THE ARSE 2 THE TOON 1

Posted '2:50pm bells' Tuesday 13th March 2012

A last gasp goal deep into injury time spoiled the party for the 1,500 Toon faithful who were present @ 'The Em', to send us yem with ne points!

It had started off oh so well, when Hatem Ben Arfa put us in the lead in the 14th minute with a great run doon the right and he finished it off with a glorious shot to put us 1-0 up at the far end from us!

This produced wild celebration from the away section, but just az we were in the middle of that, up stepped Van Persie to wipe the smiles off wor faces with an equaliser straight from the restart!

Fellow Dutchmen Van Persie and Tim Krul in the Toon goal then had a runnin' argument for the rest of the game az Van Persie accused Krul of time wastin'!

In the second half 'The Arse' laid siege to Tim Krul's goal and we had survived this 'til the fifth minute of stoppage time. 
Just when it looked that we had secured a vital point against aall the odds, the home side, through Vermalaen, stabbed the baall into the net for the winner, to send us into deep dispair!

Van Persie then goaded Krul with a 'two-one' hand gesture and aall hell broke loose on the final whistle as both players were booked az both teams pushed and shoved each other az they made towards the tunnel!

There waz anly one thing for it!----and we heeded for Wetherspoons next to Highbury and Islington tube station for a few gargels of absolutleee cr*p beer! to drown wor sorrows!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon (Perch 46), Obertan (Shola Ameobi 61), Cabaye, Tiote (Guthrie 81), Gutierrez, Ben Arfa, Ba

Attendance:60,095 (1,500 Toon fans)

THE ARSE v THE TOON----TOONEET IN "LANDAN!"

Posted '9:00am bells' Monday 12th March 2012

"LETS HOPE WE DIVVINT MAKE 'AN ARSE' OF IT!" 

"Wor bags are packed and we're ready to gan", (as the old song gans!) 'packed' with cans of 'liquid lubricant'!---that iz!---on wot will be wor 7th visit to 'The Arses' new abode in Islington.

The train az usual will take the strain on
Monday dinnertime for wor 'sorte to the smoke' @ 'The Em' at "em?" '8 bells' for live telly once again!

This will be wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew's' 50th premya leegue game in charge of The Toon in which we have won 18 drawn 17 and lost 14 times.

Because we cannit get a train back because of the kick off time (once again!) we are stayin' in  the salubrious surroundins of 'The Hotel Dosshouse' @ Kings Cross, before catchin' the train yem orly Tuesday mornin' (this meens that there will be ne 'Geordie Times' match report 'til Tuesday neet, sometime!)

We won @ 'The Emirates' last season for the forst  time ever, when Chris Hughton was still in charge, thanx to a goal from wor 'then' number 9 'Andy Pandy'. who of course iz now resided on Morseyside 'L4', FIVE POINTS below us in the leegue table! (who wud ever of thought that at the start of the season?)

YET ANOTHER BLANK WEEKEND!-------NEWTON AYCLIFFE---PERHAPS?

Posted '8:45pm bells' Friday 9th March 2012

"STAND AND DELIVER!"
Newton Aycliffe FC have (literally) just taken delivery of a 
 new 'flat pack' 'Ikea stand', which 'fell off the back of a lorry'!
(The question iz?---will they take it to away games???)

Yet anotha weekend when we'll be 'kickin wor heels' az we divvint play 'The Arse' @ 'The Em' 'til Monday neet, which meeez anotha owerneet stay in 'the smoke'!
'Work' were on the fone orlier this week:  "Can you work the Sunday and Monday neetshifts to Glasgow"?---they asked!
"Well actually!"-------"AAahhhh!"---------------It's tear yi hear oot time! folks!

Will try and de some local groundhoppin' tomorrow instead---'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston are away to Newton Aycliffe in 'The Northern League' and az this iz a local groond that we have still to visit, this iz where we will probably end up, especially az we've been telt that they have a 'canny clubhoose'!---like!

PS: This groond will NOT be included in wor 'mad-sad groundhoppin' list' az the game doesn't involve The Toon!


Updated '8:25pm bells' Saturday 10th March 2012

'The Geordie Times' did indeed gan to the above game and Dunston (in white) won 1-0 in front of a 'bumper' crowd of 222!

DESTRUCTION DERBY!---THE TOON RESORVES 3 THE SMB RESORVES 3

Posted '10:45am bells' Friday 9th March 2012

"BACK TO SKOOL ON MONDAY!"

Anotha draw to add to the big weekend derby shootout was the order of the day although some 'Teenage Mutant Numskull Magpies' were hell bent on rippin' doon some 'certain' sport related advorts from the back of 'The East Stand' and hoyin' them on the pitch near the end of the match!

Rather than tellin' a naughty child to 'stop it', they were left to 'run wild' and the above consequences were somehow predictable az the stewards conveniently torned a 'blind eye' to their childish antics!

This iz NOT! wot we want and if the club needed any more reason/excuse to play AALL wor resorve home games behind closed doors, then now they have it, due to some sheep-brained bairns!<(for 'sheep-brained' and 'bairns' iz wot they are!)

Now to the match!
The scorin' sequence went az follows!

23rd minute: Gabrial Obertan runs through to fire home a shot @ The Leazes End---1-0 to us! 

32nd minute: The SMBs equalise az Baird in the Toon goal haz an 'air shot' and misses the baall completely for a simple tap in---1-1!

45th minute: mackems score again to gan 2-1 up at the break!

58th minute: An Abeid corner finds Dan Goslings heed and he levels things---2-2!

66th minute: The SMBs regain the lead with a heeded goal---3-2 to them!

85th minute: Dan Gosling iz send off for a 2nd bookable offence and we gan doon to ten men!

86th minute: Just when it looks az though we've 'lost it', Ryan Donaldson comes to the rescue with a fine divin' heeder followin an excellent cross from Yven Moyo---3-3!---the 'destruction derby' starts!

Attendance: The Geordie Times predicted a 2,000 plus crowd and we were (just!) reet as 2,996 torned up! (not many SMBs this time!) 
This 'Geordie Times' match report waz supplied by wor ravin' reporters, 'Dave from York' and 'Mal the Ingish Skoool Teecha'!

THE TOON RESORVES v THE SMB RESORVES---TOONEET! @ ST JAMES' PARK!<(and aalways will be!)

Posted '9:00am bells' Thorsday 8th March 2012

The Geordie Times entourage HQ!

For the second time in fower days and the fourth time within the last three weeks, we take on a SMB team tooneet in a Tyne/wear derby!

The forst two meetins were both at the mackems 'Acad-emy of---"Sshh!---yee naa wot!" trainin groond' where the 'Under 16s' won 3-0 and the 'Under 18s' drew 2-2---and of course the last encoonta was the forst team's 'high noon shootout' @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!) where we drew 'ones each' last Sunday. 

This time it's the torn of the resorve teams of both clubs to 'fight to the death'!---but rather than the 52,000 plus crowd we got on Sunday, it will probably be nearer the 2,000 plus mark toneet @ '7 bells' @ St James'<(aawb!)

Season ticket holders and members will be admitted free and for aall othas it's £3 and £1 @ 'The East Stand' tornstiles

Az per usual at theeze games 'The Geordie Times entourage'<(havvent got a clue wot it meeenz?--but! it soonds good!) will meet in 'The Newcastle Arms' between 'five' and 'six bells'! (forst to the bar gets the drinks in!--- so aa'll be there LAST!)(work permittin'!)

MORE! FARCE!!!---MORE! POSSIBLE FIXTURE CHANGES!???

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 7th March 2012

Chelski's 2-0 win at Borming-ham in the FA Cup last neet meens that if they beat Leicester in the next roond, then wor game @ Stamford Bridge, scheduled for Saturday 14th April will have to be re-arranged, az the semi finals are that weekend (so divvint book your trains/flights yet!)

Wor final home game against Moneybags City haz been provisionaly moved from Saturday 5th to Sunday 6th May to avoid clashin' with the FA Cup final--BUT!---because of City's potential involvement in The Europa Cup final, it COULD be moved back to the Saturday!---Its a FARCE! 

BLACK & WHITE DAFT----ISSUE 8 OOT NOW!

Posted '9:30am bells' Wednesday 7th March 2012

ADVORTIZMENT!

The latest addition of 'Mad Mick's' 'Black and White Daft' fanzine iz nuw on the bookshelves of your local paper shop and 'The Back Page' in St Andrews Street, opposite 'The Newcastle Arms', which iz within easy 'hocklin distance' of St James' Park<(and aalways will be!)!
It's a canny read and one of the feature articles iz aboot wor 1974 FA Cup semi final against Bornley @ Hillsborough where 'The Geordie Times' haz 'penned' a story (gan to ground 030 in sidebar of this blog)
Priced at the price of a pint of John Smiths in 'The Arms' it aalso slags off the SMBs amongst othaz!

VILLA RESORVES 4 THE TOON RESORVES 0

Posted 'qwaata to midneet bells' Monday 5th March 2012

Facin' a strong Villa team with a team full of  mostly junior players and players who have been telt that they are to be released at the end of the season, it waz neva gannin to be an easy task and wor second string went doon 4-0 @ Villa Park toneet.

We were let off lightly though az Villa aalso hit the goalframe a total of SIX times! so the scoreline cud have been a lot worse!

Next up iz a resorve derby against the SMBs on thorsday neet @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!) for the second meetin' with them on home soil in just five days!

THE TOON 1 THE SMBs 1-----HIGH NOON SHOOTOUT!

Updated '10:50 am bells' Monday 5th March 2012

"SEVEN HEAVEN FOR INJURY TIME TORMENTOR!"

"THIRSTY FANS QUEUE FOR A DRINK
IN THE POURIN' RAIN!"
"IT'S QWAATA TO TEN ON A SUNDAY MORNIN'!!!"

A dramatic goal from 'life saver' Shola Ameobi deep into injury time at the end of the match saved face for The Toon and sent the 2,650 SMBs in Level 7 of The Leazes End home to that dark place 'winless' yet again.
Wor '100 Pub Crawl Challenge' started off in 'Sinners' @ 10 bells as the bars in 'The Gate' werent yet open!

We had to wait in a smaall queue for it to open, az it 'p*ssed doon'!,while next door @ 'Sam Jacks' the queues stretched up the road towards 'The Gate' at 'qwaata to ten' az Toon fans waited anxiously for it to open! 

When 'The Gate' finally opened, we 'did' 'Players Bar' and 'Mood' before heedin' for 'The Newcastle Arms' for the final pre match 'gargels'!

THE BIG KICK OFF!
We didn't start off well, but within the forst thorty seconds the SMBs made their intentions known when  Cattamole 'scythed doon' Cheik Tiote in front of the dugoots in wot waz surely an automatic sendin' off for the mackem captain.----But NO!---Mike Dean the ref 'bottled it' and gave him a 'yellow' instead, much to the annoyance of Toon manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' who was just yards from the incident.
This set the tone for the rest of the match as the away side tried to kick seven lumps of sh*te oot of the Toon players!

We then gave away a needless penalty at mid point of the half when Mike Williamson tugged a mackem player shirt in the box and the ref pointed straight to the spot!
The spot kick waz convorted by Bendtner to give them a rare lead against us.

We came close to an equaliser just before the break when Demba 'Ba' heeded against the 'bar' @ The Leazes End, but his effort boonced oot and we went in 1-0 doon at the break.

A different Newcasel came oot for the second half and we laid siege to The Gallowgate goal but couldn't find the equaliser.

The tornin' point of the game came in the 58th minute when Sessegnon elbowed Tiote and he waz given a straight 'red' by Dean to reduce the SMBs to 10 men.
The siege continued on The Gallowgate goal and from this point the mackems hardly got oot of their half.

Shola Ameobi was then brought into the 'fray' when he came on for Cisse in the 72nd minute much to the dread of the visitin' fans. (he's scored quite a few goals against them!)

They were quite right of course az just 10 minutes later in the 82nd minute he was brought doon in the box and again the ref pointed straight to the spot.

Demba Ba took it but his shot was parried away by the mackem keeper and aall hope of avoidin' defeat looked lost!

HOWEVER!---deep into injury time with the SMB hoards whistlin' frantically for the final whistle, Mike Williamson made up for hiz penalty 'gaff' and back heeded the baall to SHOLA (who else!) and he tapped the baall into the net for hiz SEVENTH goal against the mackems, to send 50,000 Geordies wild with delight!

"GOAL!"---"SEVEN HEAVEN FOR SHOLA!"

We even had time for a winner, but Williamson scuffed a shot which went for a corner from the six yard box and soon after this the ref blew for full time!

Aaltogether 9 players were booked to add to the sendin' off and there was a fracas between Moanin' Martin and 'I Beg Your Pardew' on the final whistle, then Cattamole finally got 'his just desserts' and was sent off for abusin' the ref  after the final whistle!

"WHY DON'T YOU F*** OFF BACK TO THE DARK PLACE!?"

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon (Ben Arfa 46), Ryan Taylor (Lovenkrands 88), Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez, Ba, Cisse (Shola Ameobi the life saver 72!) 

Attendance:52,388 (2,650 SMBs) (this was the highest attendance @ St James' Park <(and aalways will be!) for 36 years!)  

It was then off to complete wor 'pub crawl' for the day and we were in celebratory mood az we left the groond, even though we hadn' t won it!

"THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE ---IZ!---DIVVINT LOSE TO THE SMBs!"

FA VASE DRAW---DUNSTON v STAVELEY IN THE SEMI FINALS FOR A PLACE @ WEMBLEY!

Posted 1:45pm bells' Monday 5th March 2012

FEDERATION PARK---DUNSTON

Northern League side Dunston UTS (The Bad Blue Boys!) have been drawn @ home to Staveley in the forst leg of the semi finals of The FA Vase on Saturday 25th March and then away in the 2nd leg on Saturday 31st March.
The Toon arnt playin' on March 25th (we play WBA away the next day) so it would be great if a few Toon fans cud come alang and cheer 'The Bad Blue Boys' on their way to Wembley!

West Auckland, meanwhile have been drawn away to Herne Bay in the forst leg and then at home the followin' week, which means the possibility of TWO Northern league clubs in the Wembley final in May!