A NEW LOW AT SJP!

Posted '4:44pm bells' Tuesday 1st October 2019

52,000 EMPTY SEATS!

Last neet wor U23s side lost 1-0 to Swanzee U23s at St. James' Park to an injury time winner from the Welshmen!
But this wasn't the main talkin' point!
The official attendance woz------364------ the lowest in livin' memory for a resorve game at SJP!

THE WOODEN SPOON RACE IZ HOTTING UP!

Posted '3:29pm bells' Tuesday 1st October 2019

CURRENTLY HELD BY BRYAN ROBSON

Broken Nose Bruce's percentage win rate for a Premyaa Leegue manager/heed coach with more than 200 games in charge haz dropped from 27.88% to 27.82%, following wor 5-0 horror show defeat at Lestaa City. (111 wins from 399 games)
This iz the 2nd worst of any Premyaa Leegue manager/heed coach, behind Bryan Robson who haz a win rate of 26.29%


He haz had 1 win in 7 Premyaa Leegue games at NUFC, which gives Bruce a win rate of 14.28% and he iz catchin Robson up fast with every passin game for the 'Wooden Spoon Trophy'!

"Are yoo reeedin' this 'FAT CONTROLLER!"?

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 5 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '2:45pm bells' Munday 30th September 2019

"SOMEWHERE NEAR STAMFORD STATION!"

"THE STAMFORD CHAINSAW MASSACRE!"

A train to Peterboro at '8:55am bells' from 'The Central' and then onward to Lestaa from there, woz wor preferred route for this game!--A train strike had thankfully been caalled off just 2 days before and we were hopin' for a 'hassle free' jorney to Lestaa and back, az wor previous 3 train trips had numerous mishaps!

We had a quick 'gargel' in here, opposite |Peterboro station,

before catchin' the next train to Lestaa

THE HIND, opposite Lestaa station

We arrived in good time and heeded across the road from the station for the forst 'liquid lubrications' of the day! (Not includin' 4 cans of Woodpecker on the train on the way doon!---plus the short stopover at Peterboro)

It woz then onward to wor 'fave haunt' roond theeze parts, which woz The Regent Club on the way to the groond!
We left the club anly to find that the rain woz porin doon and were in 2 minds to get a taxi to the ground which woz a 15 minute walk away!----We foolishly decided to walk and by the time we were halfway there we were liked drowned rats!-----A taxi woz passin and so we flagged it doon in deseration, to take us to az near to the away end az possible!

VIEW FROM ROW 'M', SEAT 382, IN THE AWAY SECTION

NUFC started off OK and we attacked the end where wor fans were, but it soon became evident that this woz 'a flash in the pan' az Lestaa went for 'the jugular' az the incessant rain poured doon!

The deadlock woz broken in the 16th minute when Perreira strode through wor defence and fired in a shot which beat Dubravka in the Toon goal az it hit the corner of the net!
We lost wor shape after this and in the 43rd minute Hayden woz given hiz marchin orders with a bad tackle on Praet and we were doon to 10 men for the rest of the game!

DARK SKIES AND TORRENTIAL RAIN!

We were terrible in the 2nd period and it woz nee suprize when The Basil Brush Brigade went on the rampage!

4 2nd half goals 'sunk us withoot trace' az the torrential rain poured doon!----The worst performance here since aa forst went to their old abode in nearby Filbert Street in the orly 1970s!

The dreaded 'R' word iz now a real possibility az we sit 2nd bottom of the table with just one (lucky) win at Sporz after 7 games played!

After the match it had thankfully stopped rainnin' and we heeded back to The Regent Club for a quick gargle before catchin the train back to Peterboro!
The plan woz to have a few pints there before heedin yem--BUT! az we were in Oakham station an announcement came ower the trains tannoy!
"THERE'S A TREE BLOCKING THE LINE JUST BEFORE STAMFORD STATION AND WE ARE STUCK HERE UNTIL IT IS MOVED!" (Yi couldn't make it up!) (Now we know why they call this a 'BRANCH' line (sic!)

After 30 more minutes and the clock 'tickin' to catch wor connection back from Peterboro, anothaa announcement came ower the tannoy!

"RAIL WORKERS ARE AT THIS MOMENT CUTTING THE TREE UP WITH CHAINSAWS AND HOPEFULLY WE WILL SOON BE ON OUR WAY!" (The Stamford chainsaw massacre, perhaps!) (With 'massacre' refferin' to wor heavy defeat!)
But it woz too late by this time to catch wor connection and we finally rolled into Peterboro station just az the 125 train to The Toon woz leavin' on anothaa platform! (We'd obviously chosen the wrang 'root' from Lestaa! (double sic!)

We were stuck there for anothaa hour and after a few 'gargels' in a hostelry nearby, we eventually caught the '11:00 bells' train instead 

THE BREWERY TAP, PETERBORO

---arriving back on Tyneside at 12:40am bells' on Sunday mornin'!--some 6 hours after leavin Lestaa!---The FOURTH time in a row that we have suffered disruption on the trains to away games!
Chelski in London iz wor next Premyaa Leegue train jorney away----wot can possibly gan wrang this time??????

Toon team: (who didn't torn up!) Dubravka, Krafth, Dummett, Lascelles, Schar, Hayden, Saun Longstaff, Almiron (Yedlin 74), Atsu, Joelinton (Carroll 63), Muto (Ki 45)

Attendance: 32,168 (2,650 Toon fans who sang their hearts oot in the 2nd half--despite the scoreline!---they don't deserve us!)


Footnote: Lestaa'z nickname iz 'The Foxes', Basil Brush iz a fox, hence 'The Basil Brush Brigade'! (get it?) "Boom!-Boom!"

PS: 'Broken Nose Bruce's odds at bein the forst Premyaa Leegue manager to be sacked have been slashed from 14/1 to 4/1
*

THIS BANNER IN THE AWAY END, SEZ IT AALL!

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE V THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2:55pm bells' Saturday 28th September 2019

We heed for the delights of The Walkers 'Crisp' Stadium (aka Kingpower) where we are aimin' for a '3rd win on the spin' here!

Andy Carroll, Sean Longstaff, St Maximin and Yedlin are aall available, but Shelvey is knackered!

NUFC have sold wor allocation of 2,650 tickets, which is 300 less than we were allocated last season?
(More demand from Lestaa fans nee doubt!

We are on an orly train in the mornin and hopefully there are nee problems like wor last 3 away trips by train!(A planned rail strike for Sunday haz been called off!)

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Munday!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

"IT'S JUST LIKE BREXIT!"

Posted '3:19pm bells' Friday 27th September 2019

46 PAGES OF 'INACCCURATE' 'DROSS'! 😴

News that yet anothaa NUFC takeower iz deein the roonds haz reached The Geordie Times HQ!

Peter Kenyon's name haz been bandied aboot (again!) az he iz said to be frontin' an American consortium aboot buyin NUFC from 'The Fat Controller'!

THE MAIN 'PLAYERS'

An inaccurate glossy brochure haz been produced, claimin' that NUFC have won major honours this century (The Inter Toto Cup!) and have been in the top flight of English futbaall 87 oot of the last 89 years? (22 years have actually been spent ootside the top flight in that time!)
It aalso 'boasts' that we won The Charity Shield 110 years ago! ("WOW!")

Amazingly it aalso it says that 'Broken Nose Bruce' will be retained az heed coach, due to hiz unparalled success in Europe? (He haz just once  qualified for Europe az a manager/heed coach, when Hull appeared in The Europa Leegue after finishin' runners up in the FA Cup in 2014  (They lost to Belgian club Lokeren in a play off roond!) (Iz this wot yoo caall 'unparalled European success'???)

'We', the fed up fans, will be last to know of any takeower, of course---and like it said in the 'brochure', we take it aall with 'a cynical pinch of salt'!---just like BREXIT!---"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"😴

FEEL THE STRAIN AND TAKE THE TRAIN!

Posted '3:00pm bells' Wedinzday 25th September 2019
Updated '1:40pm bells' Thorsday

News that there iz to be train disruption yet again for Toon fans travellin' to Lestaa on Sunday, haz reached 'The Geordie Times'!
Industrial strike action meenz that 'Cross Country' iz cuttin' sorvices which will affect certain trains!

This will be the FOURTH time in the FOUR away games we have played so far this season, where wor travel plans will have been disrupted!

Away day one---Nohrich: Industrial action by RTM workers on the 'Peterborough to Nohrich line', meant that we had to get SIX trains to Norfolk and back!

Away day two---Sporz: With King's Cross in London closed for improvements and nee train from Peterborough to London on the 'East Coast line', we were forced to drive to Stockport near Manchester and get a 'West Coast line' train to Euston in London---and dee the same on the retorn jorney!

Away day three---The Liverbirds: We had a direct train to Liverpool--BUT!!!-- the train developed a major fault and we were forced to get off at Manchester and wait for half an hour to catch a 2nd train to Lime Street! (in Liverpool) (wastin' valuable drinkin' time in the process!) 

Away day four---Lestaa: A train strike on Sunday by 'Cross Country' trains workers, meenz that wor travel plans will be disrupted yet again, az there iz a severely reduced sorvice and we will just have to 'play it by ear' to get there and back!

"ARE WE JINXED---OR WOT!???"

*Updated on Thorsday

Followin huge pressure from The Geordie Times the train strike haz been caalled off!
So yoo have us to thank us for this 'U' turn!

"THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!"

Posted '2:44pm bells' Tuesday 24th September 2019

"HELLO!---NUFC TICKET OFFICE!---
CAN I PURCHASE 50 TICKETS FOR 
'THE DURHAM REDS'--ER!-'MAGS', PLEASE!"

*"DOUBLE (TROUBLE!) STANDARDS!"

News that tickets have been put on general sale for wor game with Moan United on Sunday 6th October, tells yoo everything aboot the low attendances so far this season, az many fans boycott games!

Moan U, az usual, have sold their entire allocation of 3,100 away tickets, but now any fan of any club who possesses a mobile "telling bone" can now purchase tickets in any othaa parts of the groond, because of low ticket sales in the home sections!

Personal callers can also purchase tickets from the NUFC ticket office and az there are a canny few Moan U gloryhunter fans who live in the north east, there are bound to be quite a few of their fans in the home sections!--which in turn, will ignite trouble shud they score forst!

When we played 'The Liverbirds' on the last day of last season, their fans infiltrated the home sections and trouble broke oot when they scored, despite sales to NUFC fans only!

Toon fans were told that if they sold their ticket to them, they would be banned and lose their season tickets---yet because we are now so desperate to fill thoosands of empty seats, any 'Tom, Dick or Moan U fan', can now buy them!
A disgraceful 'double standards' decision from NUFC!

Below is a letter from fans protest group, 'ToonForChange', to the ticket office manager Stephen Tickle <(no! this isn't a typing error), which woz sent yesterday, when tickets went on general sale!
This iz no laughing matter, Mr 'Tickle'!!!

*And one ticket website iz offerin' 339 tickets for sale to anybody who haz 'the bit' to buy them! (at extorshanit prices!)----
A few for the away end, but most for the home sections!

*

FA CUP 3rd QUALIFYIN' ROOND DRAW!

Posted '4:50pm bells' Munday 23rd September 2019

The draw for the FA Cup 3rd qualifyin' roond woz made at dinnatime today and we can tell yoo that the anly local team to be drawn at home are 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston, who will play eethaa Colne or Ossett Toon at Federation Park (aka UTS Stadium) on Saturday October 5th!
The good news iz that NUFC don't play til the followin' day against Moan U at SJP, so a good crowd iz expected (600-700) (including 'little old me') Admission will be £7 for big kids and £4 for sprogs and zimmerframeites (like me!)

Othaa local teams wornt so lucky in the draw and Morpeth must travel to Nantwich, The Spartans of Blyth are away to Hedensford IF they can beat Curzon Ashton in a replay, 'Anymore for' Spennymoor' are at Ashton United and Gatesheed must travel to Kidsgrove (nee kiddin'!)

"STATING THE BLINDINGLEEE OBVIOUS!"

Posted '11:08am bells' Munday 23rd September 2019

'Broken Nose Bruce' came oot with the followin' statement after wor horror show against Brightin on Saturday:

"The only thing we can try to do is to win games!" (dire 0-0 draw)
"We understand that!" (pathetic performance!)
"We'll try!" (must try harder, Steve!)

"It's the only way you can try to get people back!" (The anly way yoo will get people back iz if we get rid of YOO and wor 'beloved owner'? 'The Fat Controller'!)

Aboot the 'alledged' attendance of 43,000 (more like 40,000) "The way to try and get a few people back is to win matches!" 
(1 win in 7 games! and none  in 4 at SJP (includin' the penalty shootout defeat v Lestaa in The Leegue Cup!)

Bruce, on team bein' boood off
"I can understand the frustration. Against a decent Brighton side!"  (Brightin!---a 'decent side'? who haven't won since the forst day of the season!)

Lets get something straight!---99.9% of NUFC fans reeely DO want Bruce to succeed---we reeeely DO!---But 99.9% of us didn't want him in the forst place! az hiz track record (below) speaks volumes of hiz past managerial abilities!---or lack of them!


'Broken Nose Bruce's Premyaa Leegue percentage win record at NUFC iz now!----16.67% (1 win in 6 games)

Hiz record for managers with 200 games or more in The Premyaa Leegue iz ZERO trophies, 3 relegations, (Hull and Bormingham, plus he woz sacked by the mackems before they went doon!)
He's had 111 wins in 398 games, which gives him an oweraall percentage win rate of!----27.8---anly 'bettered' by Bryan Robson who managed a percentage win rate of just 26.8 
<*(ie: 'Brucey' iz catchin' 'Robbo' up fast for 'the wooden spoon trophy'!)

THE TOON 0 NEE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTIN 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '11:30am bells' Sunday 22nd September 2019

ANDY CARROLL EVENTUALLY COMES ON IN THE 81st MINUTE (near touchline) 

"ZZZZzzzz!"

This woz one of the worst first half performances ever seen by a Toon team at SJP yesterday teatime!
The anly efforts of note came half way through the half when Almiron burst through Brightin's defence, but shot straight at their goalie to deny him hiz forst ever Toon goal in 15 games of tryin'! (Or is it 16?) 
And then just before the break £40 million man Joelinton heeded wide when it looked easier to score! (he haz scored just 1 goal in 6 starts, now!)
We had 'nee shape' az the away team pounded The Gallowgate goal in the openin' exchanges and indeed throughout the half!

NUFC were very lucky indeed to gan in level at the break, after 'Nee Where Near' Brightin spurned several chances to take the lead and there were loud boos at the end of the half! (their groond iz miles away in the countryside--hence 'Nee Where Near'!)

The first half of the second half woz just the same and things anly changed when 'Broken Nose Bruce' belatedly brought on 2 subs in the 73rd minute!----Namely, St Maximin and Ki who both changed the game instantly az we attacked The Gallowgate goal!
Schar then brilliantly 'acrobatically' cleared a shot from the goaline at The Leazes End late on to deny Brightin the goal they undoubtedly deserved!

'The Gatesheed Angel' Andy Carroll finally got onto the pitch in the 81st minute to the loudest cheer of the match, with chants of, "He's one of our own!", from the Toon faithful!

He had a couple of chances, but couldn't find the net and yet another stalemate against relegation fodder woz the outcome!

The team woz boooed off at full time as well, but the boos wornt az loud az at the end of the first half---indicatin' that we had played slightly better near the end!
Small comfort for the 'alledged' 43,000 crowd!

With a trio of games against teams near the top to come soon (Lestaa, Moan U and Chelski), things are lookin' bleak to say the least!

Stats: We have never scored against Brightin in the top flight at home in 3 attempts and haven't beaten them in 5 attempts home or away!

Possession woz 20/80 in wor visitors favour, which just aboot sums it up!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Schar, Lascelles, Dummett, Willems (Carroll 81), Almiron (St. Maximin 73), Hayden, Shelvey (Ki 73), Atsu, Joelinton

Attendance: 43, 316? (including 1,300 away fans)
It looked a lot less than 43,000 and season ticket holders who didn't torn up were still included in the attendance!

*PS: The Geordie Times pageviews have been much lower than usual----a result of negative (but true) reports by 'us', nee doubt!