CHELSKI OAPs 5 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 15th February 2016


The Toon attack The Harding Stand (far end)


"A SORRY STATE OF AFFAIRS!"

Yet again we are sorry for the late postin' of yet anothaa catastrophic and sorry away result and of course we are sorry that we went to watch this sorry display!

5th min: 1-0 doon: A disastrous Tiote loses the baall in midfield to Willian and the baall iz passed to Costa who strides past Steve Taylor and hammers it past Elliot in The Toon goal!

8 mins: 2-0 doon and game over!---An attempted pass by Aarons to Janmaat finds Chelski's Pedro instead, who slots the baall past Elliot once again!

17mins: A 'cricket score' iz on the cards when Coloccini fails to win a pass---the baall ends up at Willian's feet and he sidefoots the baall past Elliot who haz ne chance to stop it!

18th minute: Some Toon fans who have paid £55 for a ticket have 'had enough' and exit their seats for the concourse below and some to the boozers on the Kings Road!

Half time: Somehow we manage to get to the break withoot concedin' again, az a fan in front of me tells me that he's 'off to 'Earls Court' for hiz orlyier than 'planned' post match drinks!

59th minute: It's 4-0 az Pedro fires home for hiz 2nd goal of the game!

60th minute: McClaren makes a rare 'sorte' to the technical area and bends hiz heed back to take a swig from hiz bottle of waataa az Shelvey begs him to give some instructions!---In response he scurries back to the away dug-oot to sit with hiz arms folded!

70th minute: Wor new 'super striker' Doumbia comes off the subs bench and fluffed hiz forst chance when he waz 'put through!--he looked az fit az 'me' and I'm 16 stone plus!  He did nowt else after this---now renamed 'Doom Bar' by the Toon faithful!

Action at The Shed End (2nd half)

4-0 doon and all some Toon fans can sing are songs aboot a certain mackem pead-ofile <(sorry for the wrang spellin'!) which had been sung many many times before, durin' the match! <(NE  songs aboot Toon players who were on the pitch though!--although they did sing the Chancel Mbemba song aboot "never givin' the ball away!"---he WASN'T even playin' lads and lasses!)

83rd min: 5-0 Traore shot---The final nail in wor coffin and enough to send us into the relegation zone once again--on goals conceded!

90th minute: 5-1 At last something to 'cheer' for the fans who were left inside the away end (not many!)--Andros Toonsend fires a left footer past Courtois in the home goal!

In hiz post match interview 'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' unbelievably said:
"There's enough quality in there!---We have to show character and fight!" <(we DID lose 5-1---didn't we???)

After the match we heeded to the Bayswater part of London, where 'Doumbia'--sorry!--'Doom Bar' waz on the 'menu'---very appropriate under the circumstances!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Taylor, Coloccini, Aarons, Shelvey, Tiote (Lascelles 67) <(why a defender when we are losin' 4-0!?) Sissoko, Wijnaldum (Colback 46), Toonsend, Mitrovic (Doumbia 70)

Attendance: 41,622 (2,000 Toon fans at the start---1,000 at the finish!) *

The pre and post match gargels took place here!

Phoenix, Bayswater, London

The Rose,Chelsea

Bayswater, London

Kings Heed, Bayswater




 

CHELSKI OAPs v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:00pm bells' Friday 12th February 2016

We face wor last trip to 'the smoke' this season tomorrow, when we heed for Stamford Bridge in "west Landan" where we face 'The Chelski Pensioners' <(their original nickname!)

With aall the hype aboot the high ticket prices at Liverpool, it shud be noted that wors are a woppin' £55 (the same az last season!) for a view from behind the corner flag of 'The Shed End'
There are ne plans we understand to walk oot in the FIFTY FIFTH minute, but dependin' on the scoreline that could well happen anyway---shud wor abysmal away form continue!

The train prices arnt exactleee cheap eetha at £68 (that's WITH a railcard givin' 33% off!) and add in the cost of a hotel az we can't get back on the train (Match finishes approx. '7:20 bells'--last train from King's Cross tomorrow iz '7:50 bells'! due to line work (again!) --NE CHANCE of makin' it!

The thick end of £200 iz therefore required to attend this match when yoo add in food and drink and more drink!

"Why don't yoo stay here and watch it on the telly and save yourself a fortune, yoo daft idiot!" someone said to me in 'The Strawberry' last week!---why not indeed???

A full match report will appear here on eethaa Sunday neet or Munday mornin'!

PS: We have some 'Geordie Times' 'Tyne Bridge' T shirts in black for sale @ £10 each

Aall sizes from small to XL      
Pleeeze leave a comment in the comments box below and a contract number if yoo would like one!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! *** LILLESTROM v THE TOON *** IN SPAIN!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 10th February 2016

Lillestrom from Norway have conformed that they will play a friendly against NUFC a week on Saturday in La Manga in southern Spain! ('2 bells' British time---'3 bells' Spanish time)

We expected anothaa 'warm weather break' for The Toon az this seems to be an 'annual event' now, after gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup at the forst hordle yet again! (Dubai last year!)

It's very short notice of course so it might not be possible to get flights at a reasonable price----we shall see and keep yoo posted!

PS: this game haz NOT been conformed by NUFC yet!--so "HAAD FIRE" if yoo are planning' to gan!

U21s @ SJP *** TOONEET!

Posted '11:26am bells' Munday 8th February 2016


U21s IN ACTION HERE!


New boy Seydou Doumbia iz expected to make hiz Toon debut tooneet when wor U21s take on 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke U21s @ '7 bells'!
The game haz been switched from Benton to 'HQ' and The East Stand will be open for this game --which of course iz FREE to season ticket holders and members! (£3 non season ticket holders & £1 for sprogs & zimmerframeites!)

Unfortunateleee! 'yours trueleee' wont be there az av got to gan to 'graft'--but 'fear not'!--'The Geordie Times' will 'nick' a match report from some othaa publication and will publish it sometime tomorrow afternoon!

Remember wor motto:? "We will eethaa bring yoo the news of this game forst hand, second---OR! second hand, forst!"


Updated 'high noon bells' Tuesday

The U21s lost 2-1 in front of wor biggest home crowd for 4 years. James Sterry waz sent off after just 9 minutes when he gave a penalty away---which Stoke scored!

A penalty for The Toon 12 minutes later at the othaa end waz convorted by Barlaser!

New super striker Seydou Doumbia failed to make any impression and waz substituted at half time!!!

And then 13 minutes from full time a great shot from Stoke's Lewis Banks put the visitors back in front and we couldn't respond!

A 2-1 defeat, but more worryingly wor new striker that waz supposed to get us vital goals waz non existent!!!

Attendance: 1,413 <(not includin' 'me', az aa had to gan to graft and nick this report from elsewhere!) *

THE TOON 1 THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 7th February 2016

1st HALF ACTION AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL

"IT'S A 'SIX'!"

On Friday in 'The Geordie Times' (see article below!) we said that it waz McClaren's 'last throw of the dice' and would we get a 'six' or a 'one'--and 'SIX' it waz!---Not goals, but the 1-0 win and 3 points gained dragged us oot of the relegation zone at the expense of Norwich who lost @ Villa!

We started off well and went for the Leazes goal time and time again, with several chances 'gannin a beggin' before Tiote broke the deadlock with a lang range effort in the 30th minute---or so we thought? az we celebrated in the seats----but horror upon horror!  Mason the ref went to consult hiz linesman and the goal waz chalked off az Mitrovic, who waz in an offside position, waz deemed to have blocked the sightlines of the West Brom goalie!

It waz aall smiles again though just 2 minutes later when a superb through baall from Jonjo Shelvey foond Mitrovic and he fired a fantastic shot into the back of the net!----Aa looked at the linesman on the far side, but he kept hiz flag doon this time and the goal stood!

We totally dominated this game and there were several chances to increase wor lead in the 2nd half --- Toonsend hit the post for example, but we couldn't find a 2nd goal and nearly paid the price at the end when 'Toon target' in the transfor window, Berahino, waz put through near the end but thankfully couldn't connect to a pass and the game waz won!

2nd HALF ACTION @ THE GALLOWGATE END

Every player played hiz part but Shelvey in particular waz ootstandin' with several pin-point passes in this totally one sided game!---If only we could play West Brom at home every week!---"IF ONLY!"

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Taylor, Coloccini, Aarons, Toonsend (Perez 88), Shelvey (Saivet 90), Tiote, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic

50,152 (700 or so Baggie Troosers in level 7 of The Leazes End singin' (amongst othaa things) "Sh*t football my lord--sh*t football!" az their 'Tramp in a Tracksuit' manager (Pulis) looked on forlornly!

   PS: looked less than 50,000 to us? *

THE TOON v THE BAGGIE TROOSERS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:36 pm bells' Friday 5th February 2016

"SIX! ---OR!---ONE!?"

"THE LAST THROW OF THE DICE!"

Followin' on from Wednesday debacle @ Goodison Park we find worsels in a perilous position with a must! must! MUST! win game against WBA @ SJP tomorrow afternoon.

The tramp in a tracksuit (Tony Pulis) will no doubt try and 'park the bus' to gain a valuable point for the visitors, which of course will be absolutleeee ne good to us whatsoever!

This iz 'The Brollyless Wally's 'last throw of the dice' and shud the worst case scenario unfold, then we fear the worst with trips to Chelski and Stoke, wor next two games after this!

Lets hope and pray that hiz 4 new players 'gel' straight away or else we've had it! <(he haz aalready said that "IT WILL TAKE TIME!" for the new players to settle in!)  <(haz he hoyed the towel in aalready?) ----and with just 14 games left 'to save wor skins', this iz 'time' we just don't have!
Injuries and suspensions meenz the likes of U21 players Barlaser, Gibson, Sterry and Williams could be on the bench with Steve Taylor retornin' to the fray az well!

After the Everton game McClaren looked a shattered man and waz 'clutchin' at straws' when he said we were "in it til the penalties!"
Of course a half chance could have snatched us an undeserved  point when it waz 0-1, but with hardly any shots on target in the 2nd period, this waz a virtual 'non starter'!

Othaa 'McClaren' quotes: "We had bad results against Leicester and Palace, where our attitude was questioned.
"Since then it has been EXCELLENT in the last couple of months!"  <(Since Xmas we have lost everyone of wor away games played, includin' 2 to Wotfad! and scored a grand total of ONE goal in those FIVE games!---Where the hell waz wor 'attitude' against Everton?)
"EXCELLENT!"

A full match report will appear here on Sunday---lets hope the dice rolls a 'SIX' and NOT a 'ONE'!

THE TOFFEE NOSES 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '1:38pm bells' Thorsday 4th February 2016

ANOTHER CHANCE GANS A-BEGGIN'!
"WOTS GANNIN ON---LIKE!?"

"Metaphorically speaking, Steve McClaren's team never got off the bus!"  <(quote from The Daily Mail!)  

Some new faces in wor side but the same old story, az we hardly ventured into the Everton half in the forst half, with precisely NE shots on goal and NE corners at aall!

The inability to de anything remotely like an attackin' formation waz flustered time and time again when we got anywhere near the half way line and the home side made us pay with a goal at the mid point of the half!
Aaron Lennon put them aheed with a toe poked shot @ The Gladys Street End and really we wernt gannin to come back from that---in the forst half at least!

We were truly dreadful and Andros Toonsend, Johnjo Shelvey and Co. must be wonderin' exactly wot they've let themsels in for, comin' to The Toon!
Toonsend was obviously not fit and othaa new boy Henri Saivet made ne impact whatsoever!

THE TOON PREPARE FOR THE 2nd HALF KICK OFF (Why did we bother!)

We did a bit better in the 2nd period when we actually had a shot on goal from Shelvey in the 50th minute and in a 'purple patch? we got a few corners az well, but we couldn't de the blindingleee obvious, and put the baall in the net! 



THE TOON MAKE A RARE 'SORTE' @ THE GLADYS STREET END (2nd half)


Super sub Mitrovic had missed a great chance, but wellied wide---and that waz it!
The Toffee Noses hit the wood-work 3 times in the 2nd half az Elliot in The Toon goal kept the score doon by deflectin' shots onto the post and bar!
2 penalties for the home side in the dyin' embers of the game, the last one in which Lascelles got himself needlessly sent off 'did justice' to the scoreline!

After the match on the car radio 'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' unbelievably said we were "in it til the death" until we gave the 2 penalties away!
But NIL goals meenz NIL points, if the opposition get just ONE goal, Steve!

"DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD ANYTHING???"

In complete contrast to the above statement, The Daily Mail said: 'Newcastle were wretched, why do they bother!'---'They were just rubbish, lacking energy, commitment and wit!'

Just SIX goals in FOURTEEN competitive away games this season and TEN defeats in THORTEEN tells it's own sorry tale!

Wor 'last throw of the dice' comes in 2 days time!
 
Failure to beat WBA at home on Saturday and we are knackered! FULL STOP..........................................................................!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini (Lascelles 44), Dummett (Aarons 46), Saivet (Mitrovic 55), Shelvey, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Toonsend, Perez

Attendance: 36, 061 (2,000 Toon fans on the brink of mutiny!) *    

THE TOFFEE NOSES v THE TOON *** TOONEET @ '7:45 BELLS'!

Posted '11:15am bells' Wednesday 3rd February 2016

We gan into toneets game @ Goodison Park in the hope that wor new players can drag us away from the bottom 3 places and a win would de just that, against a poor Everton team who are gettin' dragged into the mire az well, just 8 points aheed of us!
(And just 3 home wins aall season!---just like us!)

Andros Toonsend iz expected to make hiz debut, but Saydou Doumbia will miss oot (we 'fink') because of work permit problems!

With 8 defeats in the 11 away games we have played this season and just 6 goals scored, this iz the worst record in the entire Futbaall Leegue! (goals scored that iz!)

Results last neet were 'mixed' but if we can  win wor 3rd away game of the season then we will leapfrog Norwich into 4th bottom place!

Lets hope the new players make a difference ---"EH!"

We leave by 'jam jar' @ '1:30 bells' for the trip across the Pennines and a full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

"Keep the faith!"

SEYDOU SIGNS!

Posted '1:12pm bells' Tuesday 2nd February 2016

At last! an out an out striker haz been signed on the last day of the transfor window!
Seydou Doumbia haz signed on loan from Italian side AS Roma and the Ivory Coast international will probably make hiz debut this comin' Saturday against 'The Baggie Troosers' of WBA @ SJP, az a work permit will not be in place for wor visit to 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton tomorrow neet!

This brings the total signins in 'the window' to 4 and a total spend of nearly £30 million if yoo believe the papers!

Lets hope that Henri Saivet, Jonjo Shelvey, Andros Toonsend and wor 'new boy' can finally give us 'lift off' and drag us away from the 'abyss' of the bottom 3!

We shall soon find oot in the next couple of weeks, when a trip to Chelski iz aalso forthcomin' a week on Saturday!

JUST 11 HOURS TO GAN BEFORE THE WINDOW SHUTS!

Updated 'high noon bells' Munday 1st February 2016

Wor quest for an out and out striker gans on and on, followin' the akwassisson  <(we naa aall the big words, but divvint naa how to spelll them!) of Jonjo Chelvney, Henri Saivet and Andros Toonsend so far in the transfor window!
Toonsend can play up front but iz a winger by choice, so a proven centre forward iz a 'must' to stave off the threat of trips to MK Dons and the likes, next season!

Speculation iz rife az to who we may (or may not!) sign, includin' Loic Remy from Chelski and Berahino from WBA, but these look to be 'dead in the water' az we speak!
A bid of £21 million waz reportedly rejected for Berahino yesterday and we understand that we have upped this to £24 million today!

The deadline iz '11:00pm bells' toneet so we'd better get wor skates on!
Super flop Flo Thauvin iz heedin' back to Marseille from whence he came (on loan) and 'past hiz sell by date' Mike Williamson haz signed for Wolves

Meenwhile!--Man City's 4-0 win at Villa in the FA Cup on Saturday meenz that there iz 'ne chance' of us fittin' them in on '5th roond day' az waz speculated, shud they have lost!
This meenz that we anly have 3 games now in the whole of February---Everton on Wednesday, WBA next Saturday and Chelski a week later on the 13th!--and nothin' at aall in the 2nd half of the month!

PS: A'v got to gan to graft this afternoon and there will be ne forthaa updates til tomorrow dinnaatime when the deadline iz ower! 
Remember wor motto: "We will bring yoo the news second hand, forst!" (or shud that be "Forst hand, second"?)