"IT'S BEEN A VERY HAPPY EASTER INDEED!"

Posted '1:20pm bells' Tuesday 23rd April 2019 (St. Ge😊rge's Day) (The patron saint of Ing-er-land)

With The Toon securin' wor Premyaa Leegue survival ower the Easter weekend it haz been a very happy Easter indeed!
Ayoze Perez'z hat-trick in the 3-1 win ower Sooothampton on Saturday and Cardiff's 2-0 defeat to Liverpoool on Sunday meant that we couldn't be relegated!

Add in the fact that the SMBs 'f***** it up' 'big style' in their bid for automatic promotion from 'The Mickey Mouse Leegue One' on Easter Munday at Peetaaborough, (by concedin' a goal in stoppage time!), made it a great weekend for aall NUFC fans!

It remains to be seen wot happens against that 'thorn in their side', Portsmoooth FC next Saturday! ("Play up Pompey!")

On the same day NUFC travel to Brightin (or Falmer, 6 miles away, to be exact!) az they suffer relegation jitters, just above the drop zone!
There are now just 3 teams fightin to avoid the 3rd relegation place:
Cardiff, Sooothampton and of course Brightin

MEEENWHILE!--tooneet wor U23s side travel to Guiseley in west Yorkshire where we take on Leeedz U23s in the Premyaa Leegue Cup semi final!
Amazingly the game iz a complete aall ticket selloot and aa had a look at Guiseley's website, which says the groonds capacity is 4,000, while the record crowd at Nethermoor Park iz  2,486, which iz sure to be broken tooneet!
Leeedz are on 'a downer' az we speak az their 1st team lost 2-0 at Brentfaad yesterday, meenin' that automatic promotion back to The Premyaa Leegue iz out of their hands with just 2 games to play!

We were at Guiseley just 2 months ago (when we lost 3-1!) and az the game iz a selloot with nee cash tornstiles, many of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' wont be there to see if we can reach the final (see ground 338 for a match report on that game) 
'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', who haz managed to get hiz hand on a 'prized ticket', will be there tooneet , however, to represent 'The Geordie Times' (Aalso present wil be Dave from York and Alex of *St George (very appropriate on St George's day)
*Middleton St George near Teesside Airport!
  
A match report on tooneets game will be published tomorrow!

"WHEN WILL HE EVER LEARN?"

Posted '1:40pm bells' Easter Munday 22nd April 2019

With relegation to the 'abyss' now not possible because of Cardiff's 2-0 defeat to Liverpoool yesterday, thoughts torn to Rafa Benítez'z new contract take president!
It's seems to us that wor beloved? absent owner (he wasn't there again on Saturday!) 'The Fat Controller' iz the anly one who can't see the potential of this great club!

The fans are sick to death of fightin relegation or promotion battles season after season, when we shud be challengin' for a Europa Leegue place at least!
We know we cant compete with the so caalled 'big six' at the moment, but surely we can be a club that competes for one of the 'cups' at least!

Wor FA Cup record under wor absent owners leadership (or lack of it!) iz truly shockin', az we have NEVER got past the month of January in the competition since he took the reigns in 2007!---The same can be said for The Leegue Cup where we aalways eXit before Xmas!---that's THORTEEN (13) YEARS since we made February in one of the cups (v Cheltenham in 2006)

Failure to secure Rafa's contract before June 30th, when it runs oot, will be unforgivable and a downward spiral will aalmost certainly follow if we appoint yet another 'yes man' manager to replace Rafa! 

Of course there iz a smaall chance that 'The Fat Controller' will 'sell up', but just like a broken record that keeps repeatin' the same line of the same song, we've hord aall this before!----we've hord aall this before!---we've hord ---- ---- ------!

THE TOON 3 THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB 1 **** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:01am bells' Sunday 21st April 2019
Updated '9:00pm bells'

"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"

PEREZ (centre) HEEDS HOME FOR HIZ HAT-TRICK

"PEREZ PERFECTION!"

A supurb hat-trick by Ayoze Perez sealed a gre5at 3-1 victory at St. James' Park yesterday evenin'!

The game started off in brilliant sunshine and it woz a bit norvy in the orly stages with Sooothampton gannin close a couple of times az they attacked The Leazes End.

The tornin' point of the game came not lang after when Almiron woz blatently blocked by Prowse az he ran like a whippet doon the wing!---RED CARD?---NO! The ref gave Prowse a 'yellow one' instead much to the disgust of players, fans and the Toon dugout, where one of wor coachin' staff woz shown hiz own 'red card' for the protest and woz sent to the stand!

This fired the team and crowd up and not lang after a great cross from Rondon foond Perez who had ran a hundred yards to get a foot on the end of the baall and hit it across the goal and in off the far post at The Gallowgate End, to send the Toon faithful wild with delight!---JUSTICE!

3 mins later he got hiz 2nd when he got on the end of a baall in a similar position to fire home with the Sooothampton keeper well beaten!
There were more chances, but Rondon in particular, couldn't add to wor lead az hiz shot woz blocked inside the box!---2-0 half time!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)

We started very norvy in the 2nd period and were 'aall at sea' for the orly period, when disaster struck when Lemina hit a great shot past Dubravka in the Toon goal!

*'The Simon Templar Mob' then nearly equalised when Yoshida hit a shot ower the bar when it looked easier to score!----the nails were getting bitten and the hair pulled oot at this stage!

Ki then hit a great shot against the post at The Leazes End, but hiz shot rebounded back into play, rather than the back of the net!

ANOTHER VIEW OF PEREZ'Z HAT-TRICK GOAL!

However!---Perez had the last say when a heeder from a Sooothampton defender foond the heed of Matt Ritchie in the box.
Richie heeded the baall towards the goal and Perez got on to the end of it to heed past their keeper to seal hiz hat-trick and the 3 vital points to move us up to 12th in the table with 41 points----surely enough for safety now!
Rondon had a couple of more efforts saved az we ran the clock doon to claim the victory!

Defeat by Cardiff today against The Liverbirds will meen that we are definitely safe from 'the drop'

HAPPY TOON FANS STREAM UNDER THE CHINESE ARCH AFTER THE GAME!

*The Simon Templar Mob---an explanation: Simon Templar woz the star character of the hit TV series of the 1960s called 'The Saint' (Sooothampton's nickname) ---get it?

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Schar (Fernandez 69), Lascelles, Dummett, Ritchie, Perez, Ki, Hayden (Diame 78), Almiron (Atsu 64), Rondon

Attendance: 52,191 (1,500 Sooothampton fans)

"SHAFTED AGAIN BY SKY!"

After the match we heeded for various hostelries for the celebratory 'gargels' and it woz in The Bodega on Westgate Road that we foond oot that wor home game against The Liverbirds at '12:30 bells' had been moved to a ridiculous '7:45 bells' kick off on a Saturday neet, after SKY had originally advertised it at '12:30'

It iz very possible, but highly unlikely that shud Man City slip up in the title race, then Liverpoool could win the Premyaa Leegue at 'wor place', meeenin' that 20,000 Scousers could descend on the city centre---nearly aall withoot tickets, in a desperate bid to gain admission to the groond!

Aall day drinkin' will not help things of course--and there could be pandemonium before kick off time---thanx to SKY!
It's a wonder that the local 'Dibble' 'didn't put a spanner in the works' and demand a lunchtime start!

Updated '9:00pm bells'

'5:52 BELLS'---THE TIME WE WERE SAFE FROM RELEGATION TODAY!"

The Liverbirds won 2-0 at Cardiff this afternooon, meeeenin that the Welshmen cannit catch us now, az they anly have 9 points to play for and are 10 points behind us!
We watched the game in 'The Leazes End Club' and 'The Junction Bar' and wor safely woz conformed at the above time today when the ref blew the final whistle!

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON **** SATURDAY @ '5:30 BELLS'

Posted '12:53pm bells' Good Friday 19th April 2019
Updated Easter Egg Saturday '12:12pm bells'

ST. JAMES' PARK FROM STANHOPE STREET

"NEARLY THERE!---BUT NOT QUITE!"

With Cardiff's 2-0 win at Brightin through the week, it meeenz that NUFC are still not mathematically safe from relegation just yet!
A win for us tomorrow neet and a defeat for Cardiff at home to 'The Liverbirds' on Sunday will be enough, az the Welshmen will be 10 points behind us with anly 9 points to play for!

Both results are far from certain of course and with Sooothampton just below us in the table, it's anothaa six pointer for both clubs!

Wor home form iz shockin' of course and the defeat to Palace in wor last home game woz undeserved and unexpected!
However!---we picked worsels up for an excellent 1-0 win at Lestaa last Friday to propel us to 38 points and virtual safety---until 'The Taffy Noses' win at Brightin of course, putting them just 7 points behind us, in the last relegation place!

Uncertainty of Rafa's future continues with him tellin SKY SPORTS that hiz contract runs oot on June 30th and that nee progress haz been made! 
"We are at the same point!", he told the tv cameras!

Unless wor great club iz sold, then we fear Rafa could well depart and that anothaa relegation battle will ensue next season---yet again! 
(Provided we divvint gan doon this season of course!)

MEEENWHILE!---today (Good Friday) a'm heedin for 'The Heed' where they are playin a National Leegue game v Chesterfeeeld @ '3 bells' @ Gatesheed Stadium (discounted prices for NUFC season ticket holders)

A match report on that game will appear here at some point ower the weekend (see below!)

STOP PRESS!
Wor home game v The Liverbirds haz now been belatedly conformed!

THE HEEDBANGERS 1 THE CROOKED SPIREITES 0 *** NATIONAL LEEGUE

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 20th April 2019

STEVEN RIGG'S PENALTY PROVES DECISIVE!

"WE HEEDED FOR THE HEED via THE GREY NAGS HEED!"

'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheeed kept their thin hopes of a play off a place alive when the beat Chesterfeeeld at Gatesheed Stadium yesterday afternoon!
The day started off at 'The Heedbangers' HQ, which iz a bar caalled The Grey Nags Heed on Gatesheeed High Street!

It woz then onward to the stadium for the '3 bells' kick off where a good crowd by Gatesheeed's standard (ower a thooosand) woz boosed by 300 to 400 visitin fans in the stand opposite us!

CHESTERFIELD FANS IN THE FAR STAND

The Heedbangers fans were in good voice az they supported the team and slagged their absent owner off (where have we seen this before?)

He's caalled Joe Cala and protest banners aboot hiz runnin of the club were displayed by unhappy fans! (where have we seen this before?)

However!---their unhappiness torned to joy when they were awarded a penalty in the 17th minute and up stepped number 4 Steven Rigg to slam the baall into the net at the 'Scoreboardless End' (there used to be a huge scoreboard at this end, which haz mysteriously disappeared since the last time we were here!?)

It woz still 1-0 at the break and The Heed came oot in the 2nd half with aall guns blazin az they attempted to get the 2nd goal.

2nd HALF ACTION (THE HEED ARE IN BLACK n WHITE)

'The Crooked Spireites' (Chesterfeeeld's nickname, az the church in their toon centre haz a crooked spire!) wornt in the contest and the game petered oot! (The penalty had proved decisive!) 
Scores elsewhere meant that Gatesheeed are still in with a chance of the play offs---just a very smaall chance---but yi never naaa!

EASTLEIGH IN 7th PLACE HOLD THE LAST 'PLAY OFF' PLACE

GATESHEED ARE 4 POINTS BEHIND WITH JUST 2 GAMES LEFT TO PLAY!

It woz back to 'The Nags' after the game for a bit 'nag' and some more 'liquid lubrications' before heedin home! 

Attendance: 1,208

"WE WOZ THERE!"

ST. JAMES' PARK *** AZ YOUVE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE!

Posted '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 18th April 2019
                                
                         ST. JAMES' PARK --- POSSIBLE REDEVELOPMENT
                                            (With the pitch torned 90 degrees!) 

GALLOWGATE END (LEFT), MILBURN STAND (TOP), 

LEAZES END (RIGHT), EAST STAND (BOTTOM)
ANLY THE AREA IN BLUE WILL STAY THE SAME
THE YELLOW AREAS ARE NEW BUILD!

Some potty architect haz come up with the idea of tornin' St. James' Park into a 70,000 aall seater stadium!
To dee this the pitch must be torned 90 degrees with the goals facin' The Milburn Stand and The East Stand!

Havin' looked at the plans this would meen the demolition of the MAGnificent Milburn Stand to make way for the wider pitch and rebuildin it in some kind of lop-sided form (see plans)
The Gallowgate End would aalso have to be demolished and rebuilt! So where the hell would we play while the stadium iz bein rebuilt?
Gatesheed Stadium or Kingston Park?----Tooo small!
Or that 'god forsaken place' 11 miles away next to a smaall river? -------Surely not!---There'd be 'hell on'!
How aboot Wembley???---it's anly a 600 miles roond trip!

The rebuild would enble The Gallowgate End to be expanded and The Leazes End to have an extra tier added with residential apartments built into the back owerlookin Leazes Park!

The East Stand would remain exactly az it iz because of the restriction of Leazes Terrace behind it!

It seems crazy to us to pull a perfectly good stand doon and replace it with the lop-sided development!

                                          ST. JAMES' PARK---AZ IT LOOKS NOW

GALLOWGATE END (LEFT), MILBURN STAND (TOP, 

LEAZES END (RIGHT), EAST STAND (BOTTOM)

I'm nee architect, just a daft truck driver!, but surely it would be better to leave The Milburn Stand az it iz and build anothaa tier ON TOP of The Gallowgate End and at the back of The Leazes End, which would cost far less money and increase the capacity to 65,000(ish)!---surely that's enough?

Aall this iz in the pipeline of course and we await with baited breath to see exactly will happen next!----(who naaz at this daft futbaall club?)

LAST GAME OF SEASON AT FULIM **** EXTRA TICKETS AVAILABLE! *** AT A PRICE!

Posted '3:06pm bells' Wedinzday 17th April 2019
Updated '10:15pm bells' 

"IT'S TIME TO RE-MORTGAGE YOUR HOOSE 

IF YOO WANT TO SIT HERE!"

With wor 2nd last away game Brightin sold oot, that leaves wor last away game at Fulim to grab tickets! (70 loyalty points needed---(ie: you must have been to at least 70 away games since the loyalty scheme came in, in the 1990s)

Because of Fulim's relegation 2 weeks ago, they have taken the unusual step and put tickets in their 'neutral section' in 'The Putney End' on general sale!

Toon fans with away tickets in this end will be charged a maximum £30, while those in the neutral section next to the away section will be charged DOUBLE BUBBLE!---That's reet "SIXTY QUID!" (£60) to watch from the same end!!!

Az yoo will probably naa, the maximum away ticket price that any club can charge iz £30 at the moment!----It doesn't bear 'finkin' aboot! 
Shud this 'price cap' for away fans not be in place, then we would get 'wor eyes taken oot' by this greedy club!
Just az well they are heedin for 'the abyss' of The Championship once more, after just one season back in The Premyaa Leegue!

MEEENWHILE!
Keep and eye on tooneets Champions Leegue tie between Porto and The Liverbirds, who are 2-0 up from the 1st leg of their qwaataa final tie.
If Liverpoool progress az expected, then wor  home game against them on Sunday 5th May at '4:30 bells' will be changed to the day before, az they will be in semi final action on Tuesday 7th May

SKY want a ridiculous '7:45 bells' kick off (WOT! on a Saturday neet?) and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that they will get their way if this kick off time iz to be beleeeved!
(The game woz originally scheduled for a '3 bells' Saturday kick off until SKY changed it to Sunday for live telly!)

Updated '10:15pm bells'

The Liverbirds won 4-1 in Porto, so wor home game against them will definately be on that Saturday---kick off time at SKY's bequest!😨

"AALL EYES ON THE AMEX!"

Posted '2:44pm bells' Tuesday 16th April 2019
Updated '9:45pm bells'

NUFC LAST SEASON AT THE AMEX STADIUM

Tooneet 'Ne Where Near Brighton' (their groond iz miles away from Brighton!) play 'The Taffy Noses of Cardiff', in wot iz likely to be a relegation decider!
IF Brighton win then they will be 2 points behind us!
IF Cardiff win they will be 7 points behind us!
IF Brighton lose then Cardiff will anly be 2 points behind them!

In othaa words; IF Cardiff lose then it will be virtually impossible for them to catch US, az they will anly have 4 games left and are 10 points adrift AND we have a much superior goal difference, which iz worth anothaa point!

A draw therefore will be the best result for US az they will both drop 2 points!

NUFC have got to gan to Brighton a week on Saturday for wor penultimate away game!

We are, of course, virtually safe now from relegation to the 'abyss', with 38 points---but not mathematically---yet! 

38 GAME SEASON

Updated '9:45pm bells'

IT'S STILL NOT DONE AND DUSTED!

'The Taffy Noses' won 2-0 at Brighton, meenin that they are now 7 points behind NUFC with 4 games to play!

ie: We still need sommik from wor home game against Sooothampton this comin Saturday!😨

NUFC U23s v MOAN U U23s *** TOONEET @ SJP

Posted '4:14pm bells' Munday 15th April 2019
Updated '10:10pm bells'

VIEW FROM THE EAST STAND OF A PREVIOUS U23s GAME v WULVZZ

Tooneet wor U23s take on Moan U U23s in the last scheduled game of the regular season at St. James' Park in Premyaa Leegue 2, division 2
(NUFC are guaranteed a place in the end of season play-offs and so possibly anothaa game could take place at HQ) 

The game kicks off at '7 bells' and admission iz free to season ticket holders and members and £3 for 'big kids' and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframe-ites who divvint have season tickets!
Anly the East Stand iz open az per usual for an U23s game.

The sun iz shinin' az aa speak and a good crowd iz anticipated (2,000 plus!---which iz 'good' for an U23s game!)

Updated '10:10pm bells'

"SECOND STRING SIDE STUFFED!"

NUFC U23s suffered a heavy home defeat when we were beaten 5-0 by Moan U U23s tooneet!😨

PS: We were wrang aboot wor attendance prediction az anly 1,172 torned up---includin' THREE coach loads of excitable kids who had travelled from NORFOLK to follow Moan U? 

RIGHT CHARLIES!

Posted '8:14pm bells Saturday 13th April 2019

C Chaplin scored Coventry's 5th goal, in their dramatic 5-4 win at sund'lind today!

*LET'S GIVE THE mackems SOME 'STICK'!😅