THE DEIGHTON CLUB OR! THE NAGS HEAD?

Posted '1:15pm bells' Munday 29th May 2017
Updated Munday neet!

In approximately one and three qwaataa hours time the £300,000,000 game takes place at Wembley between 'uddersfield Toon and 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' in the Championship play off final, for a place in the Premyaa Leegue! (£170 million for the winners--plus £130 million if they manage to avoid relegation)

That's how much it's estimated it will be worth to the winners!
Thank god that I will be watchin' it on a big screen from 300 miles away in the comfort of 'The Junction' (1st half) and then 'The Crows Nest' (2nd half) in the heart of The Toon and NOT at Wembley, tearin' mee hair oot and chewin' mee fingernails, if 'we' were there!

Wot we want iz a 'uddersfield win, simply because it's much easier to get to than Readin'! (110 miles compared with 350 miles) and if the Yorkshiremen can 'de it', it will be wor 'derby match' next season, az it will be wor nearest away game!

However, sayin' that, we foond a great little boozer in the centre of Readin' caalled 'The Nags Head', which woz one of the best away drinkin' dens visited last season!
 'uddersfield however, aalso have a great little drinkin den' by the name of 'The Deighton Club' aboot a mile from their groond and this would be more preferable to us!

Az a'v said a'm so glad 'we' arnt at Wembley to suffer the 90/120 minutes of wot will be pure torture, especially to the losers! (plus the possibility of a penalty shoot out of course!)


Updated Munday neet!

"IT'S THE DEIGHTON CLUB!"

We said that the above game could gan to a penalty shootout---and that's exactleee wot happened when 'uddersfield won 4-3 on penalties after a scoreless 120 minutes (plus 10 mins injury time!)

A 220 mile roond trip iz much better than a 700 mile roond trip, so we are delighted that 'The Terriers' are in the Premyaa Leegue for the forst time in their history!

The Premyaa Leegue for next season nuw looks like this!
(From short to lang distance!)

North East clubs: ONE!----NUFC! (roond trip (from wor hoose) 3 miles!)

Yorkshire clubs: ONE!----'uddersfield Toon (roond trip 220 miles)

Lancashire clubs includin'  Morseyside: FIVE!----Moan U, Manc Blue Moonies, The Liverbirds, The Toffee Noses of Everton and Bornley (average roond trip 280 miles)

Midland clubs: THREE!---Lestaa, The Baggie Troosers of WBA and The P*ss Potts of Stoke (Average roond trip 400 miles)

London clubs: SIX!----Chelski, Sporz, Fat Sam's Palace (minus Fat Sam!), The Arse, Wotfaad and The Jellied Eels Mob of WHU
(Strictly speakin', Wotfaad are not a London club, BUT are within the M25 London orbital motorway!) (Average roond trip 620 miles)

South coast clubs: THREE!---Sooothampton, Bournemoooth and (ne where near) Brighton (Average roond trip 700 miles)

Welsh clubs: ONE!---Swanzee (roond trip 750 miles)

2 CUP FINALS 4 PUBCHAIR FANS TODAY!

Posted '1:38pm bells' Saturday 27th May 2017
Updated Sunday

THE BIG SCREEN!

It's a very humid day here on Tyneside with thunderstorms and heavy rain forecast for this afternoon!---SO! (az yi de!) we are off to The Toon to watch both the Inglish and Scottish cup finals in 'the shelter' of 'The Junction' and 'The Crows Nest', which both have big screens!

The Scottish 'one' between 'Glasgay' Celtic and Aberdeeen kicks off at '3 bells' , while 'The Arse v Chelski game kicks off at '5:30 bells'

We reely hope that Aberdeeen can stop 'the green half' of Glasgay's monopoly and end their winnin' streak--but we very much doubt it!

The Scottish Premyaa iz a joke nuw with Rangers demise and when 'The Tims' play the likes of Hamilton Ackeez  and Ross Coonty it's like 'The Toon' playin' 'The Monkey Hangers of Hartlepool' or 'The Whitley Bay Watchers'!
(Ross play in Dingwaall, which iz aboot the same size az Whitley Bay--and aboot the same standard of futbaall!)

At Wembley, 'The Arse' play 'Chelski' and we reely hope that 'Chelski' win---not because we like them (far from it!) BUT because 'The Arse' fans are so ungrateful and spoilt that they 'fink' they have a god given right to win the leegue!

They've flown many banners on planes ower The Emirites and away groonds this season (and don't we aall naa aboot 'planes' flyin ower groonds!) demadin' that Arsene gans!---A man who haz won them the FA Cup ne fewer than SIX times and iz gannin for hiz 3rd FA Cup win in the last 4 years!--"UNbeleeeevable!!!!"

Total 'Arseholes' if yoo ask us!

If this happened in The Toon, they'd build SIX! statues of him!---Wouldn't they just!


SUNDAY UPDATE

ANLY 7 FA CUP WINS?---IT'S TIME TO GO!

So , both 'The Arse' and 'Glasgay' Celtic won their respective cup finals against wor wishes!
That's SEVEN wins in the final for Arsene--the man The 'Arseholes' love to hate? (8 finals in total, 1 defeat!--and 3 wins in the last 4 years!) 
Will he waalk away?---their fans don't deserve him!---lest hope so and they get a 'duff' manager!---it will sorve them right!!!

Az for Brendan Rogers?--to gan through an entire season unbeaten in leegue and cup games iz some achievement---even though the Scottish Premyaa iz mediocre to say the least (where would Hamilton , Ross, Inverness, Partick, Kilmarnock etc be if they were allowed to join the Inglish leegues?---in the lower tiers or non leegue me 'finx'!) 

THE MYTH OF FAT SAM!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 25th May 2017


"I TOOK THEM DOWN!---I TOOK THEM DOWN!"

NEVER BEEN RELEGATED?---"OH YES YOO HAVE!"

So Fat Sam haz 'hoyed the towel' in at Crystal Palace and retired and will now be 'hoyin' a  towel on' by the swimmin' pool at hiz luxury retreat on the Costa Blanca in Spain, named "Casa St James" which he named after gettin' a ridiculous 4 MILLION poond 'pay off' from then NUFC chairman Freddie Shephard for bein' a failure here! (borin', lang kick futbaall--and aall that! "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

It's not the anly place he's been sacked eethaa---Blackpool, Blackborn Rovers, West Ham and Ing-er-land in disgrace, just to name 4! (and huge 'pay offs'!)

He 'abandoned the mackem ship' last summer to take on the Ing-er-land job, leavin' 'Miseryguts Moyes' to take ower (and finally 'sink it'!)  and haz now decided to retire, leavin' Palace in the lurch this time and 'on the rocks'!

It's aalways been said that he's NEVER been relegated---BUT 'The Geordie Times' can tell yoo otherwise, az in the 1996-1997 season he woz RELEGATED to the 4th tier of Inglish futbaall, while in charge of Notts Coonty!!!

He played for the mackems az well! (when he woz a bit thinner!)--and az yoo may gather by this, we divvint reelly like him very much! and so we hope he enjoys (not!) the 'sun sea and sangria'! (That's sunburn!, sea food! (whale and chips!) and loads of sangria to make him even fatter!

"Bye bye Fat Sam!--yoo certainly wont be missed by us!"     

MOYES mACKEM MISERY!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Tuesday 23rd May 2017


"I'M THE WORLDS 'NUMBER ONE' DRUNKEST FOOTBALL MANAGER!
AND AM IN DAILY CONTACT WITH SIR ALEX! --HIC! HIC!"

News reaches us that Miseryguts Moyes haz tendered hiz resignation to the mackem hierarchy!
We here at 'The Geordie Times' are devastated az we thought he woz dein' a MAGnificent job in gettin' the SMBs relegated at the forst time of askin'!

Several 'quality names' have been hoyed into the ring, includin' out of work former Toon managers, ALAN (I beg your) PARDEW!----'The Wally with the Brolly'!----'John "I am the best manager in the world" Carver' and Joke Kinnear, who iz odds on favourite to be their next manager and haz told anybody who will listen that he can "Do a great job!" and take them to "The next level!"

The "Great job!" he iz on aboot iz that he can ---"De a great job drinkin' aall the Gin, Vodka and Whisky from the optics in the hospitality area of the main stand!"  And "Take them to the next level!"  (ie: Leegue ONE!)

TOON FANS SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION
OF 'JOE'K, WHEN HE WOZ HERE!

More on aall this later!

'GEORDIE TIMES' SPOT THE DIFFERENCE QUIZ!

Posted '11:05am bells' Sunday 21st May 2017

    BEFORE RELEGATION!

   AFTER RELEGATION!

Usin' your skill, judgement and 'half a sheeps brain', see if yoo can 'spot the difference' between the 2 photos which were taken at Newcastle Airport recently!

Photo 'ONE' woz taken az yoo pass through 'passport control' before the mackems were relegated
Photo 'TWO' woz taken after the mackems were relegated!

Top prize for gettin' the correct answer will be an aall expensive trip to Cold Blow Lane on a cold January night to see the SMBs play MILLWAALL at 'The Den of Inequity' where 'Jack the Ripper' will be waitin' to 'greet yoo' under one of the dark railway arches that lead to the groond! (Stab proof vest NOT provided!)

E mail your answer to: safc@wearedoomed!.com  

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS---"WE TOLD YOO SO!"

Posted '1:27pm bells' Friday 19th May 2017

THE TURNBULL GROOND, WHITBY

9 days ago 'The Geordie Times' released details of wor forst U23s frriendlies of the season at Whitby!
nufc.com haz just posted that TODAY!---more than a week after us! ("HA! HA!--we were forst!---this time!")
Worsels, Celtic, AZ Aalkmaar and of course the hosts Whitby Toon, will play in a 4 team tournament at The Turnbull Groond at the end of July!
We play Celtic at '7:45 bells on Thorsday 27th July and eetha Whitby or AZ Aalmaar on Saturday 29th July with that ko time dependin' on wethaa we win or lose on Thorsday ('1:30 bells' ko for losers---'5:30 bells' ko for winners)
Tickets for each game are:£10 for big kids', £6 for zimmerframeites and £3 for sprogs!

Rumours have it that wor forst team will be sailin' off to Ireland in pre season, az well az friendlies in Ing-er-land and at SJP!
(Europe haz aalso been mentioned by wor secret agent, namely 'Secret Pigeon'!)

'SECRET PIGEON' AT WOR GAME v PRESTON!

"REMEMBER!!!  REEED THE GEORDIE TIMES FORST FOR AALL THE LATEST PRE SEASON FRIENDLY UPDATES!!"

"SORVES THEM REET FOR TAKIN' 'WOR EYES OOT'!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 18th May 2017

TOON FANS IN TOP TIER
EMPTY SEATS IN BOTTOM TIER!
(Photo 'nicked' off nufc.com!)

"HILLSBOROUGH HILLBILLIES HORROR!

'uddersfield beat 'The Hillsborough Hillbillies' last neet in a dramatic penalty shoot-out and will progress to the Play Off Final at Wembley at the end of the month v 'The Biscuitmen of Readin'!

I cannit say I am sorry to see Wednesday faall at the penultimate hurdle az they charged us a ridiculous £42 to get in this antiquated pre-historic groond in April---the highest we had to 'cough up' for an away ticket durin' the season!
(The Premyaa Leegue maximum iz £30!)

They anly gave us the upper tier of The Leppings Lane End az well, (3,200) but were unable to sell the extorshinate £42 tickets to their own fans, who were housed in the lower tier, when they could easily have sold them to us! (see top photo)
(Capacity of Hillsborough 39,000---attendance 28,883!)
We actually got 1,500 less tickets than Leeedz got for their Yorkshire derby! --and Leeedz fans were charged less az well!
 
It haz been estimated that promotion via the play offs will earn a mind bogglin' £170,000,000 to the winnners and £300,000,000 if they manage to avoid relegation!!!

"SORVES THEM REET--IF YOO ASK US!"

THE TOON U23s 1 THE JELLIED EELS MOB U23s 2 ***DIVISION 2 PLAY OFF FINAL

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 17th May 2017



 NUFC U23s TAKE A FREE KICK @ THE GALLOWGATE END
PIC FROM WOR PAPARAZZI REPORTER 'DAVE FROM YORK'
WHO WOZ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EAST STAND

 
The Toon's 'second string' failed in their bid to win promotion to the 'top flight' of the reorve leegue when they lost 2-1 to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham last neet at SJP!

A Smith corner in the 19th minute foond the heed of Cameron who nodded it of to Heardman and he scrambled the baall ower the goal line to give us a 1-0 lead, az 'Rafa' and hix staff looked on from The Milburn Stand'!

However, West Ham's Martinez had othaa ideas and he scored twice after this just before and after the half time interval to give the "eest Landaners" the victory and promotion to the forst division of the resorve leegue!

Attendance: 1,824 includin' a handful of the 'Jellied Eels Mob' diehards in the corner of The East Stand!

"WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF FUN!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 16th May 2017

"WE'VE GOT 2 NEW SIGNINGS AZ WELL!!
IZ THAT 'SUPERMAC' ON THE FAR LEFT AND 'BEARDO' ON THE FAR RIGHT?"

"AALL REET MEE OLD CHINA!"

A new sponsors name will adorn wor strips next season az 'wonga' have been consigned to the dustbin!
'FUN88', who are a Far East gamblin' company will sponsor us for the next 3 seasons!
The new strip will have RED numbers on the back for the forst time since the 1980's and 'FUN88' will be in light bluey/green on the front---strips gan on sale on June 15th next month!

Meeenwhile!---wor U23 side are in a play off final at SJP tooneet when we face 'The Jellied eels Mob' of West Ham!
It's a 'one off' game and the winners win promotion to Premyaa Leegue 2--Division 1 (the 'top flight of the resorve leegues!)

KO iz at '7 bells' and the East Stand will be open ---FREE to season ticket holders and members and £3 for 'big kids' and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites who arnt!

"THERE'LL BE A WELCOME IN THE HILLSIDES!"

Posted '10:30am bells' Munday 15th May 2017

Swanzee's 2-0 win at The SOS on Saturday coupled with Hull's 4-0 defeat at Palace yesterday, meeenz that we will have a *700 mile (plus) 'continental' trek to Sooth Wales and back again next season!--az Hull gan doon and Swanzee stay up! (*707.2 miles to be exact!)
Cedric the Swan will no doubt greet us with open 'wings' when we arrive!

The Championship play offs both ended 'aall square' so we are ne wiser az to where we will be heedin' to come next seasons fixtures.
We would prefer 'uddersfield to come up az we foond a canny club there----and it isn't far on the train!

Sheff Wed would be next on wor 'list', az again, it isn't tooo far away!
Fulim iz wor 3rd choice az London iz anly 3 hours away by 'Inter City'
The one we divvint want iz 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' az this meenz 2 trains a tube ride and a bus ride from Readin' station to their groond which iz 4 miles away from the train station!
(Yoo CAN get a train direct to Readin' BUT it teks ages to get there via a 'Cross Country train'!)

Az the Championship play off final isn't till the end of the month, we will have 2 weeks to wait to find oot!

Not includin' the above scenario we will have at least NINE train trips to King's Cross (KX, London) next season!
(Sporz, Chelski, 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham, Wotfaad, The Arse, Fat Sam's Palace, Bournemoooth (via KX), (ne where near) Brighton (via KX) and Sooothampton (via KX)
And if eetha Fulim or Readin' join 'the elite leegue' it will be TEN!---more than half wor 19 away games!

We could in fact travel to nearly AALL wor uttha away games by train via Cross Country etc---apart from Stoke which iz a bustard of a place to get te!---even by road! (Fixture 'times' could effect aall this of course!)