THE JELLIED EELS MOB V THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:13pm bells' Friday 1st November 2019

"(EEST) LONDON CALLING!"

*With Sean Longstaff suspended for 3 games after hiz sendin off at home to Wolves, hiz replacement iz likely to be Issac Hayden who haz completed hiz suspension!
Matt Ritchie and Florien Lejeune are in contention to retorn, but both Fabian Schar and 'Andy "I'm crocked again!" Carroll' are predicted to miss the game!

'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham haven't won in their last 4 games and so there iz a chance that we might (just might!) come away with 1 point or (hopefully) 3, provided we can find the back of the net! (just 3 away goals so far for NUFC in 5 away games!)

NUFC have sold wor entire 3,000 ticket allocation for 'The (Clever) Trevor Brooking Stand' and there iz sure to be a 60,000 crowd in total!

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' are on the '7:56 bells' train in the mornin', with plenty of 'cans' to keep us gannin to King's Cross (London)
This will be wor thord visit to West Ham's new abode and we have won 1 and lost 1 on wor previous 2 visits to The Olympic Stadium---sorry! London Stadium--and a pair of binoculars would be handy--just to to be able to see the far goal, az we are situated miles from the pitch in row 34 of the upper tier, behind the goal! (The worst 'away end' view in The Premyaa Leegue!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match and trip report will appear here sometime on Sunday!
AZ PER USUAL---"WATCH THIS SPACE!"

PS: Below is an archive match report from West Ham ower 50 years ago in 1969

009 upton park west ham

(GROUND NUMBER 9)
Date of First Visit: 1st MARCH 1969
BOLEYN GROUND, UPTON PARK, LONDON

WEST HAM UNITED 3
NEWCASTLE UNITED 1 (Davies)

(OLD) DIVISION ONE
ATTENDANCE 26,366 (1,000 Toon fans)





"LIFE SENTENCES AND JELLIED EELS!"
West Ham!. (or West 'Aem' as the 'Cockney Boys' caall 'em!) Aa could honestly write a whole book alone on mee trips tih Upton Park.
So!---here gans! with mee very forst visit to 'eeest Landan'
This game was played in the same week as the notorious east end gangsters the Kray twins were facin' life imprisonment for the gangland killings of rivals George Cornell and 'Jack The Hat' McVitie and there was a sense of foreboding in the air as we approached the tornstiles.

We were in the 'South Bank End' that day and ah remember that a Toon fan caalled 'Kit Kat' was leadin' the 'Geordie Choir', to a rendition of 'Wyn is the King'.
Another Toon fan caalled 'Doddsy', who waz a reet radgie (and still iz!---even though he's in his late '50's nuw!) used tih wear a white butchers coat with 'LEAZES END BOOT BOYS' on the back, which was written very crudely in biro and felt tipped pen.




Underneath there was a drawin' of the F.A. Cup alang side a very large 'Doctor Martin Boot', and he was tryin' tih goad the mainly black West Ham fans in wor end to a 'punch up'.
They aall had their prince of wales suits on and carried rolled up brollies as part of their 'kit' and were knaan as 'The Brolly ***s' and they had a fearsome reputation at the time. (NO!---it's NOT! 'The Brolly Boys', by the way!)




The South Bank had a low pitched roof and shallow terracin' which made it hard to see the goaline from the back as the perimeter fence was practically on the pitch, the groond was that compact. (It was so close infact, that the goal nettin' was tied to the fences handrail!)
The white West Ham fans used to congregate in the opposite 'mirror image' North Bank end which had an even worse reputation, not unlike 'The Krays', so it was a 'no win' situation as far as we were concerned as there was still ne segregation of away fans in them days.
Yi simply paid 'your bit' at the tornsiles and 'took your chances'

To wor left was the double decker main stand which was by far the tallest structure in the groond and to wor reet was the newly built 'Chicken Run' stand, which, as it's Cockney slang name suggests, was aboot the same size as a 'hen coop'! and was aboot a qwaata of the main stands size




Before lang it 'kicked off' (not the match by the way---but the goadin'!) when the Leazes mob moved towards the 'Brolly Boys?' led by 'yee naa who'
"COME AND HAVE A GO AT THE GEORDIE AGGRO!", they yelled as they beckoned the Brolly Boys? to a pagger, but for some reason they declined the offer and before lang the 'Dibble riot squad' moved in tih quell any potential trouble by formin' a line doon the middle of the gangway.

As this was mee thord visit to 'the smoke' to watch 'The Toon' aa was hopin' for a 'thord time lucky win'----BUT!----aa just new that it was'nt gannih be wor day when
'The Hammers' scored in the second minute when 'Clever Trevor' (Brooking) had a shot which was cruely deflected past the stranded Iam McFaul in the Toon goal as he dived the wrang way! (he was aalways a 'jammy B*****D!')




Worse was to follow and after aboot quaata of an hour, West Ham went 2-0 up from a Martin Peters volley, and aall hell broke loose as the home fans goaded the Geordie hordes with chants of "Two nil—Two nil!".

The Boot Boys could'nt 'take it' and 'had a go' at The Brolly Boys' but were beaten back by the 'Dibble', who hit oot with their lang 'stick like' truncheons, which they used to carry back then.

The Toon eventually got on the score sheet with a fluke goal from Wyn Davies.
He centred the baall which went straight into the net past the desparin' Hammers keeper five minutes from time.

But!--- it was aall too late, and the final 'Hammer blow' came just before the full time whistle, when 'World Cup Hero' Geoff Hurst hit their thord tih tek the two points.
(Aye!---anly two points for a win, back then)

After the match wih had tih run a 'gauntlet of hate' as wih made wor way back tih the tube station past the various 'jellied eel' and 'pie and mash' shops and market staalls which lined the road. (jellied eels are a favourite Cockney 'delicacy' but personally aa would'nt recommend it meesel unless yi want to be ill with 'dodgy guts' that is!)




When wih got tih Kings Cross, me and mee mate Billy had tih tek refuge in the stations cafe, when a load of Spurs fans spotted us and threatened tih 'cave wor heeds in'.

The fans were much older (and bigger!) than us, and one kidda in his orly twenties, (aa was still anly fourteen!) had a huge stupid grin on his face and he kept punchin' the palm of his left hand with his right, as though, that's what he was gannin tih dee!, tih wor 'dials' when he got a haad of us!.

---We were terrified!, and were stuck there for quite a while, but!---as luck would have it, and just in the nick of time, 'the cavalry' arrived, when 'Kit Kat' and 'Doddsy' plus their motley crew suddenly appeared and they chased the Spurs fans oot the station, tih 'save wor bacon'!. (their 'stupid grins' had disappeared by this time!)




Then!----we heeded for the 'midneet bells' paper train which was a six hour (plus!) jorney back to the Toon through aall the back of beyond places imaginable, eventually arrivin' at 'The Central' at 'six thorty bells'.
We then had a lang waalk yem after that, as the busses had'nt started runnin' and we did'nt have enough money between us for a taxi.--------Happy days!???




Footnote: three days after this game was played The Kray Twins were sentenced to life imprisonment------ little did 'little me' realise at the time, but aa of course had aalready sorved five years of mee aan 'Newcastle United F.C.' 'life sentence'!
which had started in September1964 against Coventry at home!




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

NUFC 3rd BOTTOM OF THE GOALS TABLE in 89th PLACE!

Posted '4:29pm bells' Tuesday 29th October 2019

ALMIRON MISSES ANOTHAA GLORIOUS CHANCE V WOLVES 

AND SLUMPS OWER AN ADVERTISIN HOARDIN IN DISPAIR!

The NUFC goal drought iz put in perspective by the fact that anly Wotfaad and Bolton Wanabeez with FIVE goals each, have scored less goals in leegue futbaall this season!
We currently sit 89th oot of the 91 leegue clubs with just SIX solitary goals in TEN leegue games!
This, (az we reported yesterday) iz the joint worst in wor entire leegue history, stretchin way back to the NINETEENTH CENTURY! (joint worst with last season!)

£40 million number 9 Joelinton, haz just ONE solitary goal in TEN games, while £21 million forward 'Miggy' Almiron has still to score for us in 20 appearances, since he forst played for us last February! (v Wolves az a sub)

That's SIXTY ONE MILLION QUID for 2 players with 30 appearances between them!---and ONE GOAL! (Joelinton at Sporz)
And to 'fink' that we could have had Rondon for £15 million!

Wor 'beloved'? owner known affectionately az 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans, hasn't been to ONE game this season, which shows that he haz nee interest in us at aall--and just wants to pocket the TV money and have hiz horrible advorts plastered aall ower SJP!

A LONE PROTESTER SHOWS AN ANTI 'FAT CONTROLLER' BANNER

DURIN' THE WOLVES GAME!

WE must suffer the consequences of hiz failed transfor and managerial policies---and have to listen to 'Broken Nose Bruce' sayin that he woz "DELIGHTED" with wor forst half performance v Wolves, which woz far from "DELIGHTFUL!" (beleeeve yoo me!) 

The lang slog continues in "eest Landan" next Saturday, when we play 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham! 
Amazingly we have sold oot the away section, where 3,000 lang sufferin fans will be in attendance!
And guess who WON'T be there????

Have yoo seen this man?

Missing for 11 games!

THE TOON 1 WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ 1 * PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '3:33pm bells' Munday 28th October 2019

"SNORE DRAW!"-"ZZZzzz!!!"😴

Wor heed coach ,'Broken Nose Bruce said, "I was delighted the way way we played in the 1st half!", and added, "We forgot to take part in the 2nd half!"

The first half woz indeed better than the second, BUT it woz hardly 'delightful' as we never had one shot on target except for the heeded goal by Lascelles!---Which made him wor joint top goalscorer of the season! (6 others have scored one goal each!)
Almiron missed a glorious chance to score for the forst time, but hit the side nettin', when it looked much easier to score! (He looked a broken man az he slumpted ower a advertising hordin at The Leazes End, just after hiz miss!) However! A ball boys gave him the 'thumbs up', which woz a nice touch!

The second half woz terrible, like Brucey says, and it woz nee suprize when wor visitors equalised through a Debravka misstayk in the 74th minute!

Before Wolves scored we had a free kick near the home dugout. Rather than try and get anothaa goal to seal victory, we passed the baall BACKWARDS and eventually lost possession!
(CRAZY TACTICS!---that badly backfired!)

The atmosphere woz dire az we watched the last few minutes of the game with just 10 men az Sean Longstaff received a red card for showin' hiz studs in the 83rd minute!--and in the end we were lucky to come away with a point, which lifts us to one point above the drop zone with 10 games played in the Premyaa Leegue!
Wor 6 goals in the 10 leegue games played equals the lowest in wor entire 126 leegue history! (6 goals last season az well!)

The reality iz that az lang az we have 'The Fat Controller' az owner (who wasn't there again!), we will be fightin relegation battles for the foreseeable future!
If we manage to stay up this season, then we will be in exactly the same position next season, fightin for wor lives!

Nuf said!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Fernandez, Clark, Willems, M Longstaff (Atsu 90), Saint-Maximin (Gayle 90), Almiron, Joelinton (Shelvey 85)

Attendance: 46,019 (3,000 Wolves)

PS: The 'MAGnificent 7' joint top goalscorers this season, are:
Shelvey (3-1 defeat at Norwich)
Joelinton (1-0 win at Sporz)
Muto (1-1 v Lestaa in the Leegue Cup where we lost 4-2 on penalties)
Schar (1-1 draw with Wotfaad)
Willems (3-1 defeat at Liverpoool)
Matty Longstaff (1-0 win v Moan U)
Lascelles (1-1 draw v Wolves)


(More to follow when aa get the time!)

THE TOON v WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:47pm bells' Saturday 26th October 2019

'The Ronny Gill' reports that Andy Carroll (pictured above in action!) will MISS wor game against Wolves az he haz felt a slight 'tweek' in hiz groin and 'Broken Nose Bruce' iz takin nee chances and iz restin him!

Fabian Schar iz said to have a knee injury (which iz 'nee' good!)(sic!), while Isaac Hayden iz suspended!
Meeenwhile!---Matt Ritchie and Florian Lejeune have been spotted in trainin' this week and are in contention!

WE reeely must try to win this game and take advantage of  Wolves, who have been on a European adventure to Bratislava on Thorsday! We can anly hope that they are knackered after their lang jorney home!  
Bizarrely, because of a loophole and stadium ban for Bratislava supporters, there will be 21,000 local SCHOOL CHILDREN inside the stadium instead! (Little 'BRATS' no doubt!) (sic!)Anyway!---it doesnt matter aboot that---az lang az we score a few goals on Sunday, which total 5 in 9 Premyaa Leegue games so far!---Failure to score and we will have wor worst goals tally after 10 games in 126 years (since NUFC joined the Futbaall Leegue in 1893!)

But just where will the goals come from?, with Carroll crocked and Joelinton not firin' on aall cylinders! (1 goal in 9 games from wor £40 million man!) and £20 million man 'Miggy' Almiron still to score, since he signed last January, it doesn't look good!  

Meenwhile, NUFC are oot of the bottom 3 thanx to a hat-trick by wor 2nd top goalscorer last season, Ayoze Perez!
Unfortunately it wasn't for 'us', but Lestaa, who annihilated   Sooothampton 0-9 away last neet, to lift us up to 4th bottom in the table on goal difference, withoot kickin a baall! (If anly we had a player like Perez in wor team! (sic!)

If we play like we did against Man U we have a chance--but if we play like we did against Lestaa---we divvint!
A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday---sometime! 

GROUNDS FOR CONCERN!

Posted '4:07pm bells' Thorsday 24th October 2019

SOS---Save Our Stadium!

A decision on whether developers can build tower blocks next to The Gallowgate Stand will be taken by the City cooncil next month!
Local Central Newcasil MP, Chi Onwurah, haz got in on the act and sent a letter (below) against the development, alang with 700 othaas who had objected to to to scheme (including The Geordie Times)
The 10,000 strong 'Newcastle United Supporters Trust' (NUST) have aalso engadged a solicitor and sent objection letters/E mails!

To be honest, we've nevaa had much time for Chi, but we welcome 'with open arms' hor support against the scheme and hope that it will have some impact on the cooncil and help persuade them to 'chuck the application oot'!
Below this iz an article we published just ower a week ago, outlining wor objections!
There iz STILL TIME to send in an objection and the address to send your letters/E mails to oppose the planned tower blocks, iz printed in that article!

Pleeze do so and Save Our Stadium!

LANDLOCKED AND LOVELESS!

Posted '3:00pm bells' Tuesday 15th October 2019

THE OBLITERATED VIEW OF SJP FROM GALLOWGATE

IF THE TOWER BLOCKS ARE ALLOWED TO BE BUILT!

**** AND AZ THE VIEW LOOKS NOW 

FROM CHINATOON!

NUFCs 'beloved'? owner known affectionately az 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans, sold the land behind The Gallowgate End Stand for £9 million to property developers, who want to completely obliterate the views of St. James Park from Gallowgate and Chinatoon by buildin' two massive tower blocks on the land!

One of planned towers, which iz 21 stories high, will be directly behind The Gallowgate End Stand, which means future expansion at this end of the stadium will not be possible, shud the development be given 'the green light' from the City council!

PROPROSED VIEW FROM STRAWBERRY PLACE---NEE WHERE TO GAN!

In other words, the stadium would then be 'landlocked'! (above)

'The Geordie Times' haz sent an e mail to the cooncil, strongly objectin' to the proposed development!
'The Fat Controller' haz got a lot to answer to, for sellin' this prime piece of real estate for a pittance!---HASN'T HE JUST!

If YOO want to help, then send an objection message to Newcasil City cooncil, pleeze do so urgently to try and stop this horrendous development, before it's tooo late!

Their e mail address iz: planning.control@newcastle.gov.uk 
And quote reference: 2019/0879/01/DET

"ALL WE ARE SAYING--IZ GIVE US A GOAL!"

Posted '4:40pm bells' Wedinzday 23rd October 2019

A RARE TOON GOAL AT SPORZ (JOELINTON)

Az we speak-- and after 10 games played in competitive competitions so far this season, NUFC have a record number of goalscorers!---SIX in total, who have scored ONE goal each!
Five in the Premyaa Leegue and one in the Leegue Cup!

Failure to score in wor game v Wolves next Sunday will mean that with just FIVE Premyaa Leegue goals in TEN games, we will have the lowest total in wor entire history, gannin back to wor Leegue debut in 1893---126 years ago! (an average of just half a goal a game!)

Wor joint top goalscorers are:
Jonjo Shelvey: 1 Premyaa Leegue goal
Joelinton: 1 Premyaa Leegue goal
Yoshinori Muto: 1 Leegue Cup goal
Fabian Schar: 1 Premyaa Leegue goal
Jetro Willems: 1 Premyaa Leegue goal
Matty Longstaff: 1 Premyaa Leegue goal

"DRINK, DRINK, WHEREVER YOO MAY BE!"

Posted '4:15pm bells' Tuesday 22nd October 2019

'The Toon' has been confirmed as the place with the most drinkin dens in Ing-er-land, within half a mile of a futbaall groond, with ower 100 pubs in that radius of St. James' Park!
This iz more than THREE TIMES az many az the next best, which iz Newport and Wolves with 32 pubs within half a mile of their respective groonds!

Aaltogeter now!
♫Drink!, drink!, wherever yoo may be!♬
♪We've got the most pubs, az yoo can see!♩
♬And we will drink, wherever we may be!♫
♪From 'The 3 Bulls Heed' to 'The Straw-berry'!♫

SMB U23s v NUFC U23s @ "THE HOLE ON THE HILL!"*** TOONEET!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Munday 21st October 2019
(Updated Tuesday)

WELFARE PARK, EPPLETON CW

Wor U23s travel to Eppleton CW where we are takin on the mackems equivalent in Premyaa Leegue 2 derby match this evenin' at '7:00 bells'!
Eppleton's groond haz been used az a resorve venue for a number of years by the SMBs and iz situated in Hetton the Hole just off the A690 between Durham and sund'lind!
Admission iz £3 for big kids and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframites

Updated Tuesday 22nd October

mackems 0   Geordies 2
An excellent 2-0 win for the Toon U23s last neet at 'The Hole on the Hill' against the SMB U23s!
Luke Charman opened the scorin' from the penalty spot after Fernandez woz upended in the box in the 6th minute!

The mackems were reduced to 10 men from a deliberate hand baall by Taylor in the 24th minute!
It woz still 1-0 to 'us' at half time, despite wor total domination of this half!

A pass from Lewis Cass to Fernandez with just 10 minutes left on the clock woz 'the death nell' for the mackems az he slammed the baall into the net to double wor lead!
Reeely, NUFC shud have had more goals in this totally one sided contest, played oot in front of a sparse crowd, which included not many 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'!

Below iz a match report from the forst time we played there ower 10 years ago---ground 268