NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS OUTRAGE!

Posted ''4:00am bells' Thorsday 19th July 2018

The draw for the Checkatrade Trophy haz been made and to the fury of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' wor resorve U21s have been drawn against 3 teams who's groonds we have been te before and 2 of them wear the famous black n white stripes!
We travel to Donny Rovers, Notts Coonty and Grimsbee in the next couple of months instead of Fleetwood, Rochdale and Macclesfield, where we have never been before!

'The Dibble' have aalso interfered with the forst roond draw and have prevented a possible clash between sund'lind's forst team and The Toon's U21 side, fearin that NUFC fans will take the P**s!
 (Az if we would!😅)

But just suppose that both sund'lind and NUFC U21s progress to the final!
What will they do then!!!???

Its a fix! its a fix! its a fix!

                                                     "Hello! Northumbria police here!
                            There's no way that Newcasil reserves can play sund'lind's first team!"

335 richmond park, st patricks athletic

Ground number 335
Date of First Visit: 17th July 2018
Richmond Park, Dublin

St Patricks Athletic 0
Newcastle United 2 (Longstaff, Atsu (pen)

Friendly fixture
Attendance: 5,000 (est)
(Most of them Toon fans)


DISASTER DAYS! (part 66!)
"THE FERRY JAWNEE FROM HELL!!!"😨

ATSU PENALTY

This woz mee 335th groond and worst expierience ever for things gannin wrang!
To cut a very VERY! long story short we left Barrow on the '4:50am bells' train and arrived ootside St Pats groond some 14hours 25minutes later! (We'd seen wor U23s beat Barrow 3-2 the neet before!)
(I will explain aall when aa get more time---doin this sittin in Dublin airport waitin for flight back to Toon!)

After a very quick pint in the 'Tom  Tavey', not far from the groond we went in to see the stands and terraces packed with mainly Toon fans in their black n white garb!

We took up wor positions behind the goal with seconds to spare and straight away The Toon went for 'the jugular'

Az per usual in theeze games there were 2 teams playin (for 'us') in each half and a total of 20 players got some game time!
We eventually took the lead in the 41st minute when Saun Langstaff hit a raspin left footer into the corner of the net!

We had to wait til near the end of the 2nd period for wor 2nd goal when a penalty woz awarded for a foul in the box on Dwight Gayle!
Kenedy wanted to take it BUT Atsu did az well and 'hid' the baall up hiz shirt!

 Atsu then put the baall on the spot and hit the baall doon the centre of the goal past Murphy in the St Pats goal to secure the win!

The match ticket!

TOON TEAM(S)
1st half: Darlow, Manquillo, Lejeune, Yarney, Aarons, Ritchie, Diame, Langstaff, Fernandez, Perez, Joselu

2nd half: Sels, Yedlin, Clark, Yarney, Roberts, Shelvey, Atsu, Langstaff, Armstrong, Kenedy, Gayle

Much more on wor horredous jorney when aa get back yem
Cheers! Fink

THE JAWNEE FROM HELL TIMELINE:
'Midneet bells': After the Barrow game we heeded for The Furness Railway bar where we were eventually chucked oot coz they were closin'!

We were told that there WOZ a bar nearby that woz open til '3:30am bells' caalled Traditions, so we heeded there at 'breakneck speed'! (Divvint tell wor lass az aa told hor that I would be tucked up in the hotel bed by 12!)

After a session 'there' it woz time for some rest and we then dragged worsels to the train station to catch the forst train oot of town at '4:50am bells' and then 'onward' to Holyheed to catch the 11:30am fast ferry to Dublin which takes 2 hours!

'10:55am bells'
The train pulled in 20 minutes late but we still had ower half an hour to catch the ferry we were booked on!
And then!!!---horror upon horror!----the 30 odd people on the delayed train were telt that CHECK IN HAD CLOSED AND WE COULDN'T GET ON THE FERRY!!! 
Aall hell then broke lose az many needed to catch THAT ferry---includin' 'us'!

Wor protests were aall in vain and we very reluctently booked on the next ferry at '2:00pm bells'
This ferry woz 'the slow one' which takes ower 3 hours to get to Dublin!

'12:45pm bells'
We make sure that we will catch this one and check in orly!
'1:00pm' we board the bus to take us to the ferry BUT it gets stopped at the entrance to the ferry alang with loads of trucks and we wait and wait---and wait!
Glennn from Ashington starts panickin az time iz gettin on!
1 hour later and after chokin on the exaust fumes we eventually board the ferry late at it leaves at '2:30pm bells'

'5:40pm bells'
We arrive in Dublin BUT are told that because there are so many foot passangers (coz they couldnt get on the last ferry!) that we would have to wait to dissembark!

We are eventually 'allowed' to leave and board the bus to the centre of Dublin!

Passengers have everything from huge suitcases, prams and double base instraments with them! and we can hardly move an inch!
One lass with a pram asks me to move, but I told hor that there woz a window in the way and I wasnt gannin to smash my way through it just so she could 'park hor porple pram'!

SPOT THE DOUBLE BASE AND THE PORPLE PRAM!

We'd contacted 'John from Ireland' and hiz son Ciaran to get us some tram tickets so we wouldnt have to queue and by the time the bus got to the city centre at '6:50pm bells' the tram ticket were invalid az they had a 90minute time limit on them that ran oot at '6:45pm bells'! (I know!---yi couldnt possibly make it up--could yi?)

The tram ticket says its valid til 18:44

but its now 18:50!😨

A taxi woz then hailed and got us to the groond with barely half an hour to spare at '7:15pm bells' and we dived into Tom Taveys bar for a quick liquid lubrication before the '7:45pm bells' kick off! The jawnee from Barrow had taken us ower FOURTEEN HOURS!😨
See match report above!

Toon fans John from Ireland and hiz son Ciaran enjoy a celebratory drink in 'Coffy's

after the game!

After the match we heeded for Coffey's bar alang the road from the groond and then finished off in The Confession Box in the centre of Dublin next to wor hotel

And I had a confession to make!  I woz absoluutlee worn oot by this time!

PS: I flew back on Munday and it took 50 minutes which woz less time than we were stuck on the bus at the ferry port!!!😨

U23s, 1st TEAM, U18s *** THE PRE SEASON STARTS TOMORROW!

Posted '10:45am bells' Sunday 15th July 2018

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' face a hectic week!
We travel to Barrow tomorrow neet for wor U23s game at Holker Street and then onward by train and ferry to Dublin for wor forst team's game a day later against St Patricks Athletic, who play at Richmond Park.

RICHMOND PARK, DUBLIN

We then fly back on Wednesday and then prepare for an epic 9 and a half hours train jorney to Cornwall, where wor U18s are playin in a tournament next weekend in a place caalled Mousehole, which iz just 10 miles from Lands End!

A PENALTY SHOOTOUT AT MOUSEHOLE FC LAST SEASON!

Match reports will be done on mee 'bottom of the range' mobile 'telling bone', so pleeze expect some misstakes and errrorz! (especially after a 'session on the hoy'!)

PS: Wor U23s were rumoured to be playin' Hamilton Accies at Stirling University in Scotland next Sunday---but az yet we have received ne conformation of this! (It wouldn't matter to us anyway, az we'd be unable to gan az we fly back from Exeter at the exact time az the Stirling game iz due to be played!)

BELJIM 2 ING-ER-LAND 0 3rd/4th place play off

Posted 10:15am bells Sunday 15th July 2018

Az expected Ing-er-land failed to beat Beljim for the 2nd time in the World Cup, gannin doon 2-0 in the play off for thord place!
After 7 games played they won 4 and lost 3---and will receive a heros welcome when they fly back home!!!???

Ing-er-land are miles behind the top teams az woz proved yesterday in St Petersborg.

Crow-ay-shaa play Franss this afternoon in Moscow and we hope they win it!

"ANLY TEARS FOR SOUVINERS YET AGAIN!"

Posted 'just after high noon bells' Thorsday 12th July 2018

Crow-ay-shaa 2  Ing-er-land 1
😥😤😧
It aall ended in tears once again when we went oot with a bang (on the heed!) in The World Cup semis last neet and anly thing we will be bringin back home are tears, souvenir futbaallz and Russian dolls, after this crushin 2-1 defeat!

Ing-er-land shud have put the Crow-aats to the sword but didnt take their chances in the forst half and payed the ultimate price in extra time! (In the 6 games played, Ing-er-land have anly had 6 (SIX) shots on target!) (ie: Thats anly 1 (ONE) shot per game on average!😨)

The meaningless 3rd/4th place decider takes place on Saturday v Beljim and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that both side will be full of the players who never got a game!

In other words it will be Beljim resorves v Ing-er-land resorves! (Again!)

I certainly wont be glued to the telly watchin that one!😨

"INGLISH TIL WE DIE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 11th July 2018

New-cas-sil's coat of arms

A canny while back, while in London for a Toon game, a Chelski fan I woz taalkin to said Geordies shud support Scotland, az we were so close to the Scottish border!

I replied that I woz born 50 miles south of the border (az the drunken magpie flyz!) and even if I woz born "1 inch" inside the Inglish border, then I am Inglish, I replied!-----HE DIDN'T!

The 2 closest cities on the Inglish side of the border, namely Carlyl and New-cas-sil BOTH show their allegiance and have the Ing-er-land flag in their badges!

Carlye's badge

In othaa words: "We are Inglish til we die!", just like The Cockneys in London, The Scousers in Liverpool, The Brummies in Bormingham, The west country yokels from Bristil, Yowvil and Plymith and the rest of the inhabitants who were born in this country!

We are aall rootin for Ing-er-land tooneet in their quest to reach The World Cup final after a gap of 52 years!

Crow-ay-shaa wont be easy opponents but they are beatable nonetheless!

Franss await the winners in Sunday's final in Moscow after beatin favourites Beljim 1-0 in last neets othaa semi final!

"HOWAY THE LADS!"

NEW ENTERTAINERS AWAY KIT RELEASED!

Posted '12:47pm bells' Tuesday 10th July 2018

NUFC have unveiled wor new away kit for the forthcomin' season and it' s a throwback to the 1995 'entertainers' change strip!

Lets hope that we ARE entertained in the 2018-2019 season!?

News aalso reaches us that 'President' Kenedy iz back on anothaa loan season lang deal from Chelski.
The 22 year old Brazilian made thorteen appearances for us last season

"Welcome back Ken!"

"BEER WE GO!, BEER WE GO!, BEER WE GO!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 9th July 2018

                    It's last Saturday and Ing-er-land have just scored against Sweedin!---
                                   and the beer gans skywards in Times Square!          

Mebeez a'm a bit 'long in the tooth', but to pay £40 to sit and £22 to stand in Times Square, New-cas-sil, watchin' a big screen and gettin' expensive £5 pints of beer in plastic glasses hoyed ower yoo when Ing-er-land score, iz NOT my idea of a fun day oot!😨

Personally, I will watch the final for FREE in 'The Leazes End Club' behind St James' Park (£2.70 a pint in a reeel glass container!) and hoy mee beer doon mee throat instead!😨🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
(Hopefully Ing-er-land will be 'in it'!?)

One brain dead idiot wrote this on Twitter and
  bein' a responsible publication,😨 
'The Ge😨rdie Times' haz **** any swear words!

"Thieving c**** at Times Square.
Tickets just went on sale for semi final.
22 f****** quid to stand. £40 to sit down.
F****** unbelievable. Yet more proof of this country being f*****".

Geordie Times reply.
"Simple---divvint gan then, you 'simpleton'!
There are 100 plus pubs/clubs in New-cas-sil city centre alone that are showin' it FREE!
If you're not old enough to drink, then watch it at home, az its on terrestrial telly!"

"FUTBAALLS COMIN YEM! (By the piano man!)

Posted 11:05am bells' Sunday 8th July 2018

"FUTBAALLS COMIN YEM!

Posted '11:00am bells Sunday 8th July 2018