RUGBY PARK, KILMARNOCK***GROUND NUMBER 302 ***KILIMANJARO X1 2 THE TOON U21s 0

Posted '8:40am bells' Saturday 27th July 2013

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART TWO)
"SAY WHEY AYE TO A KILLIE PIE!"

The day started off badly when 'Tex Taylor' phoned me up to inform me that because he'd got 'bladdered' the neet before in The Toon, he'd 'slept in' and would be at least an hour late at the designated pick up point!
'To hoy a spanner in the works, Grumpy Stumpy' who had aalso got 'bladdered' could NOT be contacted to inform him of 'the score'!

'Tex' eventually torned up at twenty to ten and it waz then a mad dash to deepest Throckley to pick 'Stumps' up!

He wasn't at HIZ pick up point, so we heeded for hiz street, but couldn't remember hiz hoose number!
'Tex' brayed on a door which he thought might be Stumpy's but an irate baaldy gadgie came to the door and pointed up the street to 'number 39' where he telt us that he actually lived! 

Frantic knockin on the doors and windows brung ne response and we were forced to leave and heed for Kilmarnock withoot him az time waz getting on ('ten bells' by this time!)!

Anyway the 'demented duo' finally arrived at 'qwaata to one' and we heeded for the toon centre after we had parked mee 'canny tranny' up in a street next to the ground!

There we bumped into 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', 'Liam from the Lamp' and 'Adam from Holystone' in 'The Waterside' boozer before heedin' for 'The Sports Bar' underneath the main stand of the ground, where the usual NUFC 'saddos' were assembled!

Anly the main stand waz open for this 'resorve' game and aboot 500 were present az the game kicked off, with around 70 or so 'Toonhoppers'!

However---and predictably, it waz obvious from the start that it would be a poor game from wor point of view az 'Killie' pressed for the forst goal. They nearly got it in the 8th minute when 16 year old Pooler missed an open goal with Jak Alnwick in The Toon goal stranded.

Somehow we got through to the interval withoot concedin' and wor attacks were non existent to say the least, and just how any of these fringe players could slot into wor forst team iz hard to imagine with this performance!

The 'highlight' of the 'game' waz at the interval when aa got stuck into one of the so caalled 'world famous' 'Killie pies', which waz aboot a thousand degrees centigrade and which nearly bornt mee lips off az aa got stuck into the steak fillin'!

Surely we could de ne worse in the 2nd half---but we were wrang!
Killie, wearin' their 'mackem' change strip took the lead in the 70th minute after a disastrous back pass to Alnwick went astray and  Slater had the simple task of slottin' the baall into the empty net!

We then had a rare chance to equalise when Jonathyn Quinn had a point blank shot saved by the Kilimanjaro keeper in the 78th minute.
Stewart sealed the win for the home side with just fower minutes to gan when he waz put through and lobbed the baall ower Jak Alwicks lead to send the home faitful into raptures and the away 'saddos' into despair!

It waz then a 3 hour drive back to Tyneside, before preparin' for the next 'tour game' back in England @ Blackpool this afternoon!
Match report on THAT to follow much later tooneet or tomorrow mornin' az the case may be!

PS: There waz still ne word from the whereaboots of 'Grumpy Stumpy' az aa wrote this 'piece'???

PPS: Did yoo spot my dilibrit missteak?
I said that this waz ground 202 when in fact it waz ground 302!
Well spotted 'Glennn from Ashington'!

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (PART TWO)*** KILIMANJARO v THE TOON U21s ***SATURDAY!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 26th July 2013

"NO!***NOT THE AFRICAN ONE!"

Part two of 'The Grand Tour of Scotland 2013' continues tomorrow @ Rugby Park, Kilmarnock, where The Toon are sendin' an U21 side to play the Scottish Premyaa Leegue ootfit.

This will be 'The Geordie Times'z' forst ever visit to their ground, although we did play them in 1982, when we played oot a goal-less draw in front of 1,500 hardy souls! <(aa wasn't into 'mad-sad groundhoppin mode' in them days and missed the match!) <(shame on me!)



"AYE!***THE SCOTTISH ONE!"

We are travellin' up in mee 'canny tranny' and mee travellin' companions for the day are 'Tex Taylor' the Cowboy Plumber' <(ne relation to 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber!) and 'Grumpy Stumpy on the Scrumpy', who haz just returned from a six month stint in the Falkland Islands, workin on a new airport! (the 100,000 sheep can relax for the moment!)

Admission iz eight quid for big kids and fower quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and Killie are openin' their main stand only for this game! (so a low crowd iz predicted by us!) "OCH AYE THE NOOO!">>>>

More to follow on this game later and wor forst team 'Wonga' friendly against 'The Donkeys of Blackpool', which takes place on Sunday.

A full match report on both games will of course follow in 'The Geordie Times' ower the weekend! ("EEH AWW!")

PACOS DE FERREIRA 1 THE TOON 1

Posted '2:20 pm bells' Wednesday 24th July 2013

Mad-Sad 'Tellyhoppers' News!

Last neet 'The Toon' played their 2nd and last friendly game in Portugal, when they faced Pacos De Ferreira @ '8 bells'

Unlike the forst game , this one waz LIVE on telly and amongst the boozers that were showin it in The Toon were: 'The Porcy', in The Haymarket, 'Beyond' in The Gate and 'The Monkey Bar' on Pilgrim Street (The Market Lane) which haz a big screen! >>>

It ended up aall square with Shola Ameobi scorin' on the hour mark from inside the penalty area after good work from Goufffran.
The home side had taken the lead after qwaata of an hour, when Caetano fired home from the edge of the area.

He then got himself sent off alang with The Toon's 'Fab' Coloccini in the 36th minute for a 'hand-bags' at thorty paces fight!

Attendance: 2,000 (estimated) (15 'Toon-hoppers' plus quite a few 'Telly-hoppers' in the various 'dives' back home!)

"STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!"*** "MICK THE mackem TORNS THE TOON DOON!"

Posted '3:22pm bells' Monday 22nd July 2013

Mick Harford haz sensationally torned doon the Toon job he waz offered (see below), preferrin' to stay at Millwaall instead! <(obviously a bigger club than us!?)

But FEAR NOT!*** az 'Krusty the Clown' off 'The Simpsons' haz thrown HIZ hat into the ring for the job of 'Assistant Director of Fools' to 'JoeKanory' @ NUFC

"YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!"

"A STRIKER AT LAST! ***A mackem AGED 54! *** ***GOD HELP US AALL!"

Posted '9:10am bells' Monday 22nd July 2013

News that mackem born and bred Mick Harford  iz to be wor new assistant 'Director of Fools' under 'JoeKanory' iz the final nail in wor coffin we think, from 'The Fat Controller'!

When we desperatleee needed a new centre forward 'JoeK' comes up with a 54 year old one, who iz an old pal from the past, to fill us with even more dread for the new season!

Just where this leaves wor beleaguered manager iz anybody's guess, but readin' between the lines, two's company and three's a crowd and the trap door iz wide open!

"WATCH OOT BELOW ALAN!"

THE TOON U21s 0 SOOOTHAMPTON U21s 2

Posted '9:25am bells' Sunday 21st July 2013


WOODMAN PENALTY SAVE (COACH LANE END)
(Er! sorry it's a bit fuzzy!)


We needed wor Saturday 'fix' and az we couldn't gan to Portugal to watch the forst team, we decided to heed for The Toon's trainin' ground in Benton where a behind closed doors U21s friendly against Sooothampton waz takin' place @ '2 bells'!

We had a cunning plan in place to get into the Darsley Park base but at the last minute the game waz switched to the Greenlee Lane Academy pitches doon the road with access to the public!

A mad dash waz made to the Academy thanx to 'Dava the Raver the Painter to Savour' who gave me and 'Liam from the Lamp' a lift to get us there for kick off time! <(a 'saviour' indeed!)

ACADEMY ENTRANCE

With ne team sheets on offer we had to try and work oot just who waz playin' and it took half an hour, with the help of a Scout from Hartlepool called Paul Baker who waz standin next to us near the halfway line. (Paul aalso managed wor U16s at one stage and he telt us that he once played Andy Carroll at right back!)

Just az we'd completed wor list the visitors scored at the 'East Coast Main Line End' to wor right and they went in one-nil up at the break.

Amongst the players who had forst team experience for us were Amalfitano, Tavernier, Richardson and Abeid and we were telt by the Hartlepool scout that in contrast the Sooothampton's team waz mainly made up of 17 year kids!
Indeed, Abeid came closest to scorin' for us when he hit the bar in the 40th minute from a free kick

THE TOON ATTACK 'THE EAST COAST MAIN LINE END'!

The visitors doubled their lead in the 54th minute with a fine shot from one of their forwards and really it waz curtains for us after this az we had hardy pressured their goal aall match, apart from Abeid's effort!

On the hour mark Toon goalie Woodman saved a penalty which we are delighted to tell yoo we caught on camera! <(see above!)
That waz the 'highlight' of the game for us and az the ref blew the final whistle we heeded off doon Coach Lane towards Heaton

(Now just wethaa aa can include this az a 'new groond' iz debatable, az the game waz played on a pitch a canny hike from where aa watched a junior game, the one and anly othaa time aa waz here, a while back!?) <(Probably NOT az it iz in the same complex!)

'The Lochside' boozer a qwaataa of an hours waalk away, waz wor forst 'port o call' for some much needed 'liquid refreshments'!

It waz then a 'torturous jorney on the number 1 bus back to the city centre where the bus seemed to gan doon every side street in Heaton, and we eventually got to 'The Hotspur' in the Haymarket half an hour later!

News filtered through later on that the forst team were losin' THREE-NIL @ Rio Ave in Portugal after just TWENTY SIX minutes! 
It waz time to de some serious drinkin now to drown wor sorrows! (brief match report on that below!) 

Toon team and subs: (we think?) 1:Mitchell, 2:Mbabu, 3:Tavernier, 4:Miele, 5:Streete, 6:Satka, 7:Aarons, 8:Abeid, 9:Gilliead, 10:Richardson, 11:Amalfitano, 12:Logan, 13:Woodman, 14:Armstrong, 15:Olley, 16:Booth

Attendance: 66 (estimated)

RIO AVE 3 THE TOON 1

Posted '9:25pm bells' Saturday 21st July 2013

The Toon put in an apparentleee shockin' performance in northern Portugal orlier on toneet, when after just 26 minutes we were THREE-NIL DOON! < (we couldn't find anywhere that showed the game live!)

Shola 'Yeenaawho,obi' pulled one back late on, but to lose withoot apparentleee breakin' sweat iz shockin' ( but not unexpected!) to say the least!

It seems to us that nebody, includin' the players, manager, director of foolbaall and a certain obese benefactor, gives two 'monkeys' f***s just where we will end up this season!

A lang hard season (once again!) seems to be the fate of the lang sufferin' NUFC fans yet again!

"The Fat Controller haz a lot to answer for!"

GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 4! ***RIO AVE v THE TOON *** THE TOON U21s v SOOTHAMPTON U21s

Updated '9:45am bells' Saturday 20th July 2013

RANGERS v THE TOON

It haz been belatedlee conformed that we will play a FOURTH pre season Scottish friendly on Tuesday August 6th when we will travel to Glasgow to face Rangers @ Ibrox Park @ '7:45 bells'

Ticket prices are set @ £15 for grown ups, a tenner for zimmerframeites and a fiver for sprogs!


RIO AVE v THE TOON @ '6:00pm bells' tooneet

Meenwhile the forst team are of course in action in northern Portugal toneet when we face Rio Ave @ '6 bells'.
Az mentioned last week, I am unable to gan for a number of reasons  <(After TEN (expensive!) trips to Europe last season, mee piggy bank iz shoutin' for help and beggin' me for mercy!)
(Aaltogether now!: "Who wants to be a millionaire?---I do!")
Aalso, due to circumstances beyond my control, aa cannit gan away for the six days needed to watch the two games!
(PS: Mee 'competitive' European record iz thankfully still intact, havin' not missed one since 1977***113 'in a row' home and away!)


TOON U21s v SOOTHAMPTON U21s @ 2:00pm bells' this afternooon

HOWEVER!---there IZ a Toon game on Tyneside @ '2 bells' this afternoon, when wor Under 21s take on Soothampton @ Darsley Park, behind closed doors!
A'm gannin to make an attempt to get in to this game, but cannot divulge the method I intend to use az it will 'give the game away'!

Watch this space to see if aa DE manage to get past security and the fifteen foot high fence that surroonds the NUFC trainin' compex!

It iz then intended to de a bit of 'Mad-Sad Tellyhoppin' and find some boozer that iz showin' wor game in Portugal live, but aa havvent hord of anywhere yet!

WELCOME BACK TO THE NUFC MADHOOSE!

Posted high noon 'bells' Thorsday 18th July 2013

The front and back pages of today's 'Ronny Gill' does NOT make good readin' for Toon fans!

We now find worsels in the ridiculous situation of wor star centre forward refusin' to wear the logo of a money lendin' company on religious groonds, despite him wearin' one last season for anothaa money lendin' company???

At the end of the day, even though wor new sponsors charge higher interest rates than wor previous ones, they are STILL in the 'same game'! ie: they BOTH lend money for PROFIT!

We are told that Cisse haz NOT travelled to Portugal for pre season trainin' and will therefore NOT be playin' in wor two reported friendlies in the north of that country!

"PAPISS CISSE WEARIN'  LAST SEASON'S MONEY LENDER'S  LOGO!?"  

He iz reported to be trainin' alone at wor Benton base and shud he refuse to 'back doon', then there will anly be one outcome---won't there!
With EIGHTEEN DAYS of the transfor window gone, we are STILL the anly Premyaa Leegue club withoot any new signin's, so this iz aall we need!

When will the madness end at this club????---NOT before we get a new owner we suspect!-----"DIVVINT HAAD YER BREATH!"

THE MUTHAA F*****S 2 THE TOON 4 ***FIR PARK (GROUND NUMBER 301)

Updated' 2:55pm bells' Wednesday 17th July 2013 

"THE 'MUTHAA' OF AALL GROONDS!"

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (Part One)

"MAMA WE'RE AALL CRAZY NOW!"

The Toon started off their pre-season in Scotland with a fine 4-2 win @ Fir Park last neet against Scottish Premyaa Leegue runners up Muthaawell!

The two and a half hour drive from Tyneside in the bakin' heat ended outside the Fir Park Social Club where we parked up and went in for a few 'gargels'! <(to quensh wor thirsts---yoo understand!)

At £2 admission to the club and 'Smiths' at £3:20 it wasn't a cheap day oot and not suprizingly the locals 'gave it a miss' and the bar waz half empty with just one hour to kick off!

A few noisy Toon fans were in the lounge next door where a Kareoke waz gannin on and 'anti-mackem' songs to the tune of 'The Monkees' <(yi naa the ones!) were dein' the roonds!

From there, we heeded to the away tornstiles and there were around 1,500 Toon fans who had travelled with around 3,000 'Muthaa F*****s' in the home sections!

The Toon took the lead in the 8th minute when Haris Vuckic tapped in after the home keeper had fumbled the baall!
The lead was doubled 7 mins later when Gouffran slooted home after bein put through by Vuckic.

A solitary England flag made an appearance, much to the annoyance of the home fans, congregated in the corner of the main stand! (drummer boy and aall!)

'The Muthaa F*****s' reduced the deficit not lang after  with a fine shot from Vigurs!
Then, in the 36th minute "Get out of our club!", anti 'Fat Controller' chants were hord for the forst time in the visitors section, with aboot 50 or so joinin' in! < (not me, by the way!---wot waz the point?--he wasn't there anyway!)

The two goal advantage waz restored in the 38th minute when 'The Sissoko Kid's shot was fumbled by the home keeper for the second time and the baall trickled ower the line to the delight of the 1,500 or so faithful behind the far goal, where a smoke bomb waz set off amongst the 'anti 'Fat Controller' brigade'!


Again the home side reduced the deficit, when just after the re start James McFadden lobbed in a free kick which beat Elliot in The Toon goal!

The final goal came in front of the away supporters when in the 64th minute Dummett crossed and 'Marveaux the Magician' waz on hand to score with the simplest of tap-ins!

A good forst workout for wot waz mainly a young Toon side and in total, includin' the subs, NINETEEN player were given a 'workoot'!----Lang may it continue!

Toon team: The "nn nn nn nner nineteen!": Elliot, Taverier, Dummett, Yanga,  Streete, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Anita, Richardson, Obertan, Ferguson, Sammy Amiobi, Amalfitano, Sissoko, Abeid, Vuckic, Marveaux, Gouffran (and finalleee!), Campbell!

Attendance: 4,075 (1,012 Toon fans) < (there looked to be many more than this in wor end?---a 'gate fiddle' or wot?)