THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 2 THE TOON 3 *** FA CUP 5TH ROOND

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wedinzday 4th March 2020

"JAWDEEEZ, COCK OF THE NORTH!"

"WE NEARLY 'COCKED' IT UP!" (AGAIN!)

Because aa woz the anly one who needed to get back for graft the next day (today at '2:30 bells'), aa got 'the short straw' and drove doon to the West Midlands in me 'canny tranny' 9 seater van for 'this one'! (4 of us aaltogether)

The jorney doon the various motorways to get there woz uneventful and we parked up aboot half a mile from The Hawthorns near the M5 motorway and caught the tram to central Bormingham for a few 'gargels' with those who had travelled doon by train (not much for me, az aa woz the driver!)

Az the match started, aboot a dozen inflatable male sex organs (plastic ones,NOT real ones!) were thrown aboot the away end in response to West Brom statin' that 'no 'windmills' would be allowed into the groond! (This woz itself in response to a Toon fan who dropped hiz strides at Oxfaad in the last roond and twerled hiz small 'manhood' like a windmill, which woz shown on live telly!)--It looked riDICKulous! (sic!)

THE TOON ARE IN AALL ORANGE AZ WE ATTACK THE FAR GOAL

The 5 goal 'feast' started just after the half hour mark: 

25th minute: Saint-Maximin rattles the woodwork az The Toon press for the openin' goal!

33rd minute: Miggy Almiron latches onto a through baall and plants the baall into the back of the net at The Bormingham Road End to send the 5,050 faithful at the othaa end into unbridled joy!

1st half stoppage time: A back heel from Joelinton near the far post find Almiron who says "thank yoo very much!" and taps in from close range to double wor lead!

VIEW FROM ROW 'AA', SEAT 70, OF THE SMETHWICK END

(2nd half)

46th minute: And then, with barely 30 seconds played in the 2nd half Lazaro chested the baall home in front of the away followin' to put us into the draw for the qwaataa finals of the competition!-----WHEY! not quite!---Az The Baggie Troosers pulled one back in the 73rd minute after sloppy defendin on wor part to give them a glimmer of hope and send The Toon Army into 'nail-bitin' mode!

 It woz then 'backs to the waall' az West Brom went on the offensive with wor formation sent into disarray az 'Broken Nose Bruce' made two changes, takin' off wor best players who could run at their defence (Almiron and Saint-Maximin) replacing them with Shelvey and Gayle!

And then, horror upon horror we conceded a 2nd goal in the 3rd minute of stoppage time, after yet more bad defendin', to send The Toon Army into 'pullin oot hair' mode'!

A penalty appeal for the home side sent wor hearts into 'attack mode', (That's 'heart attack mode'!), but the ref waved 'play on' and we managed to survive!
We'd 'nearly 'cocked it up' (double sic!)----but live to fight anothaa day, with the draw takin place tooneet 'late on'! (Approximately '10 bells'. NUFC are baall number 4)

Toon team: Darlow, Manquillo, Lascelles, Schar, Rose, Lazaro (Lejeune 91), S. Longstaff, Bentaleb, Saint-Maximin (Gayle 80), Almiron (Shelvey 71)

Attendance: 25,000 estimated? (5,050 Toon fans singin the 'Tell mee maa, we're goin to Wembley', song)
2 days later: Official attendance: 21,577 (We bring yoo the news 1st hand, 2nd!)

*The pre match 'gargels' took place here!

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON **** FA CUP 5th ROOND *** TOONEET!

Posted 'just before high noon bells' Tuesday 3rd March 2020

We take a much needed break from the ravages of Premyaa Leegue futbaall tooneet when we heed for The Hawthorns to take on West Brom in the FA Cup at '8:00 bells'! (live on BBC red button)

Just why the 5th roond iz bein' played midweek and not at the weekend iz because of the so caalled 'winter break', meeenin that we must play 3 games in 7 days following wor bore draw with Bornley last Saturday---and then away to Sooothampton next Saturday!

Despite the inconvenience of a Tuesday neet away game, NUFCs allocation of 5,050 tickets sold oot az soon az they were put on sale!----FA Cup fever haz hit Tyneside az its 14 lang years since we got this far in the FA Cup----indeed aboot a qwaataa to a thord of wor younger support tooneet, will have NEVER seen us in a 5th roond tie!

We have nee idea aboot the team line ups yet, az both 'us' and West Brom are tryin to be in The Premyaa Leegue next season, with 'us' just 6 points above the drop and West Brom in 2nd place in The Championship table! (ie: Premyaa Leegue rules OK!)

Yours truly haz got 'the short straw' and will be drivin' doon and back this time in a few mis from now! (somebody else's torn next time we need to drive to an away game!)

A full Geordie Times match report with pix will appear here sometime on Wedinzday----Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

PS: The monthly pageviews for 'The Geordie Times' passed the 9,000 mark for the forst time ever, for February 2020 (9,500+)---the highest monthly figure in the near 10 years that this daft blog haz been gannin----and NEE daft 'pop up advorts' to annoy yoo eethaa!---unlike aall the othaa NUFC fan sites! (ie: We dee it FREE (for the 'luv of it') and not for money!)

*

"NO SENSE IN THIS NONSENSE!"

Posted '11:11am bells' Munday 2nd March 2020

"THE HANDSHAKES WILL STOP FORTHWITH!
---FULL STOP!"

DOCTOR'S ORDERS! (or NOT, az the case may be!)

On  Friday wor heed coach 'Broken Nose Bruce' said that wor respected club doctor has ordered that the customary 'shaking of hands' between players and staff at wor trainin groond in Benton should stop immediately because of the threat of the coronavirus outbreak!

In wor press conference, Bruce reiterated this and said the players and staff would no langer shake hands with ANYBODY!

And then just a day later on Saturday before wor match v Bornley, guess wot happened???--- The Toon and Bornley players indeed, shook hands with each other and the match officials!!!???

"Just wot the doctor DIDN'T order!"

"Yi couldn't possibly make it up!"

THE TOON V THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:35pm bells' Friday 28th February 2020

GREY'S MONUMENT ENTRANCE TO ELDON SQUARE 

IN THE CENTRE OF TOON!

"SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL!" (or NOT az the case maybe!)

*Sorry for repeatin' worsles---sorry for repeatin worsels!, but tomorrow's game v Bornley at SJP haz taken on yet anothaa 'must win'---'must not lose' game!

With 31 points 'on board', we need at least anothaa 10 points from the remainin 11 games to avoid 'the abyss' of  'The Championship' next season!

With less than an average of a goal a game (24 in 27)---and the very fact that wor non firing strikeforce haz just scored FOWER (4) goals between 6 of them aall season in Premyaa Leegue fixtures,(Joelinton(1), Almiron(2), Muto(0), Gayle(0), Saint-Maximin(1), Carroll(0))---meeenz that a low scorin' game iz forecast by us!

(Nee goals in wor last 3 games tells its own sorry tale!) 

'The Hillbillies' from across the Pennines are on 'a roll' with wins at Moan U and Sooothampton in their last 2 away games and are unbeaten in their last 5 games aall told!

In contrast, NUFC have won just ONE of wor last 9 Premyaa Leegue games az we steadily slide doon the table----to 14th place az we speak!

Az lang az wor absent owner 'The Fat Controller' iz in charge and appoints 'run of the mill' 'yes men' managers like Pardew, McClaren, Carver, Joke Kinnear and Bruce, then we will aalways be in a relegation battle, with nee hope whatsoever of winnin' a major trophy!

NEW SIGN AT BENTON

TRAININ' GROOND!

Bizzarly, wor heed coach 'Broken Nose Bruce' haz ordered wor players not to shake hands, because of the coronavirus crisis, so it will be very interestin' indeed, when the teams line up for their pre match handshakes, to see wot exactleee happens???

The goals 'for' column doesn't lie!
NUFC are joint lowest scorers!

A 'Geordie Times' match report will appear here az per usual a day after the game (Sunday)----"Watch this space!"     

TUESDAY TOON TELLY TIE!

Posted '12:33pm bells' Thorsday 27th February 2020

"WHEY AYE 50!--50!"

Great news for aall 'Toon Tavern Tellyhoppers'!---------
Wor FA Cup 5th roond tie next Tuesday at The Hawthorns v 'The Baggie Troosers' of West Brom iz NOW live on BBC telly (red button) and online on the BBC website
NUFC have sold wor entire allocation of 5,050 tickets for The Smethwick away end and the game iz a complete selloot (az far az we are aware?)

More to follow on this game at the beginnin' of next week!

Update on ticket sales:
We were WRANG!  West Brom have anly sold 15,000 tickets to their own fans---meeenin that 7,000 are still available to home fans anly!

JELLIED EELS MOB ON GOOD FRIDAY!

Posted '5:40pm bells' Munday 24th February 2020

                                               A glimpse of The Strawberry Corner
                                       through the tower blocks gap from Gallowgate!

It has been confirmed that we will play 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham at SJP on Good Friday April 10th at '8:00 bells' for live SKY telly!

Wor 5th roond away FA Cup tie against 'The Baggie Troosers' of West Brom next Tuesday iz a selloot for NUFC fans, az we have sold wor entire allocation of 5,050 tickets for the away end!----not bad for a Tuesday neet!

Aalso, we have been allocated a forthaa 600 tickets for wor away game at Sooothampton on Saturday 7th March
This meeenz that NUFC will have 2,900 followers at the game!
One 'quirk' aboot admission to the game, which we have never seen before, states that nee under 2's are allowed---ie: NEE BAABIES!

CRISTIL PALLIS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted from '6:30pm bells' onwards, Saturday 22nd February 2020 on the train yem (which had been delayed ower half an hour az the train driver woz late!)

View from row 18, seat 72
of The Arthur Wait (away) Stand
(NUFC are in the horrible dark green change strip!)

"IT WON'T TAKE LANG TO DEE THIS MIS-MATCH REPORT!"

Just one shot on target in the first half from Joelinton and one shot on target in the second half from Fabian Schar summed up yet anothaa miserable weekend in the capital city, followin wor 4-0 drubbing at 'The Arse' last Sunday!

This time it woz just a 1-0 defeat after a needless free kick woz given away at the end of forst half by one of wor defenders (couldn't see clearly just who gave the free kick away?) and Van Aaholt said "thank yoo very much!" and sent his kick into the top corner of the net with Dubravka in The Toon goal beaten aall ends up!

The Toon 'attack'? the right hand goal
(1st half)

To top up this terrible performance, Lazaro got himself sent off in the 95th minute when he needlessly 'rugby tackled' a Pallis attacker, on a run towards goal!
Aalso, SIX othaa Toon players were shown yellow cards az well!

Pallis had 18 shots in total (accordin to the stats) and if it wasnt for Dubravka in The Toon goal, makin some great saves, then the scoreline would have been much worse!

With nee goals yet again for us, £40 million poond number 9 striker Joelinton, haz now gone an incredible SIX MONTHS! withoot a solitary goal in The Premyaa Leegue! (And just ONE aaltold! v Sporz last August)

2nd half 'inaction'!

It reeely is very hard work to watch this dross and it doesnt get much worse than this!  "ZZZZzzzz!!!"😴
With othaa results gannin kindly for NUFC, we are somehow still 7 points above the drop zone, but drop to 14th place!

Toon team line up to follow when aa can be bothered!😠

The pre match 'gargels' took place in Norwood Junction
(20 mins walk from groond)

The post match 'gargels' took place near King's Cross-St Pancras stations

*Updated some considerable time later!

The train finally 'limped' across The King Edward Bridge 57 minutes late, at '10:37pm bells'---3 minutes short of claimin' a full ticket refund!😳

Toon team: Dubravka, Lazaro, Fernandez, Lascelles, Schar, Rose (Ritchie 71), Almiron (Gayle 71), S. Longstaff, Bentaleb, Saint-Maximin, Joelinton

Attendance: 25,486 (2,800 very bored Toon fans! "ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!")😴

*WOR £101 MILLION POOND STRIKERS PREMYAA LEEGUE TALES OF WOE THIS SEASON!
Almiron: £21 million (2 goals) (Last one 6 weeks ago) 
Joelinton: £40 million (1 goal) (26 weeks ago) (6 months!) 
Saint-Maximin: £20 million (1 goal) (11 weeks ago)
Gayle; £10 million (0 goals!)
Muto £10 million (0 goals!)
Carroll: Free transfor (0 goals!)
TOTAL: 4 GOALS FROM 6 STRIKERS IN 27 GAMES WHO COST NUFC A TOTAL OF £101,000,000!!!!!




*WOT THE PAPERS SAY!--- 
                             "CAPITAL CALAMITY!"

CRISTIL PALLIS V THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:29pm bells' Friday 21st February 2020

Just like a London bus queue, we heed for the capital city for the 2nd time in a week, followin wor heavy 4-0 defeat at 'The Arse' last Sunday!

We face a Pallis side that haz won just one of their last 11 Leegue fixtures, as they nosedive doon the table!  Let's hope that NUFC make them 'nosedive' a little fortaa doon towards the relegation zone, tomorrow!?

Dwight Gayle iz said to be fit to retorn at last, az iz Muto, but Joelinton is carryin' an injury and will probably miss oot!
Aalso missin oot are, Clark, Dummett, Krafth, Shelvey and (suprize!, suprize!) Andy Carroll!

A dammin' stat iz that wor last goal from a striker in the Premyaa Leegue, woz SIX MONTHS AGO, on August 25th last year!!!! (Joelinton's solitary Premyaa goal in wor 1-0 win at Sporz new abode!)  
'Broken Nose Bruce' haz stated 'the blindingly obvious' and said that £40 million poond acwazishin <(We naa aall the big words!) Joelinton, might NOT be a natural goalscorer!!!!! (1 goal in 26 Premyaa Leegue appearances, tells its own sorry tale!)
Predictably, az both us and Pallis are bottom scorers in the table, averagin' less than a goal a game, a borin' 'nil-nil' result iz the most likely outcome! "ZZZZzzzz!" 😴 

NUFC have sold wor entire allocation of 2,800 tickets and we are on the '8:00 bells' train to KX (King's Cross, London) tomorrow mornin'----cans of 'liquid lubrication' at the ready!

A full 'Geordie Times' match and 'booze' report, will appear here sometime on Sunday and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that this game will be last on 'Match of the Day' (again!) on Saturday neet!

PS: The Geordie Times forst went to Sehurst Park nearly 50 years ago and an archive match report on that game is printed below!
(Ground number 014)

(GROUND NUMBER 14)

Date of First Visit: 22nd AUGUST 1970

SELHURST PARK, LONDON

CRYSTAL PALACE 1 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 0

(OLD) DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE: 27,287

"THE CRYSTAL MAZE!"

Meesel, Billy ‘hard case’ Gardner, Dylan and Deka Scott took the midneet ‘sleeper’ doon tih the capital for this one, and we arrived in ‘the big city’ at aboot ‘six bells’.

Skinheeds had just become ‘aall the rage’ and Billy ‘sported’ hiz ‘new image’ with a qwaata inch ‘skin’, complete with a shaved partin’!

He aalso ‘sported’ a size ten pair of ‘Doc Martens’ and waz ‘ready for anythin’!?

With a 'mystical' name like Crystal Palace, ah somehow had 'visions' of Selhurst Park resemblin'---well!---a 'palace'!, fit for a Queen!,------ covered in crystal glass!.

That 'vision'? soon evaporated when ah forst caught sight of the groond!.

The main stand was aboot sixty years aad, and had corrigated sheetin' 'clagged' tih the sides. The stand opposite, accordin' tih the match programme, had just been built, and had claret 'n' blue claddin' at the front. The two ends were open terracin', and the end we were in, had a grass bank tih stand on at the rear!.

(The Queen would NOT! be impressed!) (or amused!)

                                   

“

This was Palace's forst ever season in the top division, and their fans were really 'up for it' as kick off time approached and they were roamin’ the streets around the ground lookin’ for any Toon fans for a fight!---However!---az soon az they seen Billy they changed their minds and scarpered!

The match, as it torned oot, was'nt much tih write home aboot, and the Toon made a 'wobbly start' with John McNamee and Ron Guthrie in particular at the back havin' a bad game.

The 'new kids on the block' from Croydon (where Palace play) took advantage of this and ran oot one-nil winners, with their anly goal comin' in the forst half.

SO!--(very despondently!) wih headed for the station after the 'last rites', and caught the train for the twenty mile journey back tih Kings Cross. (Aye!, London IS a big F***** place!)

But---be warned!---whatever yih dee, divvint gan there by 'jam jar', like ah did a few seasons ago. Because of the traffic, it took us THREE F****** HOURS! tih travel the thirty odd miles tih the groond!, from the end of the 'M1' in north London! -----AND wih got totally lost as well!.

(Which was nearly as lang as it took us, tih travel the 280 miles from Newcastle tih north London!) (The mind boggles!)

The usual guide of 'homin' in' on the floodlight pylons was nee good either, as yih can't see them or the groond, 'til yih practically on top of it!.

It's not signposted, and there are hundreds of side streets tih get lost in!. It's like tryin' tih find ya way through a bloody gigantic maze!, and is without doubt, the hardest groond in the Futbaall League tih find!.

                                           

“

On another occasion, wih tried tih get a taxi tih Selhurst Park from Kings Cross. It took wih an hour an' a half!, cost the thick end of twenty five 'dustbin lids'!, AND---the taxi driver got f***** lost as well!?.

Nuw---if a 'black cab' driver, who's taken 'The Knowledge' , can't find it, what f***** chance have the rest of wih got???.

Yih could say that tryin' tih find the groond, is like tryin' tih find ya way through a 'Crystal Maze'!--------sic.

                                           

Footnote:

'The Crystal Maze' is (was?) an obscure (and daft!) telly programme on Channel Four, where contestants have tih try and find their way oot of a giant maze!.

                                            ’çÏ“

'The Knowledge' is a test that aal London 'cabbies' have tih tek, tih show that they know where every street in London is!.

(Obviously, NOT! includin' the street where Palace play?!)

                                

'

TELLY TIMES FOR APRIL DUE OOT THIS FRIDAY (ALLEDGEDLY!)

Posted '1:25pm bells' Wedinzday 19th February 2020
Updated Saturday 21st February

The telly times for April have now been published 

Saturday 4th April---Bornmoooth, away at '3:00 bells'

Saturday 11th April---The Jellied Eels Mob of West Ham, home
Now Good Friday 10th April (allegedly) nee ko time yet?

Saturday 18th April---The Blue Moonies of Manchester, away at '3:00 bells' 
(Will be moved if eethaa of us progress to the semi-final stage of the FA Cup)

Saturday 25th April---Wotfaad away at '3:00 bells'

Aalso! should we beat West Brom in the 5th roond of the FA Cup, then wor game at home to 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' on Saturday 21st March will be moved az well, az this iz qwaataa finals day!