(GROUND NUMBER 50)
Date of First Visit: 16th DECEMBER 1978
CRAVEN COTTAGE, LONDON
FULHAM 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 3 (Connolly, Withe, Shoulder)
(OLD) DIVISION TWO
ATTENDANCE: 8,575 (2,000 Toon fans)
“CRUFTS!---CRUFTS!---HERE WE COME!”
"MESSIN' ABOUT ON THE RIVER!"
Wi'd caught the midneet train doon tih London for this one and arrived at aboot five in the mornin' totally 'cream crackered', as wi'd been on the hoy in the Toon on the friday neet az was usual.
‘Piper’ on the other hand had opted for the bus to Victoria instead az it was cheaper than the train and we arranged to meet him in central London at Snows bar aboot dinnertime-ish (‘Dinner’ bein’ a pint of flat bitter and---er!----Another pint of flat bitter!)
When wih got to Kings Cross wih headed for Euston for a wash 'n' brush up, before catchin' the forst tube of the day at ‘six bells’ tih Spitalfields Market for a few 'Arthur Scargills' (gargels!) in 'The Gun' which opened early for the market traders. (and us!)
It was six 'o' clock in the mornin' as ah stared blankly at mee pint of 'Londons finest' (i.e. flat as a fart and nee heed!) and it took iz aboot an hour tih drink it!.
Aa was feelin' 'Az rough az a badgers' az wih left the bar and wih made for the 'bright lights' of the 'West End' az wih did in them days.
Then, after a few more 'gargels' in 'Snows' and the 'Cockney Pride' wih heeded for the Thames az that's where Fulham play. (Beside it---NOT! in IT!)
Near tih the 'Hooses of Parliament End' there were pleasure boats offerin' cruises doon the Thames to The Tower of London' amongst other places.
Ah noticed that one of the boats had a bar on board---SO!---az yih dee!---wih decided tih become 'tourists' for the day and tek a trip doon the 'swanny' tih 'see the sights'!.
On board were a group of Scandinavian tourists, complete with obligatory back packs and camraaz, and they spoke 'The Qweenz English' betta than us!..
We were taalkin' away amongst worsels when ah mentioned the word 'YHEM' in the conversation!.
Straight away, one of the group, who had owerhord iz, said:
"ARE YOO FROM NORWAY I THINK!" (Like ah say, they could speak 'wor lingo' better than us!)
"NAA!---NAA! HINNEY!----WIH COME FROM GEORDIELAND!", came the reply 'yorz truly'!.
"I NO OONDERSTAND WHAT YOO SAY?", came the reply from wor puzzled 'Laplandlian'! friend!.
Ah modirated mee language so shih could understand iz, and 'hoyed' a bit of 'The Qweenz Lingo' in for good measure!.
"OHH I SAIY!---WEE ARE FROM THEE NUWWCARSSIL REEGON OHV THEE YOONIGTED KEENGDUM--- AACT-TU-LEE!". (Translation: "Oh I say!---we are from the Newcastle region of the United Kingdom
Shih understud that!, and said: "OH!---IT'S JUST THAT I HEARD YOO SAY 'YHEM'!---THIS IS NORWEIGAN FOR 'HOUSE'!".
Amazin'!---in't it?---'YHEM' meens 'HOOSE' in Norweigan AND 'Geordie'!. (It's a smaall world!)
Ah explained this too hor, and heeded for the 'bar' tih catch the lads up, az the 'gadgie' was just pullin' off the forst 'Arthurs'! behind the coonta!. (Ah wonder what 'GARGEL' meens in Norweigan???)
Az the boat set off the tourists lined the decks and the tour guide started tellin' them aboot the history of London
"On your right is the Houses of Parliament"-----"and on your left is Big Ben"!, she announced ower the rather 'loud', loudspeakers, to hor enthraaled audience, who were clickin' their camraz for their 'prized? pictures??.
(The anly thing that WE were 'clickin', were wor fingers towards the barman, tih summon him for some more 'liquid refreshment'!) (az yih dee!)
Next stop was 'Towa Bridge
The 'Beefeaters' were oot in force az we disembarked doon the gang plank back tih 'terra firma' and az the Norweigans rushed towards the 'towa' (click!--click!--click!), we rushed towards the nearest booza which wi'd 'clocked' in the distance (sup!--sup!--sup!) az it was fast approachin' 'first bells'! (er!--ah think yih can guess the rest!?)
Chapter TWO:
"IT’S A DOGS LIFE!"
Much later we arrived at a waaterin' hole aboot five mins waalk from Fulham's groond and after a couple of 'Arthurs' who should mek an appearance, but 'Piper' who'd made his aan way tih London by bus. (Whey!---NOT exactly by 'bus'!)------(reed on!)(REED ON!)
He was covered in cement dust from heed tih foot and looked in a reet state---much worse than what he normally was!
"PIPER!", one of the lads shooted---"WHERE THE HELL HA' YIH BEEN?---LIKE!---YIH COVERED IN CEMENT DUST!"
"IT'S A LANG LANG STORY!---AALL TELL YIZ ABOORIT AFTER A'V HAD A GARGEL, COZ MEE MOOTH'S LIKE 'GANDEES FLIPFLOP'!, said 'the man in yellowy-white' az he dusted himsel doon at the coonta!
'PIPER' (in his aan words) (afta scratchin' hiz scalp and shakin' hiz heed tih get rid of his newfoond 'dandruff'!)
-------------"GULP!"------------------------"GULP!"------------------------------"GULP!" ---------"GULP!"--------------"GULP!"--------------------------------"G-U-L-P!"
"AAAHHHH!---that's berra!"
"WELL!---Like ah say!--it's a lang story!---so here gans!"
"Ah was travellin' doon on the midneet 'Rapede' from Gallowgate bus station and ah asked the driver, "Are yih gannin doon?" (tih the match) and he replied, "Aye!--hop on!", and he tore the stub off mee ticket az ah boarded".
"However!---ah thought it was a bit strange az ah took mee seat coz there were loads of aad biddies with 'blue rinses' aalso gettin' on?" (NOT! yih usual futbaall 'crowd')
"Some of them had their pet pooches with them and then one 'wifey' sat doon next to iz with a geet big shephard, which immediately plonked it's sel doon in the alley way! and started lickin' it's owners feet!" (A jorman 'shepherd'---NOT! Freddy Shepherd!)
Ah could'nt work it oot?--but!---afta a 'heavy' neet 'on the hoy', ah could'nt be bothered tih strike up a conversation and ask hor!"
"Ah quickly 'crashed oot' (ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!)-----and sometime later awoke ootside the 'Bullring' shoppin' centre in Birmingham ------F***** BIRMINGHAM LONDON
"DRIVER!", ah shooted az ah hurried doon the front of the bus, "THE TOON ARE PLAYIN' FULHAM---NOT! 'VILLA'!---WHERE THE F***** HELL ARE YIH GANNIN--LIKE???"
His reply sent 'shivaz doon mee spine'!
"CRUFTS DOG SHOW!!!"---"Where di yi think???"
Aa hesitated for a moment in total disbelief and replied at the top of mee voice!---"WHI GANNIN WHERE!?"---CRUFTS F*****' DOG SHOW!???----STOP THE BUS!---A'M GETTIN' OFF!"
At this point the driver 'slammed the anchors on' and opened the door! One aad biddy 'piped up'(sic!), "Actually it's not Crufts Dog Show that we're going to, it's a dog show where Crufts is held!" (EH!) (Well!---THAT meks a difference---DOES'NT IT!?)
"Luckily ah was'nt too far from the 'M6' and 'Spaghetti Junction', so ah said mee goodbyes tih the jorman shepherd, jumped off the bus and heeded there tih thumb a lift."
"After a few fruitless minutes a 'Blue Circle' cement lorry pulled up and he telt iz he was gannin tih 'the smoke' and that he'd giz a lift on one condition----ah had tih help him tip his load of bagged cement when wih got tih London!
"O.K.!", ah said, "YIV GORRA DEAL!"
"He nodded his approval, so ah climbed aboard--------------ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!---sometime later we arrived at a buildin' site somewhere in 'norf Landan' near Arsenal's groond, where wih had tih 'hand-baall' the whole 20 ton load ontih pallets coz they had nee 'fork lift'!---(SOME DEAL!)
"By the time we were finished ah was totally 'cream crackered', covered in cement and badly in need of some 'liquid refreshment!', so ah heeded for a bar in Fulham Palace Road and bumped intih a few of the lads and the conversation went sommik like this!"
"PIPER!"---WHERE THE HELL HA' YIH BEEN?---LIKE!---YIH COVERED IN CEMENT DUST!?"
"IT'S A LANG STORY!---SO HERE GANS!"
"Ah was travellin' doon on the midneet 'Rapede' from Gallowgate buZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!"
Chapter THREE:
"BETTA LATE THAN NEVA !"
Az mentioned, we were in a booza within' a 'stones throw' of Craven Cottage, so an extra 'Arthur' was on the cards when one of the lads asked iz if a wanted a quick 'gargel' at 'half two bells'.
(NO! prizes for guessin' mee answer tih THAT one!)
Ten mins later and with empty glasses in front of us, we had nee option but tih heed for the match. (az yh dee!)
Afta a quick visit tih the 'tool shed' (tih shake hands with the 'unemployed'!)(work it oot!) wih 'staggered' ootside---and---horror upon horror!----the floodlights could be seen doon the road ---BUT!---they were aboot the size of broon ale bottles!---in other words the groond was f***** miles away and by my calculations it would tek wih a good twenty minutes tih waalk it and by this time there was anly ten minutes tih kick off!.
In them days we were aall aboot five stone lighter than what we are nuw, so wih decided tih 'jog' doon the road tih try and mek the start, but with two gallons plus of 'liquid refreshment' sloshin' aboot inside wih, (minus the 'tool shed' stops!) this 'idea' was 'aborted' afta approximately TEN SECONDS!
In otha words---there was nee way wi'd get there for 'three bells' and wi'd just have tih hope that wih did'nt miss any goals!
Wor 'HOPES' fell on 'deef lugz', for az wih got within a hundred yards of the tornstiles a big roar went up from the crowd, but wih did'nt naa who'd scored so wih quicked wor pace up tih 'jog standard' once more, then aall of a sudden anotha roar went up---so that was TWO goals wi'd missed!.
Unbelievibly!---az wih payed wor 'bit' at the gate yet ANOTHA! roar went up and wih ran up the stairs tih the terraces (totally oot of breath!) prayin' that wih would'nt miss anymore goals!
A tapped a kidda on the shoulder when wih finally reached the terraces (some five minutes late!) and asked him, "PANT!--PANT!--PANT!---WHAT'S THE SCORE MATE!?--PANT!--PANT!"
"TWO-ONE TIH THE TOON", came the reply, "CONNOLLY AND WITHE GOT WORS AND CHRIS GUTHRIE GOT THEIRS!" (ex Toon player)
So at least mee worst fears that we were loosin' three-nowt were'nt true, but the fact that a'd missed two of wor goals put a bit of a 'dampener' on it for me!
But would there be anymore score?---knaain' my luck there would'nt be, but at least we were in the match!---betta late than neva!---ah suppose!
The rest of the forst half was 'to and fro', but there were nee mare goals and we went in two-one at the break.
Ah had a quick look aroond Craven Cottage at half time and a more 'picturesque' settin' for a futbaall groond would be hard tih find.
Tih mee left was the River Thames which meandered slowely past the Riverside Stand (mee finx a'v been there before?) and tih mee right was the 'cottage' that gave the groond it's name which nestled in the corner and it aalso doubled up az the dressin' rooms!. (A little gem!)
The second half started and mee 'dream goal' was'nt lang in comin' when a fine effort from Alan Shoulder put us three-one up and ah had sommik tih celebrate at last! (Cheers Alan!)
This iz the way it stayed and we went away happy that at least a'd seen a qwaata of the goals scored!
And the moral of this story iz: 'If someone tellz yih that the groond iz anly five minutes doon the road, divvint tek their word for it!---CHECK IT OOT YIHSEL!!!
Wih heeded for Piccadilly again afta the match tih frequent the usual 'haunts' of 'The Cockney Pride' and 'Snows'---etc!---etc!---etc!---etc!
Wih got the midneet 'paper train' az usual back yhem az usual and 'Piper' (believe it or not!?) got the reet bus this time at Victoria
©Fink™ The mad-sad grJundhJpper!
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