LATEST NEWS ON THE TAKEOWER!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 7th October 2020

Whether this iz encouraging news is open to conjecture <(we naa aall the big words!)

WE JUST COULDN'T HELP WORSELS!

 Posted '1:33am bells' Wedinzday 7th October 2020

Having seen The Toon on the end of several thrashings in recent years off Moan U and The Liverbirds, we couldn't help but smile and laff and watch in disbelief when the so caalled big 2 conceded a total of 13 goals in one afternooon!

For once the boot woz on the other foot!  😂😅🤣😆

Moan U 1  Sporz 6 and 

Villa 7 The Liverbirds 2

Of course the jokes started deein the rounds and we make nee excuse for sharing some of them with yoo, wor loyal reeeders!

THE PIKES 0 THE BAD BLUE BOYS 1 *** NORTHERN PREMYAA LEEGUE, NORTH WEST DIVISION (Played Saturday)

 Posted '11:00am bells' Munday 5th October 2020 (Played Saturday)

"BAD BLUE BOYS REEL IN THE PIKES!"

We needed a new groond 'fix' as we were unable to gan to Newport to watch The Toon last Wedinzday and so went on a 'magical mystery groond tour' and heeded for east Yorkshire to watch Pickering play Dunston on a previously unvisited groond!

It took nearly 2 hours  for me and Tex Taylor to get there in mee 'canny tranny' via the A19 and A170 up Sutton bank, where a 1 in 4 hill takes yoo ower the steep incline!

We arrived aroond aboot '1:00pm bells' and the groond woz deserted!

A door woz open next to the clubhoose so 'in we went', where a gadgy with a safety officer coat on 'greeted us'!, "You should have went through the turnstiles!", he snapped! (Welcome to Pickering!)

Tex replied, "But we've never been here before and dont know where the turnstiles are?"   He pointed us in the reet direction and so we went doon and paid 'wor bit' before retornin' to the clubhoose!

 The prized match ticket      which actually cost £6!

Then the Dunston players and commitee men torned up az the rain teemed doon ootside!

Soon it woz time to heed for the cover behind the goal az the rain got heavier!

The player were gettin a good soakin az the game started and 'The Bad Blue Boys' (who were playin in aall grey coz Pickerin play in aall blue!) were on the front foot from the start az they attacked the goal the dozen or so Dunston faithful were situated!

Several chances went 'abeggin' before Dunston finally made the breakthrough!  Number 9 Mark Fitzpatrick latched on to a through baall near the six yard box and hit a sweet shot past the Pickering keeper at a tight angle just before the break!

HT: The Pikes 0  The Bad Blue Boys in Grey 1!

In the 2nd period Dunston again went for the 2nd goal to finish the game off, but it never came az The Pikes 'fished' (sic!) for an equaliser!

This nearly came at the death when a mad scramble in the Dunston penalty area ended with Liam Connell finally collectin the baall, much to the relief of the 'Bad Blue Boys' fans!

Thats the way it stayed and the victory moved Dunston up to 2nd place in the table, with anly goal difference between them and Ramsbottom in frst place!

Attendance 108 plus a gadgy leaning on a roof at the far end to watch the match for free!

"FIDDLER ON THE ROOF!"

A ride back yem via the North York Moors this time--and after dumpin mee 'canny tranny' at wor hoose, we caught the bus to The Toon to watch The Toon's home game v Bornley in Rosies Bar near SJP!

A 3-1 win put the icin' on the cake, to complete a porfect day! ('Tellyhoppers' match report on that game below!)

THE TOON 3 THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted '11:19am bells' Sunday 4th October 2020

SAINT-MAXIMIN'S OPENER!

"OH WHEN THE SAINT GOES MARCHIN IN !"

The consensus<(we naa aall the big words!) of opinion before the game woz that we were in for anothaa dour encoontaa az we watched on from Rosies Bar which iz within hocklin distance of St. James' Park!

Bornley are a kick and hope side and so are NUFC, so a goal-less draw woz my prediction, at least! (how wrang I woz!)

Saint-Maximin woz in the startin line up after injury, and wot a difference he made! Within 14 minutes he woz on the score sheet with a mazy jinkin run from near the halfway line into the box, where he twisted and turned and placed hiz shot beyond Nick Pope in the Bornley goal to put us 1-0 up at The Leazes End!

1st GOAL!!!

THE SAINT 1 THE POPE 0!

We held on til half time az the heavy rain lashed doon (funnily enough it woz 'chuckin it doon' ootside Rosies az well!)

A RAIN SOAKED BALCONY IN ROSIES BEER GARDEN, WITH THE 'FLOOD'LIGHTS OF SJP IN THE DISTANCE!

Bornley came oot in the 2nd half on the front foot and piled pressure on The Toon goal and eventually it paid off when, in the 61st minute

Westwood hit a shot across the goal from a corner, to level things!

Az it looked then, wor visitors would gan on to win the game---BUT Saint-Maximin had othaa ideas and just 4 minutes later we were back in front again when an excellent cross from 'The Saint' foond Callum Wilson on the far post and he put the baall past Pope to restore wor lead---This brought wild reaction from the 20 or so Toon fans upstairs in Rosies!

CALLUM WILSON'S 1st GOAL!!!

Aboot 10 minutes later Ryan Frazer woz fouled in the box by Pope and the ref pointed straight to the spot!---Up stepped Callum Wilson to calmly place the baall in the centre of the goal az Pope dived to hiz right! (This woz Wilson's 4th goal in 4 games---well worth the £20 million fee!)

WILSON'S PENALTY TO SECURE THE POINTS!!!

There woz nee way back from 'The Hillbillies' of the Lancashire hills and we collected the valuable 3 points to move us up to SIXTH place in the table (for the time bein' at least!)

Man of the match? 'THE SAINT' of course!

*Official attendance upstairs in Rosies Bar: 20 very happy Toon fans!!!

THE TOON V THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES *** TOOONEET!

 Posted '9:01am bells' Saturday 3rd October 2020

"THE MAGICAL MYSTERY GROONDS TOUR!"

'The Geordie Times' intends to gan to a new non leegue groond at '3:00 bells' this afternooon, before heedin for Rosies Bar to watch wor home game v Bornley 200 yards away from SJP at '8:00 bells'!

Word of warnin'!  The odds of the game finishin' in a goal-less draw are 7/1! 😴 Clark, Dummett and Matty Longstaff are still oot, but Saint-Maximin iz said to make a retorn after injury! (hopefully!)

Anyway! The new 'mystery' groond in question izn't too far away and az we cannit watch 'The Toon' on ANY new groonds for the foreseeable future, 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be heedin' south to get wor 'fix'

Aall will be revealed on Sunday!

A 'mad-sad tellyhoppers' match reports from NUFCs game will appear here come Sunday neet az well!

Az per usual! ---"Watch this space!"

"HUBBLE BUBBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE!"

 Posted '6:00pm bells' Friday 2nd October 2020

SOMEWHERE IN STEVE BRUCE'S KITCHEN! 

Wor under fire manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' haz come oot with a statement, sayin that there won't be any new signings, (just possible loaneez), but that he haz a few things 'bubbling away'!

He aalso defends his tactics, claimin that he haz received undue criticism for the absolutely most boring futbaall yoo could imagine! 

3 shots on goal in 3 Premyaa Leegue games, tells it's own sorry tale!

THE SHEAR LUNACY OF IT AALL!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 2nd October 2020

If anything, the crazy decisions made in the non leegue futbaall pyramid, make nee sense whatsoever!

The Whitley Bay Watchers are playin The Spartans of Blyth in the FA Cup tomorrow.

'Bay' fans can get in because they are deemed not to be high risk!

But the Spartans fans CANNIT gan coz they are from a higher leegue which bars fans from attendin!

Aa meeen!--wots to stop a Blyth fan from wearin a 'Bay' scarf or simply not wearin any colours and say that they support ''Bay'?

Total madness if yoo ask us!

Below are 2 newspaper clippings that tell us that the rule makers havvint got a f*****' clue wot they are deein'

The lunatics are running the asylum!

LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINALS DRAW TOOONEET!

 Posted '9:00pm bells' Thorsday 1st  October 2020

Followin' NUFCs narrow win ower Leegue 2 Newport last neet, we await the draw for the qwaataa finals which will take place after The Liverbirds game against The Arse ! (KO '7:45 bells')

Teams through to this stage are: NUFC, Moan U, The Blue Moonies, Brentfaad, Sporz, The Toffee Noses and The P*ss Potts of Stoke andwe have just hord that The Arse are through 5-4 on penalties after a 0-0 draw after 90 mins

The Geordie Times will bring yoo the news az soon az we find oot aroond aboot the '10 bells' mark!

Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

Updated '10:10pm bells'

"OH NO! NOT BRENTFAAD AWAY!  ANOTHER NEW GROOND WE CANNIT GAN TEE!!!"

"SOMEONE UP THERE DOESN'T LIKE US!

IT'S THE BAT OUT OF HELL!"

347 (NOT!) RODNEY PARADE, NEWPORT

 Ground number 347 (NOT!)

Date of Mobile Phone Footage: 30th September 2020

Rodney Parade, Newport, Wales (NOT!)

Newport County 1

Newcastle United 1 (Jonjo Shelvey)

NUFC won 5-4 on penalties

League Cup 4th Round

Attendance in wor hoose: Just me watchin' on mee 'mobile'!

Official attendance: 0 (nee away fans eethaa!)

"Haz it reeely come to this!  Watchin an away game on a mobile 'telling bone'!???

"THE BAT OUT OF HELL GAME!"

Who would ever have believed that somebody eatin' a bloody bat in China would stop 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' in their tracks!

But it certainly did! and so aa woz forced to watch the game on mee mobile phone, in wor hoose, instead of visitin groond number 347 in sooth Wales!  The forst new groond of the new season!--and forst new groond a'd not been able to watch The Toon in a competitive game since missin' an FA Cup replay at Layer Road, Colchester in 1979!  (A 41 year old sequence, up in smoke!) 

And so it woz with a heavy heart that aa put the website code into mee phone to watch the game unfold!

And 'unfold' it certainly did after just 5 minutes on the clock when the 4th tier side took a shock lead at 'Rodders Parade' through Abrahams, who's shot 'went through' Mark Gillespie in the NUFC goal!

It looked unlikely that we would get back into the game, az, frustratingly the picture froze several times on mee tiny mobile phone screen! (that's one reason to be 'there' in person!)

We just didn't get 'oot of the blocks' az the home side clung onto their orly lead!(deservedly!)

Just when it looked az though there would be yet anothaa cup humiliation to a 'minnow', up popped Jonjo Shelvey to save the day with barely 3 minutes left on the clock with a right footed screamer from a Joelinton assist!(the picture froze just before Shelvey scored, so I missed it!--seen the replay though!)

And then to a dreaded penalty shoot out to claim a place in the qwaataa finals!

Normally NUFC lose, but not this time, for apart from Joelinton's miss the othaa 5 were convorted by Wilson, Schar, Shelvey , Murphy and Saun Longstaff, while Mark Gillespie in the Toon goal saved *Ryan Taylor's shot and Newport's Branden Cooper blazed hiz 'sudden death kick' ower the bar, for NUFC to win 5-4!---We played the 'get out of jail' card and won---for a change!

*NO! NOT the Ryan Taylor who used to play for The Toon!

PS: Bizzarly, I knew we had won it a minute before we had,  az the delay time on the 'live stream' woz a minute behind and a text message on mee laptop's BBC sports page told me Newport had missed the sudden death penalty, before aa saw it, to totally spoil me enjoyment of the win! (Couldnt get live stream to work on laptop!)

Anothaa reason to be at the game 'live'!

The draw for the qwaataa finals iz later tooneet! (Thorsday)

And we will of course tell yoo just who we've got az soon az we find oot!

NEWPORT COONTY v THE TOON *** LEEGUE CUP 4th ROOND *** BCD!

 Posted '8:00am bells' Wedinzday 30th September 2020

Updated from 5:30pm bells onwards (KO time!)

"THE 'BAT OUT OF HELL' FINALLY COMES HOME TO ROOST!"

I aalways knew that one day I would miss a Toon game on a new groond through ill health, misfortune or tragedy!

It's 41 years since that last happened (Colchester away in 1979)

---So Colchester's Layer Road groond woz the anly one missin'!---and soon, Rodney Parade will be added to the black-list!(The missing links--or in my case, 'The missing 'Finks'!) (sic!)

And although aa havvint been to every single game since then, av been to every new groond where an NUFC team have played in a competitive game! (Includin AALL wor European away games since then)

But NEVER in my wildest nightmares did I 'fink' that one day I would miss a Toon game on a new groond coz somebody in China had eaten a bloody bat!

(That 'one day' iz now upon us!)

Of course there are many, many Toon fans and fans of different clubs who havvint missed a game for years who are in the same boat az me and YOO, thanx to the pandemic!

And so here we will be at '5:30 pm bells'! 320 miles away from Newport, on Tyneside, listenin on wor radio's or watchin on the telly and laptop's, az the game iz played oot, in front of empty stands yet again!

How much langer can this farcical situation gan on I ask myself???

Anyway! The Geordie Times will supply updates of any 'action' on the pitch az it happens in wor hoose!

UPDATES BELOW FROM '5:30pm bells' when the match kicks off!

Haz it reeely come to this! Having to watch a match on mee mobile!

*Latest score: Newport 1  The Toon 0 (Abrahams 5th minute)

HT still 1-0 to the Leegue 2 side!🥶

GOAL! 87th minute: Jonjo Shelvey equaliser with great right footed shot, assisted by Joelinton!

FT 1-1  penalties!

Won 5-4 on penalties! Joelinton missed hiz!

We got oot of jail for sure!

Geordie Times  mobile phone match report sometime tomorrow!