THE TOFFEE NOSES 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '1:38pm bells' Thorsday 4th February 2016

ANOTHER CHANCE GANS A-BEGGIN'!
"WOTS GANNIN ON---LIKE!?"

"Metaphorically speaking, Steve McClaren's team never got off the bus!"  <(quote from The Daily Mail!)  

Some new faces in wor side but the same old story, az we hardly ventured into the Everton half in the forst half, with precisely NE shots on goal and NE corners at aall!

The inability to de anything remotely like an attackin' formation waz flustered time and time again when we got anywhere near the half way line and the home side made us pay with a goal at the mid point of the half!
Aaron Lennon put them aheed with a toe poked shot @ The Gladys Street End and really we wernt gannin to come back from that---in the forst half at least!

We were truly dreadful and Andros Toonsend, Johnjo Shelvey and Co. must be wonderin' exactly wot they've let themsels in for, comin' to The Toon!
Toonsend was obviously not fit and othaa new boy Henri Saivet made ne impact whatsoever!

THE TOON PREPARE FOR THE 2nd HALF KICK OFF (Why did we bother!)

We did a bit better in the 2nd period when we actually had a shot on goal from Shelvey in the 50th minute and in a 'purple patch? we got a few corners az well, but we couldn't de the blindingleee obvious, and put the baall in the net! 



THE TOON MAKE A RARE 'SORTE' @ THE GLADYS STREET END (2nd half)


Super sub Mitrovic had missed a great chance, but wellied wide---and that waz it!
The Toffee Noses hit the wood-work 3 times in the 2nd half az Elliot in The Toon goal kept the score doon by deflectin' shots onto the post and bar!
2 penalties for the home side in the dyin' embers of the game, the last one in which Lascelles got himself needlessly sent off 'did justice' to the scoreline!

After the match on the car radio 'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' unbelievably said we were "in it til the death" until we gave the 2 penalties away!
But NIL goals meenz NIL points, if the opposition get just ONE goal, Steve!

"DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD ANYTHING???"

In complete contrast to the above statement, The Daily Mail said: 'Newcastle were wretched, why do they bother!'---'They were just rubbish, lacking energy, commitment and wit!'

Just SIX goals in FOURTEEN competitive away games this season and TEN defeats in THORTEEN tells it's own sorry tale!

Wor 'last throw of the dice' comes in 2 days time!
 
Failure to beat WBA at home on Saturday and we are knackered! FULL STOP..........................................................................!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini (Lascelles 44), Dummett (Aarons 46), Saivet (Mitrovic 55), Shelvey, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Toonsend, Perez

Attendance: 36, 061 (2,000 Toon fans on the brink of mutiny!) *    

THE TOFFEE NOSES v THE TOON *** TOONEET @ '7:45 BELLS'!

Posted '11:15am bells' Wednesday 3rd February 2016

We gan into toneets game @ Goodison Park in the hope that wor new players can drag us away from the bottom 3 places and a win would de just that, against a poor Everton team who are gettin' dragged into the mire az well, just 8 points aheed of us!
(And just 3 home wins aall season!---just like us!)

Andros Toonsend iz expected to make hiz debut, but Saydou Doumbia will miss oot (we 'fink') because of work permit problems!

With 8 defeats in the 11 away games we have played this season and just 6 goals scored, this iz the worst record in the entire Futbaall Leegue! (goals scored that iz!)

Results last neet were 'mixed' but if we can  win wor 3rd away game of the season then we will leapfrog Norwich into 4th bottom place!

Lets hope the new players make a difference ---"EH!"

We leave by 'jam jar' @ '1:30 bells' for the trip across the Pennines and a full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

"Keep the faith!"

SEYDOU SIGNS!

Posted '1:12pm bells' Tuesday 2nd February 2016

At last! an out an out striker haz been signed on the last day of the transfor window!
Seydou Doumbia haz signed on loan from Italian side AS Roma and the Ivory Coast international will probably make hiz debut this comin' Saturday against 'The Baggie Troosers' of WBA @ SJP, az a work permit will not be in place for wor visit to 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton tomorrow neet!

This brings the total signins in 'the window' to 4 and a total spend of nearly £30 million if yoo believe the papers!

Lets hope that Henri Saivet, Jonjo Shelvey, Andros Toonsend and wor 'new boy' can finally give us 'lift off' and drag us away from the 'abyss' of the bottom 3!

We shall soon find oot in the next couple of weeks, when a trip to Chelski iz aalso forthcomin' a week on Saturday!

JUST 11 HOURS TO GAN BEFORE THE WINDOW SHUTS!

Updated 'high noon bells' Munday 1st February 2016

Wor quest for an out and out striker gans on and on, followin' the akwassisson  <(we naa aall the big words, but divvint naa how to spelll them!) of Jonjo Chelvney, Henri Saivet and Andros Toonsend so far in the transfor window!
Toonsend can play up front but iz a winger by choice, so a proven centre forward iz a 'must' to stave off the threat of trips to MK Dons and the likes, next season!

Speculation iz rife az to who we may (or may not!) sign, includin' Loic Remy from Chelski and Berahino from WBA, but these look to be 'dead in the water' az we speak!
A bid of £21 million waz reportedly rejected for Berahino yesterday and we understand that we have upped this to £24 million today!

The deadline iz '11:00pm bells' toneet so we'd better get wor skates on!
Super flop Flo Thauvin iz heedin' back to Marseille from whence he came (on loan) and 'past hiz sell by date' Mike Williamson haz signed for Wolves

Meenwhile!--Man City's 4-0 win at Villa in the FA Cup on Saturday meenz that there iz 'ne chance' of us fittin' them in on '5th roond day' az waz speculated, shud they have lost!
This meenz that we anly have 3 games now in the whole of February---Everton on Wednesday, WBA next Saturday and Chelski a week later on the 13th!--and nothin' at aall in the 2nd half of the month!

PS: A'v got to gan to graft this afternoon and there will be ne forthaa updates til tomorrow dinnaatime when the deadline iz ower! 
Remember wor motto: "We will bring yoo the news second hand, forst!" (or shud that be "Forst hand, second"?)  

YET ANOTHAA BLANKETY BLANK WEEKEND TO FILL IN!

Posted '12:22pm bells' Friday 29th January 2016

"HELLO FOLKS!---YOU'LL BE SEEIN' A LOT MORE OF ME
IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!"

This weekend iz FA Cup 4th roond day(s!) and with us gannin' oot to Wotfad in the last roond we are left kickin' wor heels yet again!
(The 5th time this season that we will have had a blank weekend!)

Of course 5th roond weekend on Feb 20/21 will be blank az well because of this, az will the last weekend in February, az Man City will now be playin' in the Leegue Cup final at Wembley on the Sunday, (after they knocked oot Everton in the semis in midweek) and NOT @ SJP in a leegue game @ 'high noon bells' az waz planned!
(That's TWO weekends in a row withoot a game!)

This meeenz that we wont now have a game between playin' Chelski at home on 13th Feb and Stoke away on the 2nd March!

That's the price of success!----for OTHAA teams that iz!

"NO FRINGE BENEFITS HERE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 28th January 2016

SOMEWHERE INSIDE THE MANAGERS OFFICE @ ST. JAMES' PARK!

Just when yoo 'fink' it cannit get any worse then it DOES!

Whoever's idea it waz to arrange a 'behind closed doors' friendly against the SMBs @ The SOS yesterday, shud be hung drawn and quartered!  <(Are yoo readin' this Steve!?)

We were on 'a hiding to nothing' after wor 6 previous results against them---and that's exactly wot we got, SIX goals to NOTHING in their favour!

We were telt that this 'secret' game (that everybody naaz aboot now!) waz arranged to give wor 'fringe' players a workout!

We have to tell yoo that there were NO 'fringe benefits' for us and that the players involved shud be signin' on for UNEMPLOYMENT 'BENEFITS' instead----ASAP!

Toon 'fringe' team?: Darlow, Barlaser, Steve Taylor, Lascelles, Gibson, Roberts, Gouffran, Longstaff, Marveaux, Aarons, Riviere 

'TOON'SEND IN TOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 26th January 2016

At last!--'some light at the end of the tunnel' regardin' the signin' of a quality wide man/striker!
Andros Townsend (now renamed by 'The Geordie Times' az Andros TOONsend!) iz due for a medical @ SJP tomorrow and iz expected to sign on the dotted line very soon!

A revised bid of £12 million haz been excepted by Sporz for the 24 year old Ing-er-land international and he will make hiz debut @ Goodison Park a week tomorrow (shud he pass the medical!)
Hiz wages are said to be in the region of £55,000 per week!  <(nearly az much az 'me'!)  <(if only!)

He iz quoted az sayin: "As soon as I knew that Newcastle were interested in me, they were they only club I wanted to join!"

Lets hope that he and Shelvey torn oot to be wor saviours and save us from the 'abyss'! 

WOTFAD 2 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '11:19am bells' Sunday 24th January 2016

A FAN HOLDS A SIGN UP IN TRIBUTE TO TOON DIEHARD 'CLIFFY'
WHO SADLY DIED IN THE RVI BEHIND ST JAMES' PARK
AFTER THE MAN U GAME

"ARE WE AALL IN 'DENIAL'!?"

A hat-trick of defeats in 'the smoke' in the last 3 weeks and a hat-trick of defeats to unglamorous Wotfad this season tells it's own sorry tale aboot wor current sorry plight!

Goals meen prizes, so WHY waz 'in form' Perez, who iz wor joint top goalscorer away from home this season  <(with TWO goals!) left oot of the startin' line up in favour of 'oot of form Mitrovic'  <(wor othaa joint top away scorer!) and Wijnaldum, who haz scored precisely NIL goals away from home!

We had a chance orly on when Aarons shot across the goal at the far end from us and missed the goal by a canny few yards!

Then Mitrovic had a chance to put us in the lead but shot against the legs of Wotfad's goalie and the baall went oot for a corner!

Apart from these 'highlights' of the forst half it waz back to the borin' misplaced passin' game az haz been the norm this season.

Rob Elliot made a double save after this to deny Wotfad and we went in level at the break, which waz better than a fortneet ago when we were one behind at this point!

However!--with just ONE minute on the clock in the 2nd period a through pass from a Wotfad player foond Ighalo who rounded Rob Elliot in the Toon goal to put the home side in front! (Hiz 'knee' waz later foond to be 'offside' in TV replays!) (McClaren missed this goal az he waz still comin' doon the tunnel for the re-start, yet he claimed the goal was definatly offside?)

Fluffed heeders then followed from us and Wotfad doubled their lead in the 58th minute when a scrabble in the box foond Cathcart and he wellied the baall home az the away fans held their head in hands in despair! <(at least 'I' did!)

Lascelles who had been awful up til this point then gave us some hope when he 'heeded' a Shelvey corner home 'with hiz nose' in the 71st minute, az blood poured doon hiz face!

Wotfad had chances to make it 3-1 on a couple of occasions aftaa this but couldn't finish us off---we did that worsels with missed chances later from 'super subs' Perez and Riviere!

PEREZ (on groond) MISSES A CHANCE LATE ON
(IF ANLY HE HAD BEEN ON FROM THE START!)

Anothaa bad performance and McClaren tells us later that we played well!---obviously HE iz reet and WE are in 'denial' and divvint naa wot we are taalkin aboot! <(aall 2,100 of us who made the jorney doon)

Toon team: Elliot, Lacselles, Coloccini (Riviere 88), Mbemba, Sissoko, Saivet (Perez 59), Shelvey, Aarons (Gouffran 59), Wijnaldum, Mitrovic

Attendance: 20,611 (plus some watchin' from the hospital windows in the far corner of the groond!) (2,100 Toon fans in 'denial'!) *

 

 

 

Sad stat: NUFC have now scored a total of just SIX goals away from home in TWELVE leegue and cup games

The lowest total of the 92 in the entire Futbaall Leegue!  

 

The pre and post match 'gargels' took place here!

 in Wotfad toon centre

 

 

WOTFAD v THE TOON (part 2!) *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 22nd January 2016

In a previous life!: "HAVE WE NOT BEEN HERE BEFORE?---LIKE!"

It's a case of 'daja vu' on Saturday when we heed for "Landan Toon" once again.
We travel by cho choo train to King's Cross at the same time doon ('7am bells') and the same time back ('7pm bells') via the same route through mackemland  <(shut the curtains!) and monkeyhangerland, due to 'on gannin' line work on the East Coast main line, az we did a fortneet ago for wor FA Cup tie!

"NOW WHICH TICKET IZ IT, AGAIN?"

And of course we are gannin to the same place az well (Vicarage Road) via Euston station, az we did a fortneet ago and will 'ne doubt' be drinkin' in the same Wotfad pubs az well ('The Flag', 'The Lion', etc!)

Wot we divvint want however, iz the SAME RESULT! az a fortneet ago and can anly hope that we divvint play like we did in wor FA Cup horror when we lost 1-0!

We've played 'canny' of course in wor 2 home games since then and the arrival of Jonjo Shelvey haz been 'a breath of fresh air' az we try and dig worsels oot of the bottom 3! (once again!)
Aall 2,100 away tickets have been sold!

Sad stats: NUFC have anly had anly THREE goalscorers in total away from home this season, Mitrovic(2), Perez(2) and Cisse(1)!
That's a total of just FIVE goals in TEN away games that have been scored in that time, between them!
We have failed to score in SEVEN of those games and have taken just SEVEN points oot of a possible THORTY on the road! (2 wins, 1 draw and 7 defeats)

There iz still ne news on a much needed striker (see above stats!), az it's aall went quiet on the transfor front, with 22 days of 'the 31 day window' now gone!---Time iz runnin' oot!---FAST! 

A full 'Geordie Times' match and 'liquid lubrication location' report will appear here sometime on Sunday! 

TOON TRANSFOR ROOMAAAZ!

Posted '11:42am bells' Wednesday 20th January 2016

THE TRANSFOR WINDOW!

Roomaaz that we are aboot to sign Andros Townsend from Sporz are dein the roonds az we speak. Townsend haz featured just 3 times in the Premyaa Leegue this season--aall from the subs bench and we understand the winger iz keen to move on az he iz sick of playin' in Sporz U21 side where he haz played a number of times this season!--We will keep yoo posted! 

WBA striker Saido Berahino iz aalso on wor 'shoppin list' and haz been one of wor targets for a lang time. It's said we have put in a £15 million bid in the last few days!---again! we will keep yoo posted to any developments that may (or may not!) happen in the next few days!