BLACKBORN U18s 2 THE TOON U18s 0---YOUTH NATIONAL SEMI FINAL

Posted '9:50pm bells' Saturday 5th May 2012

LOONY TOONS!---
(Brockhall Academy---ground number 286)

The convoy of cars from Tyneside arrived in Brockhall Village near Blackborn for this U18s semi final clash @ Blackborn's trainin' groond today for the prize of a place in the National final.("Er!"---the 'convoy' consistin' of The Caped Crusaders' 'Batmobile' and 'Blondie Alan's' Ford Fiesta! with six saddos inside in total!) (includin' little ol' me!)

The game waz bein' played on the site of a former lunatic asylum! and the 'six sick saddos', were here to 'clock up' a new groond to add to wor groonds list on the never endin' trail!
So Brockhall Academy waz indeed! a very appropriate new groond to add to the 'MAD'-sad groundhoppers list! (sic!)

However!---The Toon U18s never got oot of the blocks and the home side took the lead after just two minutes play when Toon goalie Jonathan Mitchell dropped the baall after what looked like a foul on him, but the officials waved away any protests az O'Sullivan tapped the baall into the empty net for the home side.
They then dominated for lang periods and doubled their lead through O'Sullivan again just before the half time interval with The Toon havin' ne answer in reply, az we had precisely NE shots on goal in the entire half!

The second half waz played oot with Blackborn again makin' most of the play, but with ne fortha score they progressed to the National final where they will play eetha Fulham or Leicester.

Attendance: 120 (approx)

The jorney home waz spent listenin' to the results comin' through on 'Radio 5 Live' and with 'The Arse' anly gettin' a 3-3 draw against 'Delias Custard Crumbles of Norwich', we have the opportunity of gan up to THORD PLACE in the premya leegue shud results gan wor way tomorrow afternoon.

There's the little matter of beatin' Man City forst of course to de this---(with Spors aalso not winnin' in the process!)----but dafter things have happened! (wor 2-0 win at Chelski in midweek for example!)

OH!---and YES!-----to roond off wor day---Hereford (the team we aall 'love to hate' for obvious reasons!) were relegated  from the futbaall leegue thanx to Barnet's win at Burton!

THREE CHEERS FOR THEM! ---
"HIP!--HIP!---HORRAY!--HIP!--HIP!--HORRAY!--HIP!--HIP!--HORRAY!"

Full 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match report on the above game to follow later on this week! 

CONVOY TO BLACKBORN!---BLACKBORN U18s v THE TOON U18s---TODAY!

Posted '8:30am bells' Saturday 5th May 2012


"CONVOY!"

There are two massive games ower the next two days with the forst one takin' place this afternoon!---And NO! a'm NOT! taalkin' aboot the FA Cup final @ Wembley between 'The Liverbirds' and 'The Chelski Pensioners'---a'm taalkin' aboot wor Under 18s 'semi final play off' game against Blackborn @ eetha their Brockhall trainin' groond OR! their academy @ 12:30 bells this dinnertime! (we'll find oot when we get there!)

???

Beware of huge traffic jams doon the 'A1M' and 'A66' from '9 bells' onwards az a 'convoy' of cars iz travellin' ower the Pennines for this one in the shape of --Er!--'The Caped Crusaders' 'batmobile' and 'Blondie Alan's' Ford Focus! and we hope to arrive in good time for the kick off where a huge crowd of 100 plus iz expected!

Then!--of course, tomorrow dinnertime we take on 'The Blue Moonies' in 'Title Decider Day' @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!) where a win for us would cement wor claim for a Champions League place. (or not az the case may be!?)
The whole of the red half of London will be rootin' for us az well (er! that's 'Man U'---NOT! 'The Arse'!) and shud wor visitors 'nick it', then it will be them who will surelee snatch the title from their arch rivals!
Sunday will certainleee be a very interestin' day!

A selloot crowd of 52,000 plus, will be there to witness it of course and if the groond waz big enough, 100,000 plus would be present, we are sure! 

THE WINO WONDERS!---WOR NEW AWAY STRIP!

Posted '8:45pm bells' Friday 4th May 2012
(aboot five hours late!---like!---"hic!")

"AARRGGHH!"---"IT'S WOR NEW AWAY STRIP!"
"IT'S ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOO TO DRINK!"

The Toon have just released the design of wor new 'wino wonders' away strip, which we presume will be worn in wor final away game against 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton' in the final game of the season on Sunday week!

The Geordie Times iz a canny few hours behind other NUFC websites that published this a few hours ago, but wor excuse iz simple!---we've been oot on the hoy this afternoon and have just staggered ("er!--sorry!") 'retorned' (completeleee sober--by the way!---"hic!") to wor heed office back yem to give you this exclusive? news 'second hand first' az per usual! 

"PASS THE CORKSKREW PLEEEEZE!"  ("Hic!")

BRENDAN FOSTER 'TIME (waist!)LINE'----SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!

Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 4th May 2012

On this day in 1974 we played in the FA Cup final against The Liverbirds @ Wembley.

Before the match and at approx '2:15 bells', Toon fan and Olympic gold medalist distance runner Brendan Foster won a race aroond the Wembley track in a black n white striped vest given to him by David Bedford, an arch rival at the time.


After hiz win and with huge cheers from the Toon fans he hoyed hiz shirt into the jubulant crowd!
THAT!---waz the anly thing we won that day and the rest az they say iz black day in wor history!  

Az coincedence would have it, Brendan waz spotted in the concourse by The Geordie Times chief paparazzi photographer at half time durin' the Chelski game on Wednesday neet and took this 'exclusive photo below!
(aalso see match report below)

Spot the difference between the 1974 photo and the 2012 photo!

"THEN!"
IN HIZ NUMBER 10 VEST

"AND NOW!"
10 STONE HEAVIER!

THE KINGS ROAD OAPs 0 THE TOON 2

Updated '7:30pm bells' Thorsday 3rd May 2012

Forst of aall, apologeeez for the late postin' of this match report!
This iz because we have just got back from London after last neets brilliant result and are still slightly 'comotosed' with the hootch!

THE TOON ATTACK THE SHED END.
VIEW FROM THE 'CHEAP SEATS'
(FIFTY QUID!)

CISSE (on the left just inside the box) volleys home hiz
forst goal @ The Matthew Harding End

Papiss Demba Cisse opened the scorin' for The Toon in the 19th minute of the forst half with a sweet left footed volley on the edge of the box from a Santon pass which gave Cech in the home goal ne chance and we went in 1-0 up at the interval.

It's the half time interval and celebrity Toon fan
Brendan 'I've got a canny gut now' Foster
enjoys a pint of 'liquid lubrication'!

Then in the second period a bad heed injury to Cheick Tiote ten minutes into the half held the game up for ten minutes and he waz replaced by Ryan Taylor after lengthy treatment.
We held wor own after this, with the home side bombardin' The Toon goal for the equaliser, but we held firm and then in the 100th minute (10th minute of stoppage time due to Tiote's injury) Shola Ameobi chested a baall doon into the path of Cisse, and he hit an unbelievable and unstoppable 'goal of the season' shot with a right footed volley this time, from ootside the box, which 'flew like a bullet' into the Chelski net at the Shed End, where we were housed.

CISSE (bottom of picture) volleys home his second
'wonder goal' @ The Shed End

And there were wild celebrations in wor section az Papiss 'danced' a jig of delight in front of us! (even Chelski's Didier Drogba applauded the wonder goal!)

Much more to follow on this when aa get mee breath back!---"YAHOOOO!"

(Deep breath!)-----Unfortunatelee Spors aalso won and we remain in fifth place behind them on goal difference and anly one point behind The Arse with anly two games to gan in the fight for the Champions League. The OAP's of Chelski are now fower points adrift of us in sixth place.

Toon team: Krul, Perch, Santon, Williamson, Simpson, Coloccini, Tiote (Ryan Taylor 63), Gutierrez, Ben Arfa (Obertan 87), Cabaye, Ba (Shola Ameobi 75), Cisse

Attendance: 41,559 (2,000 or so delighted Toon fans!) 

* CORRECTION!: Apparentlee Cisse's 2nd goal was scored in the FOURTH minute of injury time and not the TENTH minute az reported above!------and 'The Geordie Times' 'excuse for gettin' it  wrang???----WE BLAME THE DRINK AZ USUAL!!!

In other news---the resorves lost 3-0 @ Blackborn's trainin' groond this afternoon in their last game of the season ('2 bells' start)
Unfortunately we could'nt get there az wor train didn't get back from London in time!

THE KINGS ROAD OAPs v THE TOON---TONEET!

Updated '9:15am bells' Wednesday 2nd May 2012

"Sing in the cheap seats!"

(note the wrang date on the ticket!)

Stamford Bridge doon the Kings Road iz the place to be toneet @ 7:45 bells' where a Champions League place iz up for grabs in wor final trip to 'the smoke' this season!
'Wor bags are packed and we're ready to go' (az the old song gans) ("Er!"---packed with cans of 'liquid lubrication' that iz!) for the three hour 'sorte' to Kings Cross and we are due in to the capital of sleaze @ aroond 'fower bells' this afternoon

Anybody who thinks we are in for a hidin'----COULD be reet!---or! on the other hand!---we played them TWICE last season doon there and won one! (in the League Cup) and drew one! (in the Premya)

Who's to say that they wont have their minds on Saturdays FA Cup  final against The Liverbirds instead???

Anyway!--@ FIFTY quid a ticket it isn't cheap, but reeely we shudn't grumble az Man U fans, for example, had to pay SIXTY SEVEN quid to get in! (category 'AA' apparentleee---compared to wor category 'B' price!) (watch oot for a 'price hike' next season if we ARE in the Champions League!) 
We'll be in 'The Blackbird' near Earls Court tube station before and after the match if anybody fancy's a 'gargel' with us!?

Full match (and waaterin holes!) report to follow sometime on Thorsday when we get back!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE---THE TOON RESORVES 4 TEAM NORTHUMBRIA 4 (THE TOON WON 4-2 ON PENALTIES AFTER EXTRA TIME)

Posted '10:00am bells' Tuesday 1st May 2012

Paul Dummett (somewhere in the centre!)  scores the forst goal of the eight goal thriller!


A fantastic goal fest in the 'fog on the Tyne final' @ St James' Park last neet had the scores level 4-4 after 30 minutes of added time in The Northumberland Senior Cup final.

The Toon opened the scorin' in the 15th minute @ The Leazes End (see Geordie Times 'exclusive' photo) when a Ryan Donaldson corner foond Paul Dummett and he fired home through a melee of players.

The students from Newcastle University levelled on the half hour mark and for The Toon to immediately retake the lead when Phil Airey vollied home.

Airey then got his 2nd just before the break to make it 3-1 to the black n whites

The students reduced the deficit with a close range effort but then 'super sub' 'Dan the Man' Taylor restored wor two goal advantage @ The Gallowgate End with just 20 minutes remainin' and it looked aall ower for Northumbria.

However they wernt to be denied and two goals in quick succession in the freezin' fog meant that we had to endure an extra thorty minutes once more! (we aalways seem to have to play extra time in cup matches!)

The extra time produced ne more goals and a penalty shoot oot waz the order of the day to decide where the coveted cup wud end up.

Penalty shoot oot: (@ The Leazes End)
0-1 to Team Northumbria (TN)
1-1 Ryan Donaldson for The Toon
1-1 TN missed 2nd pen
2-1 to us---Dan Taylor
2-2 TN equalised
3-2 to us---Greg McDermott
3-2 TN penalty saved by Toon goalie Jak Alnwick
4-2 Richardson scores to win the cup for The Toon for the 4th time in 5 years

Attendance: a dissapointin' 739 which included quite a few supportin' the students (The Manc 'title decider' derby, which of course waz live on the telly might have had sommik to de with the low crowd!)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE!---THE TOON RESORVES v TEAM NORTHUMBRIA---TOONEET IN 'THE NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Monday 30th April 2012

ASKIN' THE QUESTIONS---PAUL 'BAMBER' GASCOINGNE
"YOUR STARTER FOR TEN!"-----"WHERE DE
NEWCASTLE UNITED PLAY--LIKE?"
"bbbzzzz!!!!"---"TURNER!--NEWCASTLE!"----
"ST JAMES' PARK!---AND IT AALWAYS WILL BE!"
"AYE! THAT'S REET!"

The biggest game of the season so far takes place toneet and NO!---'a'm NOT! taalkin' aboot the Manc derby where the title cud be decided!---'am taalkin' aboot THE NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL @ ST JAMES' PARK! <(and aalways will be!) between 'wor' resorves and the students of Newcastle University's Team Northumbria for the coverted trophy.

Kick off iz @ '7 bells' and admission iz a fiver for big kids and three quid for sprogs, students and zimmerframites (East Stand tornstiles)

And ask yoursel this question, aall yeez 'University Challenge' 'Bambers' oot there!----Have Man U. or Man C. ever won The Northumberland Senior Cup????-------
"I REST MY CASE!!!!"

THE TOON RESORVES---WINNERS OF
THE NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP 2011
("ARE YOO WATCHIN' MANCHESTER!?")

THE BLUE WIGS 4 THE TOON 0

Updated '9:15am bells' Sunday 29th April 2012

THE TOON (in orange) ATTACK THE BLUE WIGS GOAL

We arrived in 'Bluewigland' in good time for the boozers openin' and made for Newtown Workin' Mens Club a few hundred yards from the groond to 'tickle wor tonsils' and quensh wor thirsts, before heedin' for the tornstiles.
We'd had a canny bit to drink by '2:30 bells', which waz just az well, az a 'comotosed state' waz the best way to watch this!

An absolutleee terrible forst half performance from 'The Orangemen' saw us gan in 4-0 doon at the break to send the 4,500 travellin' faithful behind the goal into deep shock!

Two goals from Victor Moses in two minutes orly in the half, had The Toon reelin' and we never recovered from this!
Further goals from Maloney in the 36th minute and De Santo bang on half time in front of the Toon fans added to wor misery!

We played a bit better in the second period and hit the woodwork twice through Papiss Demba Cisse, but the deficit waz too much to make up anyway and this defeat severely dented wor Champions League aspirations.

With Spors and The OAPs of Chelski now breathin' doon wor neck and both playin' at home today (against Blackborn and QPR resectively) yi wud expect them to pick up max points!---"Er!"--but hang on a minute!---this IZ the premya leegue where crazy results have happened aall season!---lang may it continue today!

Wor prediction of 7,000 empty seats waz actually wrang and it waz less than half that number (3,000)
The attendance waz 'The Blue Wigs' highest of the season and waz actually 4,000 more than when they beat Man U the other week, due mainly to the fact that the home side openly sold £60 (plus VAT!) corporate tickets to Toon fans in other areas of the groond!

One to forget I'm afraid! 

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Perch 81), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Cabaye (Ferguson 83), Tiote, Gutierrez, Ben Arfa (Ryan Taylor 73), Cisse, Ba

Attendance: 22,187 (4,500 (plus) shell shocked Toon fans!) 

THE BLUE WIGS v THE TOON---THIS AFTERNOOON! @ '3 BELLS'!

Updated '7:40am bells' Saturday 28th April 2012

"LETS HOPE WE DIVVINT RUN OOT OF PETROL ON THE WAY!"

We're off on wor 'annual' road trip to 'Bluewigland' today, in a bid to claim wor seventh 'win on the spin' and strenghen for bid for a Champions League place (lets hope Chelski lose the final in Munich!)

Papiss Demba Cisse haz scored an incredible NINE GOALS in the last SIX GAMES and he will be in 'SEVEN HEAVEN!' shud he score yet again today!
Not anly that!---but in the last TEN GAMES he haz scored ELEVEN TIMES to equal Micky 'Fat Boy' Quinns 'premya record' for Coventry back in the 1990s!

4,500 Toon fans will be there and it cud have been considerabaleee more had the home side 'skrewed their loaf' and filled their stadium.
Az it iz, NE TICKETS are on sale today and aa wud guess that there will be at least 7,000 (sevin thoosand!) empty seats in the home sections because of this.

Like aa said on Thorsday, it's like 'pullin' yi wig off to spite yi baald patch'! (or sommik like that!?)

Az usual---match report to follow, eetha toneet or orly Sunday mornin'!