THE TOON 1 THE ELTON JOHN MOB 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st September 2019

VIEW FROM ROW 2, SEAT 97, ON THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY

"YET ANOTHER ONE TO FORGET!"

After the great win at Sporz last Sunday it woz 'back doon the orth' in this dour display against pointless Wotfaad in from of wor lowest leegue crowd for 7 years! (44,000 plus!)

It took 'The Elton John Mob' less than 2 minutes to strike the forst blow, when Will Hughes slotted home at The Gallowgate End with wor defence at 'sixes and sevens'! (Great start--eh?)

WE just couldn't get 'oot of the blocks' az we 'slogged away', passin sideways and backwards for lang periods! "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴

We finally made 'the breaktrough' just before the half time break when a Krafth cross foond Hayden in the box  who knocked it doon for FABian Schar to force the baall into The Leazes End net, to send the 43,000 Toon faithful into raptures ---and relief! (Wotfaad had 1,000 fans)

EMPTY SEATS IN THE LEAZES END
(WOTFAAD FANS ARE TOP RIGHT)

The 2nd period woz a bit better, but we couldn't find the winner az Wotfaad wasted time!  Almiron woz caught 'offside' at least FIVE times in this half, much to the frustration of the crowd, who were very quiet for lang periods!
Muto who had came on az sub late on, ran doon the wing and hiz effort hit the side nettin' from a very tight angle, when it would have been better to pass the baall!---more frustration for the crowd!

A 1-1 draw then!, which amazingly moves us up from 2nd bottom to 14th of the table---for the time being!---

It's THE LIVERBIRDS next in a fortneets time at Anfeeeld, who are on a 14 game winnin' streak!----an eazy 3 points for 'us' then!
(There's an international break next weekend)

Footnote: £21 million man Almiron missed 2 good chances and haz now played 14 times for us and iz yet to score a goal or assist a goal!

Dubravka, Krafth Manquillo 78), Lascelles, Schar (Ferandez 85), Dummett, Atsu Muto 82), Hayden, Saun Longstaff, Willians, Almiron, Joelinton

Attendance: 44,157

Explanation: Elton John iz Wotfaad's club president---Hence, 'The Elton John Mob'

THE TOON V THE ELTON JOHN MOB *** TOMORROW AT '3 BELLS'

Posted '3:30pm bells' Friday 30th August 2019

THE MILBURN STAND FROM BARRACK ROAD

The games are comin thick and fast az we play 'The Elton John Mob' of Wotfaad tomorrow at SJP
Wotfaad are the anly team below us in the leegue with 0 points from 3 games
So we reeely must win this a grab the 3 points!
The good news iz---Joelinton and Almiron are expected to retorn after bein' rested v Lestaa in midweek 
The bad news iz--Matt Ritchie iz oot for at least 2 months with ankle ligament damage and Saint-Maximun iz oot for 3 to 4 weeks with a hamstring injury!😟  

We fully expect that at least 6 changes will be made from the Lestaa Leegue Cup game on Wedinzday
And taking aboot Lestaa, wor leegue game at their place haz been moved for a thord time from the original '3:00 bells ko to '5:30 bells ko for the telly on Saturday 28th September---and now it has been moved to Sunday 29th September at '4:30 bells' to help Man City who are in Champions Leegue action the follow Tuesday and their game v Evaatin scheduled for that Sunday haz been moved to wor telly slot on Saturday (ie: we have swooped dates and ko times!)

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Sunday

Score and attendance prediction: We Nevada predict an NUFC score az yoo Nevada naa with wor lot!
We reckon the crowd will be aroond aboot the 49,000 mark!

THE TOON 1 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 1 (TOON LOST PENALTY SHOOTOUT 4-2) ***LEEGUE (CARABAO) CUP 2nd ROOND

Posted '1:16pm bells' Thorsday 29th August 2019

VIEW FROM ROW QQ, SEAT 85 IN THE GALLOWGATE END

REST OF THE WORLD 10  NUFC 1 !!!

For the tenth time in wor history (oot of eleven attempts) we lost a penalty shootout in a competitive game!
This gans way back to 1971 when we played Pecsi Dozsa in the old Fairs Cup---and since then we have lost anothaa nine---winnin' just ONE v Wotfaad in 2006!---A absolutleee shockin' 48 year record!

AZ the game kicked off there looked to be aroond aboot 20,000 in the groond in the lower levels with 750 or so Lestaa fans in the top deck corner of The Leazes End! 

A much changed team (from wor win at Sporz) took the field, with 7 changes from the startin line up in norf London (so much for playin wor strongest 11!)---But in fairnesss to old 'Broken Nose'--to risk the likes of Joelinton up front would have left us bare, especially az Wotfaad are due at 'wor place' on Saturday---ie: Premyaa Leegue status iz much more important than gannin oot in the 3rd or 4th roonds!)

We actually started off well az we attacked The Leazes goal and had a few chances to take the lead but just couldn't make the breakthrough!
The Basil Brush Brigade of Lestaa had chances az well and it woz they who took the lead with a wickedly deflected free kick by Maddison which hit Matt Richie and completleee wrong footed sub goalie Karl Darlow az the baall hit the back of the net!
Matt Ritchie then suffered a bad injury when a horrendous tackle by Choudhury, which desorved a 'red card'---however the ref decided that it woz 'a yellow' and the Lestaa player stayed on the pitch!---Ritchie wasn't so lucky and limped off 3 minutes into stoppage time! (0-1 at HT)

Again we came oot and started well az we attacked The Gallowgate End and the equaliser came 8 minutes into the 2nd half when a Schar free kick foond Willems in the box and he waz brought doon by a Lestaa defender!
Before we could shout "PENALTY!" the baall fell nicely to Muto and he had the easy task of side footin the baall into the goal to send the 20,000 faithful into raptures!

The game petered oot and unusually there woz nee extra time and the game went to a dreaded penalty shootout after the 90 minutes were up!  I say 'dreaded' az we have lost so many in the past and it woz to prove true yet again!
NUFC won the toss and opted for the penalties to be taken at The Gallowgate End where the vast majority of the crowd woz!

It wasn't to be however, and for the 10th time in wor history we lost a penalty shootout, 4-2 this time, with both Shelvey and Hayden havin their efforts saved by Schmeichel in the Lestaa goal! 

Lets face reality though!---NUFC wouldn't have won the cup anyway, once 'the big guns' joined the fray in the thord roond!

Changes made from Sporz startin' line up are in gold
Toon team: Darlow, Krafth (Manquillo 50), Clark, Fernandez, Schar, Ritchie (Atsu 45), Matty Longstaff, Hayden, Shelvey, Willems (Dummett 78), Muto

Attendance: 22,727 (anly 750 or so from Lestaa)
'The Geordie Times' predicted 19,000 to 20,000)

Explanation: Lestaa's nickname iz 'The Foxes'--hence 'The Basil Brush Brigade'!

THE TOON v THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE OF LESTAA *** LEEGUE CUP 2nd ROOND

Posted '2:05pm bells' Wedinzday 28th August 2019

THE FOXES ARE COMIN' TO TOON!

After wor excellent and unexpected victory ower Sporz on Sunday, we face 'The Basil Brush Brigade' (The Foxes!) at SJP in a '7:45 bells' kick off tooneet in The Carabao Leegue Cup!

 Wor heed coach 'Broken Nose Bruce' haz said that he will field a very strong line up, but with injuries concerns, we will see just how strong wor line up iz come kick off time?

"THE SIX SICKIES!"
We hear that Lascelles (calf), Atsu (muscle), Joelinton (groin), Almiron (ankle) and Schar (knock)  are aall doubtful to play and that Saint-Maximum (hamstring) will be oot for a while!
Aalso, we here that sub goalie Darlow will replace Dubravka! (Who ISN'T injured!)

So much for 'the promise' of playin a full strength team to try and win a cup! (That's 6 players oot from the Sporz win aalready!)
5 of those 6 are expected to make a miraculous recovery and shud be available for wor Premyaa Leegue game at home to Wotfaad on Saturday!!!???
Lestaa,we hear,will play a full strength team includin' a certain PEREZ! (remember him?)

A sub 16,000 crowd woz predicted before the Sporz game, but the suprize victory in norf London could well add a few thoosand to the gate and we predict that the attendance will be aroond aboot the 19,000- 20,000 mark, despite havin hord that Lestaa have anly sold 750 tickets--- 

Prices DOUBLE today from £5 for sprogs and zimmerframeites and £10 for big kids TO £10 and £20! az NUFC have done in the past! (Crazy--if yoo ask us, az it puts off  'walk up' fans who might have come!---but now probably wont!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear here sometime on Thorsday---but will we be 'in the hat' for the draw later tooneet!?



"DEAD AND BURYED!"

AFTER 134 YEARS BURY FCs TIME IZ UP!

One team who 'wont be in the hat' are Leegue One Bury FC, who have been hoyed oot of the EFL after they failed to provide the funds to carry on!
A guy called Steve Dale (who admitted that he had NEVER hord of them previously!) bought Bury for ONE POOND  last January and he re-mortgaged their groond to the tune of £1.5 million just after he bought them! 
They can't pay the mortgage repayments of course--and so their Gigg Lane home for 134 years (when they were founded) could be sold to a housin developer etc!
This shud send shockwaves aroond futbaall, az greedy speculators buy clubs they have nee interest in ('The Fat Controller' included!)

Bolton Wanabeez who are 142 years old, are in the same position, but have been given a 14 day stay of execution to find a buyer--or else they will be hoyed oot az well! (And they were in the Premyaa Leegue just 7 years ago!)

Its a good job that St. James' Park iz part of the Toon Moor and can NEVER be torned into a hoosin' estate by 'Yee naa who'!

PS: 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have been to Gigg Lane before!  The last time we played there woz for an NUFC resorve game against Moan U resorves in the 1990s

341, tottenham hotspur stadium

Ground number 341

(139th ground visited that has staged Football League/Premier League games, following NUFC) 
Date of First Visit: 25th August 2019 
The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, London

Tottenham Hotspur 0
Newcastle United 1 (Joelinton)

FA Premier League
Attendance 59,245 (3,000 Toon fans)
        

VIEW FROM ROW 15, SEAT 485, IN THE AWAY END

Forst of aall, apologeeez for bringin' yoo this story so lang after the final whistle. Thiz iz because I am still 'cattle trucked' after 22 hours on the road and rail to get to and from Sporz new abode!


"WE'VE GOT WOR MO-JOE BACK!"

With the train line between King's Cross in London and Peterborough closed for engineerin' work ower the bank holiday weekend, we decided to drive to Stockport near Manchester (aye!---STOCKPORT!) and catch a train to Euston (near King's Cross) instead!
This meant gettin' oot of bed at the ungodly hour of '4:30am bells' to make sure of gettin' to Stockport in time to catch the '9:30 bells' train!
It woz then 'onward' to London and we heeded not tooo far away from Tottenham for the pre match gargels in The Brownswood boozer!

After several 'liquid lubrications' it woz time to heed for anothaa boozer in Tottenham for the final one, before heedin for the brand new shinny stadium, 10 minutes away!
On closer inspection it looked like a giant biscuit tin that had been 'plonked' in the middle of a hoosin' estate, az we approached the away tornstiles!

"IZ THAT A BISCUIT TIN IN THE DISTANCE?"
THE HUGE STADIUM DWARFS THE HOOSES THAT SURROOND IT

At the 'stop and search' tornstiles, 'Sarnie Steve' had hiz 'half time sarnies' confiscated  by an over zelious steward and he woz 'non tooo pleazed' I can tell yoo! "The b*stards have nicked mee scran!" he angrily told us az he entered the concourse! (minus hiz carrier bag full of sarnies of course!) He iz now known az SarnieLESS Steve!😂


Anyway!--enough of that!---The sun shone brightly in the scorching  heat of ower 30 degrees as we entered the away end---A massive single tier terrace at the far end and 3 triple decker stands, made the stadium look huge az the game kicked off---the 59th groond that NUFC have played on in The Premyaa Leegue era (includin' Sporz at Wembley and SJP of course!)

TOON FANS HAVE TO SHIELD THEIR EYES FROM THE OLD 'CURRENT BUN' IN THE SKY

A goal from 40 million poond signin' in the 27th minute (hiz forst for us) sealed this game for 'The Orangemen' (we played in aall orange) when Atsu hit a precision pass to Joelinton and he made nee missteak with a left footed effort to score the one and anly goal of the game.

THE SCOREBOARD SHOWS THE SCORE!

IZ THAT A BIRD ON TOP OF THE ROOF?

This sent the 3,000 Toon fans in the visitors section wild with delight and despite huge pressure from the home side they just couldn't break doon wor resilient defence and we somehow managed to hold on and win wor inaugrial visit to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, which iz a very impressive venue indeed!

Dubravka made a brilliant stop just before the break from a Son effort and we aall thought 'iz this wor day'?---and it woz az the team who were 11/1  to win actually DID and one lucky Toon fan had a 3 poond bet on the 1-0 win and Joelinton scorin' it---and won £903!

Every Toon players deserves praise az we fought against aall the odds to win for the TENTH time at Sporz in the Premyaa Leegue era (9 times at White Hart Lane)

"V-A-R MY LORD V-A-R!"

There woz a dodgy moment near the end though when Kane and Lascelles 'tangled' in the box, with Sporz players claimin a penalty!
VAR woz used to see if it woz!  An anxious 2 minutes followed before the decision of 'NO PENALTY' woz given to the delight of the 3,000 faithful, who started singin "V-A-R MY LORD-V-A-R!"  (Brilliant!)

A totally unexpected victory indeed, when many feared a hammerin' (includin' little old me')
"OH WE OF LITTLE FAITH!"

Az Bugs Bunny would say, "That's aall for now folks!"

The jorney back woz a replica of the jorney doon via Euston, Stockport and Tyneside and aa got yem at '2:00am bells, nearly 22 hours after gettin' up and woz completely 'cream crackered' from the heat, the hootch and the diverted travel!

But woz it worth it?----yoo bet it woz!

Toon team: Dubravka, Krafth, Dummett, Schar, Lascelles (Fernandez 82), Richie, Hayden, Saun Longstaff, Joelinton (Muto 88), Almiron, Saint-Maximun (Atsu 17)

PS: Is this the best stadium in the world?---If not, it gans very, very close. Certainly it iz the best away groond I have been to, including' The Nou Camp and The San Siro Stadium!

SPORZ v THE TOON *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2:06pm bells' Friday 23rd August 2019
Updated '1:30pm bells'  Saturday

SPORZ'Z NEW STADIUM----BUT IZ IT THE BEST IN THE WORLD?

NUFC pay wor forst ever visit to The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on Sunday and the train companies have done 'their level best' and 'aall they can' to put us off gannin, by shuttin' King's Cross in London this bank holiday weekend and putting on replacement busses instead between Peterboro and London.
If we had decided to gan via Wakefield instead, we foond that the line iz shut somewhere near there az well!---it's a no brainer!

Wor 'new plan'? iz!---to drive to Stockport near Manchester (Yes!--STOCKPORT!) and catch a train to Euston station, which iz alang the road from King's Cross!---and dee the same on the way back!
There's NEE WAY that they will stop 'us' or the 3,000 othaa Toon fans, who are gannin by othaa various and complicated routes to "norf Landan!"

This will be the 59th Premyaa Leegue groond that we have played on (includin' Sporz at Wembley) and 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have (or course!) been to the previous 58 az well!
It haz been said that this is probably the best club stadium in the whole univorse---and az 'yours truely' haz been to well ower 300 groonds to watch 'the black 'n' whites', I will give yoo mee unequivocal <(we naa aall the big words!) verdict, in the match report on bank holiday Munday!

What will be the outcome come '6:30pm bells' on Sunday (when the match iz finished)? we just don't know, but many Toon fans (including 'us') fear a drubbin' by this Sporz team, who are ootside favourites to challenge 'The Blue Moonies' and 'The Liverbirds' for the Leegue title!

Az we divvint play till Sunday, we could well be rock bottom of the Premyaa Leegue before a goal iz kicked if Wotfaad and Sooothampton pick up even a solitary point! (Villa, who are just above us play Evaatin tooneet and if Evaatin win then Villa will gan below us on goal difference!) 
Update: Villa won 2-0!

Saint-Maximin and £40 million poond man Joelinton, are said to be fit now, so lets see how they fare in Sporz new 62,000 capacity stadium!?
The bad news is that Kane, Eriksson and Son will be fit for Sporz!😳
MATCH ODDS: Sporz 1/5 to win***NUFC 11/1 to win

Footnote: 'Broken Nose Bruce' iz now favourite to be the forst Premyaa Leegue manager/heed coach to be sacked!
He haz overtaken Palliss manager Roy Hodgson and hiz odds have been slashed from 8/1 to 4/1, with Hodgson's odds now 9/2
'THE SACK RACE':
Bruce 4/1 (NUFC)
Hodgson 9/2 (Palliss)
Gracia 13/2 (Wotfaad)
Lampard 13/2 (Chelski)


PS: Wor U23s take on Moan U U23s at SJP tooneet at '7:00 bells'
Admission iz via The East Stand and iz free to season ticket holders and members.
We will publish the result az soon az we find oot!

Updated '9:43pm bells'

Final score---
NUFC U23s 0   Moan U U23s 4 !  Att:904

SOME JOYOUS NEWS FOR THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!

Posted '3:59am bells' Thorsday 22nd August 2019

NEW MEADOW, SHREWSBURY

We have hord 'through the grapevine' that wor U21s EFL Trophy game away to Shrewsbury haz been moved to Tuesday 8th October with a '7:30 bells' kick off time.
Originally it woz due to be played in the same week az the 3th roond of The Leegue Cup, which meant it could 'clash' with a forst team game IF we get through against Lestaa in the 2nd roond!

The October slot haz NE forst team games that week and so it iz 100% certain that we will be able to gan and 'tick off' anothaa new leegue ground to add to wor forst ever visit to *Sporz new stadium next Sunday for a Premyaa Leegue game (KO 4:30 bells)---and to Macclesfeeeld's Moss Rose groond on Tuesday 3rd September for anothaa U21s game in the EFL Cup! (KO '7:45 bells')

*'The 92 Club' conform that The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium IZ a new Futbaall Leegue groond and NOT a 'rebuild' of White Hart Lane next door!

FROM 'THE 92 CLUB' WEBSITE

That's THREE new Leegue groonds in a TWO month period for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'!
"YAAH-HOOO!"

THE BLAME GAME---NOW ITS AALL WOR FAULT!

Posted '1:17pm bells' Wedinzday 21st August 2019

TO THE START OF THIS SEASON

'Fat Sam the Ugly Man', Chris Sutton, Tony Cascarino (and many othaas) have been putting 'the knife in' to Toon fans for wor lack of support for wor new general dogsbody,'yes man'---sorry!-- heed coach!

'Fat Sam' said on Talksport that with just 2 games 'in', Bruce iz gettin' as much stick as wor owner!
This is complete tosh!

I never hord one chant against Bruce in wor home game v The Arse or wor away game v Nohrich!

There WERE chants against 'The Fat Controller', (who wasn't there of course!) but not Bruce!

Let's get this straight!
Bruce woz 7th or 8th choice (or 13th in some papers!) and nee Toon fans wanted him!
Yet we are supposed to chant hiz name and say that 'he's one of our own! (The same 'Bruce' who celebrated wildly with the sund'lind fans when they scored a late equaliser in the Tyne/wear derby when he woz their manager!)

Hiz Premyaa  Leegue record iz the 2nd worst for any manager with 250 top flight games under their belt (Anly Bryan Robson haz a worse record!) and he haz been relegated 3 times with Bormingham, Hull and the SMBs (sacked before they were relegated) and been sacked 5 times and resigned 5 times from hiz 10 former clubs!
(Even 'The Tramp in a Tracksuit' Tony Pulis's win rate iz better than hiz!)

Yet we are told 'to give him a chance' and that hiz record 'stands up'???  Indeed it does in THE CHAMPIONSHIP! where he haz won promotion 4 times!----That I'm afraid iz 'hiz level'

AALL NUFC fans honestly want him to do well,  we reeely do, but if last Saturday's debacle against relegation favourites Nohrich iz anything to gan by, then we fear the worst (And so does hiz mate, Alan Shearer!)

So don't blame us---its not WOR fault IZ IT!? that we have an absent owner who haz got us relegated twice since he took the reigns! (up til now!) and appoints 'yes men' who will do az they are told! (Rafa and Keegan apart!)

PS: With 2 defeats aalready for NUFC, 'Broken Nose Bruce's win percentage rate haz now dropped to 27.92 and he iz closin' in fast on Bryan Robon's record of 26.8 percent!

NEW SWIMMING POOL FOR NUFC TRAININ' GROOND ANNOONCED!

Posted '2:10pm bells' Tuesday 20th August 2019

Followin' Rafa Benitez'z condemnation of NUFC's trainin' groond facilities, wor beloved MD known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans, coz he looks like the cartoon character off 'DANGER MOUSE', haz responded to the criticism!
He recently said: "Do we have a swimming pool or water facilities? NO!"---"Would we like to have it at some stage?"---"Absolutely!" 

However, since then, and to offset the criticism,  the club have invested heavily in a brand new swimming pool for the players to relax in---'Penfold' said: "We have went to great expense to provide a 'top of the range' £9.99 swimming pool from the Argos catalogue!" (pictured below)

"I am sure the fans will agree that we are at last movin' forward to compete with the Man City's, Liverpool's and Tottenham's of this world, with this 'world class facility' for the players and coaching staff , to show that we are all 'swimming' in the same direction!"

"BROKEN NOSE BRUCE---AND HIZ LATEST EXCUSE!"

Posted '4:24pm bells' Munday 19th August 2019

"ER!--GAN TO CONFUSED.COM!"???

Excuse number 1: NUFC 0 v THE ARSE 1

Bruce explains "Lack of communication!" which led to Jetro Williems, "Not knowing just where he waz playing!", when coming on as substitute just before Arsenal's goal, which won the game for the Londoners! (How did he not know where he was playin'???) 
NUFC are in 15th place after the weekends othaa results

Excuse number 2: NOHRICH 3 v NUFC 1
"Maybe we got caught up in Norwich's first home game!" 
Bruce's verdict after this horror show against one of the favourites to be relegated back to The Championship!
NUFC are in 18th place in the relegation zone after the weekends othaa results with just 2 games played!