THE TOON v THE ARSE ***THE FINAL CURTAIN!

Updated '11:10am bells' Saturday 18th May 2013

ST JAMES' PARK FROM BARRACK ROAD
(THE MILBURN STAND)
(photo taken Thorsday) (note the size of the
 red double decker bus in comparison to the stand!)
*FOR MORE 'EXCLUUUSIVE' ST JAMES' PARK PICS
GAN TO 'ST JAMES' PARK TOUR'
IN THE TOOL BAR AT THE TOP OF THIS PAGE
AND 'CLICK'
(aalso new photos in 'TYNE VIEWS' section!)

The final curtain of this very lang and tirin' season finally comes to a close tomorrow @ '4 bells' in wot iz now a live telly game!
'The Arse' from 'Is'(lington) provide the opposition and thankfully! we are under ne pressure az the final relegation issue waz finally resolved last Tuesday, when wor opponents relegated 'The Blue Wigs' to 'the abyss' of 'The Championship' with a 4-1 victory!
We of course conceded SEVEN @ 'The Em' orlier on this season, so it's just az well we are safe!

Centre of attention gans to loyal servant Stevie Harper who will be takin' hiz final bow after 20 years and 199 games between the posts.
Rob Elliot's suspension and Tim Krul's lang torm injury meens that he gets hiz chance to say farewell to the near 50,000 loyalists who will be packed into St James' Park to see it! (The Arse have sold their 3,000 allocation)

A testimonial game for Steve against a certain Scottish 3rd Division club, by the name of 'Rangers', will provide the opposition <(and we don't meen 'Berwick' Rangers!), which probably take place sometime next season?

It iz highly like that Captain 'Fab' Coloccini could be playin' hiz last game for The Toon az well and he will be a sad loss if he decides to leave

We understand that anly a very few tickets remain for 'The Arse' game az aa write this, so if yi havvent got yours yet, yi'd better rush to the groond 'pronto' to get one!

Although there iz nowt at stake for us (apart from pride and revenge!), 'The Arse' are chasin' a Champions Leegue place with their arch "norf Landan" rivals 'Sporz', for they are anly ones who can catch them and they just happen to be playin' the SMBs @ White Hart Lane at the same time <(live telly az well we understand!)
So it shud be an interestin' afternoon---to say the least!

Watch this space for more updates!

"GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

Updated '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 15th May 2013

The final relegation place to 'the abysss' waz settled last neet az 'The Blue Wigs' of Wigan went doon 4-1 to 'The Arse' @ 'the Em', just three days aftaa they'd won the FA Cup @ Wembley!

Goodbye and good riddance to them!, especially to 'Callous' McManaman in particular, who tried to break Massadio Haidara's leg a while back, and who himself, got carried off on a stretcher last neet near the end of the game, when aall waz lost! <(wot gans roond---comes roond!)

Goodbye and good riddance! to 'appy 'arry and hiz 'rag and bone men' from QPR, for 'pinchin' Loic Remy, at the last minute from 'under wor noses', in the January transfor window, by danglin' a massive 'carrot' under his nose! <(We've just hord that Remy, who scored against us on Sunday, haz been arrested today, on suspicion of rape!)

Goodbye and good riddance! to 'The Biscuitmen of Readin', coz there groond iz FOWER miles from Reading toon centre and taxi fares from the train station to the groond 'take your eyes oot'!<(minimum £10 fare!)


And finalleee!--- it will be Goodbye and good riddance! to this horrible season next Sunday, az we can't wait for it to end!

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS *** BELLE VUE, CONSETT*** LAST CHANCE SALOON!

Updated '9:30am bells' Wednesday 15th May 2013

The Toon are sendin' a resorve side to Belle Vue Park in Consett on toneet @ '7 bells', in wot will be the last EVER game that Consett AFC will play there, az they are movin' on to 'pastures new' next season!
So if yiv nevaa been before, then this iz your very (very!) last chance to do so!
It's a fiver to get in for 'big kids', three quid for zimmerframites and just a quid for sprogs!

The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers have been here before of course, and for wor visit in 1999 av 'dug up' the archive match report from that game, caalled, "The Total Eclipse of the Sun!"(below!)

PS: Sadly, av trawled the back pages of today's 'Ronny Gill' and there iz ne mention whatsoever aboot this game, but they de mention that Newcastle United LADIES resorves are playin' @ Benton toneet!<(aalso '7 bells' if you're interested!?)

187 belle vue park consett

(GROUND NUMBER 187)

Date of First Visit: 10th AUGUST 1999

BELLE VUE PARK, CONSETT

 

CONSETT 1

NEWCASTLE UNITED XI 3 (Woodcock, Layton, Arnison)

 

FRIENDLY FIXTURE

ATTENDANCE 800 (ESTIMATED)

"THE TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN!"

Somewhere in the sky above Belle Vue Park, Consett, '8:11 pm bells' 10th August 1999

This match kicked off at 7 p.m. 'bells' which was precisely 16 hours and 11 minutes before the much hyped total eclipse of the sun ower Cornwall the next day.

 

HOWEVER!---Aa can exclusively reveal that Consett, which is high up in the wilderness of Coonty Durham was actually the forst place in the British Isles tih witness this historic event at precisely 8.11 p.m. that neet, (15 hours early!) when the sun disappeared from view and Belle View Park was enveloped under a blanket of thick black clouds and freezin' temperatures (definately NOT! 'Sun View' Park!-- and this was in the middle of the summer holiday season!, so god naaz what it's like here in the middle of winter!?

 

Before the match wi'd headed for the clubhoose at the back of the main stand where even the bar staff were wearin' thick sheepskin coats because of the caad weather! and the gadgie who sorved me nearly spilled mee pint on the coonta as his hands were shakin' uncontrollably ( presumably?---he was shakin'with the cold and not any alcohol related illness?) (obviously they'd neva hord of 'central heatin' up theeze parts!)
 

After a few caad 'liquids' to waam us up? (if that makes sense?) it was time to heed for the terraces via the players tunnel on the half way line! (Aye!—we took a wrang tornin' oot of the clubhouse and got lost!)

 

The main stand which stretched aboot half the length of the pitch looked very 'pre war' with a pitched roof which covered the back half which had bench seats with a standin' paddock to the front. On the far side there was a 'bike shed size' 'faally doon roof' which covered some grass and crumblin' terraces. And behind both goals there were grass banks with overgrown weeds. We stood in the main stand paddock behind the dugoots as there was a bit shelter from the bitin' wind.
 

The match started off badly for the Toon's resorve/ junior line up and we were one nowt doon after 16 minutes play---However!---Tony Woodcock equalised after 40 minutes when a mix up in the Consett defence allowed him a free shot on goal to bring the scores level.

 

Durin' the half time interval we were asked to pose for photos for the Newcastle Club Magazine as quite a few of us were groundhoppin' and they wanted to de a feature on us for the next issue (fame at last!)

"It's gone dark!--like!"

In the second half when the above mentioned 'Consett eclipse' desended ontih the groond, (and with the home defence taken by surprise by this momentous event!), Layton and Arnison took advantage for The Toon as the aad 'current bun' made it's 'exit' behind the

'man in the moon' and they scored in quick succession tih seal this friendly victory and leave Consett in the dark!. (sic!)

 

Footnote:

Accordin' tih the Consett president (John Hurst) the 'Consett eclipse' is a daily event up there!

 

(The next total eclipse ower the rest of Britain is in 2090!)

 
©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

 
PS: For the 'Geordie Glossary of Terms'

 

'click' on the right hand side bar►


 

 

'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG & BONE MEN RANGERS 1 THE TOON 2 ***"FROM 'THE ABYSS' TO 'BLISS'!"

Updated '11:25am bells' Monday 13th May 2013



BEN ARFA PENALTY @ 'THE LOFT END'
(THE TOON ARE IN 'HI VIZ' YELLOW)



WE'VE DONE IT!----we've avoided the 'abyss' of the Championship with this 'scrappy' but 'must win' game in Shepherd's Bush yesterday afternoon and have climbed to a 'nose bleedin' 13th in the Premyaa Leegue table with just one game to gan against 'The Arse' @ St James' next Sunday, in the final game of the season!

The pre match 'gargels' took place aroond the King's Cross area in 'The Dolphin' and 'McGlynn's Bar', before heedin' nearer to the groond where several 'liquids' were partaken in 'The Thatched Hoose' boozer which iz a 20 minute waalk from Loftus Road!

And then to the match!---wor most important game for 'many a year' and one we had to win to avoid a last day nail-biter!

It didn't start off well, az a dodgy lookin' penalty decision waz awarded against us in the 10th minute when Debuchy waz ajudged to have fouled Junior Hoillet inside the box!<(it looked 'ootside' from where wew were?)

Remy, of aall players tucked the baall to Elliot's right to give the home side an undeserved lead!

It didn't last lang though, and in a 'tit for tat' move, the ref gave US a penalty at the othaa end, for a shirt pull on Ben Arfa and wor number 10 smashed the baall into the top right hand side of the goal to level things!

Then!---the moment of the game came and wor 'life saver' when QPR defender Bosingwa tried a back pass, which Ben Arfa intecepted befor their goalie and the baall spun nicely to Gouffran who had the simple task of sidefootin' the baall into the net from 30 yards oot!
This sent the 1,608 Toon fans ballistic in 'The School End' and that's the way it stayed til the break!
2-1 would be enough to ensure wor survival and the 2nd half waz a game of 'beat the clock' az the minutes ticked doon.

THE TOON ARE ABOOT TO TAKE A FREE KICK
INSIDE THE QPR BOX! (it waz blocked!)
('View'? from row 'E' in The School End Upper Tier!) 

Toon goalie Rob Elliot waz needlessleee booked when he kicked the baall away and this waz to prove desisive az with just 9 minutes left on the clock he again 'needlessleee' handled ootside hiz area and waz sent off for a 2nd bookable offence!
Veteran Steve Harper replaced him to huge roars from the Toon fans and a norve janglin last few minutes waz endured before the ref put us oot of 'heart attack mode' and blew for full time!
WE WERE SAFE!

After the match it waz back to KX for some celebratory drinks before catchin' the '8 bells' (dry!) train back to Tyneside!

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Yanga, Tiote (Perch 52), Cabaye, Gutierrez, Ben Arfa (Harper 81), Cisse, Gouffran (Obertan 77), Cisse

Attendance:17,278 (1,608 Toon fans) <(plus many more in home sections!)

WOT THE PAPERS SAY! (the front and back pages of 'The Ronny Gill')

'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG & BONE MEN RANGERS v THE TOON ***TOODAY @ '3 BELLS'!

Posted '7:00am bells' Sunday 12th May 2013


WELCOME TO 'SUNDAY SCHOOL'!


Wor day of destiny iz upon us followin' 'The Hazbeens and Villians' dramatic 2-1 defeat at the hands of 'The Chelski OAPs, yesterday!
Az mentioned yesterday---make NE MISTAKE!---THIS! iz wor biggest game for 'many a year', az we fight to avoid 'the abyss'!

Because Villa have to play FA Cup winners? 'The Blue Wigs' next Sunday, it means that in the unlikeleee event of an away win for us this afternoon, we will be safe, with one week to gan before the end of the season!

We will have the backin' of 1,600 fans in 'The Shool End Upper Tier' with many more infultratin' the home sections to roar us on to victory?
Anything less and we will be sweatin' on 'The Arse' beatin' Wigan this comin' Tuesday @ 'The Em'!

Who would ever have thought that Wigan could beat Man C???---we can't take ANYTHING for granted!----wor destiny iz in wor OWN HANDS! <(and nebody elses!)

In less than an hours time, we are on the '7:55 bells' train to wor fave London destination of King's Cross, with plenty of 'liquid refreshment' to keep us gannin'!
Lets hope (and pray!) that we will be crackin' open a few cans in celebration on the way back az well!?

Full match and drink report to follow sometime tomorrow! < (hopefully a 'happy one'!?)

'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG & BONE MEN v THE TOON ***TOMORROW!

Updated '2:45pm bells' Saturday 11th May 2013

"BACK TO 'SUNDAY SCHOOL'!"

Make ne mistake, tomorrow iz the biggest game in The Toon's history for many a year and don't we naa it!

A'm writin' this az Villa have just at this very moment, LOST 2-1 ! against Chelski and the win for the 'Kings Road Mob' iz a brilliant result for us, az that ultimately now means that a Toon victory tomorrow afternoon in Shepherd's Bush, will banish aall fears of 'the abyss'!

Of course!---az we have anly won a shockin' TWO oot of TWENTY SEVEN away games in domestic competition and Europe, a win would be an unlikely bonus, be it against the worst team in 'The Premyaa'!

Any othaa result tomorrow would mean that we will gan into the last week of the season not knaain wor fate!

Yet again aall the taalk in the local 'rag' iz aboot how the players are "up for it!" <("it's like a broken record!"---"it's like a broken record!"---"it's like---!")
Wor beleagered manager, on the othaa hand, haz admitted that he iz a failure this season and haz aalso pointed the finger at 'The Fat Controller' for not supplyin' him with transfer funds last summer!
(Mee finx that THAT iz the 'death knell' for him, no matter wot wor fate iz!)



GEORDIE TIMES VIDIPRINTAA
(az it happened!)

Latest from Villa Park: half time: 1-0 to the home side! "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!"
Both teams doon to 10 men!
One hour and three minutes played: Chelski Equaliser: 1-1 ! "HHHHOOORRRAAAYYY!!!"
GOAL!: Lampard scores hiz record 203rd goal for Chelski in the last minute to win the game! "GGGEEERRRIIINNN!!!"

A WACKY WEEKEND! of 'IFs' and 'BUTs'!

Posted '6:50pm bells' Friday 10th May 2013

The penultimate 'wacky weekend' of the season iz aalmost upon us and aall Geordie eyes will be on the 'Hazbeens and Villians' v The Chelski Pensioners' game tomorrow dinnertime @ Villa Park!

Shud the visitors win, then that will meeen that IF WE can (somehow?) win just wor 2nd away leegue game of the season on Sunday in Shepherd's Bush, WE will definatleee avoid 'the abyss'!

This iz because 'The Villa' must play 'The Blue Wigs' on the final day of the season, meanin' that anly one of them can gain max points and climb above us!
A draw aalso means that we will be safe az well!

Of course this iz aall 'IFs' and 'BUTs' and shud we fail to win, then it could aall gan doon to wor final game against 'The Arse' a week on Sunday @ St James'!<(lets hope and pray it DOESN'T come to this!)

Wor game @ QPR iz a selloot to Toon fans, but NOT to home fans and many Geordies have been joinin' their membership scheme to get a precious ticket in the home sections!
(SO!  it shud be 'fun and games' in more sense than one on Sunday!)

NEW ZEALAND QUIZ ANSWER!

Posted '3:55pm bells' Friday 10th May 2013

A week ago we asked yoo wot waz significent aboot wor friendy game against the New Zealand national team in 1984?

We asked yoo wot the attendance waz that day and gave yoo three options: waz it!***3,486,  13,486 or 23,486

The answer IZ!----the 'crowd' waz 3,486 <(includin' little ol' me!) and iz the lowest post war crowd to witness a Toon forst team game @ St James' Park!

Kenny Wharton, Chris Waddle and Pat Heard were wor goal scorers in the 3-0 win!

QPR ARCHIVE GROOND REPORT FROM 1968 BELOW!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 9th May 2013

In the run up to wor crucial game in Shepherd's Bush this comin' Sunday, 'The Geordie Time Machine' takes yoo back 45 years to wor forst ever visit to 'Steptoeland' in December 1968 when we drew 1-1 with QPR in this archive 'Christmas cracker'. (see below!)

IZ it reeely THAT lang ago??? ("now where did aa park mee 'time machine'???")