THE WHITLEY BAYWATCHERS v THE TOON U21s *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP *** TONEET!

Posted '1:11pm bells' Monday 17th March 2014

Great news for any new 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'!----@ '7:30 bells' toneet wor U21s take on Whitley Bay @ Hillheads Park in 'the semis' of The Northumberland Senior Cup!

Again! aa cannit make it coz av got to de a 'neet trunk' to Halesowen near Bormingham yet again in mee truck (for the 151st time since last Joon---if yoo are remotleee interested!?)
A'v been to 'Hillheads' of course many times before to watch 'The Toon', or else a would have taken a precious  *'loo day' off work to see it! <(*Geordie Times spelllin'!)

However!---wor for ever unreliable cheef reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' will bring yoo an excluuusive match report via text messages to mee mobile and I will put that online sometime tomorrow!

Hopefully he will send me some pix az well?----but divvint haad yer breath!
(see below!---SEE BELOW!!!)

"WE'LL BRING YOO AALL THE NEWS 2nd HAND 1st!"

Posted '9:13am bells' Monday 17th March 2014

At f*****' last!---nearly a week after the event, wor cheef paparazzi reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' haz eventually sent us hiz 'fuzzy pix' from the FA Youth Cup game, played last week @ St James' Park where wor U18s lost 3-2 to Chelski's equivillent!

REMEMBER! 'The Geordie Times' az per usual, brings yoo the latest news 1st hand 2nd!---or shud that be 2nd hand 1st???

THE WACKO JACKO-LESS JIVERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '12:50pm bells' Sunday 16th March 2014

"IT'S ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOO TO DRINK!"

"SPOT THE DRASTIC PLASTIC!"

The trip doon to King's Cross on the '6:30 bells' train from 'The Central' waz uneventful and we made straight for Hammersmith on the tube to sample the delights of a large brekky and a 'gargel' in The William Morris boozer!---WRANG!---When we got there @ '10:15 bells' we were telt that although we could porchase a brekky, ne alcohol could be sorved til '11 bells' on the orders of the local 'dibble' az there waz a futbaall match on! (the nearest waz actually QPR v Yeovil in nearby Shepherd's Bush!)

After 'demolishin' the 'said scran' we heeded back to the bar @ '11 bells' where 'Big Al' waz telt that he would have to drink hiz bottle of imported 'Edinger' ale oot of a plastic glass! <(on the orders of 'dibble' again yoo understand)
The bottle which he took to wor table waz 'glass' which of course totally contradicted their 'no glass' policy!'
To compound things, I then went to porchase a pint of 'Smiths' where (believe it or not!) aa waz given a PROPAA 'GLASS' glass by the barman!??? and az he gave it to me, aa quickly grabbed it, (spillin' some of the contents in mee haste!) before he had a chance to realise hiz 'missteak' and just wot he had done! <(and replace it with a plastic one!)
'Sarnie Steve' and 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa' then came back with pints of Guinness in PLASTIC! <(yi couldn't make it up---could yi!???)

We then moved on a bit nearer to the groond, two minutes away ower the road, where we went into 'The Duke of Cornwell' on Fulham Palace Road fully expectin' to be sorved oot of 'the drastic plastic pots'---and GUESS WOT!???---YES that's reet!---we were aall given PROPAA GLASSES with wor beer! (yi couldn't ma---!)


"GET YOUR EXPENSIVE DISH-WAATAA HERE!"


Movin' on to 'The Crabtree' aftaa this, it waz back to DRASTIC PLASTIC again, where mee pint of luke waam beer (which tasted like coloured soapy dish waataa!) cost me the grand sum of fower poond, eighty pence! <(it waz 'easy rider' (cider) aftaa this at just £4:50!)

It waz then time to gan to the match which waz played in cloudless blue skies az the 'current bun' shon brightleee above!

"A CR*P VIEW AGAIN---FROM ROW 'H' !"
(VIRTUALLY THE SAME VIEW AZ LAST SEASON!?)

With top goalscorer Remy and key player Debuchy oot through injury we wondered just where wor goals were gannin to come from---and we were proved reet az John Carver took the place of Alan Pardew in the dugoot!
Anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance waz in the offin' az we hoofed the baall upfield time and time again in wor aall blue change kit!--Fulham were even worse and we were glad when the ref blew for half time!

"THE WEBB OF DECEIT!"

The 2nd half wasn't much better az we humped the baall aimlessly up field once again, just like a Sunday leegue team would de!
And then came the tornin' point of the game!---Cisse, who waz put clean through, hit hiz shot straight at the Fulham keeper!---a foul from behind a minute later on De Jong went unpunished az ref Howard Webb waved 'play on' ---the baall foond Fulham's Dejagah on the edge of the box and he fired a shot that Tim Krul fumbled and it ended up in the back of wor net!---1-0 to the bottom team, who hadn't won in their previous NINE games!

"NICE VIEW OF THE CORNER FLAG, THOUGH!"

De Jong then had a heeder easily saved and then 'super sub'? Shola came on to save the day---but didn't!---and wor last 'throw of the dice' came when Adam Armstrong came on with just FOWER mins to gan (too little tooo late) although he DID manage a shot near the end! Then!---in the final second of the game wor goalie Tim Krul came up for a corner and the baall foond hiz right peg. He hit it straight at a home defender who raised hiz arm to stop it!---a blatent hand baall in anybody's book---but NOT Howard Webb's---who again torned a blind eye and blew for full time imedietly after this with strong protest from 'Timmy' waved away!

We trooped off back towards Hammersmith where more 'liquid lubrication' waz taken on board in 'The Suffolk Punch' before we made wor way to 'Edgware' for the final three 'gargel' locations! (see below!)

It waz then back to KX to catch the '9 bells' back yem! (a DRY train of course to compound wor misery!)

More pix and team line ups toneet---a'm of on the'hoy' now!---see yooo later!

Six hours later:---And here we are later toneet!---

Toon team: Krul, Yanga, Dummett, Anita (Marveaux 81), Williamson, Coloccini, Tiote, Sissoko, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 71), De Jong (Armstrong 86), Gouffran

Attendance: 25,664 (2,900 Toon fans plus many more in the so called 'mixed areas')

*'The Wacko Jacko-less Jivers'--an explanation: The Micheal Jackson statue that stood outside Craven Cottage in the 'Al Fayed' era haz now gone, so 'The Geordie Times' haz renamed them!

THE WACKO JACKO-LESS JIVERS v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '8:23pm bells' Friday 14th March 2014

THE LAST TIME WE WERE @ CRAVEN COTTAGE!
(WE LOST 2-1!)

Forst of aall---apologeez for not updatin' this site az regularly az aa used to, but a new full time job haz prevented me from dein' so, az a now normally work constant neetshift! (but NOT toneet!)

We are on the '6:30 am bells' train in the mornin' to Kings Cross and shud arrive in Hammersmith (one of the nearest tube stations to Fulham) for the customary pre match gargels at approx. '10 bells' in The William Morris boozer!

THE LAST TIME WE WERE HERE---
'CHELSKI'  A MONTH AGO!

Assistant manager John Carver gets the main dugout seat tomorrow az wor much maligned manager iz banned from the groond because of hiz infamous heedbutt? a fortneet ago!

Both Loic Remy and Mathieu Debuchy are OOT through injuries sustained on international duty and we hear through the grapevine that Hatem Ben Arfa will aalso be missin' for personal reasons?

'Fab' Coloccini WILL retorn to the fray however az we attempt to beat 'the boys from the cottage' for the forst time doon there in 6 seasons and we will be backed by 2,900 plus many more in Fulham's so caalled 'mixed section'!



"NO!---NOT THAT 'FELIX'! ^

Their manager Felix the Cat (er! sorry! Felix 'McGath'!) (below!) iz still lookin' for hiz forst win az Fulham manager and they have now gone NINE games since that! <(wots the bettin' that ---!)


"AYE---THAT ONE WEARIN' A FULHAM TIE!" ^



"AN IMPOSTER WEARIN' A FULHAM TIE!"--"SPOT THE DIFFERENCE?" ^

Both former Toon players Scott Parker and Damian Duff are expected to MISS the game az the  *'Wacko Jacko-less Jivers' attempt to climb off the bottom of the table! (*The Michael Jackson statue haz since been removed from Craven Cottage by former owner Al Fayed!---hence their new 'Geordie Times' name!)

Az iz usual theeze days aall the trains back to The Toon are DRY, but NOT on the way there??? <(we can NEVER work this one oot???)

There will of course be a full 'Geordie Times' match and 'gargle' report sometime on Sunday az usual!

7 MATCH BAN FOR PARDEW! *** BUT THE (SWEET) F.A. ARE NOT HAPPY AND WANT A MORE SEVERE PUNISHMENT!

Posted '1:33pm bells' Wednesday 12th March 2014

"THERE'LL BE NO BURNINGS IN LONDON, AS LONG AS I AM MAYOR!"

Alan Pardew haz been foond guilty az charged by an independent 'jury' for hiz heinous heedbutt on 'that' ex mackem and haz been banned from the touchline for seven games,  the forst three of them a stadium ban aaltogether!

The F.A. however ARNT happy aboot this and want hiz punishment increased forthwith!
Suggestions that he shud be burnt alive at the stake on Wembley Way for hiz mistermeeeners <(we naa how to spell aall the 'big words'!) have been mooted, BUT Lord Mayor of London, Boris Johnson haz pointed oot that aalthough he haz ne objection whatsoever aboot Pardew bein' tied to a stake and burnt alive, he points oot that Wembley iz in fact in a 'smoke free zone', az iz the rest of London and haz vetoed the F.A's plans because of this!

We await with trepidation to see if the F.A. will get their 'just desserts' and get hiz punishment increased---elsewhere!

Pardew commented on hiz 'sentence': "I am grateful that I have only got a seven match ban!--- I hope they don't increase it and burn me at the stake as I've just bought a new suit!"

"AZ EVER!---WATCH THIS SPACE!!!"

THE TOON U18s 2 THE CHELSKI PENSIONERS U18s 3 *** FA YOUTH CUP QWAATAA FINAL

Posted '2:55pm bells' Wednesday 12th March 2014

The Toon's youngins bowed oot of the FA Youth Cup last neet when they lost 3-2 to Chelski OAPs U18s @ St James' Park!

The game panned oot az follows: (az reported by wor cheeef futbaall correspondent 'Liam from the Lamp': (text messages to my mobile)

"Chelski score from a coontaa attack, goal scored by Solanki!"

"The ref appears to be a mackem!"

"Olley free kick from left side put in by Keman---33 minutes 1-1!"
"That shud reed 28 minutes---sorry! the game kicked off at '5 past'!"

"Chelski defender gives the baall to Armstrong who places it in the bottom right hand corner!"---38 mins---2-1 to us!"

"2-2!---Alex Kiwomya!"

"3-2 to Chelski---scorer Jeremy Boga. He was allowed to run and scored in the left corner from aboot 25 yards!" 

"3-2 finish---Chelski man of the match: The referee!"

Attendance: 2,506 (pix to follow?---hopefully!) 

JUDGEMENT DAY TODAY FOR PARDEW!

Posted '1:20pm bells' Tuesday 11th March 2014


"SOMEWHERE NEAR WEMBLEY STADIUM!"


Wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' iz @ Wembley today to face an FA disciplinary panel aboot 'that' heedbutt!

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo any news of hiz punishment when we find oot!

Az per usual ---watch this space!

THE TOON U18s v CHELSKI OAPs U18s ***FA YOUTH CUP QWAATAA FINAL ***TONEET @ ST JAMES' PARK!

Posted '1:00pm bells' Tuesday 11th March 2014


4th ROOND ACTION IN THE FA YOUTH CUP @ ST JAMES' ORLIER THIS SEASON
THE TOON U18s WON 4-1 AGAINST THE SMB U18s IN FRONT OF A 3,500 CROWD!

There are TWO very important games that concorn us toneet!
Forstly @ '7:05 bells' wor youngins take on Chelski's equivalent @ St James' with a place in the semis up for grabs in the FA Youth Cup!

The East Stand will be open (az per usual in theeze games) and it's £3 for big kids and just £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites!

A 3,000 plus crowd iz anticipated so get alang orly to grab your prime view seat on the halfway line!

Wor rovin' paparazzi reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' will be there to take pix and bring yoo wor loyal reeeders aall the latest news from the game!---watch this space tomorrow! (Unfortunatally aa can't make 'this one' coz av got to gan to graft!)

Then! (a little later!) there's Bayern Munich against 'The Arse' in Jawmany in the Champions Leegue---and just WHY? (yoo may ask) are we bothered aboot THIS game???

Whey!---if 'The Arse' can manage to owercome a 2 goal deficit from the forst leg in London and win the tie, (highly unlikely!) then wor away game against them, which haz been pencilled in for a dreaded April Monday neet slot @ The 'Em', will be moved to a weekend slot instead!
Much better for us of course!

"Come on 'Yooo Arseholes'"!  

"EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY!"

Posted '2:25pm bells' Monday 10th March 2014





ST ANDREWS CHURCH ON THE CORNER OF GALLOWGATE
 IN THE SHADOWS OF ST JAMES' PARK!




 



 

 

THIS CARTOON IN TODAY'S 'JAWNIL'

HAZ EVEN MADE IT ONTO THE TELLY!

 

AZ REPORTED ON 'LOOK NORTH', 'THE MACKEMS'

ARE APPARENTLY DEAD UPSET COZ IT IMPLIES

THAT THEY ARE AALL THIEVES!

(AZ IF WE WOULD?)

("HELP!"---"WHO'S NICKED MEE

STERLIN' SILVER CARTIER WATCH!???")

"SUPER SUNDAY! *** CONTINUED!"

Posted '9:15am bells' Monday 10th March 2014 


YESTERDAY @ '2 BELLS'!

Like the previous Sunday, yesterday @ 2 bells' waz spent in the 'Soho Bar' in the shadows of St James', where the most important thing on the big screen at that time waz a gangster movie from Chicago!
(Last week it waz a 'Charlie Chaplin' silent movie from the 1920s, when a certain team from Manchester broke mackem hearts to lift the Leegue Cup!)

THE SILENT MOVIE FROM LAST SUNDAY!

News then filtered through from the city of Hull that the home side were tw*tin' the SMBs 3-0 @ The KC Stadium (to break mackem hearts once again!), and book their place in the semi-finals of the FA Cup!----Anothaa 'Super Sunday' for aall Toon fans!
"Ha!-Ha!"

 

 

 

They'll be cryin' in their beer in Pennywell today!

But NOT! in 'The Red Lion'!