THE SEASIDE DONKEYS 1 v THE TOON 1

Posted '8:45 pm bells' Saturday 23rd April

A trip to the seaside on Easter Saturday was wor latest 'port o caall,' which aalso happened to be on 'St George's Day' as well, so the place was supposed to be f*****' heavin'!----but for some strange reason WASN'T?

I have to tell you that I definateleee 
DIDN'T!  climb up 'The Tower' or climb onto the back of a donkey on the beach! az the anly 'climbin' aa did was up the stairs to mee seat in row 'R' of  'The Bog Standard Stand' where the 2,100? Toon fans were housed.

Peter Lovencrands opened the scorin' for us in the 17th minute with a 25yard left footer from a Joey Barton pass. A rather thick roof post obscured my view of the goal a bit, but I saw his shot hit the back of the net to the right hand side of us! 

Blackpool then hit back with a 'was it ower the line' goal at the other end when Jose Enrique cleared a D J Campbell effort from the goal line on the half hour mark, anly for the ref to say that the clearance was from behind the line and gave 'The Donkey Boys' an equaliser (TV replays later proved this was a correct decision!)

The rest of the match was an awful affair and to be porfectly honest we were lucky to come away with a point as 1-1 was the final score 

A Toon fan summed the match up when he was quoted in 'The Mail on Sunday' as sayin': "The donkeys on the beach put in a better shift than we did!"


The match was a 16,030 selloot but anly 16,003 bothered to torn up?---which begs the question?---where were the missin' 23?
There were a few seats empty aroond me so they must have been Toon fans!---so!---were they!---'on 'the drink'?---'in the drink'?---OR?---'in the clink'?

Answers on a postcard pleeeze, to 'The Geordie Times'!


*We have sold aall wor tickets for the last two away games against Liverpool  (3,000) and Chelsea (ticket allocation to be conformed)

THE TOON 0 v THE RED DEVILS 0

Posted  '9:30 am bells' Wednesday 20th April

The consensus of opinion amongst The Toon fans ower the last few days was that we'd be (very!) happy with a point and that's exactly wot we got in a lively game played at 100mph! 
Some dodgy decisions by the ref left the crowd screamin' blue murder, especially when Peter Lovencrands was brought doon by Anderson in the box orly in the 2nd half, anly for 'man in the middle' to wave play on.
Everton's 'favourite son' Wayne Rooney then blatantly shoulder charged Joey Barton but the ref didn't even book him which was unbelievable!

To annoy the crowd even more Man U manager 'Fergie' then sent on a certain Michael Owen to a creshendo of booing from the home crowd and chants of "There's only one greedy B*****D!"
(The worst reception that a'v ever hord at St James' for a former player!)
The precious point means that we move back above Villa into 9th place on 40 points

The game was live on 'Sky' but wasn't a selloot!
With adult ticket prices between £42 & £67 it  wasn't surprisin' that there were still seats available!

Attendance: 49,025 (3,000 Man U)

Posted '9 am bells' Thorsday 21st April
The Resorves played Ashington last neet @' Benton for a place in The Northumberland Senior Cup final @  St James'Park.
They won 2-0 with both goals comin' in the 2nd half from Brad Inman who smashed in a shot in the 52nd minute and then on the hour mark wor lead was doubled when Michael Richardson volleyed home

Attendance: 406

'THE DAY OF THE FOOLS'!

  A'v revampin' an old post from 39 years ago, when we went to Sheffield United on APRIL FOOLS DAY 1972 .
A TRUE STORY from 'The Geordie Times' archive aboot a fan caalled 'Daft Tommy'!

"NO!---NOT!   THIS 'DAFT TOMMY'!"

A
'Geordie Gloss-ary of Terms' haz been added for the benefit of 'non' Geordie' readers
(See below!)
This story will aalso appear in issue 3 of
'The Black and White Daft Fanzine', which iz on sale NOW from aall good newsagents & 'The Back Page' shop in St Andrews Street, which iz opposite 'The Newcastle Arms' boozer and within 'hocklin' distance' of St James' Park! (well worth a reeed!)

BLACKBURN ROVERS RES 4 V THE TOON RES 4 ground 278: Leigh Sports Village Stadium

Posted       '11:45 pm bells' Monday 11th April
The away games 
have been com-in' up thick and fast and toneet we  played wor THORD away game on the trot on wor SECOND NEW GROOND in the last SIX days, when we heeded to Leigh Centurions Rugby League groond @ '7 bells' for wor *last Premier Resorve League game of the season against Blackburn's second string (*barrin' any play offs)

This time--- we WERE actually allowed in, ("Horray!") so at least there WAS some atmosphere, unlike the 'lock out' @ Great Barr last Tuesday . (See below!)

The toon of Leigh is much nearer to Wigan and Bolton than it is to Blackburn, which is some 17 miles! distant. 

Aroond  350 were present as the game kicked off, which included aboot 150 Toon fans  in the 11,000 capacity stadium. And what a thriller we saw in this 'see-saw' game which finished four's each.
Phil Airey (2)(1 pen) ,Ryan Donaldson and James Perch were wor goalscorers 

Posted '7 pm bells' Tuesday 12th April
The official attendance was actually 416 ---so I'm 66 oot with my estimate!  ('grovellin' apologeeez to aall wor readers!)

NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers report to follow in the next few days
("Wwwwatch this space!")

THE VILLIANS 1 v THE TOON 0

Posted 'ten fifteen (pm) bells' Sunday 10th April
We played Aston Villa today @ '4 bells' doon in Bormingham and I have to tell you that it was an absolutely woeful performance from 'The Aall Whites'. (We played in wor thord choice 'Real Madrid' strip today!) 

Villa took the lead in the 24th minute when James Collins struck a glancin' heeder from a free kick past Stevie Harper in the Toon goal to record the anly goal of the game, played oot by two very poor teams!.



The 'game'? was live on Sky and I'm sure that many would have hit the 'off button' well before the end! (It's just a pity that the 3,000 away fans present at Villa Park didn't have the same option!)
Somehow we are still 9th in the Premier League table!
Attendance: 37,090

MYSTERY AND IMAGINATION

Posted '12:20 pm bells' Saturday 9th April

You reeely will! have to use your 'imagination' for the latest groundhoppin'   'ma-tch report' which is now online, az it's a 'mystery' to how we got in to this 'behind closed doors' resorve team fixture in The West Midlands' last Tuesday

SEE BELOW!

277 great barr west brom

(GROUND NUMBER 277)
Date of First Visit: 5^th APRIL 2011
GREAT BARR, WALSALL


WEST BROMWICH ALBION RESERVES 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES 1 (Phil Airey)


FA PREMIER RESERVE LEAGUE
ATTENDANCE: Behind closed doors. 150 'privileged few' inside
Plus 9 West Brom 'plebs' ootside!



"MISSION (IM)POSSIBLE!??"

"Somewhere underneath West Brom's trainin' groond!"


Aboot a fortneet before this game was to be played aa foond oot that it had been switched from Albion's home groond @ The Hawthorns, to their trainin' complex @ Great Barr, some six miles away.
Now!—had the game been played at The Hawthorns aa wouldn't have bothered gannin' as (of course!) a'v been there many-many times before to watch wor forst team in action (for forty years infact!) but of course Great Barr was a 'new groond' and so it was 'compulsary' to gan!
And then aa hord the 'devestatin' news'-----the game was to be played 'BEHIND CLOSED DOORS! with ne access to the proper fans!!!




"MYSTERY AND IMAGINATION!" ("Believe this and yi'll believe anything!")▼▼▼▼▼

Two of us wanted to gan but wot could we de to get in?---aa had to get mee 'thinkin' cap on' for a solution and usin' mee mad-sad groundhoppin' skills aa came up with 'a few irons in the fire' solutions!
'Iron in the fire- One': Buy a couple of pole vaultin' poles and propel worsels ower the security fence!---The problem with this method was---aa weigh sixteen stone (plus!) and aa was worried that the pole might snap as aa reached maximum height ower the fence and a'd end up impaled on the barbed wire!---but it was worth a go!


'Iron in the fire- Two': Buy two 'Harley Davidson's, rev the engine up to full throttle!---and then take a half mile run up the hill next to the groond at 100mph and fly ower the fence!---The problem with this method was!---wot if the hill next to the groond wasn't steep enough and mee weight acted as a 'gravitational pull' doonwards ?-- aa would end up 'imbedded' in the fence!, 'cartoon style'---again!---it was worth a go!

'Iron in the fire'- Three': (The most brilliant idea of the lot!:) Dig a tunnel underneath the groond and come up through a hole behind the goal line next to the changin' rooms!----The problem with the 'tunnel method' of entry was that it would tek us a 'canny lang time' to dig it! and therefore!--- usin' my *vast knowledge of diggin' tunnels, I worked oot that we would probably miss the kick off! (*As a bairn of five I once dug a tunnel in the sand on Whitley Bay beach with a plastic spade!)----yet again---it was worth a go!---even if we missed the kick off!
But how would we actually get in???---see the answer at the end of the story!


We set off at 'ten thorty bells' in 'The Caped Crusaders' 'Batmobile' and arrived at Great Barr at aroond '1:30 bells' but couldn't find the groond. After drivin' up and doon Birmingham Road (where the groond was supposed to be!) we stopped at a petrol station to fill up and ask directions .
The gadgie sent us back doon the road we had just come up and telt us to take the 2^nd left past the bus stop. We did and ended up in the car park of THE BELL PUB! (we had obviously gone too far again!) So there was nowt else for it but to gan in for a couple of 'gargels' before makin' another attempt to find the entrance to the groond!
It was then off to find the groond once more and this time we were successful (horray!) and foond the entrance hidden away behind some bushes and it was from there that we picked up wor 'equipment' (which were hidden there for us by a friend caalled 'R**' on a previous occasion!) and we made wor 'darin attempt' to gain entry!


S -O -M- E    C- -O- -N- -S-- I –D—E—R—A—B—L-- E      T- I- M- E   L- A- T- E- R- !
WE WERE INSIDE THE GROOND! reet
next to the changin' rooms and like aa say, I cannit tell you how we got in yet!---yi'll have to 'read on' for the answer at the end of the story


The game started off on a wind swept pitch and there were aboot 150 spectators present, made up entirely of club officials, reporters, scouts and US!. Nine 'locked out' Baggies fans watched the proccedings from outside the groond with their noses pressed through the holes of the security fence, some one hundred yards from the action! (a sad state of affair when yi cannit get in ti watch yi team!)


The Toon had the forst real chance when in the 14^th minute Michael Richardson had a shot which was cleared off the line by a defenders kneecap! However just 3 mins later the home side took the lead when Tchoyi curled a shot past Alwick in the Newcastle goal to ne applause or reaction whatsoever from the players or spectators! (the forst time av ever been to a match when no one applauded or cheered a home goal!)
'Glennn from Ashington' then suddenly appeared oot of newhere, sayin' that ,like us,he couldn't find the groond and he was cursin' the fact that he had missed the goal (he had another 'secret method' for gainin' entry, just like us!)
There was ne further score in the forst half and the players stayed on the pitch for their half time oranges etc as the wind howled aroond them.


10 minutes into the restart we equalised when Dan Taylor centred the baall to Phil Airey who's fine shot from the edge of the box beat the home keeper at 'The Tunnel Eer! ---(slip of the tongue!) 'Changin' Rooms End'!. (again!-no reaction from anybody!)
The rest of the second half was a 'dire' affair with the players gannin through their paces as though it was a practise match and to be honest it was just like watchin' a pub team playin' a game on a Sunday mornin' with 'one man and his dog', such was the lack of atmosphere.
The final whistle blew and we made wor way back to the 'jam jar' (through the trainin' groond gates this time!) and arrived back on Tyneside at around '8 pm bells'.



And the answer as to how we got in????- ---Under the 'Official Mad-Sad Groundhoppers Secrets Act' I am sworn to secrecy and silence as we may need this 'method' of entry at a future date and aa divvint want to 'drop meesel in it'!-------but can I just say a very special thank you to 'R**' who had made wor MISSION POSSIBLE! (THE CLUES ARE IN THE PICTURES---FOLKS!—TAKE YOUR PICK!)(OR SHOVEL!)

Cheers!
©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺unddigger!)☺




Geordie Glossary of Terms and Phrases (for the benefit of 'non Geordie' readers)(as they appear)


Plebs=supporters!
Aboot=about
Fortneet=fortnight
Foond=found
Oot=out
Gannin'=going
A'v=I have
Wor=our
Forst=first
Groond=ground
Gan=go
Aa=I
Hord=heard
Ne=no
Yi'll=you will
Wot=what
Mee=my
Worsels=ourselves
Ower=over
A'd=I had
Doonwards=downwards
Canny lang time=quite a while
Bairn=young child
Thorty=thirty
Bells='O' clock
Around=around
Gadgie=gentleman
Doon=down
Telt=told
Nowt=nothing
Gargles=beers
Reet=right
Yi=you
Cannit=cannot
Ti=to
The Toon=Newcastle United
Newhere=nowhere
Jam jar=car
Groundhopper=football ground 'collector'
Divvint=do not
Meesel=myself

A BRIDGE TOOO FAR!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 8th April

^ "YI'LL NEED ONE OF THEEEZE TO GET IN!" ^

It haz come to wor attention that The Toon fans will be charged the ridiculous price of FIFTY QUID! to get into wor last game of the season away to Chelsea @ Stamford Bridge!  
That's FIFTY QUID to 'STAND' in the corner section of 'The Shed' upper tier.
It shud be noted that the forst time aa went there in 1972 it cost me less than FIFTY PENCE! to get in!----


'THE SHED END' 1972---change oot of 50p!


"THE WORLD'S GONE F*****' MAD!"

SUNSHINE STATE 'SORTE'

Posted
'9 am bells' Thu 7th April
Another game has been added to wor USA tour against Olando City, who hail from 'The Sunshine State' of Florida, which is yet more great news for wor USA based fans. The game will be played @ 'The Citrus Bowl' on Saturday 23rd July.
Wor other games are against Sporting Kansas City @ Livestrong Sporting Park on Wednesday 20th July and Columbus Crew @ Crew Stadium on Tuesday 26th July

BAGGIES RESORVES 1 v TOON RESORVES 1 Great Barr (ground 277)

Posted '8:50 pm bells' Tue 5th April
MISSION (IM)POSSIBLE!

Just got back from the resorves 'behind closed doors' away game against West Brom which took place @ '3 bells' this afternoon on a new groond at Great Barr, which is in between West Brom and Walsall.  
Two of us went doon this mornin', but DID WE get in????---Like aa said last week, aa had a few 'irons in the fire' to try and gain entry---and IT WORKED! (Very special thanx to R**!)
We drew one's each in wot was a 'dire' game with Phil Airey gettin' wor goal ten mins into the second half on a wind swept pitch in front of aroond 150 spectators, made up entirely of club officials, reporters, scouts and US!

Nine 'locked out' 'Baggies' fans watched the proccedings from ootside the groond through the holes of the security fence some hundred yards from the 'action'   


Comprehensive mad-sad groundhoppers report to follow in the next few days, tellin' the story of just how we beat the 'lock-out' and got in!

              AZ EVER!--- WATCH THIS SPACE!