THE PORFECT WEEKEND! *** SO FAR!

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 11th March 2018

The Premyaa Leegue results ower the weekend have AALL went in wor favour for a change!

Wot we 'wished for' and actually happened, woz az follows!:

We wanted Everton to beat Brighton and they did!
We wanted Lestaa to beat WBA and they did!
We wanted Bornley to beat WHU and they did!
We wanted Chelski to beat Palace and they did!
We wanted 'uddersfield and Swanzee to draw so they both dropped 2 points---and they did!
And finally we wanted The Toon to beat Sooothampton (beleeeve it or not!) ---and we DID!

Tooneet 'The P*ss Potts' of Stoke are at home to Man C----an away win pleeeze!🙏

Updated 11 40pm bells at Woodall sorvices truck park M1

Aall wor wishes have come true az we wanted Stoke to lose to Man City and they did!!!

The porfect weekend for us!

THE TOON 3 THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '10:52am bells' Sunday 11th March 2018

"KENEDY FOR PRESIDENT! --- TRUMP OOT!"

"KENEDY IN!"

"TRUMP OOT!

We won the 'must win game' in style at St James' Park yesterday and it shud have been more against a p*ss poor Sooothampton side who had won just 1 game oot of the last 16 before they played us!

Thick fog engulfed Tyneside az the game kicked off and it took us just 66 seconds to open the scorin' when an absolutleee surperb lob from Jonjo Shelvey foond Kenedy who chested the baall doon and torned brilliantly to hit a left footed shot past McCarthy in the Sooothampton goal at The Leazes End!

(A contender for goal of the season for sure!) (See photo below from mee camera phone!) We understand that the roar of the crowd could be hord from the Gatesheed game v Maidenheed across the Tyne at the International Stadium 2 miles away!
(The Heed won 7-1 incidently!---that's GatesHEED!)

A Shelvey run then foond Dwight Gayle just a couple of minutes later, but he shot straight at McCarthy and the chance woz gone!

However! and just on the half hour mark a Perez pass foond Gayle who unselfishly gave to 'President' Kenedy and he had the simple task of sidefootin' the baall into the net to give us a 2 goal cushion!

Sooothampton and their 1,600 fans were totally demorilised by this time, az we went for a 3rd before the break, but somehow we couldnt find the net again!
(HT 2-0)

We completed the porfect day az the fog drifted ower the ground, when yet anothaa superb pass from Shelvey on the edge of the box fell to Matt Richie, who fired home with hiz left foot at The Gallowgate End!

3-0 and 3 precious points for sure that lifts us 5 points from the drop zone!
In particular both Shelvey and Kenedy had ootstandin' games!

Geordie Times fact file: We've anly lost 2 Leegue games this year v Man C and The Liverbirds away!

Aaltogether now! "THE FOG ON THE TYNE IZ AALL MINE AALL MINE!"

ONE SUNDAY NEWSPAPER EVEN
COPIED WOR 'PRESIDENT KENEDY'
HEADLINE!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejeune, Dummett, Ritchie, Shelvey (Merino 83), Diame, Kenedy (Atsu 78), Perez, Gayle (Joselu 69)

Attendance: 52,246 (1,600 Sooothampton fans who made a 320 mile wasted jorney from the south coast!)

'The Simon Templar Mob'---an explanation!
Simon Templar (Roger Moore) played 'The Saint' in the 1960's hit telly programme---Sooothampton of course are nicknamed 'The Saints' 

Wor "I'm feelin' a bit parched!---lets gan on the hoy in March!" drinkin ' marathon continued in The Bodega, The Leazes End Club, The Strawberry and The Premyaa Inn before and after the match!

Othaa results went wor way in a 'porfect day' with fans in revolt at West Ham in particular!

A West Ham pitch invader insists that

they MUST take their corners from the centre spot!

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted from '1:00pm bells' onwards on Thorsday 8th March 2018
Updated Saturday

THE FAMOUS STRAWBERRY BOOZER!

(PIC TAKEN BY WOR PAPARAZZI PHOTOGRAPHER

'THE SILVER FOX' FROM

THE GALLOWGATE END CONCOURSE)

On Saturday we face a crucial 'six pointer' from wor game with 'The Simon Templar Mob' at SJP
The game iz a selloot with wor visitors bringin' 1,600 fans (half wot they could have had!)
They have anly won 1 of their last 16 games and are 1 point and 1 place below us in the table!

Jonjo Shelvey iz facin' a race against time to make the game, while absent striker Islam Slimani iz STILL unavailable, despite signin' for us in the January transfor window on loan from Lestaa!-

NUFC are hopin'? he will be fit to play against 'uddersfield at the end of the month---but then he must 'sit' the next game oot az it's away against hiz 'parent club'!!! (Wot a shambles!)

In total contrast, Alekander Mitrovic, who iz on loan to Fulim iz "on fire!" and scorin' goals for fun!----we could de with him back pleeze!----(just WHY did we let him gan on loan in the forst place, when we were desperate for someone to stick the baall into the back of the net iz a total mystery to us???  (Yi couldn't make it up!---could yi?) 

We reeely MUST win this or else we could find worsels in the bottom 3 come Sunday evenin'!

PS:  In total contrast to the mackems, wor game v 'uddersfield in 3 weeks time iz a complete selloot and AALL TIERS of wor stadium will be open!
(The SMBs are shuttin the top tiers of the SOS from next season due to lack of interest!)

SMB U23s v THE TOON U23s @ THE SOS!

Posted '12:40pm bells' Wednesday 7th March 2018   updated Friday

THE 'VIEW' AZ YOO APPROACH THE SOS

("ARE THEY PEOPLES HOOSES!?")

Toneet wor U23s heed for wearyside where we will take on the mackems in (deep breath!) The Premyaa Leegue International Cup qwaataa finals!

Personally aa try to avoid gannin to 'the dark place', unless wor 1st team are in action--and this will be the case again toneet at 7 bells!

The game haz been moved from Eppleton FC in Hetton the Hole to allow more fans to attend!
Instead of the usual 30,000 empty pink seats (like last neet!) they expect to set a new 'record' of 47,000 empty seats!
(The 'official' attendance last neet when they lost 3-0 to Villa woz given az 26,000, which included 2,000 Villa fans.
But the match reporter said that there were anly aroond 16,000 present, az they included thoosands of season ticket holders who never torned up!

"We'll support you ever more!"

Or NOT az the case may be!"

(Woz the crowd 26,000 OR 26?)

By the end of the game there WERE 47,000 empty pink seats az this photo shows when Villa were 2-0 up!

If YOO decided to gan, unlike me, then its £3 for big kids and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites!

We will of course bring yoo the result via Woodall sorvices truck park on the M1 at aroond aboot 11pm bells!

Update az promised from Woodall

NUFC won 11-10 on penalties after extra time!
It woz 2-2 at full time with Good and Roberts gettin wor goals in front of 300 (plus) delighted Toon fans!☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😆

OWER 300 TOON DIEHARDS WENT LAST NEET!

THEY WERE SURROONDED BY
47,000  sUND'LIND FANS,
DISGUISED AZ EMPTY PINK SEATS!

Updated Friday
"THE TROPHY TRAIL!"

Ne official attendance, but it haz been wildly reported that the 'crowd' numbered ne more than 750

Toon 'fans'? vanalised some seats and the tool shed!
One 'fan'? woz reported to have taken hiz seat 'trophy' onto the Metro!
Just why anybody would want a broken pink seat iz beyond us!
Perhaps he hung hiz 'souviner' on hiz bedroom waall when he got yem!?

We can anly assume that he haz the brain of a demented sheep!😨

I'VE GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 6th March 2018
😨
Woz listenin to the 2nd half of the Palace v Moan U match on mee truck radio last neet and hord that Palace were winnin 1-0

It woz soon 2-0 which meant that they would gan above us into 13th place from 18th if they won!

Moan U pulled 1 back---and then anothaa!---and then into stoppage time they got the winner and I actually raised my fist into the air az I woz drivin up the M42 near Tamworth and said: "GET IN!"

I cant beleeeve that I actually celebrated a Moan U win, but it meant that Palace were still in a relegation place!

TIMES ARE DESPERATE INDEED!!!😨

THE LIVERBIRDS 2 THE TOON 0 **** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '10 32am bells' Sunday 4th March 2018
onwards!

"TALES OF THE EXPECTED!" (Again!)

(Brief match report on train(s) back)

Anothaa 'white flag of surrender game' where we tried to contain 'The Liverbirds'--but predicably we failed miserably az we watched on from row 31 in The Anfield Road End with wor view restricted by the roof above (see photos!)

We lasted til the 40th minute when Salah shot and it defected off Dubravka and into the net!

Mo Diame nearly equalised a minute later, but hiz shot woz tipped aroond the post by Karlus in the home goal!---wor best chance of the match!

After the break we conceded again in the 55th when Mane fired home in front of The Kop!

It woz 'white flag time' and no way back az wor powder puff attack failed to dent the home sides defence!

An overdressed Toon fan!

It could have been worse az The Liverbirds went for more, but thankfully they couldnt add any more and wor goals against column woz anly slightly dented!

Othaa results went wor way (apart from Brighton's win on Sunday!) and we are still 2 points above the drop zone in 16th place!

Geordie Times fact file:
We have now played 5 of the so caalled 'top 6'  away from home and lost the lot!
1-4 v Man U, 1-3 v Chelski (0-3 in FA Cup!), 0-1 v The Arse, 1-3 v Man C and 0-2 v The Liverbirds!
We anly have Sporz to play away now oot of the 'top 6'! (Thank God for smaall mercies!)

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Dummett, Atsu, Merino (Hayden 73), Diame, Kenedy, Murphy (Perez 84), Gayle (Joselu 66)

Attendance: 53,287 (2,950 Toon fans)

For "I'm feelin a bit parched!---so lets gan 'on the hoy' in March!" and travel disaster report(s), scroll doon to next 2 articles!

I'M FEELIN A BIT PARCHED---LETS GAN ON 'THE HOY' IN MARCH! v THE LIVERBIRDS!

Posted '8am bells' Saturday 3rd March 2018-----onwards!

We continue wor 'binge' in the month of March in Liverpoool!
The 9 10bells train woz on time???

Matthew Street, Liverpoool!

Toon fans watch a band in The Cavern Club!

Later on The Beatles made an appearance!

(Honest!)

THE BEATLES USED TO DRINK IN THIS PUB ON MATTHEW STREET AFTER GIGS

NUFC lost 2  0 and the drownin of the sorrows took place here post match!

The mornin aftaa the neet before (in Warrington coz hotel woz £32 a room.

In Liverpoool it woz £200!)

We had to change trains at 'uddersfield and nipped oot the station for a quick 'liquid lubrication'! (Az yi de!)

A statue of Harold Wilson the former primeminister in a snow covered square near 'uddersfield station!

(He woz born here!)

We were delayed an hour at 'uddersfield and caught the next train to the Toon---BUT! the train termanated at Darlo unexpectedly and we had to get off and wait 30 mins for yet anothaa train and we arrived back on Tyneside some FIVE HOURS after leavin Warrington--- a 3 hour journey, normally!

Who wud be a Toon fan!

See next article doon for my ROAD problems on Friday!

Full match report on Sunday or Munday  (gannin on 'the hoy' when aa get back yem later today!😨

WEATHER WATCH **** THE LIVERBIRDS v THE TOON

Posted '11:11am bells' Friday 2nd March 2018

News that the M62 motorway iz closed and iz likely to be closed until the bad weather haz abated, reaches us via the news channels! (The main route to Liverpool from the north east!)

We are due to travel by train to Liverpool on Saturday mornin' and  if there are any problems there, we are in deep trouble! (hopefully not 'deep snow'!)
(Train passengers have been stranded owerneet, doon the south!)

I have been off work for the last 2 days because it woz deemed too dangerous to drive to Redditch in Worcestershire!

However! My company have informed me that I WILL be heedin there this afternoon in mee truck, az the red weather warnings have been reduced to amber! (A 440 miles roond trip from Tyneside!)

Thoughts of gettin stranded like 1,000's of motorists have been owerneet on the M62 and othaa major roads in the UK have entered my heed!😨

I have been to 1,100 (plus) competitive games in a row watchin 'The Toon' and with Liverpool declarin' that the game WILL gan aheed, that run could well come to an abrupt end!

I will keep yoo posted on my progress (or lack of it!) az the day/night run progresses!
Fingers (and toes!) crossed!✖✖✖✖

'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Update '9 55pm bells' Woodall sorvices truck park

The road to hell!😨

(The A435 from Redditch to

Bormingham)

Snow iz horrendous in Bormingham area and I nearly got stuck on a steep hill at Redditch!
Just made it up hill and onto M42 where heavy snow woz faallin
Snow haz now cleared on M1
It woz a close call, but I shud get back ok at 1:30am bells---Train to Liverpool iz at 9:10am bells in mornin!☺

THE LIVERBIRDS v THE TOON *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '7:30pm bells' Thorsday 1st March 2018

On Saturday we will 'attempt' the trip across the Pennines to Scouseland where NUFC will 'attempt' to win at Anfield for the forst time since 1995!

With treacherous weather conditions not expected to get any better in the next 2 days, we can anly hope that 'The Trans-Pennine express' iz runnin to schedule and that we make it for the '5 30 bells' kick off on Saturday evenin'!

We are on the '9am bells' train from 'The Central' and hope to take in a visit to The Cavern Club in Liverpool and the surroondin' pubs where The Beatles frequented in the orly 1960's!

This year will be 50 years since aa forst visited Anfield in 1968 and amazingly I have NEVAA visited The Cavern, despite bein' a big Beatles fans since aa woz a young child and havin visited Liverpool for Toon games many, many times since then!

Indeed, when aa did the match report from that game half a century ago, aa gave it the title 'She loves you! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!' az the Scousers used to sing Beatles songs on The Kop, az well az 'You'll never walk alone' by Gerry and the Pacemakers--- anothaa Scouse group of course!

The archive match report from that game iz printed below!

"BLANKETY BLANKETY BLANK!"

Posted '9 50pm bells' Wednesday 28th February 2018

Because of Sporz 6-1 win ower Rochdale in the FA Cup 5th roond replay tooneet, we will have a blank 3 weeks withoot a game from Saturday 10th March v Sooothampton at home and Saturday 31st March v 'uddersfield at home! (Wor 2nd 'blankety blank' enforced 2 week (plus) break this year alone! (Because we aalso exited at the 4th roond stage of the cup in January!)

This iz because Sporz will be playin Swanzee in the qwaataa finals of the cup and that will take priority ower wor leegue game against them, which will now be cancelled!
(We have absoluteleee ne idea just when that game at Wembley will now be 'fitted in'?)

An international break will aalso render anothaa weekend 'blankless' az well!

Aall this talk of a winter break rings very true for us---NOW!----az we have nevaa got to the 5th roond stage of the FA Cup since 'The Fat Controller' took 'the controls', 11 years ago!