SPORZ 1 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2022-2023

 Posted on the '10:00pm bells' train back from London, Sunday 23rd Octobaa 2022 on mee mobile 'telling bone' and updated on Munday and Tuesday on mee laptop

"DANCIN' AND SINGIN' IN THE RAIN!"

This iz a great day for everybody connected with NUFC az this iz the day that we have cemented wor place back in the upper reaches of The Premyaa Leegue after many years in the wilderness at the wrang end of the table in relegation scraps!

Callum Wilson opened the scorin in the 31st minute when he clashed with Sporz goalie Lloris ootside the box and he lobbed the baall into the net with the keeper lyin poleaxed on the groond!  VAR conformed the goal woz OK after protests from Sporz players!

Miggy Almiron doubled wor lead 9 minutes later when he took a pass from Longstaff and roond a home defender to double wor lead and we went in 2-0 UP at the break!

Durin the half time interval the sky torned grey and black and thunder and lightning lit up the heavens!

Aall of a sudden it started to pelt doon with torrential rain of biblical propotions, az the wind blew it into the stands!

Within seconds we were drenched to the bone and aall of a sudden 100s made for the shelter of the concourses! (Put it this way! If a'd jumped into the river Tyne fully clothed aa couldn't have been any wetter and aa half expected Noah's Ark appear on the pitch at any time!) 🠜Slight exaggeration!  

Mee so caalled waterproof jacket woz soaked through az woz mee jeans and boxer shorts!  I woz in row 15 and made mee way to the very back row of the away section to try a keep dry!  A billion pound stadium where at least 30,000 of the 60,000 plus crowd got a good drenching! (The worst and heaviest downpour at a match av ever known!)

The fear woz that if the rain kept falling so heavily that the pitch wud become waterlogged and the match abandoned!

Thankfully the rain eased off and the 2nd half started!

Harry Kane pulled one back in the 54th minute, but instead of defendin' we stayed on the attack to try and score another, rather than 'parkin the bus'!

The 'new' Newcasil have come a lang way in the last 12 months!

The win lifts us up to a Champions Leegue position in 4th place az soaken fans and players danced and celebrated wildly at the end of the match!

"Dancin' and singin' in the rain!"

Just one undeserved defeat at Livaapoool oot of 13 played (12 Premyaa Leegue, 1 Leegue Cup) make very impressive reading for the new regime! 

We won't single any particular player oot for praise---they were aall outstandin'!

*Attendance:61,726 (30,000 rather wet fans!)

THE TOON ARE BACK! YOU'D BETTER BELEEEVE IT!

   WOT THE PAPERS SAY

SPORZ v THE TOON *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

 Posted '9:30 am 🔔 bells' on train to King's Cross, Saturday 22nd Octobaa 2022

LAST TIME WE WERE HERE LAST SEASON--A SHATTERIN' 5-1 DEFEAT!

"SKY TELLY AND RAIL WORKERS COULD'NT GIVE A SHIT ABOOT FUTBAALL FANS!"

We are off on wor travels a day orly for the game at Sporz az we booked the 9am bells train to King's Cross for the 5:30 bells kick off today, which had been changed for live telly from the '3bells kick off!

After we booked trains and an hotel for the Saturday neet---guess wot?  The b*stards changed it again to a 4:30 bells kick off on the SUNDAY!

SO!---instead of watchin the match on Saturday and stayin owerneet to travel back at 2pm bells' on Sunday, we are now gannin doon today and stoppin owerneet for the game TOMORROW! (wot a carry on!)

We've had to change the train back coz it left BEFORE the new kick off time, and are now catchin the '10bells' train back on Sundat neet!

On top of THAT we foond oot orlier this week that there iz anothaa train strike on the weekend we play Sooothampton away, makin the train 'no go', so we have to travel by road there and back!!! (700miles roond trip!)

The THORD time a train strike haz effected us this season in lang distance games! (Brightin away (700 miles roond trip), Fulim away (600 miles roond trip) and now Sooothampton away!) (No one likes us---they don't care!)

PS: We are due to arrive at King's Cross at 'high noon bells' today ---TWENTY EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS BEFORE KICK OFF!  (Looks like a very lang 'pub crawl' today and tomorrow!!!)

Will dee match report on Munday sometime!  Az per usual!-------

 "Watch this space!"

*

THE TOON 1 THE TOFFEE NOSES 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2022-2023

 Posted 'just after high noon bells' Thorzday 20th Octobaa 2022

Not the best game yill evaa see, but the goal that won it WOZ one of the best yoo WILL evaa see! 

MIGGY'S GOAL, 'LITTLE ARMS' CANNIT REACH THE BAALL!

Miggy Almiron scored it in the 30th minute, when 2 passes across the park from Brazilians Joelinton and Bruno foond the Paraguayan and he hit a sweet left footer from 25 yards oot, ower the heed of 'little arms' Pickford the mackem we love to hate, to score the anly goal of the game at The Leazes End!

It shud have been many more az we pounded the Evaatin goal in the forst half, but had to settle for the one goal lead at the break!

Evaatin to be honest were p*ss poor and in total had just ONE shot in the entire game, compared to 16 from The Toon!

The 2nd half woznt az good, but the 3 points are aall that matters az we gan from strength to strength!

The win keeps us in 6th place in the table with just one (undesorved) defeat in the 12 games we have played so far this season! (11 Leegue, 1 Leegue Cup)

It shud be noted that on this day one year ago a certain failed manager woz sacked by NUFC, when we were rock bottom of the table with nee wins and just 5 points, to be replaced by Steady Eddie who haz done a MAGnificent job since last November when he took the reigns! (NUFC have 18 points under Eddie so far!)

Attendance: 52,204  (3,000 Toffee Noses at the start of the game and 1,500 at the end of the game!)

🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖

CAN YOO SPOT THE DINOSAUR IN 

THE GALLOWGATE END?

   WOT THE PAPERS SAY!

THE TOON V THE TOFFEE NOSES*** TOONEET

 Posted just after 'high noon 🔔 bells' Wedinzday 19th Octobaa 2022

TOON FANS SHOW THEIR LOYALTY TO THE CROWN OOTSIDE THE STRAWBERRY CORNER

Tooneet at '7:30 bells' we face Evaatin at SJP in wor forst midweek Premyaa Leegue game of the season!

Saint Max and Alexander are both oot, but the rest shud be fit and rearing to gan!

A full Geordie Times match report will be forthcomin tomorrow! Az per usual

"Watch this space!"

MOAN U MUPPETEERS 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2022-2023

 Posted  from 'high noon bells' onwards, Munday 17th Octobaa 2022

THE TOON ARE IN WOR WHITE AND GREEN CHANGE STRIP

"A GAME THAT WE SHUD HAVE WON, WHICH WE NEARLY LOST!"

*For the forst time in many a long year we had faith that we could grap aall 3 points at 'The Theatre of Muppets'!

Indeed we started off on the front foot az we attacked the East Stand (formerly The Scoreboard End) where the 3,000 Toon fans were housed.

VIEW FROM EAST STAND TIER 1 UPPER, ROW 3

The best chance came in the 25th minute when a free kick from Trippier near the edge of the box rebounded to him and he sent a lob into the box and Joelinton heeded it onto the bar!---It rebounded to him and hiz second heeder smashed off the post and into touch! 

Callum Wilson woz then squashed by 2 of their defenders in the box for a clear penalty, but the ref waved 'play on' and it didn't even gan to VAR (an absolute disgrace!) Hiz shirt woz aalso tugged on anothaa occasion in the box, but again nowt woz given???

HT 0-0

The second half woz more Moan U az they attacked 'wor end' and at the death they had 2 chances to score when Fred missed an open goal and an unmarked Rashford somehow missed the goal with a heeder from close in! (thank the Lord!)

Before that, Ronaldo woz booked for moanin' after he took the baall off Nick Pope before a free kick to us woz taken!---Schar had rolled the baall back to Pope to take the kick---Ronaldo claimed that because Schar had rolled the baall back to Pope that the kick had actually been taken, when it woz not!  He waved hiz arms aboot like a 5 year old and woz rightly shown the yellow card by the ref for protestin'! (He's 37!)

He aalso moaned and shook hiz heed in disbelief when he woz substituted by Rashford late on! (Moanaldo perhaps?) 

Fernandes aalso constantly moaned at the ref for the full 90 minutes!

That iz the reason we caall them Moan United!

FT 0-0

Attendance: 73,726 (3,000 Toon fans--70,736 muppets!)

For the forst time ever the Moan U fans never sang the, "Cheer up Alan Shearer, sad Geordie b*****d", song!

It woz aalso the quietest av ever known since mee forst Toon game here in the orly 1970s! 

The Toon fans az per usual were in 'full voice'! 

THE VIEW OF A VETERAN MOAN U FAN ON THE BBC MESSAGE BOARD!

The pre match gargels took place here in Salford Quays near both the BBC and ITV studios! (Moan U aalso play in Salford which iz a 20 minute walk from there)

And an hour before kick off, some Toon fan are aalready in their seats! (Or shud we say 'standin' places'?)

THE THEATRE OF MUPPETEERS V THE TOON *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 16th Octobaa 2022

                     "WELCOME TO OLD TRAFFORD!"

At the time of writin this in the back of Sarnie Steve's 'jam jar  we have arrived in Manchester for wor game against Moan U at The Theatre of Muppets!

The Bad news iz that Saint Max iz injured again and will miss the game az will record signin Alexander the Great who iz still recoverin' from a bad knock!

The good news iz the rest of the team are fit and rearing to gan!  For once we can gan here and expect a good result (hopefully!)

A full Geordie Times match (and booze!) report will appear here sometime tomorrow! Az per usual, "Watch this space!"

358 bodymoor heath (v villa u21s)

Ground number 358

Date of First Visit: 14th October 2022

Bodymoor Heath, near Tamworth

Aston Villa U21s  1

Newcastle United U21s  2 (Joe White, Josh Scott)

Premier League 2 Division 2

Attendance: (Estimated) 300 'bodies' at Bodymoor! (sic!) (3 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers) *(Us 2 plus Niall from nufc.com)

*

 "E' TICKET ECSTACY!"

*The trouble aa had to get an 'E' ticket for this game woz unbelievable!

It woz an aall ticket game and the anly way to get any woz to phone up or gan on line!  On-line woz a nightmare and aa tried unsuccessfully for half an hour to purchase one! (I won't gan into details az yoo might faall asleep---"ZZZZzzzz!!!!")

SO!--a phone caall to the Aston Villa ticket office woz the anly othaa way!  Aa phoned up and a voice message told me the ticket office woz closed and to phone back between '10am bells' and '1:30pm bells'

Aa'd made the phone caall at '11:15am bells'!  Az far az I'm aware 11:15am iz between 10am and 1:30pm?   After several more attempts with the same outcome aa phoned 'Glennn from Ashington' up and he told me to phone the main switch board, which aa did!

After a 5 minute wait a lassie finally answered and aa told hor mee problems tryin' to get through to the ticket office. She put me through and guess wot???-----A voice message told me to phone between 10am and 1:30pm!   "AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!" 

Anothaa 'desperate' phone caall to Glennn then followed and he tried for ages to get me a ticket on line---and BINGO!----after half an hour he eventually succeeded and got me one! "HHORRRAYYY!" (Hope yoo havvint faallen asleep yet?)

Honestly yoo wud have thought aa woz tryin to buy an FA Cup final ticket and not a ticket for a daft resorve game! 

ANYWAY!---- It woz match day and off we set from Tyneside in mee 'Canny Tranny' and arrived at Bodymoor Heath trainin' groond some 3 and a half hours later! (That's me and Glennn)

We parked up and went into the groond which had a smaall main stand and a snack bar beside it!  

*A cup of tea at £2.80, hot dogs at £6.50 and pie and chips at £8.30 made this extortionately priced snack bar 'a no go area' for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'! (Aall 2 of us!)

The game kicked off in torrential rain and Villa went on the attack straight away!----However we eventually got into wor stride and Jay Turner Cooke rattled the Villa bar to send the home side a warnin sign in the 18th minute! 

 And so it 'came to pass' when NUFC who took the lead 5 minutes later, when a pinpoint cross from Matty Bondswell foond Joe White and he fired the baall into the net from 20 yards oot for a glorious effort, to muted applause from us! (We couldnt see any othaa Toon fans, which iz hardly suprizin' considerin the hassle it woz to get tickets--but we knew that Naill from NUFC.com woz there az well, even though we couldnt see him anywhere?) 

Villa equalised deep into forst half stoppage time through Shakpoke with a scrambled effort---and so it woz aall square at the break!

We retook the lead on the hour mark through Josh Scott who hit a shot from close in----Despite massive Villa pressure and time wastin from us (2 Toon players booked for this) we held on for the 3 points and a 2-1 victory!   

After a fower hour drive back, via the M42, M1, A1 and the Tyne Tunnel, aa dropped Glennn from Ashington off in Ashington (where else?) before heedin back to mee Tyneside abode at 1:00am bells' and 410 miles on the trip meter!

The diesel 'used' came to an eye waaterin £100, which meant that it cost us fifty quid each to gan to this game! (Plus the £5 E tickets!)

Woz it worth it?   AYE!--an away win and anothaa new groond to add to the list!

"WE WOZ THERE!" (The proof!)

*

A 'PRIZED' 'E' TICKET!

*

*FINK (The mad-sad groundhopper!--358 and coontin'!)

THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS ARE ON THE ROAD AGAIN

 Posted just after 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 12th Octobaa 2022

THE MAIN STAND AT BODYMOOR HEATH

Friday sees 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' off on wor travels again, az we heed for Bodymoor Heath near Tamworth, where wor U21s are playin Villa U21s in a Premyaa Leegue 2 fixture at '6:00 bells'!

Its an aall ticket game and aa had to apply on Villa's website az it woz impossible to get through to their ticket office on the phone!

The voice message said "The ticket office is open between 10 am and 1pm!" It woz '11:15 am bells' when aa phoned up and they told me that and cut me off!!!

After several attempts, aa gave up and phoned the main number, which rang for 5 minutes before a lass eventually answered and said she wud put me through to the ticket office, which told me (aye!--yiv guessed it!) to phone between 10am and 1pm! (Az far az I'm aware 11:15am iz between these 2 times???)

After many (many!) more attempts online aa woz finally successful ("HORRAY!") and got a 'prized'? 'E ticket' for the princely sum of £5 

Honest!-- yi wud have thought aa woz after an FA Cup final ticket and not a ticket for a daft resorve game!

For that reason alone, anly a handful of Toon fans will be there, az they probably 'gave up' in frustration! (Like aa nearly did!)

It shud be noted that nee tickets will be available on the day and that neebody will be admitted withoot an 'E ticket'! 

A match report on that game will appear here sometime ower the weekend!  Az per usual "Watch this space!"

BIG NEIL SUPER FAN RIP

 Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 10th Octobaa 2022

ONE OF BIG NEIL'S BRAND NEW TRUCKS WITH A STUNNIN' TRIBUTE TO NUFC!  

IT COST HIM THOOSANDS TO GET THE AIR BRUSH ARTWORK ON THE CAB!

We are sad to announce that an old mate of wors and massive Toon fan caalled Big Neil haz passed away! Neil owned a vendin' business on the Team Valley in Gatesheed and a fleet of trucks and vans!

I worked for him when The Toon were in Europe a few years ago!

I drove one of hiz trucks with the NUFC crest on both sides, but needed 3 days off at a time to gan to the away games in many obscure places abroad!

One day Big Neil said to me: "Fink, I cannit run the job aroond NUFC games! It's the job or NUFC!"

I chose NUFC!

RIP BIG LAD!

 

THE TOON 5 BRENTFAAD 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2022-2023

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 9th Octobaa 2022

⅚

The flags celebratin' the 1st annivorsary of the takeover-' slaaggin off The Fat Controller and Talk Sport who said the takeover woz :"Dead in the water!"

"ONE NIL DOON----TWO NIL UP!"

A virtuoso  (we naa aall the big words!) performance from NUFC saw a 5 goal thrashin to sting The Bees from Brentfaad (sic!) at SJP yesterday afternooon!

It started off badly az we went behind in the 10th minute (or so we thought) until a VAR decision ruled Mbeumo's goal oot for offside to loud cheers from the Toon fans and dispair for the travellin Brentfaad fans!

The 'real' goal sequences were az follows:

21st minute: Bruno sends a bullet heeder off the far post at The Leazes End from a Trippier cross to open the scorin'!

28th minute: Callum Wilson intercepts a mistayk by a Brentford defender to cross the baall to Jacob Murphy for an easy sidefoot shot into the back of the net! 2-0 

This promted some fans behind me to sing: "One nil doon, two nil up!" (if that makes sense?)

2-0 HT UP!

53rd minute: A hand baall by Dan Burn in the box gives Brentfaad a penalty which woz taken by ex Toon player Ivan Toney, who sent Nick Pope in the Toon goal the wrang way to pull a goal back! 2-1

56th minute: Bruno runs through the Brentfaad defence to fire home a glorious right foot shot to restore wor 2 goal margin to deafenin cheers from the home faithful!

82nd minute: An attempted back pass to the Brenfaad keeper by Pinnock iz intercepted by Miggy Almiron who roonded the keeper to put us 4-1 up!

90th minute: Pinnock's nightmare continues az he slices a cross into hiz own goal to complete the rout to loud cheers from the 50,000 Toon fans!

FT 5-1

After the match we heeded for The Bodega where a Brentfaad fan with a large bee on the front of hiz t shirt caalled Leon, foond oot that I did this website: "I hope you put in wot a dead atmosphere it woz from you lot!"  "Where woz your famous atmosphere?", he added!

Me 'finks' Leon needs to buy a hearin aid sharpish!

Attendance: 52,067 (2,000 Bees who were well and truely 'STUNG'!)

*Footnote: At the time of writin' we have moved up to 5th in the table!

It's 88 years since Brentfaad last won at SJP

And on this showin' it will be anothaa 88 years before they get the chance to win here again!