THE TOON 3 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted ' 9 31am bells' Sunday 27th August 2017
Updated Munday with more pix!

"JOSELU'S GIANTS!"

Toon fans went to this game with nerves janglin az we just didnt know wot kind of performace we wud put in!

We need'nt have worried az we put on an excellent show for the 52,000 in attendance!

Lets be honest here, West Ham were very poor and we took advantage of this az we attacked The Gallowgate goal in the forst half.
'Jossy' Joselu in particular looks a great buy az he jinked and moved easily through the Jellied Eels defence and he woz rewarded near the end of the half when Atsu crossed the baall and he woz on hand to toe poke the baall into the net for forst goal of the season after 2 blank Premyaa games!

The crowd went wild with relief more than anythin else and we went in 1-0 up at the break!

We dominated the 2nd half with both Perez and Richie gannin close.
The 2nd goal woz anly a matter of time and Clark got it az he heeded into the Leazes net after good work fromPerez and Ritchie!

'Supersub' Mitrovic completed the scorin with 4 mins left on the clock , when he woz put clean through and he rounded Joe Hart in the visitors goal to sidefoot the baall into the goal az 'The Jellied Eels Mob' exited the groond in their droves!
A 'giant' performance from the lads and especially Joselu az we climbed to 14th position in the table (The Geordie Times forecast at the start of the season!)

With 7 of wor next 8 games against 'lesser' teams,we have a great chance to cosolidate wor position in the top flight!
Toon team: Elliot, Manqillo, Lascelles, Clark, Merino, Hayden (Diame 82), Ritchie (Murphy 88), Perez, Atsu, Joselu (Mitrovic 72)

Attendance: 52,093 (6 more than woz annoonced ower the tannoy!)  (3,100 p*ssed off 'Jellied Eels'!)
*Explanation: 'Jellied eels' are a Cockney delicasy in east London where West Ham come from! (See 'ground 009 in archive section for a match report from Upton Park in 1969)

Zac and Jamie celebrate!

The pre match 'gargels' took place in 

The Bodega and Soho

The Gallowgate flag bearers march doon Leazes Park Road before the game in a show of solidarity, chantin' Rafa's name az they gan!

THE TOON v THE JELLIED EELS MOB*** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '11 00am bells' Saturday 26th August 2017
Half time and full time scores wil be posted az soon az pissible ("er!---that shud read 'possible'!)

We gan into todays game pointless against a pointless West Ham--- so somethin' will have to give---at some point!
Hopefully 3 points for 'us' and nen for them!
A 6 pointer aalready? After just 2 games played?
We reeely do need to win this or else we will be in the mire for certain

Still ne more players through the door like a proven striker  to bolster wor blank Leegue 'goals for' column, with just 4 days left before the transfor window slams shut!

Az we've said before--the current squad simply isnt good enough az Rafa haz said repeatedly!
Yoo reeely do have to speculate to accumulate (points!)----but try tellin that to wor 'beloved owner'!--- who seems 'blind' to the threat of a THIRD relegation under his 'leadership'!

However! We MUST get behind the team and cheer them on to victory (hopefully!)
A full Geordie Times match report will appear here ob Sunday az per usual!

We will post online the half time and full time score asap below

Half time score: 1  0 up
Josalu

Full time score: won 3  0!
Joselu  Clark   Mitrovic

Attendance:52,087

328 heritage park bishop auckland (v mboro u23s)

Ground number 328
Date of First Visit: 25th August 2017
Heritage Park, Bishop Auckland

Middlesbrough U23s  1
Newcastle United U23s  0

Premier League 2, Division 2
Attendance: 474 (includin' at least 8 mad-sad groundhoppers!)

"MEET ME ON THE CORNER WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE COMIN' ON!"

This linesman haz a very famous name

But who iz he? The clue iz in the title!

 (Answer below!)

The Toon and 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' paid wor forst ever visit to the new home of Bishop Auckland FC, which iz actually in the village of St Helen Auckland to the west of 'Bishop' and iz the base for The Smoggies U23 side for the season
Middlesbrough iz some 30 miles distant to the east which makes it a very strange venjue to play 'home games' (St James' Park to the north iz aboot the same distance!)

The groond iz virtually surronded by a huge Sainsbury's superstore behind one side of the groond and a Sainsbury's petrol station behind the right hand goal.
And just alang the road iz a boozer  caalled 'The March Hare', where we heeded for some much needed 'liquid lubrication' before kick off , az we were told that the clubhoose under the main stand woz 'off limits'?

It woz then back to the groond where we heeded for the grass bank opposite the main stand

The game kicked off with The Toon kickin towards 'The Sainsbury's Petrol Station End' and we had several chances to take the lead, but couldnt find the net!

The Smoggies had some chances az well and they made the breakthrough bang on half time with a scrambled effort, az the rain made an appearence from the heavens above!

The 2nd half was dominated by us, but we simply couldnt get on the score sheet, despite bein' the better team!
A Kyle Cameron effort at 'The Sainsburys' Superstore End' woz tipped ower the bar by the Boro goalie in the 61st minute and  a Mac Gillesphey divin heeder went very close 10mins later
A great shot from Dan Barlaser came off the post in the very last minute of the game and  the baall went agonisingly behind for a goal kick!
This woz wor last chance and the ref blew to end the game not long after this!

Can yoo spot the famous assistant referee?
(Havvint got the FOGgiest!)

FOOTNOTE:
For those of yoo who are under the age of 60!  An explanation to the title of this story.
One of the linesmen/assistant referee's woz caalled Alan Hull---The same name az the lead singer of the Geordie folk group caalled 'Lindisfarne' who had 2 massive hits in the 1970's    One woz caalled 'Fog on the Tyne' and the other woz caalled 'Meet me on the corner'

The top picture shows linesman Alan Hull near the corner flag just after the floodlights had been switched on!
The 1st line of the song gans: "Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on and I'll be there---I promise I'll be there!"

Alan Hull from Lindisfarne

wearin a  Toon top!

THE SMOG MONSTERS U23s v THE TOON U23s

Posted '1 00pm bells' Friday 25th August 2017
Score updates at half time and full time

Later on this evenin 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' travel to Bishop Auckland's Heritage Park, where 'The Smoggies' are playin some of their U23s games this season.
The Toon U23s are their opponents and az usual we will be oot in force to support wor 'second string' az we 'clock up' yet anothaa new groond! (aall 10 of us!)
Kick off iz at '7 bells', but if yoo are gannin then heed for St Helens Auckland on the A688 and the groond iz there next to a Sainsbury's superstore!

It seems strange that The Smog Monsters are playin 'home games' nearly 30 miles from The Riverside Stadium (Its aboot the same distance from St James' Park!)
But the same could be said aboot Stoke who play resorve games at St Georges Park near Burton some 30 miles distant from The Britannia Stadium?

A match report and pix will appear here by tomorrow dinnatime!
Half time and full time score will be put online az soon az possible!

Half time score: 1  0 doon

Full time score:lost 1  0

Attendance: 350 est

THE TOON 2 THE FRIAR TUCK MOB 3 *** LEEGUE CUP 2nd ROOND!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 24th August 2017

"AT LEAST WE DIVVINT HAVE TO GET UP AT 4 IN THE MORNIN TO LISTEN TO THE DRAW FOR THE 3rd ROOND!"

Makin 10 changes from the team that lost at 'uddersfield , we succumed to a Forest side one leegue below us az the wheels came off again for the thord succesive match!

Players like Saivet, Perry, and Barlaser started alang with Hanley and Jesus Gamez who were in 'the shop window' of surplus stock!

But they failed miserably and rather than bein in Harrods shop window, they are more likely to appear in the POUNDSHOP display!

We started off well in front of a half full/empty stadium when Mitrovic fired home from a Aarons pass in the 3rd minute!
Diame then went close with an audicious lob that just went ower the bar at The Leazes End!
But thats az good az it got and Forest fought back with 2 goals in quick succesion on the half hour mark through Cummings who netted twice!

An equaliser after the baall had struck the ref came when the refs 'pass' foond Diame and he slid the baall to Aarons on the edge of the  box and he hit an unstoppable shot into the roof of the net bang on half time!

The 2nd half wasnt much cop as extra time loomed and grandson Jamie aged 7 said he wanted it to gan to extra time az it meant he could stop up later!

He got hiz 'wish', but just 7 minutes into the extra priod , Forest's Tyler Walker scored with a well placed heeder which seemed to 'drift' into the net to put the m 3-2 up!

There were ne more goals and we went oot at the  2nd stage of the competition for the fost time in 27 years!

On the plus side-- at least we didnt have to get up at 4 in the mornin to listen to the draw for the next roond from China!
(See story below for explanation!)

Toon team: Darlow, Sterry (Lazaar 58), Hanley, Mbemba, Gamez, Murphy, Saivet, Barlaser (Hayden 70), Aarons (Richie 77), Diame, Mitrovic (Joselu 107)

Attendance: 27,709 (1,000 Friar Tuck Mob!)

The pre match gargels took place in The Bodega and The Leazes End Club!

PS: Because the match finished late aa went to mee 'local' (The Tudor) for mee post match gargels----it woz SHUT!----Just to make my day even more miserable!

PPS: 'The Friar Tuck Mob' have drawn Premyaa League champions Chelski away in the next roond!

Mebeez its just az well we got knocked oot!

THE TOON v THE FRIAR TUCK MOB ****TOONEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 22nd August
2017  *** Updated Wednesday from 'high noon bells' onwards!
(Forthaa updates at half time and full time!)

Somewhere in Sherwood Forest near Nottingham, as Friar Tuck tells Robin Hood and Maid Marion the bad news aboot the Leegue Cup draw!
"Lets hope we get knocked out!-- I dont fancy having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to watch the draw!"


Tooneet we face Forest in the Leegue Cup 2nd roond (now renamed the Carabao Cup) and IF we get through we will be in the draw at (wait for it!)---- '4 15 AM bells' on Thorsday mornin---live from CHINA!
A far eastern company iz sponserin the competition, and haz insisted the draw shud be made then ('11 15 am bells' in China) so if yoo want to hear the draw yoo will have to drag your lifeless body oot of your 'scratch pit' (bed!) at this ungodly hour and listen to it on 'TALKSPORT 'radio!

"Wot next?" we ask worsels?  a GAME that kicks off at '4 15 bells' in the mornin for the benefit of somewhere on the othaa side of the world? ---If yoo are a gamblin man/woman, then DONT bet against it!!

More madness from NUFC, this time---ticket prices for the Forest game DOUBLE in price if yoo buy them on match day!
They've done it before of course!
Its crazy!

Meenwhile, we fully expect that we will field a weakened team az Rafa wont want any new injuries aheed of wor vital Leegue game v 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of eest Landan on Saturday!
(Even aftaa Rafa 'juggles' hiz line up, we still shud be too strong for Forest )

News aalso reaches us that wor players are in dispute with club aboot bonus payments this season!---The last thing 'Rafa the Gaffer' needs as he tries to gee the players up!

Still ne sign of any quality new signins eethaa!-
7 days til the window closes---and coontin!

A full match report will appear tomorrow AFTER the cup draw ---(dont 'fink' I can stay awake that long to hear it?)--- thats providin we get through of course!

Oot of the 19 teams who have made into the 3rd roond so far, 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have been to them aall, bar Bristol Rovers new groond ( we've been to 2 of their old groonds, but not this one!)
Oot of tooneets ties the anly possibilty of a new groond iz Rochdale, who are away to Stoke!

Az the draw iz unseeded now, with the so caalled 'big guns' enterin, anly London Stadium iz missin from wor 'list'
(A groond we will visit anyway in December in the Premyaa Leegue!)

PS: The Geordie Times haz abandoned attempts at 'live streamin' pictures from games az the reception inside St James' Park iz very poor and difficult to download!
We will however put the half time and full time score out below and download pictures after the game, away from the groond, where there iz better reception! (ie: In some nearby 'drinkin den'!)
The game kicks off at '7 45'pm bells' (unless somebody from China decides otherwise!?)
(watch this space!)

Half time score:  2  2
(Mitrovic  Aarons for Toon   Cummins for Forest)
Full time score: Lost 3  2 after extra time!
Walker scored winner for Forest.

Because of the late finish because of extra time I went straight home to my local pub to drown my sorrows! ---- IT WOZ SHUT!!!

On the plus side: At least I dont need to get up at '4 am bells' to listen to the 3rd roond draw!---OR!---take any more time off graft midweek for future Leegue Cup games!


Attendance:27,709 (1,000 Forest)

Pix to follow in tomorrows match report

'UDDERDSFIELD 1 THE TOON 0 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '10 36am bells' Munday 21st August 2017

"BUY!-BUY!" or it might be "BYE!-BYE!"

A totally inept performance from the boys in black made it a very black day indeed az we were defeated by a team caalled 'The Terriers', who will surely be in a dog fight alang with us at the foot of the table! (We played in wor aall black away kit!)

The Geordie Times predicted before the season started that we wud finish in 14th place----we will now be happy with a 17th place finish after watchin this shambles!

Quite simply, if wor beloved owner known affectionatly az 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans, doesnt 'put hiz hand in hiz pocket' in the next 10 days (when the transfor windows shuts) then we fear the worst could happen!

9 of wor players on the pitch at the start were playin in The Championship last season and promises of several quality new faces havent materialised!

The home side and fans 'were up for it' az predicted and won most of the 2nd baalls az we continued to give away posession

We did have chances az we attacked towards wor own fans in the 1st half  and Matt Richie had a great effort tipped aroond the post by the 'uddersfield keeper in the 17th minute!

But the home side pressed on and the breakthrough came in the 5th minute of the 2nd half when Mooy hit a curlin effort past Elliot in The Toon goal!

We had a penalty appeal torned doon and a blatent stamp by Mounie on Issac Hayden woz missed by the ref and he got away with it!

Perez aalso missed a chance to equalise deep into the 2nd half but hiz shot just went ower the bar---and that woz 'it ' az the clock coonted doon!

Like we say---we MUST 'buy' some quality players in the next 10 days or else it could be "bye!-bye!" To the Premyaa Leegue for the THORD time under The Fat Controllers 'leadership'!

Toon team: Elliot, Manquillo, Lascelles, Clark, Mbemba, Atsu, Hayden (Diame 76), Merino, Ritchie, Gayle (Joselu 52), Perez (Murphy 80)

Attendance: 24,128 (groond record) 2,340 unhappy Toon fans!

THE PRE MATCH ' GARGELS' TOOK PLACE HERE!
(Top) The Deighton Club
(Bottom) Superbowl Bowling Club!  Thats reet!  we got a drink in a 10 pin bowling alley!

LIVE PHOTO STREAM PRE MATCH UDDERSFIELD

Posted 12 45pm bells Sunday 20th August 2017

Lost 1  0!

We woz cr*p!

Full match report tomorrow😥

THE WONDERS OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY!

Posted 7 30am bells Sunday 20th August 2017

Withoot kickin a baall NUFC have moved 2 places up the Premyaa League aftaa yesterdays results!
Mebeez we shudnt play again and we might just win the Leeegue!

'UDDERSFIELD V THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2 22 pm bells' Saturday 19th August 2017

We make wor shortest jorney of the season tomorrow (Bornley iz aboot the same distance at 230 miles roond trip from Tyneside) when we travel to 'uddersfield (Yorkshire prenoonciation-- not wors!) for wor forst away game back in the top flight
This of course iz 'uddersfield's forst  EVER home game in The Premyaa Leegue and they and their fans will be 'up for it'!--'especially after their unexpected 3-0 win at Palace last week!
(The last time they played in the top flight woz way back in 1972 in the old 1st Division!)

We beat them of course last season doon at their place and we have to say that it woz the best away atmosphere on the road!
Thats wot we can expect tomorrow, come '1 30 bells'!

Dummett, Lejeune and Yedlin are aall oot injured and Shelvey misses the next 3 games after hiz daft sendin off against Sporz
Joselu iz expected to make hiz Toon debut though!

A capacity selloot 23,000 crowd will be there, includin 2,340 Toon fans (440 more than last seasons allocation)

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday with 'live stream pub crawl pix before the game! (Er!---because of the orly kick off we will probably de just ONE 'liquid lubrication location'!