Wednesday, 31 October 2018

HALLOWEEN 2014 REVISITED*** "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPIN' IN MY BED?"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 31st October 2108

Below iz the 'classic' archive report from wor home game against 'The Liverbirds' 4 years ago!
We make ne apologeez whatsoever for 'digging it up' again!

THE TOON 1 THE LIVERBIRDS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:15am bells' Sunday 2nd November 2014

"WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?"

John 'The Undertaker's' funeral had been the day before and 'The Colonel' (he's 'the spit' of deposed 'crackpot' Colonel Gadaffi!) waz stoppin' owerneet in The Rowers Hotel in Dunston to go the funeral and then the match against The Liverbirds the next day. (He lives in Bracknell in Berkshire)

We'd had quite a few drinks in celebration of 'The Undertaker's' life and after hiz funeral in The Toon and after a canny few drinks in various hostelries, I showed 'The Colonel where the hotel waz on the Friday evenin' and he dropped hiz owerneet bag off in 'Room 1' on the 1st floor of the hotel.

Az he waz droppin' hiz bag off  aa asked the hotel manager if he waz full that neet!  "We're fully booked", he said,  "But some of our business guests have been unavoidably delayed and won't get here til the mornin'!" <(an important point---reeed on!)

We then went on 'the hoy' in Dunston takin' in The Royal Hotel bar and The Tudor Rose bar where a Halloween party waz takin' place with the locals dressed up az ghouls, witches and devils with horns stickin' oot of their heeds and there waz even one idiot in a gorilla suit!
"THERE'S A GHOST IN THE HOUSE!" *** TUDOR ROSE

"Have yoo seen them?" 'The Colonel' said, and I told him that this waz the NORMAL dress attire in Dunston!

Anyway!---aa finally left him in a dishevelled and inebriated state 'late on' and arranged to meet him the next mornin' @ '10 bells' to gan to the match which kicked off @ '12:45 bells'

"Yi'll nevaa guess wot happened to me last night!?" he said when he torned up---and aa had visions of him tellin' me that he couldn't find hiz way back to the hotel!

But a more bizarre set off events had taken place!

He DID find the hotel and went to hiz room (which he'd forgot to lock!?) and 'crashed oot' "ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

Next mornin' he awoke and opened the curtains and he could see that he had a view of the River Tyne from hiz window!
He couldn't understand why, az when he had went to hiz room the previous night to drop hiz bag off, he had a view of the road that leads to Dunston's futbaall groond?

He decided he needed a shave and went to get hiz owerneet bag which he'd left on a chair beside the bed---but it wasn't there!---he searched the room and even looked under the bed to see if it waz there---but it wasn't!???----(it waz Halloween wasn't it---spooky!) Someone must have sneaked in and 'nicked it' while he waz asleep, he thought and he went doon to reception to complain to the manageress of the hotel!

She went back upstairs with him and like a scene from 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears', she discovered that in fact he'd went back to the WRANG ROOM when he'd came back and had slept in the WRANG BED!--hence the 'Tyne view' he had and 'ne bag' in the room! <(yi couldn't make it up!)

Obviously the room he'd slept in WAZ for the (still un-arrived!) business people the hotel manager had told me aboot the neet before!

Imagine the scenario if the delayed business people HAD arrived orly in the mornin'???---A Beautiful blonde bimbo businesswoman arrives exhausted and gans to hor room!
She hoys hor 'kit off' and dives into bed--anly to discover a 'Colonel Gadaffi' lookalike snorin' hiz heed off on the next pillow!
A 'Halloween Horror Story' if ever there waz one!!!!  



Anyway!---off we set for The Toon and he got 'a load of merciless stick', aboot it, aa can tell yiz!

It waz then 'match time' and we heeded for wor seats.
The Toon started off the better of the 2 sides and went close on a couple of occasions. The Liverbirds were not very good and couldn't muster a shot durin' the 1st half and they were lucky not to be behind at the interval when at least one penalty decision went against us!
THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (1st HALF)

The visitors were a bit better in the 2nd period but The Toon stuck in and went for 'the jugular'.
The breakthrough came in the 73rd minute when a Sissoko pass was blocked by Mereno, but it fell nicely for Perez and he whacked the baall into the net from just inside the box to put us one-nil up, to huge roars from the crowd!

It shud have been two just eight minutes later when Cabella waz put through by Sissoko and with anly Mignonet to beat in The Liverbirds goal he shot by the keeper managed to push the baall around the post to deny him!

It 'mattered not' though!---and we held on to record wor FOURTH win in a row and move up to the dizzy heights of 11th in the table!
ACTION @ THE GALLOWGATE END DURIN' THE 2nd HALF

After the match me and 'The Colonel' heeded for 'The Bodega on Westgate Road where he left hiz owerneet bag under a table!

Sometime later he looked for it, but (again!) it wasn't there? and had mysteriously moved by itself to an alcove above a door!----very spooky! 
"HOW DID THAT GET UP THERE!???"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Steve Taylor, Dummett, Sissoko, Abeid, Colback, Obertan (Aarons 27), Cisse (Perez 46), Sammy Ameobi (Cabella 66)

Attendance: 52,166 (3,200 Liverbirds)

Monday, 29 October 2018

"GO HIGH OCTANE IN OCTOBER!"

Posted '2:20pm bells' Tuesday 2nd October 2018
Updated '2:15pm bells' Thorsday 25th October 2018
Updated '1:20pm bells' Munday 29th October 2018

'The Geordie Times' iz leadin' the fightback against the 'Go Sober in October' campaign that iz heavily advertised on the telly, radio, tabloids and mags, to stop people drinkin for the month of October!
These individuals wernt content with 'Dry January' where people didn't drink in that month and now they've started on October!---what next we ask?--- 'No bevvies in February's' or 'Lets go dry in July!'
So we've started a "GO HIGH OCTANE IN OCTOBER!" campaign to help stem the rapid decline of wor traditional pubs before its too late!

Did you naa that 18 pubs a week are shuttin' doon because of people not usin their local boozers, which works oot at staggerin' 936 a year!

And these 'Go sober' do gooders are tryin to make it worse!
Wor '100 away pub crawl challenge' where we are tryin to visit a 100 away pubs durin' this season, iz well under way and we have visited a total of 62 different pubs/clubs since wor forst game of the season at Barrow in Furness in July!

THE FIGHTBACK IZ ON! (see away pub crawl pix article below!)

Sunday, 28 October 2018

THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:11am bells' Sunday 28th October 2018 ("Aye, aa remembered to put mee clocks back!")
Updated Munday '12:56pm bells'
THE TOON ARE IN THE LIGHT BLUE STRIP

"LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE!"
(6 trains, 4 tubes and 2 taxis!)

This woz the jorney from hell if ever there woz one in this 700 miles roond trip to the south coast!
Forst of aall, aa dragged mee lifeless body oot of bed at '4am bells' and jumped into a taxi from wor hoose, to catch the '5:26 bells' train from 'The Central' to King's Cross in London 
Because of a train strike on the line between Waterloo in London and Sooothampton we decided cross London by 2 tube trains to catch a train from Paddington to Reading and then onward to wor final destination!

"WET! WET! WET!"

On wor jorney from Paddington to Reading, a lass waalked doon the train with a very hot cup of waataa---and az she waalked past one of the lads, who shall remain nameless, called 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', she spilt it aall ower hiz legs and 'private parts'!
He jumped up in agony shoutin' "F***** HELL!"--F***** HELL!" several times in shock, az she apologised and apologised, az we rolled aboot with laughter, az he looked like he'd p*ssed himself! 😅
"TAKIN' THE P*SS!---GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUUSIVE!


The lass had wanted the hot waata to put on some porridge she'd bought and improvised by pourin a cup of coffee into the bowl to mix the porridge!!!! (Yi couldn't make it up!)

We were lucky (apart from Blondie!) and everything else went to plan az we arrived at Sooothampton Central some six hours after leavin' the Toon and heeded for the nearest waaterin hole (The Giddy Bridge) for some much needed 'liquid lubrications'!
THE GIDDY BRIDGE


Others wornt so lucky, az they tried to get there via Waterloo station and got stuck half way az the train woz overloaded to burstin point!
(They eventually arrived 1 hour after us!)

2 more waaterin holes later and it woz time too heed for 'wor punishment' at St Mary's Stadium!---and 'punishment' it woz az we failed to have even one shot on target in the entire game!
Soloman Rondon finally made an appearance after a lang injury, half way through the 2nd half, but even he couldn't hit the target in one of the most borin' games yoo could wish to watch, which not suprizingleee ended in a goalless draw (Sooothampton were shockin' az well!)

The one point gained actually lifted us off the bottom of the table and anly two points from safety, az aall the teams around us lost---some of them heavily!
By wor recognin' 5 teams are in 'the mix' for relegation----'uddersfield, Cardiff, Fulim, Sooothampton and 'US'!

We reversed the train, tube, train and taxi jorneys on the way back, eventually arrivin' yem at '12:30am bells'! 

Footnote: Simon Templar woz a character in a cult 1960s TV programme caalled 'The Saint'!, which of course iz Sooothampton's nickname---hence 'The Simon Templar Mob'----get it?

Team line ups and more pix to follow later, when aa get time---like! (Oot on 'the hoy' very soon!)

MUCH LATER!
Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Fernandez, Dummett, Richie, Shelvey, Diame (Ki76), Kenedy, Perez (Rondon 69), Muto (Atsu 80)

Attendance:30,736 (2,450 OR 2,500 very bored Toon fans!---not sure?)

*More pub crawl pix
Sooothampton


Sooothampton

London after game

London after game


*

Friday, 26 October 2018

"IT WOZ 50 YEARS AGO TODAY!---AA WENT AWAY TO SEE NEW-CAS-IL PLAY"

Posted '3:00pm bells' Friday 26th October 2018

Fifty years ago today at this time ('3pm bells'), az a wide eyed skoolkid, aa went to mee forst 'lang distance' away game, when we played Liverpool at Anfield at the height of Beatle mania!
A match report from that game half a century ago iz printed below ("Now where did aa put mee zimmer frame?")

Ground  number 3
"She loves you!,yeah!-yeah!-yeah!"

003 anfield liverpool


GROUND NUMBER 3

Date of First Visit: 26th OCTOBER 1968

ANFIELD, LIVERPOOL


LIVERPOOL 2 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 1 (Tommy Gibb)



(OLD) DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE 45,323 (3,000 Toon fans)






"SHE LOVES YOU!, YEAH! YEAH!YEAH!"                                   




Anfield!, The Kop!, The Beatles!. This was mee forst ‘lang distance away game’ followin’ ‘The Toon’ as a young schoolboy (at least aa! thought it was a lang way!) and aa caught the supporters club coach from Morden Street in The Haymarket at ‘six bells’ (there were ne motorways up here in them days, so yi had to leave orly!) for the princely sum of 12 shillings and sixpence!. (60 odd pence in todays money!)

(The anly other groonds a’d been te at the time were St James’ Park of course and the away derby at ‘yee naa where’!)



The Beatles were in their heyday and the Scousers used tih sing their songs on The Kop, while everyone of them seemed tih be wearin' a suit 'n' tie---and not a futbaall top in sight!?.


However!---there WERE hundreds of home made flags and banners nailed ontih sticks, wavin’ in The Kop. (one of which looked liked a bed sheet which waz probably ‘half inched’ from some poor mutha’s bed?) (OR!---from some poor wifey’s washin’ line!) 



Add that tih the thoosands of scarf wavers and the whole end looked like a ‘sea of red’ az they swayed from side tih side singin’: ‘She loves you yeah! yeah! yeah!’, amongst other classics (Quite a sight!)


There were a canny few Toon fans in the Anfield Road end wavin’ THEIR scarves iz well, singin’ ‘The Blaydon Races’ in reply (although!, ah did’nt spot any ‘bed sheet nickers’ from wor lot!) and they mixed freely with the Liverpool fans.

(Ne crowd segregation in them days!)


A’v got to say that aa was very impressed with Anfield at the time as it had cover on aall fower sides. (a rarity in the 60’s) To wor left was the Kemlyn Road Stand which had a roof that sloped doonwards so as not to block the light from the terraced hooses in the street behind.  The main stand to wor right had a barrel shaped roof not unlike the West Stand at the Toon and it had a gable at the front with the clubs name on it painted in bright red.  The Kop opposite was huge and held more than half the groonds capacity and in keepin’ had a huge roof to cover it. Wor end was aboot a thord of the Kops size and the roof covered three qwaatas  of the terraces.



If ah remember rightly, it cost the princely sum of two bob tih get in (ten pence!) and the match programme (which ah still have today gatherin’ dust somewhere in mee loft!) cost 9d, which in todays money is aboot three and a half pence!

(Aye!---it meks iz feel quite ancient!---pass mee zimmer frame!)



The Toon went ahead after 21 minutes, when Alan Foggon centred the baall tih Tommy Gibb, who's spectacular shot hit the back of the net, givin' Liverpool keeper Tommy Lawrence ne chance.



(This was the Toons forst---and last!---shot of the game!)



Wor lead was short lived however, when the 'Scousers' levelled the score two minutes later, when teenage sensation Alun Evens vollyed home.

The noise of the crowd waz unbelievable and ah can remember coverin’ mee lugs with mee hands az a loud shrill like sound enveloped the whole groond!

(Not unlike the reception The Beatles used tih get when they appeared on stage!)



We held oot until the 85th minute under a barrage from the Liverpool forwards, but then Willie McFaul, (who'd had a blinder up 'til then) made a terrible blunder, when he failed to hold a weak shot from Peter Thompson, and the baall slipped through his hands and open legs---and into the net!



The sight of the Toon goalie stampin' the groond in frustration, just aboot summed up how AH felt!, and wih went doon 2-1.



A'd had a brilliant day (apart from the score!) and mee forst proper away game was under mee belt---ah was hooked! and after the game wih heeded for Blackpool Illuminations (yi could say, a’d ‘seen the light’!)


“Arsenal---Arsenal---here we come!"  (Wor next away game!)                 




              

THE TOON U23s v THE SMOGGIES U23s **** TOONEET @ SJP

Posted '12:57pm bells' Friday 26th October 2018

Tooneet at HQ NUFCs U23 side take on The Smoggies equivalent in a Premyaa Leegue 2 match!

Kick off iz at '7 bells' and az per usual, anly The East Stand will be open for Toon fans (and Smoggies if they bring any?)

Season ticket holder get in for nowt of course and it's £3 for big kids and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites withoot season tickets!

Update: lost 3-1 in front of 709 fans!

Wednesday, 24 October 2018

THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB v THE TOON *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '2:05pm bells' Thorsday 25th October 2018

"TRY AND FIND 3 TEAMS WORSE THAN US!"

'Rafa the Gaffa' came ooot with the above statement on Saturday after wor 5th home defeat 'in a row' against Brightin, but aall of us are wonderin' after a total of TEN winless games 'in a row' in Leegue and Cup, if there reeely ARE 3 worse teams than us, az we sit anchored to the foot of the table!

These are desperate times indeed after wor worst start in wor lang history, gannin back az far az the 19th century---and we will make the 'painful' 350 mile jorney to the south coast on Saturday, hopin against hope that wor luck will change!

With train strikes between London and Sooothampton, it will indeed be a 'painful' jorney with a skeleton rail service on offer!

We leave on the '5:26am bells' train from 'the Central' on Saturday mornin' and will arrive at wor destination 'at god naaz wot time'?

We have sold wor entire allocation of 2,450 ticket which iz actually 700 less than we were given last season!


A full Geordie Times match and booze report will appear here az per usual sometime on Sunday (train strikes permittin'!)

*Simon Templar woz a character in the 1960s cult TV series 'The Saint'!    
'The Simon Templar Mob'='The Saint'=Sooothampton's nickname---get it!?


*A Geordie Times archive report on mee forst ever visit to Sooothampton's old groond, 'The Dell' 49 years ago in 1969 and anothaa report from 1984 are featured in the next article below!

008 the dell southampton


(GROUND NUMBER 8)



Date of First Visit: 15th FEBRUARY 1969



THE DELL, SOUTHAMPTON



SOUTHAMPTON 0  NEWCASTLE UNITED 0



(OLD) DIVISION ONE---ATTENDANCE 22,213



"WHERE'S SIMON TEMPLAR!??"






This supporters club coach trip tih the sooth coast cost wih the princely sum of seventeen and six (aboot 82p!) and it took wih eleven hours tih get there! (that's reet, ELEVEN F***** hours!) 

Mee Skool mate, Keith Carrol, who was'nt even a futbaall fan?, said he fancied gannin', just for the adventure! and SOME! adventure it torned oot tih be!


Wi'd left the Haymarket in the Toon just after friday midneet, az yih had tee back then! (If yi'd left, say, at six in the mornin', yih would'nt have made the 'three bells' kick off!)



It was a hell of a journey, as the roads were'nt too clever in them days, and it seemed tih tek 'for ever' tih get there and after a couple of stops for some scran and the 'toolshed' etc., (nee bogs on the busses back then!) we arrived ootside 'The Dell' at 'eleven bells', totally 'cream crackered'!


The Toon fans piled off wor bus and straight intih the nearest boozer for the forst pints of the day, but me and Keith could'nt get in coz we were too young. (We had tih settle for the local 'Greasy Spoon' for a 'cuppa' and a 'bacon sarnee'!)


Soothampton of course played in the hated red 'n' white stripes of 'yee naa who'

The match was a battle of the Welsh namesakes, with Wyn Davies playin' for the Toon and Ron Davies playin' for the 'Saints'.



"THERE'S ONLY ONE SIMON TEMPLAR!"


As the teams came oot, the loadspeakers blasted oot 'The Saint' signature tune from the '60s' T.V. series, but!---(and tih my dismay!) there was nee sign of mee hero, Simon Templar!, (aka. Roger Moore) who was the 'superstar' of the hit telly show, and who used to appear in the openin' credits, where a white halo would 'miraculously materialize' above his heed, as he looked skywards!.

("Never mind!"--ah thought---"Mebees next time!?")



(N.B: This information is for the 'under 50s' only!)




Newcastle torned oot in their aall blue away strip and were by far the better team on the day. Toon number eight Arthur Horsfield looked the most likely tih score and a excellent shot from him was finger tipped ower the bar by 'Saints' keeper Gurr. 



Wyn Davies and 'Pop' Robson aalso went close for the 'Blues', but it was Gordon Hindson who missed the best chance of the match when he 'skyed' a simple chance from aboot six yards in the second half, and wih had tih settle for a point as the match ended in a goal-less draw.



The Toon should certainly have won and we definately had 'The Blues' as wih set off on wor lang trip yhem, which torned oot tih be pretty uneventful, which is in complete contrast tih mee visit there fifteen years later, when another coach trip, organised by 'one' 'Monty', included a neets stay in a cheap hotel (i.e. minus 'five stars'!) alang the sooth coast in Bournemouth.  

(Read on!)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Date of Revisit: 24th NOVEMBER 1984



SOUTHAMPTON 1  NEWCASTLE UNITED 0



(OLD) DIVISION ONE---ATTENDANCE 18,895






"WHO'S PINCHED THE BED OOT OF ROOM SEVENTEEN?!"






Originally, we were gannih gan tih Soothampton on a trip with nee owerneet stay, but we were let doon at the last minute when the bus waz cancelled!

(F***** great---eh!)

A’d hord through the grapevine that a Toon fan  who everybody naaz az  ‘Monty’ waz runnin’ a trip with an owerneet stay at a hotel in Bournemooth.

This sounded too good tih be true and waz reet up wor street, so ah waz straight on the ‘blower’ tih book some places for the lads.---But there WAZ a catch!


‘Monty’, (on the otha end of the ‘tellin’-bone’) “AYE!, aall get yiz on!, but there’s anly one problem!”

‘Me’: “What’s that—like?”

‘Monty’: “Wih have’nt booked a big enough bus, so some iv yiz I’ll have tih stand if yiz wonna gan!”

‘Me’: “Nee problem, Monty!---az lang az wiv somewhere tih kip for the neet, wih could’nt give a f***!”

‘Monty’: “OK!---yiz are on!---the bus leaves from ‘The Tanners’ (Arms) just ower the Byker bridge at midneet!” (Friday)


Az this was aalready five bells on the Friday neet wih had nee time tih loose, so ah got in touch wih the lads and hoyed a few ‘essentials’ intih an owerneet bag (mee ‘Toon top’, a pair of ‘under-keks’, (just in case ah farted ‘n’ ‘followed through’!) and a ‘six pack’!)

Ah then heeded for the Toon tih meet up wih the lads for the Friday neet session,

before heedin’ for ‘The Tanners’ and the lang jorney tih the sooth coast.


Az soon az ah gor on the bus ah could see that it waz full of ‘radgies’, ‘plonkies’ and ‘heedbangers’!, and ah could ‘sense’ that it waz gannih be an ‘eventful’ trip, tih say the least!

Like ah say!---there wornt enough seats tih gan roond, so ah just stood in the gangway while others opted tih climb intih the owerheed luggage racks, (not an ‘option’ for me, az ‘mee frame would’nt fit in’!) while ‘Piper’ corled up on the floor and tried tih gan tih kip!


This WAS’NT a good idea!, az the ‘gargel’ soon started tih get spilt and run doon the aisle, and,(worse still!) az the ‘tool-shed’ waz soon full tih owerflowin’, some ‘pissbrains’ decided tih lob their ‘secret weapons’? oot and get a piss in their empty cans, which iz’nt so eazy when the bus iz deein’ seventy doon the motorway!, and add the fact that by this time they aall had ‘double vision’, most of them ‘missed the target’ and ended up deein it on the floor!


Before lang the whole bus waz ‘awash’ with beer and piss and poor aad ‘Piper’ who waz ‘deep in the land of nod’ by nuw, (ZZZZzzzz!!!!) got ‘a wash’ that he did’nt expect!


Sometime later and after several stops tih empty the blocked ‘tool-shed’, (and wor bladders!) we arrived at wor destination in Bournemooth and hoyed wor bags intih the hotel. By this time mee poor aad ‘bacon ‘n’ eggs’ were achin’ with havin’ tih stand aall the way, but at least we were here and ah plonked meesel doon in bar, aall to ready for the forst ‘liquids’ of the day!

Then it waz off on the bus again in the direction of Soothampton and we stopped off in a little village aboot half way between the two places.


After a (canny!) few ‘gargels’ wih heeded back for the bus, but it was suroonded by the local ‘Dibble’?

Apparently!---somebody off the bus had decided tih dee a bit shoppin’ in the local ‘offy’, instead of gannin’ on the ‘razzle’?---BUT!---the anly trouble waz----they did’nt fancy payin’ for it!

Az he waz wearin’ a black ‘n’ white Toon tops, it did’nt tek a brain sorgin tih work oot that the ‘culprit’ must come from the bus with ‘Newcastle Upon Tyne’ written on the back!


At forst ah thought we were aall gannih get ‘collared’ and miss the match! (god forbid!) but common sense prevailed, and the goods were returned (unopened!) and we were allowed tih gan on wor way! (complete with a ‘blue light’ escort!)

(Phew!---it waz a ‘close call’---but yih aalways get ONE! Idiot tih spoil the party---divvint yih?)


Because we were nuw late because of the ‘hold up’, wih had tih mek a ‘beeline’ for the groond az soon az we got tih Soothampton and we (just!) made the kick off with anly seconds tih spare!


The Dell I’m afraid waz still the cramped dump that a’d frost visited back in 1969 and with nee room tih expand their hemmed in groond, it would surely be anly a matter of time before they moved tih ‘pastures new’ (am ah psychic or what?)


“THE MATCH!”

Tih cut a lang story short, the Toon lost this one, one-nowt, in a close fought game.

(There!---howz that for an ‘in-depth’ match report!?)


After the match wih headed back tih  Bournemooth tih droon wih sorrows!.

As soon as wih arrived wih made for the hotel for a quick wash ‘n’ brush up before gannin straight on the 'hoy'. Sometime later, after several gallons! of the local 'hooch', and some 'Desperate Dan' at the local 'Chingkeez', wih craalled back tih the hotel for a good neets 'shut eye'.



The next mornin' was pandemonium!.

One of the lads knocked on his mates room door, and pretended tih be the hotel manageress, by speakin' in a (very!) high pitched voice. "YOO HOO, BREAKFAST!", he caaled oot.



His mate answered back, "CHEERS PET!, AAL NOT BE A MINUTE!".



He 'hoyed his gear on', opened the door, and his mate, who was hidin' behind it!, threw a fire bucket full of waata aall ower him!.



He just stood there like a drooned rat!, with his hair and clothes, drippin' wet!. The whole room includin' the bed, was completely soaked!, and before lang 'aal hell broke loose!, with 'waata fights' gannin on aal ower the place!.



The second floor landin' carpet soon resembled a 'waaterlogged St. James' Park!', and what ah can anly describe as lookin' like 'Niagara Falls', (slight exaggeration!) was cascadin' doon the landin' stairs!.



The hotel manager, it has tih be said, was'nt ower pleezed! (slight understatement!) and he caaled the local 'Dibble' tih hoy us oot!  (ah would'nt iv minded, but ah was 'clammin', and ah had'nt even had mee f***** brekeez!)



Wih got on the coach and 'Monty' (who was lookin' a bit 'pissed off') took ahaad of the microphone at the front of the coach, an' blurted oot, "AALREET LADS!, WHO'S PINCHED THE BED OOT OF ROOM SEVENTEEN!?".



The bus was in uproar!--- ah meen!--- a'v heard of people thievin' towels, kettles and even portable tellys! oot of hotel rooms, but never a f*****' bed!. (It's not sommik that yih could hide up yih 'Toon top'!---is it?)



Apparently, some 'joker' had 'half inched' the bed oot of his mates room for a laugh, and had hid it in a 'bog' on the forst floor landin'!!. Just how he managed tih get the bed into the 'tool shed' is anybody's guess!??.



Anyway!-----the 'Dibble' eventually let us gan when they foond the missin' bed!, and we were given a police escort back tih the motorway by the Dorset Constabulary, who were glad tih see the back of us!. (So---nee doubt, was the hotel manager!)

                                       



And the moral of the story is:



NEVER!, EVER!, gan on a futbaal trip with a bunch of 'Radgies Gadgies' from Byker, Waalker or Waallsend!

---NOT! if yih want yih 'brekkeez' in the mornin', that is!!!. 



                                 

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