CALENDER YEAR TABLE PUTS TOON IN A CHAMPIONS LEEGUE PLACE!

 Posted '1:39pm bells' Tuesday 16th August 2022

"THE TIMES THEY ARE AA CHANGIN'!"

In the 2021 calender year when 'Broken Nose Bruce' woz wor manager, NUFC finished 91st oot of the 92 Futbaall Leegue clubs, 

for results!

  

In the 2022 calender year (so far!) we are 4th in The Premyaa Leegue table for results, thanx to Steady Eddie's remarkable transformation of NUFC!

"THE TIMES CERTAINLY ARE AA CHANGIN'!"

NEE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTIN 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2022-2023

 Posted from 'high noon 🔔 bells' onwards, Sunday 14th August 2022 on the way back!

Match report on mobile telling bone!

"EVER DECREASING CIRCLES!"

Coz of the train strike on Saturday we were forced to change wor plans and travel doon on the Friday and stop in Leatherhead, just off the M25 motorway!

We got there (by train) at '9:00pm bells' and spent the next hour, walking roond in circles tryin to find wor Travel Lodge Hotel!

We passed it 3 times withoot realising az there woz just a smaall sign on the side of the buildin'!(We must get wor 'mincers' tested!) (Mincers=mince pies= 👀 !)

Anyway!--we dumped wor bags and heeded for local boozers, which were 'dead', before retiring for and good nights 😴 sleep!

Next day 'Sarnie Steve' picked us up in hiz 'jam jar'  (he woz working in Reading) and took us to Lewes where we were spending wor 2nd night away!(A 10 mins train ride to The Amex Stadium)(South West Trains wornt on strike!)

A few liquid lubrications later and it woz time to heed for the match! 

The temperature woz in mid 30s az the game kicked off!

The Toon were in wor 'one off!' 4th light blue strip az wor othaa 3 strips 'clashed' with Brightin's blue n white stripes!

It woz obvious from the 'off' that Brightin wanted the 3 points and they missed several good chances to take lead, but were thwarted by 'The Pope' in The Toon goal and Kieran Trippier who cleared a shot of the goal line!

NUFC simply couldnt get oot of 'the blocks' and struggled in the searin heat, az we attacked the far goal from us in the forst half!

Callum Wilson DID score a legitimate goal, but it woz chalked off for high kickin, even though he wozint close to a Brightin defender!?

Again in the 2nd period we struggled and just couldn't get gannin az the home side again missed some good chances to open the scorin!

We DID have a few chances near the end , but couldnt find the back of the net, and the game ended goalless!(Wor 1st goalless draw for 50 Prem games!)

PS: Cannit fink of any previous game where the temperature woz so high!

Attendance: 31,552 (3,100 Toon fans)

After the match we stayed behind to have a few liquid lubrications in the 'away' and then 'home' bars in the concourses, to let the queues for the trains back to Lewes  die doon!

We heeded for the train an hour after the end of the game, BUT there were still big queues for the trains back to Brightin and Lewes!  We had to queue for half an hour before boarding the train back to Lewes!

It's a nice stadium in the middle of nee where ! Hence wor name for them  'Nee Where Near Brightin'!

BRIGHTIN PUB CRAWL REPORT

LEATHERHEAD (Night before game)

001: THE EDMUND FYTNEY

 

002: THE PENNY BLACK

LEWES (Before game)

003: THE BREWERS ARMS

AMEX STADIUM (After game)

004: AWAY END BAR

005: HOME END BAR!

LEWES (After game)

006:THE VOLUNTEER 

007 RIGHTS OF MAN

008: JOHN HARVEY TAVERN

FOOTNOTE:

The 350 mile jorney yem in Sarnie Steve's 'jam jam' woz NOT uneventful!

Forst of aall we had to torn aroond on the outskirts of London, az we didnt want to enter the London emission zone coz Steve's car has a diesel engine (£100 fine for high emission vehicles!)---and then got stuck in a massive traffic jam on the notorious M25!---Then, when we needed to gan to a motorway service station for some scran and a 'gypsy's kiss', we got caught in another traffic jam inside the services!

Then there were 2 accidents on the A1M in north Yorkshire, which shut the motorway, so we had to divert via York and the A19!

We'd left Lewes at '10:15am bells', but didnt get back to Tyneside til '6:45pm bells'---a torturous jorney of 8 and a half hours coz of the train strike! (Even though there were trains runnin on Sunday, we hord that it would be chaos to get back az the trains would be in the wrang place, coz of the strike on Saturday!)  So back by road we came! (The 350 mile jorney torned oot to be nearer 400 coz of the diversions!)

THE JOYS OF FOLLOWIN' THE TOON AWAY!

NEE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTIN v THE TOON **** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 12th August 2022

Updated '2:00pm bells' Saturday

We heed for the south coast for wor forst Premyaa Leegue away game tomorrow (or shud that be six miles from the coast in the middle of nee where?) at The Amex Stadium in Falmer, which iz "nee where near Brightin" (hence wor name for them!)

A complete contract to wor city centre groond in 'NE 1' where we played and beat 'The Friar Tuck Mob of Nottingham' last Saturday!

With a train strike due on Saturday, we have nee choice but to gan the day before and come back the day after the game!

WE are basin' worsels in Lewes on the train line to the stadium and IF? nee trains are runnin at aall, we will have to catch a bus there instead! (wot a carry on!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match and boozer report will appear here sometime on Sunday on mee mobile 'tellin bone' on the way back!

Expect plenty of misstayks az its not easy to dee reports on a little phone, on the move!

Az per usual: "Watch this sspace!"     *

Updated '2:00pm bells' Saturday when we find team line ups! *below!

LEEEGUE CUP 2nd ROOND DRAW TOOONEEET!

 Posted '12:22pm bells' Wedinzday 10th August 2022

WOR DREAM DRAW----FLEETWOOD TOON'S HIGHBURY GROOND!

"COME IN NUMBER 14!" (The Toon's baall number in the draw!)

The draw for the 2nd roond of the Leegue Cup Northern section takes place toooneeet and the anly team left in the Northern section draw that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have never been tee, iz Fleetwood Toon, who won 1-0 v Wigan last neet!

That's the tie we would love IF we are drawn away! (Fleetwood are baall number 8!)

A home draw would of course be preferable and the tie will be played in the last mid week of August!

The draw iz due to take place after the Sheff Wed v SMBs tie at Hillsborough aroond aboot the '10:00pm bells' mark!

The Geordie Times will of course bring you news az soon az we can

(Won't be til at least '2:00am bells' coz aa will be drivin back from Redditch in mee truck, when the draw iz made!)

Remember! The Geordie Times brings yoo the news forst hand , second (OR, iz that second hand, forst?)😕

Posted '2:31am 🔔 bells' Thorzday

It's TRANMERE ROVERS AWAY! (This groond woz mee 100th watchin The Toon in the old Division 2 in 1991)

A GOD A JESUS AND NOW A POPE!

 Posted '4:00pm🔔bells' Tuesday 9th August 2022

A  GOD!

JESUS!

THE POPE!

 

With the home debut of Nick Pope on Saturday, NUFC now have a unique treble in forms of religious figureheads who have played for us!

First we had a GOD when striker Paul Goddard played for NUFC between 1986 and 1988 and he did indeed have a GOD like status amongst Toon fans, az he scored a total of 23 goals for us in 70 appearances AND he saved us from relegation in 1987 with a flurry of strikes!

And then we had a 'Jesus' not so long ago by the name of Jesus Gamez who in total anly made 10 appearances between 2016-2018 (4 az sub) Hiz anly goal came in a pre season friendly away to Mainz 05 of Jawmany witnessed by The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers! 

And now of course we have 'The Pope' in goal!

Aall we need now iz an angel!---although there IZ ONE aboot 4 miles south of SJP in the shape of The Gatesheed Angel next to the A1!

NO GO FOR JONJO!

 Posted '2:00 pm bells' Tuesday 9th August 2022

"IS THAT BOXIN' DAY IN THE DISTANCE?"

News reaches The Geordie Times 2 days late (az per usual!) that Jonjo Shelvey will be sidelined for a t least 12 weeks with a bad hamstring injury he picked up in Portugal v Benfica!

This meeenz that he iz unlikely to feature until Boxin' Day, with The World Cup break startin in November!

CONSPIRACY THEORIES!

 Posted '1:13pm🔔 bells' Friday 5th August 2022

Updated 'high noon bells' Tuesday 9th August

For the 2nd time in a row, wor U21s away game v West Brom haz been moved at short notice from Keys Park, Hednesford, to WBAs trainin groond in Walsall, next Munday neet!

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' were due to gan, but az we have been to their training groond twice, we will have to 'bin it' az its behind closed doors now, anyway!

This iz devastatin news of course, az we still havvint been to Hednesford to watch The Toon!

Conspiracy theories abound that WBA manager Steve 'Broken Nose' Bruce, got wind that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' had planned to gan, so he moved the game at short notice to get some revenge on us, for aall the abuse he received from Toon fans on social media, (which he doesn't read!) when aall games were played behind closed doors, when he woz wor failed manager, when the Covid pandemic struck!

To make sure that we couldn't gan to their trainin groond eethaa, he (allegedly!) ordered that the U21s game should be spectator free to stop us gannin!

That's anothaa days holiday booked from work for Munday, which aa divvint need anymore!

Cheers Steve! (Here's hopin' yoo fail miserably this season!)

Updated Tuesday:

The Toon U21s lost 2-1 at The Palm Trainin groond despite gannin aheed in the 68th minute through teen Michael Ndweni. WBA came back and scored 2 goals in the 87th and 89th minute through Reyes Clerary to win the tie for The Baggie Troosers!

Az mentioned above, nee fans were allowed in!

DOON MEMORY LANE!

 Posted '7:30pm bells' Munday 8th August 2022

DENS PARK DUNDEE, AZ IT LOOKED IN 1988 (DUNDEE UTD GROOND ON RIGHT)

On this day 34 years ago NUFC played a friendly at Dundee FC--- the same day that The Dutchess of Pork dropped a sprog!   Match report on this game below!

086 dens park dundee

(GROUND NUMBER 86)

Date of First Visit: 8th AUGUST 1988
DENS PARK, DUNDEE

DUNDEE 2
NEWCASTLE UNITED 0

THE DUNCLAIRE DISPENSERS CHALLENGE TROPHY! (Honest!)

ATTENDANCE 4,820 (1,000 Toon fans)


"IT'S A GIRL!"-----"IT'S A GIRL!"----"IT'S A GIRL!"

Meesel and 'Sensible Tony' went tih 'this one' in mee 'jam jar' and the 'plan' was tih get some digs in Dundee and so that ah could have a 'good gargel' before (and after!) the match before drivin' back the next day.
The drive up tih 'Crocodile Country' (work it oot!) via the Forth and Tay bridges took aboot fower hours and az wih parked up in the centre of Dundee ah noticed that mee trip switch on mee mileometer had clocked up 188 miles. And as the match was bein' played on the 8^th of the 8^th—'88' aa had visions of wih winnin' by 8 goals!

Wih foond some digs straight away, not far from the train station where a'd left mee 'jalopy' (in the car park---NOT! on the platform!) and the manager, who was the forst porson that wi'd spoken tee telt wih that he came from JARROW of aall places!, which tih be honest was a (wee!) bit dissapointin', az wi'd expected tih be greeted by some 'Jock' shootin', "OCH AYE THE NOO JIMMY!", and NOT!, "WHERE ARE YEEZ FROM, LIKE?", which was his actual response tih wor accents!.

(Aaltogether nuw---"MY NAME IZ GEORDIE MACINTYRE!"----"AND THE BAIRNS DON'T EVEN HAVE A FIRE!")
(ER!---mebeez not---crap f***** song!)

Anyway!---wih plonked wor bags doon, had a quick wash 'n' brush up', and heeded for the nearest 'waaterin' hole' come restaurant which was very handily placed just ower the road.
Az well az bein' very thorsty we were 'Hank Marvin' az well, so wih ordered a very nice 'T' bone steak with aall the trimmins tih wash the 'Arthur Scargills' doon! (az yih de!) and aa have ti say that it was the best 'Desperate Dan' a'd ever had and we were very bloated (ti say the least!) as we made for the exit. (very appropriate as 'Desperate Dan' comes from Dundee!)


After a 'toby' aroond the bars in the afternoon wih decided tih heed for the groond which iz in Tannadice Street.
If yih naa anythin' aboot futbaall, yill naa that Dundee United AALSO! play in Tannadice Street, within a hundred yards 'hocklin' distance' infact!
It's a weird situation when yih forst see it for yihsel az yih waalk up the hill towards the groond(s)!, Tannadice Park iz on the reet and Dens Park iz slap bang in front of yih.



"YI CANNIT GET MUCH CLOSER THAN THIS!---LIKE!"

It's hard tih imagine the Toon and
the mackems playin' in the same street!----infact it's the ULTIMATE
'room 101' nightmare senario!-----FULL F***** STOP........!
There was a booza up the hill in between the groonds so that's where wih heeded and bumped intih some aad drinkin' aquaintences from the Toon. ('Nutty Norman', 'Budgie', etc. etc.!)




"THE FOG ON THE TAY IS ON IT'S WAY!"

 Soon it was time tih gan tih the match and az we approached the groond thick fog started rollin' in from the 'Tay'.
Toon manager Willie McFaul had been spendin' heavily in the pre season transfer market and amongst his recruits were Wimbledon hero Dave Beasant who'd saved the forst ever penalty in the 1988 FA Cup against red hot Liverpool tih ultimately help them win the cup and his team mate midfielder Andy Thorn. (These were the final pieces of McFauls 'jigsaw' tih win the League title for the Toon. (so we were telt!---see 'footnote')


'Sensible Tony' had managed tih cadge a couple of complimentary 'bat 'n' wickets' off one of the players and we took up wor positions in the main stand az kick off time approached.
It was a weird 'L' shaped wooden structure which looked like it had been built in the 'dark ages' (ie: pre World War One!) and it sat 'astride' of the half way line.
It was with great antisipation that we kicked off for az far az the Toon were concerned as this (as mentioned!) was supposed to be the 'dawnin' of wor new era' and Dundee were mere 'cannon foder' in this pre season waam up! (Again!---read on!) (OR! perhaps---divvint!)


It did'nt tek lang for wor 'title dreams' tih be shattered when Dundee took the lead afta a dreadful mix up in the Toon's new defence (canny start!) and the thoosand or so 'diehards' in the open away end got that feelin' of 'da va ju' once again!
(In otha words---"WIV SEEN IT AALL BEFORE!")
Surely it could'nt get any worse??---DIVVINT YEE BET!---IT DID!, when 'The Taysiders' got a second az the fog totally enveloped the pitch.
It was at this juncture that ah wished that the 'Tayside Mist' would de wih aall a big favour and get the match abandoned, but az it was anly a friendly the ref decided that the game could continue till the bitter end! (mee 8 goal 'dream' was certainly in tatters!)
By full time yih could hardly see owt anyway, which!---was just az well in the circumstances and things did'nt bode well for the forthcomin' League opener away tih Everton.
O.K.---this was just a daft friendly with nowt tih play for, but sommik in 'mee bones' telt iz that it was NOT! gannih be wor season!


From there wih went from bar tih bar until it was 'chuckin oot time' and then to a night club just up the road from wor digs.
'Sensible Tony', who was canny sorved by nuw said sommik to a fat ugly 'boiler' who was with hor bloke, az we were tryin' tih get in.
It was'nt very complimentary with 'words' bein' exchanged and it then torned oot that shih knew aall the 'Desperate Dan' size booncers on the door az well! (it must have been a rough dive as there were three of them!)
It was time tih make 'A Sharp' exit!, so ah dragged Tony away just before he was aboot to 'smack' a booncer, as aall hell would have been let loose and aa didn't fancy spendin' a neet in eetha the local 'nick', or!--- in the worst case scenario!---'Dundee Royal Infirmary' with a 'broken bugle'! instead of 'Jarrow Boys' digs! (he's NOT! caalled 'Sensible Tony' for nothin'!)
We then 'staggered' back in the thick fog and somehow managed to find wor digs for some much needed kip-----"ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!"




"THE DUCHESS OF PORK---AND AALL THAT!"


Next day the fog had completelee disappeared and brilliant sunshine greeted us as we we opened the bedroom curtains and afta 'brekkies' we were off on the retorn jorney back to Tyneside.
There was ne bypass for Edinburgh in them days and so we had ne choice but to drive back through the Scottish capital
Az we were drivin' through the 'Leith' part of Edinburgh, listenin' tih the music on Radio Scotland (NOT! Andy Stewert by the way!) the programme waz suddenly interupted by a news-flash from England.
"We interupt this programme to give you some joyous news!", the announcer said in an excited voice!--- "Buckingham Palace are
delighted to report that The Duchess of Pork' haz dropped a sprog!" (or words to that effect!?) "It's a girl and she waz born
yesterday!"


We were stationary at some traffic lights at the time and next to a bus stop full of waitin' passengers, when 'Sensible Tony' who was wearin' just his Newcastle Broon Ale boxer shorts because of the hot weather, opened the car door---jumped oot wavin' his arms aboot and started shoutin' at the top of his voice: "IT'S A GIRL!---IT'S A GIRL!---IT'S A GIRL!", towards the startled passengers who must of thought he'd just escaped from the 'Edinburgh and District Loonatic Asylum'!
The lights then changed to green and aa shouted, "Tony!—get back in the f*****' car!, quick!, the lights have changed!", and he jumped back in!
As aa looked through the rear view mirror aa could see them at the bus stop, aall lookin' in total amazement and bewilderment as we sped off doon the road!------IT WAS CLASSIC MAAN!—CLASSIC! (a moment in time aa'll NEVA EVER forget!)






Footnote: We lost the League opener at Everton by 4-0 and instead of winnin' the League we were relegated at the end of the season! (like aa say "WIV SEEN IT AALL BEFORE!!!")






Geordie Glossary of Terms and Phrases (for the benefit of 'non Geordie' readers) (in the order that they appear)


Meesel=myself
Jam jar=car
Gargle=beer
Yeez=you two
Mebeez=maybe's
Waaterin' hole=pub
Hank Marvin=starving ('Hank' was a Geordie member of 1960's pop group 'The Shadows')
Arthur Scargills=gargles=beers ('Arthur' was the miners leader in the 1970's)
Desperate Dan=scran=food ('Dan' appears in the 'Beano' comic which is printed in Dundee) (or was it the 'Dandy'?)
Toby=wander
Yill=you will
Naa=no
Hocklin' distance=spitting distance
Booza=pub
Telt=told
Bat 'n' wicket=ticket
Wor=our
Tek=take
Sommik=something
Wiv=we have
Mee=my
Broken bugle=broken nose
Brekkies=breakfast
Sprog=baby 

Footnote: Sadly we hear that one of the Toon fans briefly mentioned in the story caalled 'Budgie' , passed away last week!

R.I.P. BUDGIE




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

THE TOON 2 THE FRIAR TUCK MOB OF NOTTINGHAM 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2022-2023

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 7th August 2022

"WELCOME TO THE PREMYAA!"

Wor forst Premyaa Leegue game of the season torned oot to be a very one sided affair az NUFC attacked The Gallowgate goal in the forst half! It woz relentless az we missed chance after chance durin this half against a p*ss poor Forest side, who have foond oot straight away that The Premyaa Leegue standard iz a lang lang way above The Championship! (The fact that former Toon failure Jack Colback woz in the Forest team, told me that they wornt very good from 'the off'!)

The 2nd half woz the same az we pounded The Leazes goal this time and finally (finally!) we made the breakthrough in the 58th minute when out of the blue, centre back Fabian Schar raced doon the East Stand side of the pitch and hit an unstoppable piledriver past the hapless Forest keeper Dean Henderson!

It woz aall ower bar the shoutin' 20 mins later when Joelinton sent a cross in from The Milburn Stand side of the groond and Callum Wilson woz there to flick the baall into the corner of the net to secure the 3 points!

A great start to the season and in complete contrast to the start of last season when we conceded 4 goals at home to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham!----In total we had 23 shots on goal----more than Broken Nose Bruce's side had in hiz final 8 Prem games in charge!

Things are definitely lookin' up!   

PS:When the score woz still 0-0

in the 2nd half their goalie woz time wastin', so Callum Wilson nicked hiz water bottle and emptied the contents onto the grass behind the goal!--Replacin' the empty bottle, where Dean Henderson had left it! "CLASS!"🤣

*Attendance:52,245 (3,209 Friar Tucks!) (Friar Tuck=Robin Hood= Nottingham! (get it?)

FRIAR TUCK!