"WEAZE KEYZ ARE THEAZE!"?

Posted '9:00pm bells Sunday 27th January 2019

On this day 29 years ago NUFC played Reading away in the FA Cup at Elm Park!


A classic match report on that game iz printed below!
(ground number 91)

091 (revisited) elm park, reading

Ground 091 (revisited)

Date of Visit: 27^th January 1990

Elm Park, Reading

Reading  3

Newcastle United  3  (McGee (2), Quinn)

FA Cup 4th round

Attendance: 11,989 (est 2,000 Toon fans)

“Wheaze keyz are theaze?”

Several of us set off from ‘The Central’ on an orly train to King’s Cross sufferin’ from hangowers from the previous neet ‘binge session’ in ‘The Forth’, ‘The Star’ and ‘The Waterloo’, etc

We’d played ‘The Biscuitmen’ @ Elm Park for the forst time ever in The Leegue Cup orlier that season when we lost 3-1 and unbelievably we drew them away again in the FA Cup!

On arrival in ‘the smoke’ we made for Paddington where the train to Reading waz leavin’ from. Elm Park wasn’t far from the station and we did several ‘liquid lubrication locations’ on the way and by the time we got to the ground we were ‘canny snozzled’!

We took up wor places on the open standin’ terrace behind the goal, just in time to see the kick off.

Behind this open end there were a row of terraced hooses with their back gardens backin’ onto the perimeter wall. An old wifey waz hangin’ hor washin’ on a line, which included a very large pair of ‘pantaloons’! <(bloomers!) which she fastened with some clothes pegs she had in hor mouth!

The game kicked off and straight away The Toon went for the ‘jugular’. After a few chances we finally took the lead in the 27^thminute when a Ray Ranson free kick on the edge of the box foond the heed of Mickey Quinn and he nodded the baall goalwards. The baall went in off the post az the Reading goalie got a hand to it, but couldn’t stop it enterin’ the net! --- 1-0 to ‘us’!

The lead didn’t last lang however az Bjorn Kristensen lost possession and the baall finally fell to the feet of full back Lindon Jones and he fired the baall past Burridge in the Toon goal --- 1-1!

A quick throw in a few minutes later allowed ‘Quinny’ to have a ‘half shot’ which foond the grateful Mark McGee and he had the simple task of puttin’ the baall into an empty net to restore wor lead az their goalie went ‘AWOL’! ---2-1 to ‘us’!

Disaster them befell us again on the stroke of half time when ‘Quinny’ attempted a back pass to ’Budgie’ Burridge but the baall foond Senior instead and he slid the baall into the net az Stimpson tried to whack it clear, but the linesman flagged to say that the baall HAD crossed the line! --- 2-2 nuw!

Again we re-took the lead orly in the 2^nd half when a Ranson left footed shot waz parried by Francis in the Reading goal, but the baall fell nicely to Mark McGee who gleefully knocked home the rebound! –3-2 to ‘us’!

However!---this iz NUFC and 3 minutes into injury time the home side again drew level when a disastrous 40 yard back pass from John Gallacher, who waz under ne pressure, foond Reading winger Gilkes instead and he had the easy task of knockin’ the baall past Burridge to complete the greatest give-away since the invention of the January sales!!!

After the match we heeded straight back to Reading station and caught the forst train back to Paddington, where (again!) a canny few pints were shifted doon wor ‘gregorys’ and it waz at this point we lost ‘Fawlty Towers’ who waz a bit ‘cattle-trucked’ to say the least!

It waz then ‘onward’ to Hammersmith where we bumped into ‘Malla’, an exiled Geordie who worked in London az a painter and desercrator <(No!—this iz not a spellin’ error!) alang with several other exiles who worked doon there. Malla used to de hand drawn cartoons aboot the exploits of hiz fellow companions and called it “ER!” ‘The Geordie Times’! <(where we got the name from for this blog!)

Malla had digs opposite Charing Cross Hospital on Fulham Palace Road and he telt me aa could ‘doss’ there for the neet before catchin’ the train yem the next mornin’!

After many more ‘liquid lubrications’ in ‘The Swan’ and various othaa waaterin’ holes aroond Hammersmith we heeded off to ‘Malla’s pad for some much needed ‘shut-eye’---he said “This iz where aa live!” az he pointed towards a row of aboot 30 terraced hooses opposite Charing Cross Hospital and he invited me in!

“Aa’m starvin’!” said I (haadin’ mee beer-gut!) az Malla produced a very large bunch of keys to open the door! “There’s a fish shop and a chingkeez doon the road if yi want a ‘nose bag’!—Here’s the keys to let yersel back in!”, he said az he handed them to me (There were keys for hiz hoose, van and place he waz workin’ amongst others!)

So ‘off aa went’, trundlin’ doon the road from side to side and by pure chance aa bumped into ‘Tex’ Taylor who had been drinkin’ with us orlier on!

“Aa’m stoppin’ at Malla’s place up the road!”, aa said to Tex, “But aa’m gaannin for a ‘nose-bag’ forst coz aa’m claamin’—like!”

He followed me to ‘the chingkeez’ where 2 chicken currys with chips, fried rice and wontongs were consumed on the way back to Malla’s hoose and aa spilt half the curry sauce doon the front of mee Toon top!

The anly problem WAZ!---aa couldn’t remember which door it waz???—Aa took a wild guess and tried the keys in a front door lock, but it wouldn’t turn ---and so aa knocked loudly and sleepy eyed gadgie built like a Masai warrior who waz wearin’ a dressin’ gown and  a snazzy pair of carpet slippers (eventually!) came doon and answered the door <(ie: NOT Malla coz he’s a skinny c**t!) and he waz ‘non too pleezed’ to be awoken from hiz slumbers by 2 drunken Geordies! --“Sorry mate!—wrang hoose!” aa said sheepishly az he angrily slammed the front door in wor faces, mutterin’ sommik not very nice in a broad ‘Landan’ accent! <(“Fackin’ Cockney bustard!”)

 

FULHAM PALACE ROAD---"BUT WHICH DOOR?"

Not wantin’ to risk anothaa confrontation like that! and not havin’ a clue which waz Malla’s door, we decided to try and find somewhere else to kip for the night and heeded off back doon the road!

“Aa naa where there’s some railway sidings---We can climb into a carriage and get some sleep on the seats!”, said Tex

And so---‘off we set’ to find wor beds for the neet---it wasn’t that far away and so we sneaked onto a train in the sidings and ‘crashed oot’! “ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!”

Aboot 2 hours later aa felt a ‘jolt’ and opened mee ‘mincers’ and looked oot the window---

“TONY!” aa shouted <(Tex’s othaa name) “THE PLATFORM’S MOVIN’!”

Tex awoke suddenly and said, “It’s NOT the platform that’s movin’ yi daft C***!---It’s the F***IN’ TRAIN!”

PANIC STATIONS!!!—The train went for a few miles and suddenly stopped at Harringay Station!---It waz time to make A SHARP exit az we didn’t have a clue just where the train waz gannin’!

On alighting from the train aa fumbled in mee pocket and produced a large bunch of keys which I damgled in front of Tex

“Where did yi get them from?” he said  “Aa havvent got a clue?”  aa replied in a drunken stupor and az they were weighin’ mee pocket doon aa hoyed them away onto the railway tracks!

We then made wor way in the direction of King’s Cross, az by this time it waz ‘5 bells’ in the mornin’ and the forst train back yem waz due in!  Az we sobered up around aboot the Durham area the realisation ‘HIT ME’ that the ‘MYSTERY KEYS’ were wot Malla had given me to get into hiz flat!!!

Luckily! <(for me!) there were ne mobile phones in them days and Malla didn’t have my land-line number, so he couldn’t rant and rave at me!---until the next time we met at least!

Next day aa went doon to ‘The North British Bar’ (since renamed ‘Raffertys’) in Pink Lane near to ‘The Central’ where a’d arranged to meet Fawlty Towers’ who we’d lost at Paddington the day before and had never seen since!?

On orderin’ mee ‘liquid lubrication’ the ‘telling-bone’ rang behind the coontaa and the manager asked if there waz a ‘Fink’ in the bar! <(remember?---NE mobiles in them days!)

Aa reluctantly put mee hand up and hoped (and prayed) that it WASN’T Malla on the othaa end!---Thankfully It WASN’T—it waz ‘Fawlty’ to my great relief!

“Are yi comin’ doon for a a few ‘gargels’?” aa asked him!

“A’m in SOUTH WALES!---aa got the wrang train!—thought aa waz in King’s Cross, NOT Paddington and ended up in CARDIFF!”  <(yi couldn’t make it up!)

“SO!—yi NOT comin’ for a drink then!”, aa replied az he slammed the phone doon at the othaa end!

A few weeks later in ‘The Adelphi’ aa bumped into Malla ,  who waz non too pleased to see me!  “Where’s mee keys like?” he said in a not too friendly voice!

Wot could aa say???---aa just shrugged mee shoulders and bought him a pint to calm him doon!

“Aa had to get some new keys cut for mee hoose, van and work and mee landlord and work’s gaffer were NOT ‘happy bunnies’ when aa telt them a’d lost their keys!”

However!---He understood (from forst hand experience!) that the ravages of alchohol de funny things to your brain cells and he haz half forgiven me! <(Aa ‘fink’?)

To this day aa caall him “Wheayz Keyz Malla” and produce a bunch of rattlin’ keys from mee pocket when aa see him---just to remind him---like! <(NOT that he’ll ever forget!)

PS: We won the replay 4-1 with Mark McGee (2), Micky Quinn and Mark Robinson getting’ wor goals---(this waz Robinson’s one and anly goal for NUFC)

We never played @ Elm Park again <(Reading have moved on to ‘pastures new’)

A TOON X1, 0 --- A WOTFAAD X1, 2 *** FA CUP 4TH ROOND

Posted '10:43am bells' Sunday 26th January 2019

FREDDIE WOODMAN TAKES A GOAL KICK IN THE FORST HALF

(VIEW FROM ROW 'QQ' IN THE GALLOWGATE END)

"13 IN A ROW!---OUT WE GO!"

It won't take lang to write this match report!----For the 13th season in a row we failed to get into February and the 5th roond of the FA Cup under 'The Fat Controller's 'reign'! (He wasn't there of course!)
And this for a club that haz played in 13 FA Cup finals-----aall in the distant past!

SPOT THE 18,000 EMPTY SEATS?

The forst half can be summed up in one word: "SHOCKIN'!", az it truely woz, az we attacked The Leazes goal!
Mebeez the word 'attacked' iz the wrang one, az we didnt have one solitary shot on target in the whole half!
Playin yet anothaa 'scratch X1' in this competition with Woodman in goal to Joselu at centre forward, yoo just knew that this would be 'anothaa bad day at the office'!

2nd HALF 'INACTION' AZ WE 'ATTACK? THE GALLOWGATE GOAL!

The 2nd half woz even worse az we conceded 2 bad goals, the forst on the hour mark and the 2nd near the very end, that had the vast majority of the 33,000 Toon fans heedin for the exits!
Wor 'beloved? owner 'The Fat Controller' wasn't there to hear the protests against him (again) with repeated chants of "Get out of our club!", "Stand up if yoo hate-----!"('yee naa who') and worse!
'Lucky him' for missin' this debacle!

We did actually have ONE shot on target, ("Wow!") from Manquillo, and Prerez went close az well, but it woz aall too little tooo late!

Wot made the defeat even more gallin' ,woz the fact that Wotfaad played a 'scratch X1' az well! 

We just didn't look interested, which begs the question, just why did we enter the competition in the forst place?
TWO words can describe wor performance at the end:
"TRUELY SHOCKIN'!"

Toon team: Woodman, Manquillo, Fernandez (Shcar 81), Lascelles, Clark, Ritchie( Atsu 73), Murphy (Perez 72), Hayden, Longstaff, Kennedy, Joselu

Attendance: Just 34,604 (1,400 Elton John Mob devotees!)

*PS: Grandson Jamie aged 9, who I take to the games, wanted to leave after the 2nd goal! 
I told him that he had to "lorn to suffer" like the rest of us and made him stay til the final whistle by putting my legs across the seats to stop him gettin' oot!
(Am I a cruel grandad ---or wot?)

In othaa news ---it woz reported that Jordan Lakaku, who demanded a large wage packet, failed hiz medical in the loan deal that collapsed------now we naa why!

"THANKFULLY JORDAN FAILED THE MEDICAL!

HE IZ HMV POSITIVE!"

*

TELLY TIMES FOR MARCH RELEASED!

Posted '1:55pm bells' Thorsday 24th January 2019
Updated Friday '4:27pm bells'

"APRIL FOOL!---YET ANOTHAA MUNDAY NEET AWAY GAME!"

The NUFC fixtures in March changed for live telly---Up til now every game in that month had a Saturday '3 bells' kick off time!
SKY have picked 2 of wor 4 games , while BT have yet to decide on the games they will cover!

Sat 2nd March: The Jellied Eels Mob of West Ham (away)KICK OFF CHANGE
Now at '5:30 bells' kick off (SKY)

Sat 9th March: The Toffee Noses of Everton (home) '3 bells'?

Sat 16th March: Bournemoooth (away) (FA Cup 6th roond day) '3 bells'?

Sat 23rd March: International break from 18th to 26th March

Sat 30th March: The Arse (away) CANCELLED!
Now APRIL FOOLS DAY (Munday) '8:00 bells' kick of (SKY)
This meeenz that we have played ONE home game for live telly and this will be wor 14th (FOURTEENTH!) away from home!
Where's the justice in it aall????

* The Geordie Times will of course bring yoo the fixture changes for BT az soon az we find oot! 

PS: Wor home game v Bornley haz been moved az well---from Wed 27th Feb to Tue 26th Feb for a live BT broadcast ('8 bells' ko)

*

THE TOON v WOTFAAD *** FA CUP 4th ROOND *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2:50pm bells' Friday 24th January 2019

A VIEW TO DIE FOR!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS

STRAWBERRY PLACE

AND THE GALLOWGATE END

FROM SOHO BAR

We return to FA Cup action after wor 4-2 win at Bleakburn the othaa week in the thord roond replay, when we play Wotfaad at SJP tomorrow at '3 bells'!

We fully expect anothaa weakened FA Cup X1 team to torn oot, with a game against the current champions Man City next Tuesday on the horizon!

Wotfaad, who we beat at home in a leegue game orlier this season (1 of anly 3 home wins!) will probably field a full strength team, az they are safe from relegation and too far away from a European places!
ie: They may az well 'gan for it' and will be favourites to progress to the 5th roond----a roond we have never reached under 'The Fat Controller's leadership! (The last time we reached the 5th roond woz 13 years ago in 2006!)

Premyaa Leegue survival iz more important and with anly SIX days of the transfor window left, the silence iz (once again!) deafenin' regardin' any PERMANENT new signings to add to wor weak squad!

Lets face it!--'we' won't win the FA Cup anyway, will we?
Although it would be a very nice distraction from the rigours of the leegue to reach the fifth roond after 13 years of abject failure in the competition!
'The Elton John Mob' have been allocated 6,000 tickets for the top deck of The Leazes End---however!--we anly expect a thoosand or so to travel up from Hertfordshire!
We 'fink' a crowd approachin' 40,000 will be in attendance, including thoosands of screamin' kids, who will get in for 'a fiver'! 

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here az per usual on Sunday, alang with any transfor news!

A BYGONE ERA---THE LAST TIME NUFC WON THE CUP WOZ IN THE 1950's

WHEN YOO COULD BY A PINT OF BEER FOR '1s/3p' (6 pence!)
JACKIE MILBURN IZ INTRODUCED

TO PRIME MINISTER WINSTON CHURCHILL BEFORE THE 1952

FA CUP WIN v ARSENAL 

THE TOON ARE 19th RICHEST IN WORLD***YET WE CANNIT COMPETE WITH BOURNEMOOOTH!

Posted '4:14pm bells' Thorsday 24th January 2019

The latest Delotte 'money leegue' places NUFC in 19th place in the world rankins with a revenue of  £173 million quid!---a 108% increase!

Yet we must get players on loan like Jordan Makaku from Lazio, who haz played just ONE game for the Italian club this season, because of a knee injury! (anothaa crock?)

WE cannit even complete with Bournemoooth, who's groond capacity iz less than non leegue Gatesheed's!

Wot a situation to be in, feedin' on 'the scraps' that othaa clubs divvint want, and its aall one fat man's fault, who's fat wallet gets fatter and fatter by the minute!

GEORDIE TIMES BREAKIN' NEWS! *** LUKAKU HEEDS FOR TOON!

Posted '2:27pm bells' Thorsday 24th January 2019

NUFC have agreed a loan deal for LUKAKU!
Unfortunatly it isn't the Man U striker, its hiz bruvver Jordan who plays for Lazio in Italy and iz a defender!

Apparentleee he haz played just ONE game aall season because of a knee injury!----soonds aboot reet and shows the plight we are in under 'The Fat Controller's leadership????

"WHERE'S THE S***** D***** SIGNS GONE FROM THE PLAYERS TUNNEL?"

Posted '4:15pm bells' Wedinzday 23rd January 2019

Congtrats to Paul Dummett for collectin' an award for completin' 100 Premyaa Leegue games with NUFC.

The picture shows Paul with hiz award in the NUFC players tunnel, which mysteriously haz lost the ugly red, white and blue advorts which were plastered aall ower the tunnel for a certain sports company----and above the 'HOWAY THE LADS' sign!
(NOT that we're complainin'---like!)


In othaa news, 2 loan signins are in the offin' before the January transfor window closes in EIGHT days time----We thought az much!---loan signins are aboot the best we can expect theeze days from wor skinflint owner! 

NOTTS COONTY U23s v THE TOON U23s *** FA PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP *** KO '2:00 BELLS'

Posted from '2:00pm bells' Tuesday 22nd January 2019

TEAM SHEET

Latest score: 1-0 'up'!  Sam Osborne (22nd minute)
Correction: 1-0 'doon'! (Osborne iz one of their players (didn't check team sheet!)😲
(Wot did yoo expect from 'The Geordie Times'?)

Latest score: 2-0 to 'them'  (Ellott Ward 58th minute)
Latest score: 2-1 Mo Sangare pull one back for us! (69th minute)
Latest score: 2-2 Kelland Watts saves the day! (88th minute)
FT: 2-2

THE TOON ARE IN THE LIGHT BLUE STRIP

(NOTTS COONTY PLAY IN BLACK N WHITE STRIPES AZ WELL!)
Thanx to 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' for pic and team sheet!

HT score: 1-0 to 'us'---correction, to 'them'

FT score: 2-2

Attendance: Not many! 120 ish,  7 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!

"HOLD THE BACK PAGE!" *** THE FAT CONTROLLER MAKES A RECORD SIGNING!

Posted '1:26pm bells' Tuesday 22nd January 2019

Sensational news reaches The Geordie Times!
Wor 'beloved' owner??? 'The Fat Controller' haz finally put hiz hand in hiz pocket and signed a record deal!

Wor new record signing! *** Jamaal LASSIEcelles!

MEEENWHILE!---in othaa news, wor U23s are in 
action in less than an hours time @ The Manor 
Groond, Ilkeston, where we take on Notts Coonty 
in The Premyaa Leegue Cup!

If yoo are gannin' yoo had better hurry up az
 KO iz @ '2 bells'!

Admission iz £3 for big kids and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites!

The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers have been 
here before (beleeeve it, or not!) when we played 
Ilkeston in an FA Youth Cup tie 4 years ago and 
a match report on that game iz printed in the 
article below! (ground number 318)

At least 3 of 'The Hoppers' will be there again, 
includin' 'Glennn from Ashington', 'Biffa the Beer' 
and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and we 
hope to get some pix from them in the next few hours!

Watch this space for a match report from one of them!

NEWS FLASH!
Here iz the team sheet for todays game sent by 'Blondie' Alan!