THE TOFFEE NOSES V THE TOON *** TOONEET IN A TOP FLIGHT GAME!😊

Posted 'high noon bells' St George's Day 2018

We heed for the delights of Morseyside once again to take of Fat Sam's Evaatin at Goodison Park (ko 8 bells)
They have spent £100,000,000 more than us, yet they sit just one place and one point above us in 9th place! (AND we have a game in hand az well!--away to Sporz at Wembley!)

We are settin off in mee 9 seater canny tranny at '2 30 bells' and shud arrive aboot 3 and a half hours later at The Barlow Arms boozers not far from the groond!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

CHRIS COLEMAN IZ KNIGHED IN QUEENS BIRTHDAY HONOURS LIST!

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 22nd April 2018

Sensational news reaches The Geordie Times regarding the Queens birthday honours list!

For hiz services to futbaall Chris Coleman receives the ultimate honour!

"ARISE SIR CHRISTOPHER!

I KNOW I SPEAK ON BEHALF OF

ALL NEWCASTLE FANS WHEN I SAY THAT

YOU HAVE DONE A MAGNIFICENT JOB

AT  sUNDERLAND!"

" YOU LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE WENT DOWN---BUT WHO THE F*** IZ LAUGHIN' NOW!?"

Posted from '11:00am bells' onwards Sunday 22nd April 2018

'The Geordie Times' haz been inundated with photos from NUFC fans on WhatsApp since '5:00pm bells' yesterday when the joyous news that the mackems were finally relegated to Leegue One, reached us! (where they belong!)
There are quite a few photos and here's the forst one---ne doubt there will be many many more☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😅 watch this space!

The magical mystery tour iz waiting to take you away to Accrington Stanley, Fleetwood Town, Walsall, Wycombe Wanderers, Exeter City, Doncaster Rovers, Rochdale, etc etc!😂

"I used plan 'A' and wear going down!

To Accrington and Fleetwood Town!"

Letters page in

'The Ronny-Gill'

(Newcasil Chronicle)

April 25th😂

BAD BLUE BOYS V TEEEM NORTHUMBRIAAA *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Saturday 21st April 2018
Updated St George's Day

With yet anothaa blank Saturday to 'fill in' (coz we dont play til Munday!) a'v decided to heed for Federation Park in Dunston where The Bad Blue Boys are takin on the university side of Northumbriaaa at '3 bells' in a Northern Leegue encoontaa!

Aa went to Gatesheed last Saturday, but with 2 Toon games on the Sunday (1st team) and Munday (2nd string at Wycombe) aa didnt have the time to de a match report on that game, which The Heed(bangers) won 2-0 v Eastleigh in The National Leegue

A'v got a bit more time this weekend so there WILL be a match report on the Dunston game sometime tomorrow!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

Updated St George's Day 2018

The Bad Blue Boys 

on the attack at

'The Tea Hut End'!

The Bad Blue Boys drew 1-1 with Teeem Northubriaaa! The visitors took the lead in the 12th minute through Keiron Day!
The Bad Blue Boys orly in the 2nd half when Mark Fitzpatrick fired home!

However!--aa spent most of the match glued to mee phone for results elsewhere!
The joyous news that the mackems had been relegated for the 2nd season runnin' came through az aa entered the Dunston clubhouse after the game!

Needless to say aa got blind drunk az mee phone went 'ballistic' with the fantastic news from the SOS!😅😆😄

"AALLMOST THERE!--WE'RE AALLMOST THERE!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Friday 20th April 2018

Sooothampton's 0-0 bore draw away to Lestaa last neet meenz that they can anly equal WOR points total IF they win their last 4 games and WE lose wor last 5! (Very highly improbable!)

Az 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' and 'The Baggie Trooserz of West Brom' CAN'T match wor points total, it looks virtually impossible to be relegated now!

Sooothampton's last 4 games are Bournemoooth home, Everton away, Swanzee away and Man City at home!😨

NUFC FAT SAM SURVEY*** RESULTS!

Posted '12:50pm bells' Thorsday 19th April 2018
Updated Saturday 21st April 2018

Iz this man the fattest and ugliest conman

ever to have managed NUFC?

Everton fans have been asked to rate manager Fat Sam's performance, in a survey, which asks them to rate him from a scale of 10 to 0 (Hero to Zero!)

Most give him a zero score, so hiz future looks bleak, BUT! he will get yet anothaa huge redundancy package like he did at The Toon and elsewhere!

'The Geordie Times' haz decided to de its own survey on Fat Sam on hiz time at The Toon on a same slidin scale of
 10 to 0!
Usin' your skill, judgement and half a sheeps brain, let us naa what score y'id give him ASAP!


Question 1
Iz Fat Sam the fattest manager we have ever had?
The answer: ÀYE!  by aboot 4 stone heavier than Rafa at 19 stone!😨 0-10

Question 2
Iz Fat Sam the ugliest manager we have ever had?
Answer: It woz a close caall az "The best manager in the world" John Carver pushed him close, but Sam's ugliness finally won the day!😨0-10
Question 3
Iz Fat Sam the biggest conman we have ever had?
Answer: DEFINATLEEE!😨0-10
Question 4
Iz Fat Sam the most negative and borin' manager we have ever had? "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴
Answer: Just, but Carver, Pardew and 'The Wally with the Brolly' ran him close!😨0-10
And finally
Question 5
How many brown paper bags did he discard at NUFC and aall the othaa clubs he haz failed at? (on a scale of 10 to 100!)
Answer: 73 empty brown bags in hiz wheelie bin woz the most popular answer!😨73-100!

VERDICT: Fat Sam MUST stay at Everton---until we play them on Munday neet at least!😨😨😨😨😨

WOLVES WOE!

Posted '4:25pm bells' Wednesday 18th April 2018
Updated 'high noon bells' Thorsday

Amazing news reaches 'The Geordie Times' that the SMBs ticket office have cancelled some of the Wolves 2,589 away section tickets for their final home game of the season, just in case some Toon fans get their hands on them!
(The away section holds more than 4,000!)

Wolves, not suprizingly have asked for an extra allocation of tickets az they celebrate promotion to the top flight aftaa a 6 year absence!

The mackems REFUSED their request, az they were terrified of the fact that Toon fans would gloat at their demise, shud they gain admittance, like 2,000 did in 1987 when they were relegated to the 3rd Division by Gillingham! (So there will be at least 30,000 empty pink seats for the Wolves game!)

A Wolves loyalty points system iz in operation (just like The Toon) and anly the most loyal of their fans will get their hands on a prized ticket!

Diehard Wolves fans are hardly likely to sell them to Toon fans---are they?

The SMBs are a complete laughin' stock on and off the field!---What an absolute farce!😅

YI COULDN'T POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP!😄

Updated 'high noon bells' Thorsday

Just foond oot why some Wolves tickets have been cancelled!
Apparently one of their fans put hiz match tickets on Twitter and a Toon fan copied them, claimin that he had them!

The SMBs ticket office saw this and cancelled the tickets barcode so they can't get in!

PARANOIAAA TO THE EXTREEEEME!😂

THE TOON 2 THE ARSE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '10:45am bells' Munday 16th April 2018

1st HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL!

"I 'FINK' WE'LL GIVE 'THE ABYSS' A MISS!"

Anothaa 5 star show from the black n whites ensured that we will be in the top flight again next season with wor 4th win on the bounce!

With safety aalmost assured after wor excellent win at Lestaa last week, wor visitors were oot to spoil the party mood when they took the lead in the 14th minute when Lacazette fired home at The Gallowgate End!

However!  we are made of sterner stuff theeze days and we were soon back on level torms when a pin point pass from Jonjo Shelvey foond Gayle who passed to Yedlin who sent in a porfect cross to Ayoze Perez who in torn rifled the baall into The Arse net from a tight angle to send the crowd wild!

We went in 1-1 at half time and came oot with aall guns blazin' and when Slimani came on in the 63rd minute he added a new dimention to wor attack!  
Within 5 mins of him comin' on we were in front when he heeded a powerful baall to Perez who crossed for 'Matt' Ritchie to slam the baall into the goal for a 'gloss finish' (sic!) at The Gallowgate End to seal an excellent win and ensure we avoid 'the abyss' of Championship futbaall, az we are now too far aheed of the bottom 3!

ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Indeed, we are breathin' doon the neck of Fat Sam's Everton side in 9th place---and by coincidence we play them next Munday neet at Goodison Park in wor next game!
Shud we win, then we will gan above them and will be in reach of Lestaa in 8th place!

GRANDSON'S ZAC AND JAMIE WATCH ON FROM THE 'DIZZY HEIGHTS'

OF THE MILBURN STAND!

The good times are back thanx to Rafa's export management tactics!---AND!--- we have got the Arsenal 'monkey off wor backs' aftaa losin' the 10 previous meetings with them!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejeune, Dummett, Ritchie (Murphy 86), Diame, Shelvey, Kenedy, Perez (Joselu 79), Gayle (Slimani 63)

Attendance: 52,210 (3,100 Arse holes!)
(Ne cash tornstiles😊!)

PS: 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be on wor travels yet again within the next 2 hours, when we heed for the delights of Wycombe Wanderers Adams Park groond, where wor U23s are (bizarrely!) takin' on Reading U23s in a leegue game!
(A groond we have nevaa been te before!)

A full match report and pix will appear here sometime tomorrow!
Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

ANOTHAA DOUBLE HEEDER COMIN' UP!

Posted '2:47pm bells' Friday 13th April 2018

Followin' on from last weeks 2 games in 2 days at Stocksbridge last Friday for a U23s game (v Sheff U) and last Saturday at Lestaa for a Premyaa Leegue game, this weekend see's 2 more games for wor teams in 2 days!

On Sunday at '1:30 bells' wor forst team take on 'The Arse' @ SJP in a Premyaa Leegue encoontaa, while on Munday evenin' @ '7 bells' wor U23s travel to Adams Park the home of Wycombe Wanderers, where bizzarly we take on 'The Biscuitmen of Reading' in a U23s Leegue game!

Az 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have nevaa been to Wycombe, we will be settin' off at 'high noon bells' on Munday dinnaatime for the 600 mile roond trip!

Hopefully wor forst team will be virtually safe from relegation by kick off time, followin' the results on Saturday (fingers and toes crossed!)

We have ne idea if Islam Salami will play hiz 2nd game for us, but the way we have been playin' lately, we could beat them withoot him, for the forst time in the last 13 meetings!
(We havent beaten 'The Arse' since 2010 (away) and since 2005 at home!
In total they have won 10 in a row against us and are unbeaten in the last 8 years!

So we are definateleeee! due a win against them and hopefully their trip to Rushaa on Thorsday for their Europa Cup tie, haz taken its toll!

On the plus side for us, we have won the last 3 home games in a row withoot concedin' a goal!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday, before we heed to Wycombe!
"IT'S AALL 'GO' AGAIN!"

POINTS NEEDED TO AVOID RELEGATION SEASON BY SEASON

Posted '1:30pm bells Tuesday 10th April 2018

Below iz a list of teams who were relegated from the Premyaa Leegue in 18th place from 1995 when the leegue woz reduced from 22 teams to 20 teams!

'The Jellied Eels Mob from West Ham' have the highest total with 42 points in their 2002-2003 relegation season

The lowest points total for a 18th position finish iz Bornley who went doon with 30 points in 2009-2010

The average iz just under 37 points per game to be relegated in 18th place!

NUFC currently have 38 points which iz just above the average, with 43 points seemingly guaranteein' safety! (and we still have 6 games left to play!)

Below iz a list of points required for  teams, season by season to AVOID 'the abyss'