2 NORTH EAST CLUBS ÇHASE VIDAL!

Posted '6:00pm bells' Sunday 19th April 2020

The Geordie Times haz hord some sensational news that NUFC are after Barcelona star and highly rated central midfielder Arturo Vidal!


We understand that 'the mackems' are after Vidal az well!

GREAT EXPECTATIONS!

Posted '12:15am bells' Sunday 19th April 2020

Expectations amongst Toon fans have changed in an instant!

Spot the difference under 
The 'Fat Controller's
reign!!

PRINCE SALAM WITH PRIME MINISTERS, PRESIDENTS, QUEENS and PRINCES!

Posted '9:45pm bells' Saturday 18th April 2020

He can't be that bad if he has met the Queen!

BUCKINGHAM PALACE WITH THE QUEEN

10 DOWNING STREET WITH THE THEN 

PRIME MINISTER THERESA MAY

IN SAUDI ARABIA WITH PRIME MINISTER BORIS

IN THE WHITE HOOSE WITH DONALD

(WHO IZ WEARIN' A 'TOON' TIE!)

3 PRINCES @ BUCKINGHAM PALACE 

*I rest my case! 

50 MORE DAYS OF FAMINE? (AT LEAST!)⁷

Posted '3:55pm bells' Saturday 18th April 2020

News that The Premyaa Leegue's earliest restart date iz on the 8th Joon reaches us!

That's assuming that there iz a downward curve in the infections and deaths and that the government give them the 'green light'!

With the death toll from 'the bat out of hell' virus now nearly 1,000 a day on average in the UK (not includin' nursing homes etc) it's hard to see just how this iz possible!

We aalso hear that the 2020-2021 season must start at the beginnin of September, which gives a maximim time slot to complete the 92 Premyaa Leegue games of 2 and a half months!

The games we are told, will aall be behind closed doors and live on the telly, but the 20 playin squads must be tested first az well az coaches and match officials!
And wot abooot the hotel staff where the players will be staying in isolation???

If games are played behind closed doors, then many fans (includin me) who haven't missed a competitive game this century, will have 'the chain' broken into pieces!
(That's NINE NUFC games behind closed doors!)

Honestly, if it's safe for players to play without social distancing, then it must be safe to watch live at stadiums--and not on a box at home! (Why should futbaallers be given priority for testin, ower the rest of the population?)

But with so many deaths still bein recorded, (16,000 in total--so far!) it's quite possible that the season will have to be abandoned, as that 8th Joon restart looks highly unlikely!
And wot happens if even just ONE player from a squad gets the virus? Then the whole team will have to isolate az well and then the whole plan will faall apart, like a row of dominoes!



Who would ever have believed that somebody eating a bat in Chinaa last November, could cause aall this mayhem aroond the world 4 months later?????

GROUNDHOPPERS ARCHIVE *** "IT WOZ 20 YEARS AGO TODAY!" *** WIDNES VIKINGS RLFC

Posted '2:16pm bells' Friday 18th April 2020

On this day 20 years ago wor resorve side played Evaatin resorves at The Autoquest Stadium in Widnes, which iz the home of Rugby Super Leegue side Widnes Vikings!
A match report on that game, which woz mee 192nd groond visited watchin The Toon, iz printed below! 

192 autoquest stadium Widnes (v Everton res)

(GROUND NUMBER 192)

Date of First Visit: 18th APRIL 2000

THE AUTO QUEST STADIUM, WIDNES

EVERTON RESERVES 1

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES 1 (Marcelino)

F.A. PREMIER RESERVE LEAGUE

ATTENDANCE 4,175



  "HI HO!--HI HO!--TIH WIDNES WE WILL GO!" 

It was at 1:30 bells precisely in the orly afternoon that the 'Indigenous Duo' (meesel and 'The Undertaker') set off on the 350 mile roond trip tih Widnes R.L.F.C. the new 'home' of Everton Reserves tih watch the Toon's 'second string' in this end of season fixture.

(Ah divvint even knaa what ''Indigenous' means, but it soonds good!)

                                            



"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WIDNES---THEN???"

"YIV GORRA CANNY PETROL STATION, JUST DOON THE ROAD!"



We arrived at aboot 'five bells' and parked the 'jam jar' in the main stand car park which just happened tih be reet next tih the Widnes Social Club underneath the 'said' stand.

And SO! (az yih de!) wih made the twenty yard marathon stroll across the tarmac for wor customary pre-match gargel.

Unfortunately for 'The Undertaker', he was drivin' so it was left tih me tih sample the local brew while he stuck tih his usual orange 'n' shandies.

(NOT! in the same glass---ah may add!)

On hearin' wor 'cultured Geordie accents', one of the locals enquired, (in his 'uncultured' 'half-Scouse' accent!)

"You 'avent come all the waay frum Nuuwcastle?---have yer???"

"ER!---Well!---Actually wih have!", ah said sheepishly! (tryin' tih hide behind mee pint!)

"What duh yer think of Widnes---then"?, he asked iz, with apprehension in his voice.

Nuw!---considerin' the fact that apart from the social club we were in, the anly other place wi'd been te in the toon was to an 'Esso' petrol station not far from the groond, (tih fill up for the retorn jorney) mee reply was short an' straight tih the point.

"Yiv gorra canny petrol station, just doon the road!", ah said pointin' oot the window across the car park!. (smirk!---smirk!)

And then 'The Undertaker' butted in.

"The duel carriageway that leads ontih the 'M62' looks very nice iz well!", he said (tryin' tih keep a straight face!)

(Ah meen!, it's not a place yi'd gan te for yih summah holidiz!---like!)  (Wor friend did'nt get the joke!)

This aad gadgie was sittin' on the next table so ah thought a'd ask HIM a question in retorn.

"What was the groond caalled before it became 'The Auto Quest Stadium"? (refurin' tih the fact that it had been renamed after the clubs sponsors)

"Widnes Rugby League Ground!", came the reply.

(Ah decided not tih ask 'Mastermind' any more 'difficult' questions after that!)

One of the club commitee men then came ower and presented wih with two complimentary tickets for the game.

"Cheers mate!", ah said, grabbin' the 'precious'? tickets from his hand!.

Two more of the 'intrepid travellers' then arrived in the clubhoose (Dave and Mick who live in York) (F***** Glory-hunters!) tih DOUBLE! the number of Toon fans who'd made the jorney across the 'Pennines', and so (it came to pass!) that it was the 'faithful foursome' (sic!) who cheered on the lads, on what was a rain sodden neet on Merseyside!.

Wi'd expected a crowd of aboot fower tih five hundred tih torn up, considerin' the fact that Widnes was some fifteen miles (az the 'drunken magpie' flies!) from Goodison Park.

BUT!--as this was their last home game of the season, Everton had decided tih mek it 'A Kid's Night' and everybody got in for nowt with aboot fower thoosand screamin' kids (complete with 'hot dogs' an' fizzy drinks!) tornin' up instead!. (So wih did'nt need the complimentary tickets after aal!) (what wih needed was f***** ear plugs instead!)

Amongst the fower thoosand screamin' 'sprogs' there were quite a few of them sportin' Toon colours, so we were NOT alone after aall!.

The Auto Quest Stadium is a strange mixture of old and new and on three sides of the groond there are three identical cantilever stands which have aboot two thoosand blue, yellow and green seats each. BUT!---in complete contrast, as yih 'mince pies' torn tih the right, yih see something straight from the 'dark ages'. i.e: A rickity old stand complete with a tiny rusty 'faally doon' roof, and next to it some two foot high crash barriers, painted in the Widnes clubs black 'n' white colours, that the 'seven dwarfs' could faall ower!.

(Which begs the f***** question, why are the seats blue, yellow 'n' green???, (a 'job lot' perhaps?) and where the hell were the 'seven dwarfs'???)

(Answers on a postcard pleeze tih: 'Snowhite' c/o Widnes R.L.F.C.!)

The match was played in torrential rain and Marceleno
put the Toon ahead with a glorious header which dipped ower the Everton keeper. But the lead did'nt last, and the 'Goodison boys' equalised just after the interval.

The Toon were well on top in the second half but could'nt break doon their defence again, and the match finished aall square.

Then after the match it was a 'white knuckle ride' at 90 mph in the pourin' rain back ower the Pennines tih get yhem by 11.30 bells precisely.

(Another one tih add tih the 'hoppers reserve list'!)



                                        
Footnote:

When ah telt wor lass that ah was gannin tih Everton tih watch the reserves, shih thought ah was gannin tih London!.

"Divvint be daft woman!", ah said, "Everton divvint play in London!".

"Ah knaa!", shih said, "ah was anly kiddin'---It's in SCOTLAND!---is'nt it"???

(Good job SHE was'nt drivin'-------IS'NT IT JUST!?)

Footnote 2: 'The Undertaker' woz aalso known az 'The Caped Crusader'.
He woz killed alang with 'Liam from the Lamp' and 296 others. 
The 2 of them were on their way to New Zealand for an NUFC pre season tournament, when their plane woz shot doon ower the Ukraine in July 2014.
They were both good friends of mine.

RIP The Undertaker and Liam   

       

                                                            











  

"IZ THIS THE BEGINNIN' OF THE END FOR 'THE FAT CONTROLLER'?"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Thorsday 16th April 2020

🙏 THE END GAME! 🙏

*The NUFC takeower iz now in the hands of The Premyaa Leegue's 'fit and propaa persons test' panel!
Surely this will be a formality, az we hear that Crown Prince Bin Salman iz worth a staggering £315 BILLION quid! (Just behind me in the wealth stakes!) (If only!😳)

Just like the (eventual) end of the 'bat out of hell' coronavirus lockdoon, it could take a while for it to happen, but we hear that the takeower iz 'imminent'!🙏

But we CAN wait a little bit langer, as it's been 13 years of 'The Fat Controller from hell' 'virus', that we have had to put up with! 

ie: The most ridiculous managerial appointment in history! ('Joke' Kinnear!)(TWICE!)---10 managers/'yes men' in total!---Total contempt towards the fanbase!---'Deathly silence' from the boardroom! (have yoo EVER hord wor MD 'Penfold' speak!?)---The most boring futbaall imaginable! ("ZZZzzz!!!"😴)---2 relegation heartbreaks!---and numerous othaa relegation battles!--includin this season of course!

Multi millionaire Amanda Staveley iz brokering the takeower bid-- and az a backup we have the billionaire Reuben bruvvaz in the fray as well! (Prince Bin Salam group 80%--Amanda 10%--The Reuben bruvvaz 10%)

Just like the lockdown, which iz to be extended for the next 3 weeks, as we speak, there IZ light at the end of this very dark tunnel!

Accordin to the government we have reached the peak in the number of people infected by the virus.
It's just a waitin game in both 'virus' cases! 🙏 🙏

*

NUFC UNVEIL NEW KIT FOR NEXT SEASON!

Posted '7:00pm bells' Wedinzday 15th April 2020

"Geordie Times excluuusive!"

"New kit!---New kit!"🐫🤪

WOT THE PAPERS SAY ABOOT THE PROPOSED TAKEOWER!

Posted '2:30pm bells' Wedinzday 15th April 2020
*

*And on social media!

"AALMOST THERE!---WE'RE AALMOST THERE!"

Posted '5:27pm bells' Tuesday 14th April 2020

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏