THE TOON 3 THE TOFFEE NOSES 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 29th December 2014

"JACK'S THE LAD!"

We said yesterday that we thought the game would probably be a bore draw and that's exactleee wot we didn't get! <(yet again 'The Geordie Times' gets it aall wrang!)

The sequence of events were az follows:

5th minute: Disaster strikes az The Toffee Noses gan ahead through Kone, who shoots home from inside the 6 yard box @ The Gallowgate End!

33rd minute: Cisse clobbers Colman with hiz elbow after he iz held back---luckily the officials missed it!

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL (1st half)

37th minute: Tiote's cross iz pulled back by Williamson and it faalls nicely for Cisse who rifles the baall into the net for the equaliser!

53rd minute: Tiote finds Perez inside the box and the Spaniard tuck a neeet shot just inside the post to put The Toon 2-1 up!

70th minute: Everton's Ross Barkley drops a clanger and gives the baall straight to 'Ginger Jack' Colback and he gleefully excepts hiz belated Xmas present and knocks the baall underneath Robles in the visitors goal!  He celebrates hiz FORST EVER GOAL for us wildly, in front of The Gallowgate End!

'GINGER JACK'  SENDS IN A CORNER FROM THE GALLOWGATE END
(View from Milburn Stand balcony)

82nd minute: We try to shoot worsels in the foot by allowin' Merallas through the middle and he chips Alnwick to bring the game back to 3-2 az the 3,000 Toffee Noses celebrate high up behind The Leazes goal!

82nd to 95th minutes: A nailbitin' last few minutes then follows and we are very unfortunate not to gan 4-2 up when Perez hits the post from the edge of the area deep into injury time!---the baall rebounds to Riviere but he slices the baall wide!

We 'haad on' to claim the valuable 3 points and prove 'The Geordie Times' wrang! <(we are so pleezed we were wrang!---beleeeve yoo me!) to end this sad and tragic year on a 'high'!

Toon team: Alnwick, Janmaat, Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Perez, Sissoko, Tiote, Colback, Gouffran (Cabella 91), Cisse (Riviere 72)

Attendance: 52,313 (3,000 Toffee Noses)   *

THE TOON v THE TOFFEE NOSES *** THIS AFTERNOON!

Posted '9:55am bells' Sunday 28th December 2014

ACTION FROM LAST SEASON @ SJP *** WE LOST 3-0 !

We gan into todays live telly game ('4:15 bells' on SKY) lookin' to avoid wor 5th defeat 'on the bounce' against an Everton side who have won just 1 oot of their last 6 games and a 'bore-draw' seems the likely outcome!---especially since wor 'manager of the month' haz said that he wants 4 points oot of the next 6! 
Az we are at home today and New Years Day (against Bornley) we can anly assume? that a draw today and 3 points against relegation threatened Bornley are hiz ambitions!  (Surely we shud be gannin for aall SIX points???)


Anyway!---a full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!  

THE MANC MUPPETS 3 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:21am bells' Saturday 27th December 2014

"TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED!"  <("We anly lost 3-1 !")

PAPPIS CISSE SCORES FROM THE SPOT @ 'THE THEATRE OF MUPPETS'!

Wor last away game of 2014 ended in a predictable defeat, although a 3-1 revorse waz better than we expected!

We said yesterday mornin' in 'The Geordie Times' that we feared that Rooney and co. would have their shootin' boots on and that's exactly wot happened az 'The Wigged Wonder from Mickeymouseland' scored two eazy goals, the forst that your great grandma could have knocked in with hor zimmer frame!

Some of the 3,000 Toon fans were in festive spirit az they chucked beer @ £4.50 a pint ower each othaa in the concourse before the game! <(They've got more money than brains in their empty heeds--me finx!)
Aa managed to avoid a soakin' by heedin' for 'shelter' in mee seat in row 21 of 'The East Stand' (formerly 'The Scoreboard End'!)

The Toon ran oot in an inexplicable grey strip (WHY?) when of course we wore wor famous black n white stripes in wor famous victory here the year before!

VIEW FROM ROW 21, SEAT 61, EAST STAND

In the 14th minute we had a penalty appeal waved away by the ref after Mata clips Gouffran in the box at the far Stretford End <(It waz hard to tell from where we were, if it was a pen or not?)

It waz soon 'backs to the waall' az Man U pounded wor goal and it waz a suprize that it took then az lang az the 22nd minute to take the lead az heavy rain lashed doon!
Mata foond Falcao and hiz precision pass foond an unmarked Rooney who had the simple task of sidefootin' the baall into wor net ---(tooo eazy!)

Their lead waz soon doubled just 13 minutes later when Falcao again foond Rooney and he excepted hiz chance to finish well!

CRICKET GROOND

We'd been to a boozer next to Old Trafford Cricket Groond before the game and a 'cricket score' at it's 'namesake' now looked on the cards!
However!---there waz ne more scorin' til half time and we trooped off the pitch, lookin' resigned to defeat aalready!


THE TOON ATTACK THE STRETFORD END (1st half)


It took the home side just 7 minutes in the 2nd period to increase their lead when 'The Wigged Wonder' lofts the baall ower wor defence to find the heed on Van Persie who (unmarked) heeded past a helpless Jak Alnwick in The Toon goal @ 'The Stretford End'!
With nearly 40 minutes left on the clock it didn't look tooo good for us, but 'The Mancs' took their foot off the gas on the field az 70,000 'Muppets' in the crowd cheered half heartedly! <(there were thoosands of Man U 'tourists' in 'The Theatre of Muppets', wearin' their new gear from the club shop and many had those awful 'half and half' scarves on!)

Anyway!--- there WAZ anothaa goal!---from US! <(horray!) when in the 85th minute Jack Colback waz fouled in the box by Jones and Cisse made ne misstayk from the spot, az he fired the baall into the top corner of the net to give the 3,000 Toon faithful at least sommik to cheer!

THE TOP OF 'THE PENNINES' ON THE M62
(View from 'Biffa the Beer's jam jar!) 

That's the way it ended and we heeded back to wor car which waz parked near the groond and after a near 4 hour drive back through rain, fog and blizzard conditions on the M62 we arrived back on Tyneside, thankful that, indeed, it wasn't a 'cricket score' in the end!

Toon team: Alnwick, Janmaat, Coloccini, Steve Taylor, Dummett (Cabella 63), Colback, Anita, Sissoko, Perez (Vuckic 82), Gouffran, Armstrong (Cisse 63)

Attendance: 75,318 (72,318 'Theatre of Muppeteers', 3,000 Toon fans!)   *


THE PRE MATCH 'GARGELS' TOOK PLACE HERE!

A PLAQUE TO MUNICH AIR CRASH VICTIM TOMMY TAYLOR
HE LIVED IN THIS HOOSE OWER THE ROAD FROM THE CRICKET GROOND

FOOTBAALL TOURISTS & 'THE THEATRE OF MUPPETS'---AN EXPLANATION!

Man U are without doubt the most tourist riven club in the world!
The sight of 100's of bemused oriental ladies and gentlemen (some wearin' face masks!) heedin' for the tornstiles with their bags of souvenirs from the club shop and wearin' half and half Manc/Toon scarves waz a sight to behold!

Of course there are many others from other parts of planet Orth az well, just like the Orient <(NOT Leyton!) who claim to follow them, from Dublin to Dubai!---and of course!, London to Lahore! 
Stalls ootside the groond sellin' anythin' from hot dogs to tacky team photos (and of course!) half and half scarves were everywhere and they reminded me of the Sunday market on Newcastle quayside!
Scarf sellers in particular were in abundance on the pavements ootside the tornstiles sellin' their wares to gazing 'tourists', eager to snap up a bargain!? <(NOT!) az they took photos of everything and anything that moved!

Inside the groond yoo could see that they just didn't naa wot to de when Rooney scored---shud they wave their half Toon scarves?---or clap?---or cheer!?---"Welcome to 'The Theatre of Muppets!"

  

THE MANC MUPPETS v THE TOON *** TOOODAY @ '3 BELLS'

Posted '7:43am bells' Boxin' Day 2014

This mornin' we heed ower the Pennines to 'The Theatre of Muppets' where we take on a rejuvenated home side under their new manager!
Last season of course we witnessed wor forst win there since 1972 and a repeat of that wud be a very nice Xmas present indeeed!
However!--reality tells us that this iz very unlikely to happen, especially if Rooney and co. have got their shootin' boots on? (and we havvent!) and we of course are on 'a downer' after 3 bad defeats in a row!

We will have a followin' of 3,000 in the away end and pleeeze!---ne smoke bombs in the concourse this time, like at Sporz!
The match iz live on BT Sports

History lesson: We forst played Newton Heath (who later became Man U) 114 years ago, on 6th April 1895 @ Bank Street, Manchester and we lost 5-1 in a (old) Division 2 game in front of a 6,000 crowd

Wor forst ever meetin' @ Old Trafford waz on 15th October 1910 in the old 1st Division, when (again) we lost, this time by 2-0 in front of 50,000.

Geordie Times history: A 2-1 defeat 41 years ago, on 17th March 1973 in front of 48,426, when Irving Nattrass scored for us. We were in the Main Stand Paddock that day <(Me finx?)

Wor aall time record against them isn't so good eetha, in the159 competitive games played between us, NUFC have won 41, drawn 37 and lost 81 times against them!   

A full 'Geordie Times' match report and pix will appear here tomorrow sometime and we can anly hope that it's 'glad tidings we bring'?

PS: We make ne apology for 'digging up' last seasons historic win 'doon there' and this iz printed below!

THE MUPPETS OF MANCHESTER 0 THE TOON 1 !!! ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14 *** "THE JINX HAZ BEEN JETTISONED!" *** "THE CURSE IZ CAST!"

Updated '8:15pm bells' Sunday 8th December 2013

Aa forst saw The Toon play @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' az a fresh faced teenager ower 40 years ago, when we lost 2-1 in a old Forst Division match and up til '12:45 bells' yesterday aa still had never seen them win there! (Apart from 2 FA Cup semis against Sporz and Sheff Utd)
A'v been gannin' ever since and waz beginnin' to think that we would NEVER EVER beat them there in my lifetime!


"IZ THIS WOR LUCKY OMEN BAR? ***READ ON!"


Before the match we heeded off to wor usual Manchester 'haunt' of 'The Retro Bar' not too far from Piccadilly train station where the bar manager had a familiar 'Geordie twang' to hiz accent!
"Where are yee from-like?" aa asked him!
"Scotshy Road!", came the reply (that's Scotswood Road in Newcastle, made famous in 'The Blaydon Races' song!)
Iz this a 'lucky omen' aa thought???

Anyway!--- after a few 'gargels' we heeded for Salford on the train which handily dropped us outside the away tornstiles and 'in we went'!

We started off well and enjoyed a descent spell of possession with several chances gannin' aa beggin' and we edged the forst half and went in goal-less at the break!

Again we came oot in the 2nd period intent on winnin' it and then on the hour mark @ precisely '2:06 bells' a wonderous thing happened!
'The Sissoko Kid' got a slice of luck az the baall broke for him doon the right and he waz able to gallop forward before cuttin' the baall back to Yohan Cabaye who fired 'the wonder goal' past Gea in 'The Muppeteers' goal!
The three thousand Toon fans then went 'completeleee off it' az they jumped on the seats and one kid behind me nearly broke hiz leg az he went 'arse ower tit' into the row in front!

There waz still quite a way to gan az the clock ticked doon slowly with every minute seemin' like an hour az the home side pressed for the equaliser!

THE TOON (in their Brazil strip!) CELEBRATE WOR FAMOUS VICTORY!

It never came! and on the final whistle we celebrated az though we'd just won the FA Cup!---A MAGIC MOMENT for everyone present! ("er!" apart from the 72,000 Muppets!---many of whom had since departed!)

So here I am, fast appoachin' 'zimmerfame', free prescription and bus pass age, with mee forst ever win against them doon here 'under mee belt' at last!


 'The Sporting Life' reported: 
Amid their glee the Magpie fans delivered two of the cruellest jibes! "You're gettin' sacked in the morning!" towards David Moyes and "You're goin' down with The mackems!", the derogatory name they give to their arch rivals from wearside!    


It waz 41 years ago that we last beat 'The Cockney Boys of Salford' on their own patch, but az curses would have it I wasn't there to see it!

Honestleee!---it waz a golden moment to savour!---to finalleee get this 'monkey off wor back'!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy (Yanga 83), Williamson, Coloccini,  Santon, Tiote, Anita, Sissoko, Cabaye (Shola Ameobi 78), Gouffran (Ben Arfa 77), Remy

Attendance: 75,233 (3,000 Toon fans who will NEVER forget this day!)

"THE JINX HAZ BEEN JETTISONED!***
THE CURSE HAZ BEEN CAST!"

"MERRY XMAS TO AALL WOR REEDERS!"

SPORZ 4 THE TOON 0 *** LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL

Posted '8:04pm bells' Xmas Eve 2014

"Sorry for the late postin' of this game---nearly a week late!---but this IZ 'The Geordie Times'!"

THE TOON (in green & blue) KICK THE GAME OFF!
(View from the front row of the upper tier of the away end)

"YET MORE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!"

After the capitulation in the capital city against 'The Arse' the previous Saturday, wor 'manager of the month' telt us that we must regroup and put on a show for the 4,200 fans who had trekked back to the capital just fower days later for 'this one'!
Well!---at least we scored against 'The Arse' az this time it waz even worse!

Some 'piss-brain' from 'wor lot' set off a smokebomb in the away concourse resultin' in the tornstiles bein' closed az the fire alarms went off!
Aa waz 'lucky'? and managed to get in before the start, az huge plumbs of smoke enveloped it.
Many Toon fans missed the kick off  because of this 'toe-rag', who shud be banned for life in they catch him/hor! <(99% certain it will be a 'him'!)

The goal sequences were az follows!
18th minute: A corner by Sporz at 'wor end' waz fumbled by 3rd choice keeper Jak Alnwick and Bentaleb waz waitin' to volley home! (0-1!)

46th minute: Chadli received up the baall and fires past Alnwick with barely 40 seconds on the clock into the 2nd half! (0-2!)

65th minute; Harry Kane shoots past Alnwick to put Sporz '3 up' with the game now beyond us!

70th minute: Jak Alnwick punches the baall straight to Soldado who gleefully excepts hiz chance to put us 'oot' and Sporz into the 'semis'!

THE TOON ATTACK THE SPORZ GOAL (2nd half)

After the match wor 'manager of the month' tells us that we must 'regroup' and beat the mackems in Sunday's upcomin' derby match @ St James', tellin' us: Quote: "We have to make sure our fans go home with a performance which gives them a win!"  Unquote!

Guess wot happened next!????

Toon team: Alnwick, Coloccini, Williamson, Haidera, Dummett, Colback, Cabella (Vuckic 80), Gouffran, Perez, Sissoko (Anita 72), Riviere (Armstrong 60)

Attendance: 34,677 (4,199 pissed-off Toon fans and 1 piss-brain!)

NEW GROOND JUST VISITED!

Posted '8:17 pm bells' Tuesday 23rd December 2014

Below iz 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' match report from Bolton academy from last Saturday <(yooo aalways get the match report----eventually!)

315 lostock academy, lostock, "ne where near bolton!"

(Ground number 315)
Date of First Visit: 20th December 2014
Lostock Academy, Lostock

Bolton Wanderers U18s  0
Newcastle United U18s  1  (Jamie Holmes)

Under 18 Premier League
Attendance: 43 (includin' 7 Toon fans)  <(3 of us were missin' at the start!)



THE TOON ATTACK THE BOLTON GOAL (1st half)


'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' picked me and 'Glennn from Ashington' up at the appointed time of  '9 am bells' in hiz jam jar and 'off we set' across the Pennines via Brough and Kirkby Stephen and doon the M6.
We had plenty of time to spare before the '12:30 bells' kick and I told 'Blondie' that there waz a boozer not too far from Bolton's main ground, which in turn, wasn't too far from their academy! (accordin' to the map!)

And then disaster struck!---az we drove doon the M6 a huge traffic jam blockin' aall 3 lanes suddenly appeared in front of us at junction 34!
A quick look at the map telt me that it might be a better bet to torn off there and find another way!---then!---aall of a sudden the traffic started movin' and we made the fatal missteak of stayin' on the motorway!  Half a mile forthaa on and we were stopped dead again and didn't move for 15 minutes!
Glennn foond a traffic report on hiz 'mobile' which said that a lorry had owertorned between junction 34 and 33 and 2 lanes were blocked!---hence the 'jam!

Time waz tickin' by and we soon realised that there waz 'ne chance' of makin' the kick off az we sat in the queue motionless for anothaa 20 minutes!---(and ne time now for a pre-match 'gargel', eethaa!)

The dreaded thought that we might miss the match aaltogether dawned on us at 'high noon bells' az we were still 30 odd miles from wor destination on "The Highway To Hell!"
And then at last the queue started to move and we passed a 'Malcolm of Brookfield' artic which had owertorned and waz the cause of wor delay!
'Full speed ahead' waz now the order of the day and we got to the game some 19 minutes late, but we were telt by a Toon fan who we think? iz  caalled 'The Secret Pigeon' <(see Burnley match report!) that it waz goal-less and that we had missed nowt!

The wind waz bitin' az we stood by the touchline, but at least it waz from behind us and not in wor faces!
And then in the 39th minute (20th by wor watches!) the deadlock waz broken when a cross from Jamie *Colburn foond Jamie Holmes and he neatly back heeled the baall into the Bolton net with the keeper stranded! 
*'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' haz since pointed out to me that the player who crossed the baall iz in fact caalled Jamie COBAIN!
(Well done 'Blondie' for spottin' my dilllibrit mistayk!) 


ACTION FROM THE 2nd HALF


Huge applause rang oot from the 7 Toon faithful present ("Er!"---wor hands were cold!) az the youngins celebrated in the right hand goal from us!

To wor left and in the far distance wor U16s were playin' az well on a higher level pitch but we have to tell yoo that we didn't have a clue wot the score waz from that game <(and still divvint!)


THE U16s GAME***IN THE DISTANCE!


There waz ne more scorin' in the 2nd period of wor game, (in wot waz a very drab contest!) and we ran oot 1-0 winners to record yet anothaa groond/pitch off 'the mad-sad groundhoppers list'

The jorney back waz uneventful <(ne holdups this time!) and we arrived back on Tyneside @ '5 bells' for some celebratory 'liquid lubrications'!

THERE WERE NE TEAMSHEETS, SO WE PRODUCED WOR OWN!

THE TOON 0 THE SMBs 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '8:47am bells' Munday 22nd December 2014

Hollow promises from wor manager Alan P45DEW that we would 'reward' wor fans with a  'fightin performance' in the derby after the disastrous defeat at Sporz last Wednesday, fell on 'deaf ears' az we lost to them for the 4th time in a row, givin' us (and HIM!) this very unwanted record in Tyne/wear history, stretchin' back to the 19th century!

Playin' just one up front for the 4th time in a row against them waz a recipe for disaster (again!) and we put in a disjointed performance, hardly able to put two passes together and hoofin the baall aimlessly upfield at any opportunity!
The mackems wornt any better az two mediocre teams slogged it oot for 89 minutes withoot any breakthrough!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END (1st HALF)


There were chances for both sides to open the scorin' before that, but terrible finishin' waz the order of the day!
And then in the very last minute of this cr*p game the horror story unfolded az they scored @ The Gallowgate End!
I covered my face and then looked through the cracks of my fingers, hopin' against hope that the ref would disallow it for some reason---but he DIDN'T! and the game waz lost!


2nd HALF ACTION @ THE LEAZES END


The boozers were jam packed after the game and we ended the neet in 'The Railway Club' where a'd previously bought a Xmas raffle ticket from 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber'---number 1996 came up az the winner of a bottle of vodka and it waz MY ticket that won it!

Oh! the f***in' temptation to drink the lot then and there!!!

Toon team who now have that unwanted record!:
Alnwick, Janmaat, Steve Taylor, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote (Cisse 75), Colback, Sammy Ameobi (Cabella 89), Sissoko, Gouffran (Armstrong 59), Perez

Attendance: 52,315 (3,000 mackems) The mackems joined in the usual 17th minutes applause for the MH17 victims and we applauded them in the 33rd minute in response, for the fund they had started which raised £33,000)   *