THE TOON 1 PALLISS 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted '1:50am bells' Wedinzday 3rd February 2021

NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED!

With new coach Graeme Jones banished to the stands for long periods of the game, it woz left to Broken Nose Bruce to coach? from the touchline in torrential rain--with predictable results!

We had a heed start az well, when Shelvey put us in front in the 2nd minute-- but just 25 minutes later we were 2-1 behind and never recovered!

That's just one win in thirteen games now--and six losses at home oot of eleven in the Premyaa Leegue this season!-and Bruce iz somehow still in the job!

We have been sucked well and truly into the relegation battle, while teams aroond us have games in hand!

After the 'high' of the win at Evaatin, normal service has returned to bite us on the arse!

THE TOON V PALLISS *** TOONEET

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 2nd February 2021

We couldnt find a team photo anywhere for this season, 

so last season's line up will have to dee!

Tooneet 'the champions of Europe' (NUFC, accordin' to Bruce!) take of Cristill Palliss at SJP, with an '8:15 bells' kick off! (See above for explanation!)

News that Bruce isnt happy with his new coach iz obvious by his body language at yesterday's press conference, when he gave a sarcastic grin and said Graeme Jones woz an "inspired choice!"

Obviously NOT 'his choice' as he had previously said!

We can anly hope that we put up a similar show to the Evertin 2-0 win on Saturday!

We welcome new loan signin Joe Willick to the fold---wor anly new face in the transfor window! (Signed too late to play tooneet!)

NUFC had attempted to sign at least EIGHT othaaz, but aall the deals fell through for one reason or anothaa!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Wedinzday 

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

"CORPORAL JONES, WOR NEW NUMBER 2, NUMBER 1!" (IF YOO SEE WHAT WE MEEEN!?)

 Posted '12:45pm bells' Sunday 31st January 2021

'CORPORAL' JONES, 'SERGEANT' WILSON & 'PRIVATE' FRASER

EVAATIN 0  DADS ARMY 2 ('Sergeant' Wilson, 2) (who else?)

Jones, Wilson and Fraser aall made contributions in this excellent performance---the best for many a month!

New coach 'Corporal' Jones organized the team into a well oiled machine, az the 'new' Newcasil controlled the show at Goodison Park!

Great performances from 'Private' Fraser and 'Sergeant' Wilson, who scored the 2 goals to seal the victory, meant that NUFC moved 8 points clear of the relegation zone!

The 'shell shocked' mackem goalie we aall love to hate, 'Little Arms' Pickford, had to PICK the baall oot of the Evaatin net twice, az hiz Toon jinx struck again! (and there have been many of them!) 

A totally unexpected victory after 11 successive winless games, woz doon to the tactics of Jones, who never stopped shoutin' instructions from the away dugoot, az Bruce and hiz othaa coaches looked on perplext!

IF LOOKS COULD KILL!

At the end of the game, Jones rushed onto the pitch to hug Wilson, while Bruce walked past, seemingly disinterested!                         See the 2 videos we 'nicked' off Twitter (above and below!) to see what we mean!

Next up iz a home game v Cristil Palliss on Tuesday, when we can anly hope that Jonesy's 'magic' iz not 'a one off' and can help us win that game az well!?---This is NUFC and anything can happen!---we shall soon find oot!

This iz wor 'take' on the current situation at NUFC:

The NUFC 'reluctant' owner: 'The Fat Controller' doesn't speak!

The NUFC 'puppet' MD: 'Penfold' doesn't speak!

The NUFC main coaching post, it seems, haz been given to new boy Graeme Jones, who did an excellent job yesterday! (although Bruce won't admit it!)

The NUFC spokesman: This task, it seems, iz now left to 'Broken Nose Bruce' to speak utter garbage like "It iz what it iz!" and "We are where we are!" to give just 2 examples!

Geordie times comment: This iz where we are! and it iz what it iz!, if yoo see where we are comin' from!? ("HELP!" these nonsense phrases are catchin' on!")

Update '4:05' pm bells'

Bornley lost 2-0 orlier on at Chelski and so NUFC move up one place above them on goals scored to 15th position in the table with 22 points from 21 games! (By wor reckonin' we need to average just under a point a game to stay up, so 38 points shud be wor target!----16 points to gan from 17 games!)

Update: '10:00 pm bells' 

Brightin beat Sporz 1-0 to move within a point of us!

Good job we won yesterday or else we would be 4th bottom now!

Got to keep the momentum gannin' v Palliss on Tuesday at SJP!       

THE TOFFEE NOSES V THE TOON *** DINNAATIME TODAY!

 Posted from'11:30am bells' onwards, Saturday 30th January 2021

FT 2-0 to NUFC    PICK that one out Jordan (Wilson's 2nd goal!)

Under normal circumstances a year ago, we would be on wor way by train to Liverpoool  for wor game v Evaatin at Goodison Park, calling at the Barlow Arms before the game (near Goodison) for a few 'gargels' and a bit chin wag with some of the locals!

Of course, these are not normal times, so I will be sitting in front of mee laptop in wor hoose, with a couple of bottles of 'Dog' (Newcasil broon ale) for 'company' to watch the proceedings!

The Geordie Times will of course give yoo laptop coverage az the action? (or inaction!) happens before us!

We can anly hope that wor new coach Graeme Jones can give us a formation to get a result against Evaatin, instead of 10 men behind the baall, az no doubt Bruce would demand to try a gain a point in a nil-nil draw!

Who, yoo may ask will pick the team? Bruce or Jones---and the answer iz---we dont know, but we will soon find oot at the '12:30 bells' kick off time!

Can The Toon break the winless 11 game streak, and can we get wor forst win in 2021?

Who knows, but with othaa teams below us catching up fast, we need a win, or at the very least a draw, to put this awful run behind us (5 Premyaa Leegue defeats in a row! and just 2 goals scored in the last 9 games in Leegue and cups!)

Joelinton has been a naughty boy by posting a selfie of him gettin hiz haircut at a barbers shop in Heaton (east end of the Toon)

God help us if the barber tests positive for the virus, as the whole thing will unravel!

NUFC say he will be disciplined , so dont expect him to be in the starting line up (he hazzint been for the last 2 games, anyway!)

Az per usual watch this space below for goal and incident updates az they happen!

25 mins played NO shots on target as usual! 46% possession!

30th minute Wilson heeder on target for NUFC which was saved by Little arms pickford and baall skimmed the bar!

HT 0-0  45% possession  1 effort on target!

Much better performance than of late, but still nee goals!

Commentator said that NUFC havent had ower 50% possession since last JULY!

*52nd minute  Wilson missed goal when he shud have scored!😬

60th minute: picture has froze for the 6th time!

Bloody ☠ channel!!!

Half way through 2nd half

40% possession   No shots on goal this half so far!

But still we are playin much better

70th minute: GOAL! Wilson  superb heeder from Shelvey cross 1-0 UP! (above)

GOAL: Wilson again from a through baall by Lewis for the decisive goal to win the game in the 93rd minute!

Jones deserves the credit but Bruce will claim it!🤪👍

Iz this the decisive moment and turnin' point for wor season?---Lets hope that this isnt a 'one off'

Team played with pride and passion 'for a change' and for once I actually enjoyed watchin us 'for a change'!

"PLEASE MR. POSTMAN, LOOK AND SEE, IF THERE'S A LETTER, A LETTER FOR ME!"

 Posted '3:39pm bells Friday 29th January 2021

To send a letter to Steve, please write to: Steve Bruce, Fantasy Island, England

*Broken Nose Bruce says he haz received PILES of letter from well wishers and fans, telling him to carry on and wishing him good luck!

BELEEEVE THIS AND YOU'LL BELEEEVE THAT DONALD TRUMP WON THE USA ELECTION!

The question on everybody's lips (or at least mine, anyway!) iz that people normally send texts, e-mails or use Twitter and Facebook to send messages these days!

Letter writtin' went oot with the dinosaurs🦕 (like Bruce!) at the end of the 20th century 🦖 when the internet exploded into wor lives!💻

We can believe he received 1 or 2 'hate mail letters'---but PILES of 'nice letters'!??--- Howwway maan!

Hang on a second!-- I can feel a letter comin' on!:

"Dear Steve, why don't you F*** OFF!"

So that's where Bruce got the idea from!

THE STRANGE APPOINTMENT OF GRAEME JONES

 Posted '10:48am bells' Thorsday 28th January 2021

From the official NUFC website

Re: Graeme Jones

Famously the assistant to Roberto Martinez at Belgium, when they finished 3rd in the 2018 World Cup in Russia

In 2018 he joined the coaching staff of WBA before coming manager of newly promoted Luton Town!

 He left Kenilworth Road in April 2020 by *mutual consent  to take up a coaching position with Bournemouth!

*It should be noted that Luton were 23rd in The Championship when he left and they were subsequently RELEGATED, which iz not mentioned at all on the NUFC website!

Readin between the lines, wor beloved? owner The Fat Controller doesnt want to sack Bruce and pay him 1.5 million in compensation!

So the next best thing is to undermine him by bringing in yet another 'assistant' coach as Bruce can't coach!

This we believe is to humiliate him into resigning! (And miss oot on a massive pay off!)

Then The Fat Controller can appoint Jones az manager, when Bruce finally walks! (Or so he hopes!)

In the meantime we can anly hope that Jones can sort a system oot where we actually venture into the opposition's half and not put 10 men behind the baall and hope against hope for a breakaway goal or a nil-nil draw!

We will soon find oot, az we play The Toffee Noses of Evertin at Goodison Park in the the orly Saturday dinnaatime kick off!

Meanwhile, talking of Bruce, he said that he woz withoot a few key players for the Leeedz game and that it hadn't been possible to play hiz best team!

But lookin at the team and subs, apart from Sean Longstaff (who haz been left oot several times) we cannot work oot who exactly he meenz?

The invisible men, perhaps?

*

THE TOON 1 LEEEDZ 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted '10:33am bells' Wedinzday 27th January 2021 

 HOW LOW CAN THE BAR GET?

"THE 'GIFT' OF THE GAB!"

Bruce said we 'gifted' Leedz their first goal and said the same in wor defeat at Villa!

Come to 'fink' of it he haz said it on numerous occasions in the past 18 months!

He said we played wor best futbaall for a while in the 2nd half and woz "pleased!"---yet we still got beat!

And as for the first half? Nee shots on goal at aall and just 35% possession against a team who are at best,  bang average!

Almiron's 2nd half goal woz anly wor 2nd in the last 9 games, with the other goal aalso comin in a 2-1 home defeat by Lestaa, scored by Andy Carroll!

This year alone, Bruce haz been 'encouraged' and talked up the defeat v Lestaa, he talked up the 2 defeats at Arsenal, he talked up the defeat at Villa and now he is talking up the defeat by Leeedz!

How far has the bar been lowered? Well, put it this way--- a limbo dancer would struggle to get beneath WOR bar!

Unless a change of manager iz forthcomin', there will be trips to Millwaall and Barnsley next season for sure---and we dont mean in one of the cups!

*

*

THE TOON V LEEEDZ *** TEATIME @ 'SIX BELLS'

 Posted '10:30am bells' Tuesday 26th January 2021

TOON FANS GIVE A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE TO WOR BELOVED MANAGER AND MD, NEAR TO WOR TRAININ' GROOND IN BENTON LAST NEET!

"HUBBLE BUBBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE!"

NUFC gan into this home game knowing that we MUST get sommik oot of it, or else we will be plunged deep into the relegation quagmire!

Bruce has yet another coach to try and help him, namely Graeme Jones, who has signed from Bournemoooth, when in fact wot we reeely need are new PLAYERS!

10 games withoot a win! (The forst one bein the 5-2 defeat at Leedz!)

1 goal in the last 8 games!

0 goals in the last 4 games! and Bruce says he iz "encouraged" by recent performances?

*Asked aboot incoming players in the transfor window, Bruce said, "We've got one or two things bubbling along!"

"THE SILENCE IZ DEAFENING!"

Old 'Broken Nose' aalso said that the players confidence woz low and told them to ignore the 'noise' of critisism and fans protests! 

(Steve, mate, just in case yoo didnt notice, there are NEE CROWDS in the stadiums to make a noise!???

*Yours truly will be listenin' in trepidation on mee trucks radio from '6:00 bells' onwards az aa travel up the M1---and so there wont be a Geordie Times 'Talk Sport' match report til the orly hours of tomorrow mornin' (when aa get back from Redditch!)

THE CABBAGE-GATE FILES!

 Posted 'Midneet bells' Munday 25th January 2021

TOON FANS HAVE BEEN URGED TO BUY CABBAGES AND PLACE THEM ON THE ST. JAMES' PARK GATES!--THINGS ARE GETTIN' BIZARRE NOW!

AND FOLLOWIN' WOR DISASTROUS 2-0 DEFEAT BY VILLA-----ANOTHER BANNER TOONEET!

FANS IN REVOLT!

 Posted '1:44pm bells' Sunday 24th January 2021

If we thought that 2020 woz a year to forget for Toon fans, then 2021 could be even worse, if yoo see where we are comin from!

The fans patience has finally snapped and banners appeared ootside the main entrance to St James' Park and the trainin groond in Benton last neet after yet another disastrous performance!

How has it come to this! Nee wins in 10 games and 'Bruce the Excuse' does indeed have an excuse for every set back!

He woz apparently pleased and encouraged by large parts of wor latest abysmal performance at Villa Park last neet, az we slid ever closer to the relegation trap door!????

A deluded man in defiant denial of the predicament we are in, with his depressin' multiple repeat comments after defeats, like: "Unfortunately we have gifted them a goal!" ** "We must dust ourselves down!" ** "Roll our sleeves up and go again!" ** etc, etc,  game after game, after game, after game! (He must have a hidden voice recorder on a loop!) 

And another thing!: If the coaches dee the coachin' and Nickson does the transfor business, what the hell does Bruce dee?                             Answer: He talks 'SHITE" (literally!) 

*It's a dead simple equation-- If 'Bruce the Excuse' stays, then NUFC----are doooomed!

*And from Twitter!

Updated at '5:35pm bells'

BRUCE BANS THE PRESS!

GEORDIE TIMES OBSERVATION !