NEW ZEALAND "LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!" TOUR *** PLUS!: *** "JAWMANY CALLING" PRE-SEASON TOURNAMENT 2014-2015

Posted '10:10pm bells' Wednesday 30th April 2014


SOMEWHERE NEAR NORTH SHIELDS FERRY TORMINAL!
"HOW FAR IZ NEW ZEALAND?---LIKE!?"---"BBBAAAAAAA!"


News of a pre season tour of New Zealand, followed by a weekend tournament in Jawmany have been released by NUFC

The dates and venues are az follows:

Tuesday 22nd July 2014: Sydney FC v The Toon @ Forsyth Barr, Dundedin, Sooth Island, New Zealand

Saturday 26th July 2014: Wellington Pheonix v The Toon @ Westpac Stadium, Wellington, North Island, New Zealand

Saturday 2nd August: @ Veltins Arena, Gelsenkirchen, Jawmany
Toon opponents to be conformed

Sunday 3rd August: @ Veltins Arena
Toon opponents to be conformed

Saturday 9th or Sunday 10th August: Ne friendly fixture on this weekend annoonced so far <(cud be 'aa told him' Oldham?)

Saturday 16th August: Premyaa Leegue season starts

A forst team game against a club nearer to home, namely Oldham Athletic haz aalso been mooted, but haz yet to be conformed

The Geordie Times 'mad-sad groundhoppers' WILL be gannin to the Jawmany games, but! New Zealand iz a little bit toooo expensive and far away, so we will be 'Telly Hoppin' for theeze games! <(unless some kind/stupid! souls oot there, lend us 'the bit'!)

THE ARSE 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE *** 2013-2014

Posted '2:10pm bells' Tuesday 29th April 2014

View from row 15 seat 644 lower tier

"TOTAL APATHY!"

Last neet waz the neet that the Toon fans totally torned on wor beleaguered manager and az we approached the tornstiles at the visitors end we could hear the "PARDEW OUT!" chants loud and clear!---and this of course iz BEFORE the match had even kicked off!

And of course!---predicably!--- we 'hoyed the towel in' in yet anothaa depressin' performance that could send yoo to sleep az 'The Arse' totally controlled the game from start to finish.

We somehow survived 32 minutes before they took the lead when Ozil knocked the baall into wor net when he waz clearly offside?---Just before the break it waz 'game ower' az they doubled their lead through Giroud and reeely there waz 'ne way back' az we'd anly had one weak shot on target up until this point by Tiote and NE corners!"
"ALAN PARDEW!---IT'S SIX IN A ROW!" (defeats) The Toon fans mocked, alang with: "YOU'RE NOTHIN SPECIAL---WE LOSE EVERY WEEK!" az we pointed towards the home fans behind the goal nearest to us!

Giroud seeled their 3-0 victory at the mid-point of the 2nd half az Toon fans chanted: "YOU'RE NOTHIN SPECIAL!---TOTTENHAM SCORED 4!" (Sporz beat us 4-0 at St James'!)
We had two shots on target in this half (wow!) and NE corners again!
'The Arse' could easily have had more and we were thankful at least that it wasn't the SEVEN we conceded here last season!

Chants of: "PARDEW! PARDEW! WOTS YOUR EXCUSE!?" (for this defeat and sixth in a row) and: "ALAN PARDEW!---IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT!" then rang oot aroond the away terraces az the groond emptied rapidly! ---
After the match we heeded for 'The Big Red' on Holloway Road (where we had been before the match) to drown wor predicable sorrows!----"Roll on the close season!"

 Toon team: Krul, Debuchy (Yanga 84), Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Anita, Sissoko, Gosling (Shola Ameobi 70), Gouffran (Armstrong 89?) <(wot waz the point in bringin' him on for ONE minute!?), Remy

Attendance:*60,023? (1,800 Toon fans)There were thoosands of empty seats due to a tube strike so 'The Arse' must have included their season ticket holders who didn't torn up!)

THE ARSE v THE TOON **** TOOONEET!

Updated 9:15am bells' Monday 28th April 2014

'I Beg Your Pardew' haz spoken aboot hiz 'comeback'? to the dugoot @ 'The Emirates'  toneet after hiz record breakin' 7 game ban from the touchline after hiz infamous heedbutt!

Bearin' in mind we have lost a record breakin' 5 Premyaa Leegue games in a row under hiz stewardship, he reeely shud have kept hiz trap shut, az he haz 'dropped himself in it' in the past! 

Let's hope the above headline doesn't come back to haunt him (and US!) az we attempt to wipe oot the memory of wor 7-3 defeat there last season!

We are on the '12:30 bells' train @ dinnatime and travel back on Tuesday mornin'!
To hoy a spanner in the works there iz a strike planned on the London Undergroond from today for two days, makin' the jorney from King's Cross to Islington (where 'The Arse' play) just a little more difficult than usual!

'The Sissoko Kid' iz back in trainin' but Davide Santon and Papiss Cisse wont feature at aall for the rest of the season!
The bad news iz that Gabriel Obertan and 'Marveaux the Magician'? are fit and rearin' to gan!  Ne news on Ben Arfa or indeed hiz whereabouts????
We have sold just 1,800 tickets for this game and a torrid time iz expected by aall toneet!

A full match report will follow sometime on Tuesday afternoon when we get back! (or Wednesday if the '9 am bells' train from King's Cross iz late, az a'v got to rush to work @ '3 bells' in the afternoon!)

BAD BLUE BOYS 1 SHILDON 1 *** NORTHERN LEEEGUE *** YESTERDAY

Posted '11:27am bells' Sunday 27th April 2014

DUNSTON (IN BLUE) ATTACK THE SHILDON GOAL
@ 'THE TEA HUT END'

The plan to de a Gatesheed 'doubler heeder' didn't come to fruition az the '3 bells' game at Dunston (in west Gatesheed) waz held up after an injury to a Dunston player, which didn't leave much time to heed to the othaa side of town for 'The Heedbangers' vital game against Cambridge which kicked off at '5:30 bells'! (Dunston's groond iz near the 'Metro Centre' and the traffic waz 'chocker' ootside!)

After a very long discussion (aboot 10 seconds!), it waz decided to stay in the Dunston clubhoose instead (for some liquid lubrication!) and get the scores from 'Tex Taylor', who waz at the 'Heed' game!

While 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston' drew 1-1 with Shildon, Gatesheed had a magnificent 2-0 win in front of aalmost 3,000 @ The International Stadium!
The result meeenz that they must travel to Grimsby on Thorsday neet for the 1st leg of their semi-final play off, with the 2nd leg @ Gatesheed next Sunday, with the 'prize' for the winners a trip to Wembley Stadium for the final and a place back in The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence!

Az The Toon play Cardiff next Saturday @ St James' it meenz that we will definitely be able to gan to the 2nd leg to cheer 'The Heedbangers' on to Wembley! <(hopefully!)

PS: News on wor trip to London tomorrow when 'The Toon' play 'The Arse' will be forthcomin' later

THE TOON U21s 1 THE ARSE U21s 3 ***YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!

Posted '12:32pm bells' Saturday 26th April 2014

Cunningly disguised az a tree!, 'Liam from the Lamp' took this
'Geordie Times' excluuusive foto @ Darsley Park in yesterday's
behind closed doors game between
The Toon's resorves and The Arse's resorves!

Yesterday afternoon @ Darsley Park, Benton wor U21 resorve side were soundly beaten by The Arse in a behind closed doors encoontaa!
We sent wor secret undercover reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' to this game and he gained admittance by diggin' a hole under the fence and hidin' behind a tree in the groond to avoid detection!

Typically The Toon took the lead through Satka when he heeded home after just 2 minutes! (we say 'typically' az they can never seem to hold onto a lead!)

Just before the break the visitors ('typically'!) equalised through Akpom and the sides went in level.

An Akpom penalty in the 61st minutes gave The Arse the lead for the forst time and they sealed victory at the death when Niles fired home to make it 1-3 to the visitors!

Attendance: 30 friends and family of the players etc , (plus one tree!)

SMOKIN' JOE *** HONOURED AT LAST!

Posted '1:52pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014


FAIRS CUP WINNIN' CAPTAIN BOBBY MONCUR MAKES A SPEECH
AT THE UNVEILIN' OF THE JOE HARVEY PLAQUE


45 years after hiz greatest managerial achievement, and 25 years since he sadly passed away, 'Smokin Joe Harvey' haz had a magnificent bronze plaque unveiled in hiz honour near 'The Jackie Milburn Statue' @ 'The Gallowgate End' of St James' Park.

Joe won 2 FA Cup winners medal in the 1950's az a player and the Inter Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 az a manager!---wor last piece of major silverware! <(aa waz still at skooool!---it waz that lang ago!)

Whey!---'Smokin' Joe' (who waz a chain smoker!) iz SO famous that there's even a band named after him in the USA!

"BLANKETY BLANK X NINE!"

Posted '12:27pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014

"OH NO! *** NOT YEE AGAIN!"

For the 9th (NINETH!) time this season we have a blank weekend az we divvint play 'The Arse' away til Monday neet, meenin' yet more time off graft and of course expense! (hotels etc!)

We think that this MUST be a record, az iz wor 5 (FIVE!) Premyaa Leegue defeats in a row under the 'stewardship'? of 'I Beg Your Pardew'!
Somehow we can't see how this 'run' will not be extended to 6 (SIX!) and a torrid time iz expected @ 'The Em' on Monday neet!

Meeenwhile!--- it isn't aall doon and gloom on Tyneside az 'Gatesheed Heedbangers' play their last game of the season in The Conference against Cambridge United on Saturday teatime and even a draw will secure them a place in the 'play-off semis', with the ultimate dream a victory at Wembley in the final and a retorn to The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence! <(we wish them well!)

Before that game there's anothaa one not far from 'the banks 'o' the Tyne' @ Northern Leegue 'Dunston Bad Blue Boys', who are hostin' Shildon in their final home game of the season @ Federation Park---and that's where we'll be heedin' forst, for this '3 bells kick off'
IF? we have time, then it will be 'a mad dash' to the othaa side of Gatesheed, just alang the Tyne, to try and make the '5:30 bells' kick off @ The International Stadium! <(we shall see!?)

"MAJOR SILVERWARE AT LAST!" ******* THE TOON RESORVES 4 THE SPARTANS OF BLYTH 0 ****** 2014 NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted '1:30pm bells' Wednesday 23rd April 2014


THE TOON ARE PRESENTED WITH THE CUP!
(SOMEWHERE!?) 


The Toon Resorves proved just too strong for Northern Premier Leegue Blyth @ St James' Park last neet and eeezily won 4-0 in front of a 1,200 plus crowd , most of them in the East Stand and quite a few of the Spartan variety! (This waz Spartan's TENTH final defeat in a row!) <(must be a record!?)

'Liam from the Lamp' sent us this report and pix by the wonders of modern technology and text us the goal sequences on hiz mobile 'tellin bone'!

Kick off '7 bells':

'7:39 bells': "Bigi's deflected shot from a Richardson corner waz saved and Satka tapped in rebound!" (36 min, 1-0 to Toon)


ACTION AT THE LEAZES END


'8:11 bells': "Olley through baall to Williams who played it to Richardson who placed it in left corner!" (54 mins, 2-0)

'8:27 bells': (The Mighty) "Quinn places shot into bottom left hand corner after beatin' offside trap!" (70 mins, 3-0)


ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END


'8:36 bells': "Excellent Aarons baall through to Bigi (ramana) who shot past keeper!" ("divvint naa eez name unfortunately!") (81 mins, 4-0) (final score)

"Well!---there's the Toon's 1st and anly trophy this season. A decent enough team performance against a very poor Blyth side.
In truth we didn't have to get into 2nd gear and it showed with Richardson in particular makin' a few misteaks, but Blyth not good enough to tek advantage.
The doonside to the match waz an injury to Jamie Sterry which looked badwith him bein' streachered off and a brace on hiz leg!
Hopefully not tooo serious because he looks a very promisin' full back! Attendance 1,234!"

'LIAM from the LAMP'


LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE MILBURN STAND
Once again--sorry aboot the grainy fotos!,
which are NOT up to the high standards of 'The Geordie Times'!
Can't wait til Liam get hiz new 'tellin bone' <("Hint!--Hint!")
 



AND FINALLY! ACCORDIN' TO THIS FOTO BY 'LIAM FROM THE LAMP'
THE MILBURN STAND IZ GANNIN DOON HILL QUICKLY!
(TOOO MUCH 'LIQUID LUBRICATION' BEFOREHAND
IN THE NEWCASTLE ARMS!----ME FINX!)

a

 

THE TOON RESORVES v THE SPARTANS of BLYTH *** TONEET *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Toneet wor resorves take on Blyth @ St James' Park in the final of The Northumberland Senior Cup. ('7 bells' kick off)
Az Blyth have have lost the last NINE finals they have played in the result shud be a foregone conclusion!---BuT! this IZ NUFC and anythin' could happen! (Blyth lost 0-7 at home to Whitby yesterday!)

A'v got to work a neetshift doon to the Midlands again toneet (run 174 since last Joon!) so 'Liam from the Lamp' will be bringin' yoo a full match report and pix from toneets game and this will appear in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow.

Admission iz six quid for big kids and three quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and az usual anly 'The East Stand' will be open for payin' spectators! (no 'freebeez' for season ticket holders!)

NE KNEE JERK (NE JURK) REACTION *** THAT'S A STAT!

Posted '10:25am bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Followin' on from wor disastrous run of form, wor beleaguered manager now haz the followin' records:
The 1st NUFC manager to lose FIVE consecutive Premyaa Leegue games and score anly THREE goals at home since Boxin' Day!

The followin' teams have scored MORE goals at St James' Park than we have since Boxin' Day in the Premyaa Leegue: (that's!---fower (4) months!)
Sporz 4 goals and (the now sacked) 'Moyzeez Manc Muppets' 4 goals!

The followin' teams have scored the SAME number of goal at St James' Park in that time:
The SMBs and The Toffee Noses of Everton both with 3 goals each!
 We currently have scored just 20 goals @ St James' this season in 'The Premyaa'---wor lowest total in the past iz 22 goals in the 1997/98 and 2006/07 seasons!---anothaa unwanted 'Premyaa' record on the horizon for 'I Beg Your Pardew'!

With two away games left against 'The Arse' and 'The Liverbirds' and one home game against relegation threatened 'Cardiff Red Herrings' (who beat us at home in the FA Cup in January!) we face the very reeel prospect of not pickin' up one more solitary point from now til the end of the season!
'Eight in a row'? it doesn't bear thinkin' aboot!

The club's response az usual iz that: "There will be NO knee jerk reaction as to the managers future!" (or shud that read 'ne jurk' reaction?)
('Ower the Pennines', Man U beg to differ!)