GROUND NUMBER 303 ***ST MIRREN PARK, PAISLEY ***ST MIRREN 0 THE TOON 2 ***THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (PART THREE!)

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 31st July 2013

"THE BATTLE OF THE ALAMO!"

Mee day didn't start off well az a'd injured mee foot openin' a gate, to get mee lorry through it @ '4 bells' in the mornin', after de'in a neetshift run to Halesowen (Birmingham) from the Team Valley (Gatesheed) and back.

By the time 'Big Al' had picked me up @ '2 bells' in the afternoon to gan to St Mirren, mee foot waz 'up like a puddin'!  
But 'duty caalled' az this groond waz a one aa HAD to de az a'd never been there before!

'Al' had been here before to watch a Scottish Leegue encoontaa and he parked hiz 'jam jar' aboot a hundred yards from the main stand's entrance meenin' aa didn't have far to waalk after the game!
He knew a good boozer az well and so 'off we set' doon this road away from the groond.
After an agonizin twenty minutes aa limped into the boozer caalled 'The Alamo', where the waalls were adorned with pictures from 'the wild west', complete with bull horns, tomahawks, cowboy hats and red Indians in their heedgear!

The locals were very friendly and thankfully welcomed us with open arms and NOT the tomahawks on the waall!
Mee foot waz achin' like mad after the torturous trek and aa 'mordered' the forst 'gargel' which went straight doon mee 'Gregory Peck' < (to help ease the pain, yoo understand!)

After several pints of Belhaven Best' it waz time for the dreaded 'battle' to 'limp' to the groond from 'The Alamo'! 
'Sarnie Steve' accompanied me there and after wot seemed like 'six hours' we finally arrived at the tornstiles where we had purchased tickets for the main stand and not the away end, (just for a change!) Mee foot (and lower leg!) waz up like 'a balloon' by this time and aa plonked meesel into mee seat wonderin' just why a'd put meesel through aall this grief just for a friendly match! < (A'm NOT caalled 'The mad-sad groundhopper' for nothin'!)

Anyway!---the match kicked off with The Toon wearin' wor new 'dark blue number' az wor home strip obviously clashed with St Mirrens 'black n white stripes'!

We took the lead in the 20th minute when Papiss Cisse (wearin the new Wonga logo!) took a pass from Sammy Ameobi on the left to expertly place hiz shot past the St Mirren keeper to put us one-nil up, to very generous applause form the home fans! 
Just six minutes later wor lead waz doubled when Debuchy met a Vernon Anita through baall to calmly place hiz shot beyond their keeper! (the full backs forst goal for the club!)

The Toon were 'on fire' at this point (just like mee foot!) and we were unlucky not to add to the score before the break and we went in 'two to the good'!

The 2nd half wasn't half az good az the forst and the game petered oot. The attendance waz given oot ower the loudhailer and the gadgie telt us that there were 709 Toon fans in the visitors end behind the far goal to wor reet. This again brought generous applause from the 'St Mirren faithful', which aa thought waz a very nice gesture!
At the end of match aa shook hands with one of their fans who waz behind me and he wished us good luck for the new season!
Who says the jocks hate the English?

There's one thing for certain, I really hope that they survive in the Scottish Premyaa this season. And az they play in the famed stripes like us, St Mirren will be 'adopted' az mee team north of the border for the forthcomin' season!  (Quality fans and the best a'v come across for a very lang time!)

It waz then the '*lambastable limp' back to the jam jar for the three hour jorney back yem!
(*Aa havvent got a clue wot 'lambastible' meenz, but it soonds good!)
Once in the hoose aa got an 'ice-pack' oot the freezer to put on mee swollen foot and lower leg to try and tek the swellin' doon a bit! < ("Oh! the 'joys'? of followin' NUFC!") 

Toon team: Elliot (Alnwick 65),  Debuchy (Santon 46), Dummett, Anita, Coloccini (Streete 81), Yanga (Williamson 81), Tiote (Newton 75), Gosling (Gouffran 65), Cisse (Campbell 65), Ben Arfa (Vuckic 65, Sammy Ameobi

Attendance: 4,216 (709 Toon fans in the North Stand plus anothaa 100 or so like us dotted around the rest of the groond!)



pix from mine and 'mal the iglish skool teechaa'z phones

THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS SCOTTISH GROONDS LIST! ***22 AND COONTIN'!

In Geordiebetical order! (Aall for NUFC games only!)

IBROX PARK 1969 (10th ground in total)

1 Ibrox Park***Glasgow Rangers (1st visit) >***1969
2 Shielfield Park***Berwick Rangers***1978
3 Palmerston Park Queen of the Sooth***1984
4 Easter Road***Hibernian***1984
5 Tynecastle***Heart of Midlothian***1987
6 Cappilow Park***Morton***1988
7 Dens Park***Dundee***1988
8 Stark's Park***Raith Rovers***1989
9 McDiarmid Park***St Johnstone***1990
10 East End Park***Dunfermline Athletic***1990
11 Home Park***Coldstream***1991
12 Celtic Park***Glasgow Celtic***1995
13 Almondville Stadium***Livingston***1999
14 Tannadice Park***Dundee United***1999
15 New Broomfield Park***Airdrieonians***2001
16 Somerton Park***Ayr United***2001 (200th ground in total)
17 Galabank***Annan Athletic***2001
18 New Douglas Park***Hamilton Academical***2003
19 Raydale Park***Gretna***2003
20 Fir Park***Motherwell***2013 (301st ground in total)
21 Rugby Park***Kilmarnock***2013
22 St Mirren Park***St Mirren***2013

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART THREE!) ST MIRREN v THE TOON ***TOONEET!

Posted '1:05pm bells' Tuesday 30th July 2013

Yet again we will cross the England/Scotland border to watch The Toon in action, this time in Paisley @ St Mirren Park, which of course iz anotha new ground for the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!
Aa nearly didn't make it after a mishap at work with gate at 'fower bells' this mornin' and aa ended up in an NHS 'walk in centre' to get an x-ray to see if a'd broke mee left leg/ankle!
Aa didn't but it iz very badly sprained and a'm on painkillers to take the pain away! <(yet anotha story to tell!)

We leave @ '1:30 bells' for the M74 motorway and shud be in a boozer not too far from the ground three hours after that!
Lets hope the game isn't 'a pain' az well, like  at Kilmarnock on Saturday!?
However a much stronger squad includin' Cisse iz expected to play @ 7:30 bells' toneet!

Match report to follow tomorrow! (hopefully!) 

THE BLACKPOOL DONKEYS 0 THE TOON 1 ***"THE SUITE SMELL OF SUCCESS!"

Updated 'high noon bells' Monday 29th July 2013


"SOMEWHERE ON THE 'M6' MOTORWAY!"

Fower of us travelled doon to this one in 'Biffa the Beers' new 'jet black' 'jam-jar'.
On the way doon the M6 just before the Blackpool torn off we could see that sommik had happened aboot half a mile aheed az cars and caravans swerved and braked to avoid sommik in the road.

We soon foond oot wot it waz, az a bright yellow three seater settee sat upright in the inside lane az we frantically divorted to the middle lane to avoid collidin' with it!
Half a mile forthaa up the road on the hard shoulder a pick-up truck towin' a trailer full of  furniture, had a gap at one side where the settee shud have been, with the two matchin' chairs of the three piece suite still on-board! <(the driver did NOT look amused!)
(Now aa naa wot they meen when someone says that they've been sittin' in a traffic jam!) <("sic!")

We eventually arrived in 'Eiffel Tower Land' (withoot encoonterin' anymore settees!) at 12:30 bells' in good time for a few gargels  before the match and parked the jam jar in The Saddle Inn car park which iz aboot a ten minute walk from the groond!
The forecast waz for rain but the sun shone brightly az we sat in the pubs beer garden drinkin' the appropriately named 'Fog on the Tyne' real ale, whilst discussin' 'three piece suites' amongst othaa things like futbaall! 

We then moved onto 'The Bloomfield' nearer to the groond where a great paintin' of Stanley Matthews dribblin' past some Preston defenders adorned the wall of the bar, with the 'Eiffel Tower' in the background!

It waz bakin' hot az we went through the tornstiles and there were aboot 2,500 Toon fans in the new visitors end behind the goal.
'The Donkeys' had what looked like the same number dotted around two othaa stands, with the stand to the left of us, (where the away fans used to gan), closed!

The Toon were wearin' their 'Wonga Bonga' dark blue away strips, while the home side aalso wore 'The Bonga Wonga' logo on their bright orange shirts az 'The Wonga Bonga' derby kicked off!


THE BONGA WONGA DERBY IN FULL FLOW!
(SPECIAL THANX TO 'MAL THE INGLISH SKOOL TEECHAA' FOR THE PIC)


We attacked the end we were housed in durin' the forst half
And 'man of the moment' Shola Ameobi scored for the thord, forst team friendly in a row, when he volleyed a shot home from inside the box past the Blackpool keeper in just the 6th minute of the game!

Rob Elliot in The Toon goal then made an excellent save when he tipped a Craig Cathcart effort onto the bar to keep us aheed in the 30th minute.
'The Sissoko Kid' then scored what looked like a porfectlee good goal, but the dodgy linesman flagged for offside to deny him!



The 2nd half petered oot in the searin' heat and we hung on to record a forst win on English soil this season so far!
The Toon support waz brilliant throughout the match with chants of "Don't sell Cabaye!" and "Pardew,Pardew giz a wave!", but in complete contrast they sang, "JoeKInEar! Yi havin' a laff!" and "Stand Up if yoo hate Kinnear!"
The loyal fans have spoken! 

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Williamson (Yanga 81), Steve Taylor, Santon (Dummett 61), Marveaux, Cabaye (Sammy Ameobi 73), Sissoko, Gutierrez, Gouffran (Campbell 85), Shola Ameobi (Vuckic 46)

Attendance: 6,863 (2,384 Toon fans)

RUGBY PARK, KILMARNOCK***GROUND NUMBER 302 ***KILIMANJARO X1 2 THE TOON U21s 0

Posted '8:40am bells' Saturday 27th July 2013

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART TWO)
"SAY WHEY AYE TO A KILLIE PIE!"

The day started off badly when 'Tex Taylor' phoned me up to inform me that because he'd got 'bladdered' the neet before in The Toon, he'd 'slept in' and would be at least an hour late at the designated pick up point!
'To hoy a spanner in the works, Grumpy Stumpy' who had aalso got 'bladdered' could NOT be contacted to inform him of 'the score'!

'Tex' eventually torned up at twenty to ten and it waz then a mad dash to deepest Throckley to pick 'Stumps' up!

He wasn't at HIZ pick up point, so we heeded for hiz street, but couldn't remember hiz hoose number!
'Tex' brayed on a door which he thought might be Stumpy's but an irate baaldy gadgie came to the door and pointed up the street to 'number 39' where he telt us that he actually lived! 

Frantic knockin on the doors and windows brung ne response and we were forced to leave and heed for Kilmarnock withoot him az time waz getting on ('ten bells' by this time!)!

Anyway the 'demented duo' finally arrived at 'qwaata to one' and we heeded for the toon centre after we had parked mee 'canny tranny' up in a street next to the ground!

There we bumped into 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', 'Liam from the Lamp' and 'Adam from Holystone' in 'The Waterside' boozer before heedin' for 'The Sports Bar' underneath the main stand of the ground, where the usual NUFC 'saddos' were assembled!

Anly the main stand waz open for this 'resorve' game and aboot 500 were present az the game kicked off, with around 70 or so 'Toonhoppers'!

However---and predictably, it waz obvious from the start that it would be a poor game from wor point of view az 'Killie' pressed for the forst goal. They nearly got it in the 8th minute when 16 year old Pooler missed an open goal with Jak Alnwick in The Toon goal stranded.

Somehow we got through to the interval withoot concedin' and wor attacks were non existent to say the least, and just how any of these fringe players could slot into wor forst team iz hard to imagine with this performance!

The 'highlight' of the 'game' waz at the interval when aa got stuck into one of the so caalled 'world famous' 'Killie pies', which waz aboot a thousand degrees centigrade and which nearly bornt mee lips off az aa got stuck into the steak fillin'!

Surely we could de ne worse in the 2nd half---but we were wrang!
Killie, wearin' their 'mackem' change strip took the lead in the 70th minute after a disastrous back pass to Alnwick went astray and  Slater had the simple task of slottin' the baall into the empty net!

We then had a rare chance to equalise when Jonathyn Quinn had a point blank shot saved by the Kilimanjaro keeper in the 78th minute.
Stewart sealed the win for the home side with just fower minutes to gan when he waz put through and lobbed the baall ower Jak Alwicks lead to send the home faitful into raptures and the away 'saddos' into despair!

It waz then a 3 hour drive back to Tyneside, before preparin' for the next 'tour game' back in England @ Blackpool this afternoon!
Match report on THAT to follow much later tooneet or tomorrow mornin' az the case may be!

PS: There waz still ne word from the whereaboots of 'Grumpy Stumpy' az aa wrote this 'piece'???

PPS: Did yoo spot my dilibrit missteak?
I said that this waz ground 202 when in fact it waz ground 302!
Well spotted 'Glennn from Ashington'!

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (PART TWO)*** KILIMANJARO v THE TOON U21s ***SATURDAY!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 26th July 2013

"NO!***NOT THE AFRICAN ONE!"

Part two of 'The Grand Tour of Scotland 2013' continues tomorrow @ Rugby Park, Kilmarnock, where The Toon are sendin' an U21 side to play the Scottish Premyaa Leegue ootfit.

This will be 'The Geordie Times'z' forst ever visit to their ground, although we did play them in 1982, when we played oot a goal-less draw in front of 1,500 hardy souls! <(aa wasn't into 'mad-sad groundhoppin mode' in them days and missed the match!) <(shame on me!)



"AYE!***THE SCOTTISH ONE!"

We are travellin' up in mee 'canny tranny' and mee travellin' companions for the day are 'Tex Taylor' the Cowboy Plumber' <(ne relation to 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber!) and 'Grumpy Stumpy on the Scrumpy', who haz just returned from a six month stint in the Falkland Islands, workin on a new airport! (the 100,000 sheep can relax for the moment!)

Admission iz eight quid for big kids and fower quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and Killie are openin' their main stand only for this game! (so a low crowd iz predicted by us!) "OCH AYE THE NOOO!">>>>

More to follow on this game later and wor forst team 'Wonga' friendly against 'The Donkeys of Blackpool', which takes place on Sunday.

A full match report on both games will of course follow in 'The Geordie Times' ower the weekend! ("EEH AWW!")

PACOS DE FERREIRA 1 THE TOON 1

Posted '2:20 pm bells' Wednesday 24th July 2013

Mad-Sad 'Tellyhoppers' News!

Last neet 'The Toon' played their 2nd and last friendly game in Portugal, when they faced Pacos De Ferreira @ '8 bells'

Unlike the forst game , this one waz LIVE on telly and amongst the boozers that were showin it in The Toon were: 'The Porcy', in The Haymarket, 'Beyond' in The Gate and 'The Monkey Bar' on Pilgrim Street (The Market Lane) which haz a big screen! >>>

It ended up aall square with Shola Ameobi scorin' on the hour mark from inside the penalty area after good work from Goufffran.
The home side had taken the lead after qwaata of an hour, when Caetano fired home from the edge of the area.

He then got himself sent off alang with The Toon's 'Fab' Coloccini in the 36th minute for a 'hand-bags' at thorty paces fight!

Attendance: 2,000 (estimated) (15 'Toon-hoppers' plus quite a few 'Telly-hoppers' in the various 'dives' back home!)

"STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!"*** "MICK THE mackem TORNS THE TOON DOON!"

Posted '3:22pm bells' Monday 22nd July 2013

Mick Harford haz sensationally torned doon the Toon job he waz offered (see below), preferrin' to stay at Millwaall instead! <(obviously a bigger club than us!?)

But FEAR NOT!*** az 'Krusty the Clown' off 'The Simpsons' haz thrown HIZ hat into the ring for the job of 'Assistant Director of Fools' to 'JoeKanory' @ NUFC

"YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!"

"A STRIKER AT LAST! ***A mackem AGED 54! *** ***GOD HELP US AALL!"

Posted '9:10am bells' Monday 22nd July 2013

News that mackem born and bred Mick Harford  iz to be wor new assistant 'Director of Fools' under 'JoeKanory' iz the final nail in wor coffin we think, from 'The Fat Controller'!

When we desperatleee needed a new centre forward 'JoeK' comes up with a 54 year old one, who iz an old pal from the past, to fill us with even more dread for the new season!

Just where this leaves wor beleaguered manager iz anybody's guess, but readin' between the lines, two's company and three's a crowd and the trap door iz wide open!

"WATCH OOT BELOW ALAN!"

THE TOON U21s 0 SOOOTHAMPTON U21s 2

Posted '9:25am bells' Sunday 21st July 2013


WOODMAN PENALTY SAVE (COACH LANE END)
(Er! sorry it's a bit fuzzy!)


We needed wor Saturday 'fix' and az we couldn't gan to Portugal to watch the forst team, we decided to heed for The Toon's trainin' ground in Benton where a behind closed doors U21s friendly against Sooothampton waz takin' place @ '2 bells'!

We had a cunning plan in place to get into the Darsley Park base but at the last minute the game waz switched to the Greenlee Lane Academy pitches doon the road with access to the public!

A mad dash waz made to the Academy thanx to 'Dava the Raver the Painter to Savour' who gave me and 'Liam from the Lamp' a lift to get us there for kick off time! <(a 'saviour' indeed!)

ACADEMY ENTRANCE

With ne team sheets on offer we had to try and work oot just who waz playin' and it took half an hour, with the help of a Scout from Hartlepool called Paul Baker who waz standin next to us near the halfway line. (Paul aalso managed wor U16s at one stage and he telt us that he once played Andy Carroll at right back!)

Just az we'd completed wor list the visitors scored at the 'East Coast Main Line End' to wor right and they went in one-nil up at the break.

Amongst the players who had forst team experience for us were Amalfitano, Tavernier, Richardson and Abeid and we were telt by the Hartlepool scout that in contrast the Sooothampton's team waz mainly made up of 17 year kids!
Indeed, Abeid came closest to scorin' for us when he hit the bar in the 40th minute from a free kick

THE TOON ATTACK 'THE EAST COAST MAIN LINE END'!

The visitors doubled their lead in the 54th minute with a fine shot from one of their forwards and really it waz curtains for us after this az we had hardy pressured their goal aall match, apart from Abeid's effort!

On the hour mark Toon goalie Woodman saved a penalty which we are delighted to tell yoo we caught on camera! <(see above!)
That waz the 'highlight' of the game for us and az the ref blew the final whistle we heeded off doon Coach Lane towards Heaton

(Now just wethaa aa can include this az a 'new groond' iz debatable, az the game waz played on a pitch a canny hike from where aa watched a junior game, the one and anly othaa time aa waz here, a while back!?) <(Probably NOT az it iz in the same complex!)

'The Lochside' boozer a qwaataa of an hours waalk away, waz wor forst 'port o call' for some much needed 'liquid refreshments'!

It waz then a 'torturous jorney on the number 1 bus back to the city centre where the bus seemed to gan doon every side street in Heaton, and we eventually got to 'The Hotspur' in the Haymarket half an hour later!

News filtered through later on that the forst team were losin' THREE-NIL @ Rio Ave in Portugal after just TWENTY SIX minutes! 
It waz time to de some serious drinkin now to drown wor sorrows! (brief match report on that below!) 

Toon team and subs: (we think?) 1:Mitchell, 2:Mbabu, 3:Tavernier, 4:Miele, 5:Streete, 6:Satka, 7:Aarons, 8:Abeid, 9:Gilliead, 10:Richardson, 11:Amalfitano, 12:Logan, 13:Woodman, 14:Armstrong, 15:Olley, 16:Booth

Attendance: 66 (estimated)