KYLE & JAKE IN TOON!

Posted '12:54pm bells' Munday 29th July 2019

Kyle Scott (left) and Jake Turner

DEVELOPMENT SQUAD PLAYERS?---PERHAPS?

NUFC have made two more signings today to bring the total to three!
Midfielder Kyle Scott aged 21 from Chelski and goalie Jake Turner aged 20 from Bolton Wanabeez, who are both FREE transfors!

Kyle haz made just ONE senior appearance in an FA Cup tie v Hull, while Jake haz had loan spells at Frickley Athletic, Stalybridge Celtic and Darlo, but haz never played in Bolton's forst team! 

Just why we need anothaa goalkeeper iz beyond us, az we aalready have Mark Dubravka, Karl Darlow, Freddie Woodman and Dan Langley between 'the sticks' at forst team and resorve team level??? (And at junior level we have anothaa 4 goalies az well!) 

PRESTON DEAD END 2 THE TOON XX 1 *** FRIENDLY FIXTURE

Posted '10:56am bells' Sunday 27th July 2019

SHELVEY FREE KICK WHICH GAVE NUFC THE LEAD

"TOON WASHED AWAY IN THE WASHOOT!"

Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times' on Friday, NUFC used 20 players in this game, fieldin' nearly 2 completely different teams in each half, az we went doon 2-1 in aaful monsoon conditions in deepest Lancashire. (And in complete contrast the home side used just 11 players, with nee substitutes!)

The Toon wore wor new dark green and black away strip and Jonjo Shelvey gave NUFC the lead in the 39th minute, with a 30 yard free kick, which screamed into the net!

A penalty woz then awarded in the very orly stages of the 2nd half when new boy Joelinton woz fouled in the box in this forst ever attack, with just 27 seconds of hiz debut, on the clock!

Almiron took it, but hiz soft effort woz easily saved by the Preston keeper!
WE then gave away a penalty for hand baall, but Preston's Gallagher made ne missteak to level the tie.

A 2nd penalty woz then given away by Joelinton who fouled a Preston player in the box, and again Gallagher made nee mistayk, to give the very average Championship side the lead.
They held on til full time and wor new 'general dogsbody' and heed coach 'Broken Nose Bruce' suffered hiz forst defeat, in hiz forst official game in the dugoot! (He woz at wor 2nd game in Chinaa when we beat West Ham 1-0 in Shanghai, but had to watch on from the stands because of visa restrictions!)

Several more signings are needed for certain, or else a relegation battle will surely ensue! (Accordin' to Bruce after the defeat, we have "One or two irons in the fire!", regardin' transfor targets!) (One or two?---we need five or six at least, Brucey baby!)

Toon team: (deep breath!) Woodman, Manquillo, Sterry, Dummett, Clark, Fernandez, Schar, Laselles, Ritchie, Ki, M Longstaff, S Longstaff, Hayden, Colback, Shelvey, Murphy, Muto, Almiron, Aarons, Joelinton

Not suprizingleee considerin' the weather conditions, a 'crowd' of just 4,982 torned up, includin' 1,359 Toon fans in 'The Bill Shankly Stand'!

*'BRUCE'S EXCUSES' part 1:
Old 'Broken Nose' aalso said that, "Preston were at least ten days ahead of us", regardin' the defeat! (whatever THAT excuse iz supposed to mean???) 

PRESTON DEAD END v THE TOON XX11 *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON !

Posted '2:37 pm bells' Friday 26th July 2019

"THE GREENHORNS ON TOUR!"

Tomorrow NUFC heed for the delights of deepest Lancashire when we take on Preston in a friendly fixture at Deepdale where we will be wearin' wor new dark green and black away strip!

New boy Joelinton (and anly new signing, so far!) iz expected to play some part in the game, which iz sure to be a team of '2 halves' az at least 20 Toon players are expected to get some game time (we used 19 players in Chinaa in both games!)

With less than 2 weeks to the transfor deadline, we reeely DO need a few more new faces in wor team before we play 'The Arse' in wor forst game of the season at SJP on Sunday August 11th

'The Geordie Times' will of course have a match report on the PNE 'kickabout' sometime on Sunday!
Az per usual "Watch this space!"

PS: NUFC's odds to win the Premyaa Leegue are 250/1  which puts us in 10th place according to the bookies!

HAPPY FAMILIES!

Posted '2:29pm bells' Thorsday 25th July 2019

LETS HOPE THAT BRUCE ISN'T A 'FLY BY NIGHT'?

*News reaches 'The Geordie Times' a day late?, that wor beloved? owner, known affectionatly? to Toon fans az 'The Fat Controller', flew to wor Benton trainin groond yesterday in hiz helicopter, to meet wor new 'heed coach' (but NOT manager!) for the 2nd (SECOND!) time in a week!
This iz half number of times that he met Rafa Benitez in three and a half years (4 meetings!)

We can anly come to the conclusion that 'The Fat Controller' didn't like Rafa from the start and woz pleased to get rid of a manager who simply wouldn't 'tow the line' and 'do az he woz told'!

'Broken Nose Bruce' iz the exact opposite and 'fits the bill porfectly' of a *subservient <(we naa aall the big words!), who 'WILL do az he iz told'!

Bruce even said that he had the 'final say' on wor new record signing Joelinton, who he'd NEVER seen play---and didn't realise the Brazilian couldn't speak a word of Inglish, until an interpreter translated Joe's words in the hastily arranged press conference at the trainin' groond!

AYE! this appointment looks like a case of 'Happy families' for certain and we can anly hope and pray that many more much needed signings by 'somebody else' happen in the next 2 weeks, before the summer transfor window closes!

We aall support NUFC and whoever iz in charge, we wish them well! (We've got no choice have we?)
Pardew, McClaren, Carver, and Joke Kinnear aall tried ---and failed miserably----lets hope that 'this time' it doesn't end in tears!

*'Subsevient' meaning = 'Prepared to obey others unquestioningly'

JOE'S IN TOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 24th July 2019

Nee expense haz been spared to give wor new record signin' 2 (TWO!) Toon tops! (They are £65 each!)

                               JOELINTON'S THE ONE ON THE RIGHT, BY THE WAY!

'GLIMMER OF LIGHT' BREAKIN' NEWS!

Posted '4:45pm bells' Tuesday 23rd July 2019

BLOND HAIRED JOELINTON SPOTTED AT ST. JAMES' PARK ORLIER TODAY!

News that Brazilian Joelinton haz had a medical at NUFC and that a club record 40 million poond fee haz been agreed with Jawman club Hoffenheim, haz reached The Geordie Times!
These are desperate moves to try and shift a few more season tickets with just 16 days of the transfor window left!

JOELINTON IN TOON TOP

We can anly hope that there are a few more 'bodies' through the door before then, or else we will be in serious trouble!

Joelinton's scorin' record and details below

PREDICTABLE UNDERHAND DIRTY TRIX!

Posted '3:03pm bells' Tuesday 23rd July 2019

"STUFF YOUR JOB!---I'M GANNIN TO NUFC!"

News that Sheff Wed are to report NUFC to the Premyaa Leegue after the dirty trix played on them by 'Broken Nose Bruce' and 'The Fat Controller', comes az nee suprize to us!

Wedinsday gave Bruce companionate leave when they appointed him and gave him time off to gan to Barbados to watch the cricket with hiz faathaa in law in January after family bereavements --they said he could take the reigns in February instead!

Six months later he stabbed them in the back by waalkin oot on them to take ower The Toon!

Wor beloved? owner 'The Fat Controller' and hiz MD 'Penfold' (he looks like the cartoon character!) didn't even bothaa contactin' Sheff Wed aboot 'Broken Nose' and hiz back room staff---and instead leaked it to the tabloids, that they wanted him/them!

Bruce foond oot of course---and woz told that he would have to resign if he wanted the Toon job, az the Sheffeeeld club said they wanted up to £5 million compensation for Bruce, plus more for hiz back room staff!
'Broken Nose' and hiz team duly did resign, which did not pleeze the Wedinzday owner or fans one bit!

'The Fat Controller' then told the media that Bruce woz wor new heed coach, withoot havin' the decency to contactin' the Sheff Wed owner forst, to tell him!
More predictable underhand dirty trix by wor owner!

Wot a fiasco to get wor SIXTH choice 'puppet on a string' manager/heed coach, who haz the 2nd worst Premyaa Leegue record after Bryan Robson for takin' charge of 250 plus top flight games!

LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING!

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 22nd July 2019

GUESS WHO?

"I'LL TELL YOO A STORY----JACKANORY!"


Wor new manager/heed coach/general dogsbody/yes man, 'Broken Nose Bruce', haz said that he WILL have a say in incoming transfors and that he iz NOT a puppet for wor 'beloved,? owner 'The Fat Controller'!
(Do yoo believe him???)

We honestly divvint believe anything that anybody says at the club anymore, with lies and broken promises 'a plenty' not kept!

ie: 'The Fat Controller' said this in May 2016
"I'm not leaving til we win a major trophy---and that includes a place in THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE!"
(Do yoo believe him???)

Before Rafa left, NUFC were 10th favourites for relegation, which then moved to 6th favourites for the drop after Rafa departed, at 21/10

Since 'Broken Nose' woz appointed we moved to 2/1 and now 15/8 for the drop, which iz 4th equal worst with Bornley to 'gan the distance'!

That meeenz that a 16th or 17th place finish iz predicted by the bookies!

The 3 teams favourite for the drop are: 
8/13 Sheff Utd
5/6 Norwich
11/8 Villa

'BROKEN NOSE BRUCE' ARRIVES

BACK FROM CHINAA!

Aaltogether now!

"I wonder if one day, that you'll say that, you care,

if you love me madly, I'll gladly be there,

like a puppet on a string!"

ASIA CUP 3rd/4th PLACE PLAY OFF***THE TOON 1 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0

Posted '10:40am bells' Sunday 21st July 2019

TOON FANS CELEBRATE WITH A CUP THEY WON IN A PUB QUIZ!

With 'Broken Nose Bruce' consigned to the stand az he didn't have the necessary visa to sit in the dugout, it woz left for Ben Dawson to take 'the reigns' once again!

A much better performance followed against The Jellied Eels Mob of West Ham, after the 4-0 hammerin by Wolves 4 days before.
Sorenson went close orly on when he woz put through by Muto but he hit a screamer ower the bar and into the crowd!

The one and anly goal of the game came in the 34th minute when a through baall from Jamie Sterry foond Muto and he somehow managed to steer the baall past the West Ham goalie to send the well under capacity crowd wild with delight!

The crowd included once again a few of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' and International RUSScue haz sent The Geordie Times a few photos, which we have gladly reproduced in this report! (As per usual in pre season friendlies, a total of 19 Toon players and 19 West Ham players got some 'game time'!)

THE CHINEEEZ BRANCH OF THE NUFC SUPPOTERS CLUB!

So it woz a thord place finish for The Toon in the 4 team tournament (Wolves beat Man City in the final on penalties)
If anly we could finish thord top in the Premyaa Leegue----az lang az its not thord bottom! 

MOON GLOOM FOR TOON!

Posted '9:25 pm bells' Saturday 20th July 2019

50 years ago today, man landed on the moon!
NUFC haven't won a major trophy since then!
"ITS AALL NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAULT!"😳

"One small step for man!
One giant leap back for NUFC!"😳