’ a book signin’ session for his new book in ‘The Back Page’ bookshop in St Andrews Street and aa have ti tell yiz that the queues stretched aall the way doon the street!

However!---The anly problem for ‘Biffa’ was that the ‘queues’ a’m taalkin’ aboot were for the ‘X31’ bus to Waallsend and beyond and not! for signed copies of his  new book! (Stick to the 'day job, mate!)

ANYWAY! ---The weather was OK when we forst set off, but by the time we hit the ‘M6’ torrential rain was buffetin’ ‘the bat mobile’ as we sped through the spray.

The forecast for the Cheshire area was’nt ower clever and when we arrived some three hours after leavin’ ‘sunny’ Tyneside the ‘Michael Caine’ was comin’ doon in buckets!

After collectin’ some team sheets from the main reception we made for the dry sanctuary of the Northwich Victoria clubhoose next door, which is built underneath the main stand.



The groond is one of them brand newins built in the ‘back of beyond’, or in this case a place caalled Lostock and there was absolutleee nowt there apart from the ‘said’ groond----ie----not a boozer within a mile!





“THERE’S ANLY ONE REVEREND BOWYERS!”---(“PRAISE THE LORD!”)



The clubhoose roof is made of slopin’ glass panels and of course it was still ‘lashin it doon’ as the rain cascaded doon the glass roof like a huge waaterfaall!

(The ‘Victoria Falls’---perhaps!?) (sic!)



Anyway!---‘the soaken saddos’ (us!) were soon joined by ‘Dave from York’ who had travelled across country by train and he was like a drooned rat as he waalked through the door!

We were getting’ a bit worried aboot the match bein’ caalled off by this time, as apart from us, there were anly five others in the bar, three Man U gloryhunters with two sprogs in tow! And as we sat in the bar watchin’ the ‘waaterfaall’ as we supped wor ale, wor worst fears were conformed precisely one hour and five mins before kick off when a gadgie came ower and telt us the devestatin’ but predictable bad news----“IT’S OFF!”, he said as we looked bewilderedly at each other!



(Five minutes later the Toon team bus torned up, so it was’nt just us who had made the wasted ‘rain-lashed’ journey)



‘Glennn from Ashington’ decided to heed for the main reception once again to see if he could get a few more teamsheets. He returned to the clubhouse five mins later clutchin’ Sir Bobby Charlton’s executive match ticket which the lassie in reception had given him as a souvenir!

(quite appropriate as Bobby of course comes from Ashington, like Glennn!)

“There’s loads more roond there!”, he said as he waved his ‘prized possession in the air!



As anybody who naaz me naaz!, aa save match tickets as well and aa made a ‘beeline’ for reception (but not! before gulpin’ doon mee pint of ‘extraa smoooth’!)

The lassie rummaged through a pile of letters and gave iz what she led me to believe was another ‘famous face’!



Sir Alex Ferguson’s ticket perhaps!?----Denis Law’s!??---OR!--- (god forbid!)---Paddy Crerand’s!!??---NO!---it was somebody more famous than them aall---non other than! ------(wait for it!)----‘THE REVEREND BOWYERS!’



“Who the hell’s he---like!?”, aa said as aa looked puzzilingleee at the match ticket!

“He’s the club chaplain!”, said the lassie behind the reception desk in a surprised voice (as if everyboby should naa??)



So there we have it!---Glennn got Sir Bobby’s ticket and aa got ‘Charlie’ Chaplain’s!

(although, aa divvint think it was the same one from the ‘silent movies’!?)



Anyway!---Glennn refused point blank to swap me tickets (selfish B*****D!) and we returned to ‘the bat mobile’ for the near 200 mile journey yem! (to say that we were ‘pist off’ would be the understatement of the year so far!)



A wasted journey?----YES!----but at least it gave us sommik to taalk aboot as we sped back ower the Pennines past the ‘M62’ farmhoose!





©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!) (still! 264 & coontin’!)





Three months & three weeks later!



(GROUND NUMBER 265---at last!)

Dateline: 27^th March 2008

*MARSTON’S ARENA, NORTHWICH, CHESHIRE



MANCHESTER UNITED RESERVES  3

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES  1 (Godsmark)



FA PREMIER RESERVE LEAGUE NORTH

Attendance: 547 (includin’ aboot 20 Toon fans)





PART TWO:



“THE VICTORIA FALL OUT!”

*NO!---it izzint a misprint!—but since we were last here some sixteen weeks orlier, they’d actually changed the name of the groond from ‘Victoria Stadium’ to ‘Marston’s Arena’!



One notable absentee was ‘Biffa’ who had booked a pre arranged holiday with their lass in Barcelona, which meant that anly three of us had travelled doon this time, in ‘The Caped Crusaders’ ‘bat-mobile’



Nuw!--- tek a laaaang hard look in the mirror and ask yourself a serious question!----------would yi!------ rather be sunnin’ yoursel in one of the beach bars in the Catalan cultural capital, watchin’ some beautiful blonde bimbo in a ‘topless peeece’ waalk by, as you sup an ice cold lager from a ‘San Maguel’ crested glass-----OR!-----would yi!----- rather be suppin’ a waatered doon luke waam Bovril from a ‘Northwich Victoria’ crested plastic cup instead, as you watch the ‘fall out’ from the toxic smoke as it bellows skyward from the nearby ‘Victoria Chemical Works’,  (or whatever it’s caalled!?) as you freeze to death on the ‘sun-less’ terraces??? (at least it was’nt ‘chuckin’ it doon’ this time!)



If the answer to the above question is the latter, then you are in serious need of psychiatric help and aa naa  this very good psychiatrist who will be able to offer you!--------absolootlee ne help whatsoever! (ie: there’s definateleee ‘ne hope’ for you at aall!)



Anyway!----soon we were joined by ‘Dave from York’, who again had made the jorney by train and ‘The Toon’ started off brightly as they kicked towards the ‘Chemical Plant End’ as the darkness drew in.

In complete contrast the opposite end had a row of ‘very nice’ conifers trees linin’ the ‘one step’ terraces, behind which the Toon’s team bus was parked.



Opposite to where we were standin’ was the main stand and directly behind it in the distance aboot fower miles away was another chemical plant, spewin’ oot it’s bronchitis guaranteed smog  and as the ‘current bun’ made it’s exit ower the horizon, an orange ‘glow’ lit up the black sky as the teams ran oot for the ‘seven bells’ kick off!  (is this smogland in disguise?)



‘The Toon’s second string were by far the better side durin’ the forst exchanges, but we had

 to wait til 12 mins before the break before  the deadlock was finally broken, when a sliced shot from Toon’s  James Marwood foond Jonny Godsmark and he slotted the baall past the Man U keeper, who’d been wrong footed by Marwood’s wayward effort and we went in at the break one-nil up.



Durin’ the half time interval, ‘Dave from York’, forever the ‘sad stat man’, worked oot that he’d nuw seen ‘The Toon’ play ‘Man U’ at various levels at ne fewer than eleven different venues!

Me and ‘Glennn from Ashington’ worked oot that wor total was ten and ‘The Caped Crusader’ came in last with a ‘mere’ nine (bloody part-timer!)



And just to bore you totally (and completleee!) to death, just in case yi divvint believe us!---- the ‘Magnificent eleven’ are: 1: St James’ Park (1^st team), 2: Old Trafford (1^st team),

3: Wembley Stadium (1^st team), 4: Millenium Stadium (1^st team), 5: Ibrox Park (1^st team) (four team tournament) 6: Gateshead Stadium (Reserves), 7: Kingston Park (Reserves), 8: Gigg Lane (Reserves), 9: Altrincham FC (Reserves), 10: *Carrington (Juniors), (*‘Dave from York’, only).  And finally! (of course!)--- 11: Victoria Stadium/Marston’s Arena (Reserves) “ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!”



Anyway!---enough of that sadness!---In the second half ‘The Toon’ kicked towards ‘The Conifer Tree End’ (it had to be!) but it was the home side who came to life with three goals in a five minute period of mad Toon defendin’ just after the restart, to knock the stuffin’ oot of wor second string. The game fizzled oot after this and there were ne more goals or incidents of note and in the end we were well beaten and so ‘it came to pass’ that the ‘crestfallen four’ filed dejectedly oot of the groond and heeded back home past the M62 farmhoose once again!



So there we have it!----after two roond trips to Cheshire in which we’d clocked up a staggerin’ 750 miles (plus!), we could finally say that we had completed ‘the set’, as we’d previously visited aall the other groonds that mek up ‘The Premier Reserve League North’------nuw wots that psychiatrist’s number again? ??



©Fink™ (The Mad-Sad Gr☺ndh☺pper!) (265 & ooontin’!)





‘A’ to ‘Z’ Geordie Glossary of Terms and Phrases

(For the benefit of ‘non Geordie’ readers)



‘A’

aa=I    aall=all    anly=only    a’m=I’m    aboot=about



‘B’

Bat mobile=”it’s only a ‘Corsa’ but it gans (goes)  like a rocket!”

boozer=public house    bells= ‘o’ clock



‘C’

clubhoose=clubhouse    culprits=us!    current bun=sun    chuckin’ it doon=raing very heavily



‘D’

draa=draw    dein’=doing    doon=down    droned=drowned    divvint=do not



‘F’

forst=first    fower=four   foond=found



‘G’

gadgie=gentleman   



‘H’

heed=head   



‘I’

iz=me    izzint=is not



‘L’

lashin’ it doon=raining very heavily    lassie=girl    laaaang=long



‘M’

Micheal Caine=rain    meesel=myself    mek=make   

M62 farmhoose=farmhouse surrounded by the M62 motorway (the farmer would’nt move when they built the motorway, so they built it around his farm!----Honest!)



‘N’

nowt=nothing    newins=new ones    naaz=knows    ne=no   



‘O’

oot(side)=out(side)    ower=over    orlier=earlier



‘P’

Pist off=very depressed!



‘R’

Roond=round    resorves=reserves



‘S’

smoggies=someone from middlesbrough     smogland=see previous answer! sprogs=children    second string=reserves   

sommik=something    saddos=very sad people    sad stat man=’Dave from York’    



‘T’

Toon fans=Newcastle United fans    Toonhop Tour=watchin’ Newcastle United wherever they may play     taalkin’=talking    topless peeece=bikini with top missing!

talk=talk



‘W’

wor=our    waallsend=wallsend    waaterfaall=waterfall    waatered doon=watered down waalked=walked    waam=warm    wots=what’s



‘Y’

yiz=you lot    yee naa where=you know where    yem=home    yi=you    yoursel=yourself



‘Z’

“ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!”=falling asleep!!!!                         

"THAT'S STRETCHIN' IT A BIT!"

Posted '5:32pm bells' Easter Sunday 12th April 2020

Bored to death with bein stuck in the hoose, with nee futbaall or boozers to gan tee--are yoo?

'The Geordie Times' haz received a hilarious video of how NOT to deal with players etc. who were badly injured 'stretcher cases'!😜

More videos to follow in due course!  "ZZZzzzzz!!!!"😴

CARDBOARD CUT-OOT FANS!---HAZ IT REEELY COME TO THIS!?

Posted '4:55pm bells' Saturday 11th April 2020

A SIGN OF THE TIMES----CARDBOARD CUT-OOT BORUSSIA FANS!

"YOUR NOT SINGIN' ANYMORE!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that UEFA have hired a world renouned Belgian virologist for advice on the coronavirus crisis and he's urged them to abandon this season IMMEDIATELY!
(For yoo iģnoramisus's, Virologist = Expert in viruses!)

Scottish futbaall iz in 'limbo' after the SPFL vote on Friday, with Dundee havin the decisive say on whether the season will end orly in the 4 divisions includin' the Scottish Premya Leegue! (They haven't voted yet?) 
Steps 3 to 7 in the Inglish non leegue have aalready been abandoned---so how lang before the rest of futbaall follows suit? 

But any slim hope of the season continuin' at a later date throughout Europe, could be snuffed oot entirely if European Futbaall's governin body listen to the advice of Marc Van Ranst---a leadin authority on the subject!

He said: "Playing football in the next few months is NOT an option at all!  Even talk of playing games behind closed doors, that cannot be allowed!". (ie: Players are the same az the rest of us and could transmit the disease between each othaa!) 
He added: "I'm afraid mass events like football and music festivals will be the very last thing to be allowed again!"

Unbelievably, in Jawmany, Borrusia Munchingladbach fans have made cardboard cut-oots of fans to place in seats in their stadium, should games there be allowed to be played BCD! (Yi couldnt make it up!)

And so there we have it----- nearly 1,000 poor souls have died in the last 24 hours in the UK alone (again!) and we haven't even reached the 'peak' yet!
Meeenwhile!--most players are arguin against pay cuts in aall leegues, which, if not resolved, could close some clubs doon!

It's crazy, when so many people are losin' their lives, which includes 19 brave health worker in the NHS 'aall told', that most players on huge salaries refuse to take a pay cut on the advice of 'The Players Union'!
So expect MANY clubs 'gannin to the waall' in the next few months because of lack of revenue through the gates and the selfish players union!----led by that dinosaur, Graham Taylor!---"Er!-SORRY!" That shud be GORDON Taylor! 😳 (Graham Taylor iz dead!)

"Peoples lives are more important than futbaall matches anyway!"

A GLIMMER OF LIGHT AT THE END OF A DARK TUNNEL!

Posted '5:55pm bells' on a not so Good Friday 10th April 2020

"IT'S A LOCKOOT!"😳

*Its sunny, it's a bank holiday, there's nee futbaall and the pubs are shut for the foreseeable future (with some boarded up!)--and we of course have been told to stay at home for a forthaa 3 weeks at least, because of the 'bat out of hell' coronavirus pandemic!

It's now 2 weeks since Boris shut the boozers and nearly 5 weeks since NUFC last kicked a baall in anger!
So this is hardly a GOOD Friday---iz it?

Rumours persist that games will be played behind closed doors when the restrictions ease---but there IZ a glimmer of hope that fans WILL be allowed to gan to games, IF they can show that they don't have the virus from a new app on your phone!

*We await with baited breath to see when futbaall and the reopening of drinkin dens eventually happens!

GEORDIE TIMELINE*** 109 YEARS AGO, GEORDIE GANS TO THE ANTARCTIC!

☃Posted '2:50pm bells' Thorsday 9th April 2020☃

🐧"COLD CRATES OF 'DOG' AND AALL THAT!"🐧

There woz aalso 'social distancing' ower 100 years ago, when a Toon fan caalled 'Geordie' visited the South Pole with hiz gorlfriend, as part of the 'Scott of the Antarctic' expedition'!

Geordie woz put in charge of the 'food provisions sledge' which woz fully stocked with vital supplies!

*For the benefit of 'non Geordie' reeders, 'DOG' is Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!

Those of yoo of a nervous disposition, "LOOK AWAY NOW!"

THE QUEEN'S HEARTWARMING MESSAGE TO 'GEORDIE TIMES' REEEDERS!

👑 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 8th April 2020 👑

👑

"As an avid supporter of 'The Toon' and regular reader of 'The Geordie Times', I am speaking to you at what I know is an increasingly challenging time!

👑
A time of disruption in the life of our country and enormous changes to the daily lives of us all!

Iconic public houses in central Newcastle like 'The Strawberry', 'The Threee Bulls Heads', 'The Bodega' and 'The Beee Hive' are all closed due to the pandemic and of course there is no football at St. James' Park for the foreseeable future!

👑
But there IS light at the end of the tunnel, as thankfully the 'Off Licences' have reopened, as they are classed as 'essential businesses'!
So you can get your daily exercise of 100/200 metres to the nearest one, to purchase crates of 'Newcastle Brown Ale', packs of 'Woodpecker Cider' and bottles of 'Smirnoff Vodka' and 'Bell's Whisky', to drink in your homes!
👑
I want to thank all of you who are staying at home to get mortal drunk, thereby helping to protect yourselves and others by social isolation in-doors!

👑
We should take comfort that while we have more still to endure, better days will return and we will be with friends once again, we will be with our families again and we will meet again when the bars reopen and 'The Toon' play again!

👑
But for now I send you my thanks and warmest good wishes to you all!"

👑

"HOWAY THE LADS!"

"THEY'RE HERE!--THEY'RE THERE!--THERE EVERY F*****' WHERE!---EMPTY SEATS!---EMPTY SEATS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 6th April 2020

Empty seats---A taste of things to come, perhaps?  NUFC U23s v WEST HAM U23s at SJP---May 2017

News that UEFA have given permission to the Inglish and Scottish leegues to televise games at 3 bells on Saturdays, has been annoonced in a desperate bid to finally finish the season!

Premyaa Leegue clubs in particular would be hardest hit az they could lose a staggering £720 million if the games arnt played! (Bornley have said that they face a £50 million shortfall and will gan bust if the season isnt finished!)

July and August have been mooted for the final games with the country still in lockdoon!

Like 'The Geordie Times' haz said before, futbaall without fans iz like a Sunday dinnaa with nee Bisto gravy!----ie; It's a non starter!---for mee at least!

With the death toll risin' daily, from 'The Bat out of Hell' virus, it may be a very lang time before futbaall resumes---and remember, futbaallers are human beings, just like the rest of us----So if its safe to resume playin with 'nee social distancing' for players considered to be OK---then it should be safe for fans to retorn to the terraces az well to watch on, rathaa than in wor front livin rooms with a deserted stadium az a backdrop!

The "empty seats" song will then take on a new meanin'!---for certain!