" YOU LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE WENT DOWN---BUT WHO THE F*** IZ LAUGHIN' NOW!?"

Posted from '11:00am bells' onwards Sunday 22nd April 2018

'The Geordie Times' haz been inundated with photos from NUFC fans on WhatsApp since '5:00pm bells' yesterday when the joyous news that the mackems were finally relegated to Leegue One, reached us! (where they belong!)
There are quite a few photos and here's the forst one---ne doubt there will be many many more☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😅 watch this space!

The magical mystery tour iz waiting to take you away to Accrington Stanley, Fleetwood Town, Walsall, Wycombe Wanderers, Exeter City, Doncaster Rovers, Rochdale, etc etc!😂

"I used plan 'A' and wear going down!

To Accrington and Fleetwood Town!"

Letters page in

'The Ronny-Gill'

(Newcasil Chronicle)

April 25th😂

BAD BLUE BOYS V TEEEM NORTHUMBRIAAA *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Saturday 21st April 2018
Updated St George's Day

With yet anothaa blank Saturday to 'fill in' (coz we dont play til Munday!) a'v decided to heed for Federation Park in Dunston where The Bad Blue Boys are takin on the university side of Northumbriaaa at '3 bells' in a Northern Leegue encoontaa!

Aa went to Gatesheed last Saturday, but with 2 Toon games on the Sunday (1st team) and Munday (2nd string at Wycombe) aa didnt have the time to de a match report on that game, which The Heed(bangers) won 2-0 v Eastleigh in The National Leegue

A'v got a bit more time this weekend so there WILL be a match report on the Dunston game sometime tomorrow!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

Updated St George's Day 2018

The Bad Blue Boys 

on the attack at

'The Tea Hut End'!

The Bad Blue Boys drew 1-1 with Teeem Northubriaaa! The visitors took the lead in the 12th minute through Keiron Day!
The Bad Blue Boys orly in the 2nd half when Mark Fitzpatrick fired home!

However!--aa spent most of the match glued to mee phone for results elsewhere!
The joyous news that the mackems had been relegated for the 2nd season runnin' came through az aa entered the Dunston clubhouse after the game!

Needless to say aa got blind drunk az mee phone went 'ballistic' with the fantastic news from the SOS!😅😆😄

"AALLMOST THERE!--WE'RE AALLMOST THERE!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Friday 20th April 2018

Sooothampton's 0-0 bore draw away to Lestaa last neet meenz that they can anly equal WOR points total IF they win their last 4 games and WE lose wor last 5! (Very highly improbable!)

Az 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' and 'The Baggie Trooserz of West Brom' CAN'T match wor points total, it looks virtually impossible to be relegated now!

Sooothampton's last 4 games are Bournemoooth home, Everton away, Swanzee away and Man City at home!😨

NUFC FAT SAM SURVEY*** RESULTS!

Posted '12:50pm bells' Thorsday 19th April 2018
Updated Saturday 21st April 2018

Iz this man the fattest and ugliest conman

ever to have managed NUFC?

Everton fans have been asked to rate manager Fat Sam's performance, in a survey, which asks them to rate him from a scale of 10 to 0 (Hero to Zero!)

Most give him a zero score, so hiz future looks bleak, BUT! he will get yet anothaa huge redundancy package like he did at The Toon and elsewhere!

'The Geordie Times' haz decided to de its own survey on Fat Sam on hiz time at The Toon on a same slidin scale of
 10 to 0!
Usin' your skill, judgement and half a sheeps brain, let us naa what score y'id give him ASAP!


Question 1
Iz Fat Sam the fattest manager we have ever had?
The answer: ÀYE!  by aboot 4 stone heavier than Rafa at 19 stone!😨 0-10

Question 2
Iz Fat Sam the ugliest manager we have ever had?
Answer: It woz a close caall az "The best manager in the world" John Carver pushed him close, but Sam's ugliness finally won the day!😨0-10
Question 3
Iz Fat Sam the biggest conman we have ever had?
Answer: DEFINATLEEE!😨0-10
Question 4
Iz Fat Sam the most negative and borin' manager we have ever had? "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴
Answer: Just, but Carver, Pardew and 'The Wally with the Brolly' ran him close!😨0-10
And finally
Question 5
How many brown paper bags did he discard at NUFC and aall the othaa clubs he haz failed at? (on a scale of 10 to 100!)
Answer: 73 empty brown bags in hiz wheelie bin woz the most popular answer!😨73-100!

VERDICT: Fat Sam MUST stay at Everton---until we play them on Munday neet at least!😨😨😨😨😨

WOLVES WOE!

Posted '4:25pm bells' Wednesday 18th April 2018
Updated 'high noon bells' Thorsday

Amazing news reaches 'The Geordie Times' that the SMBs ticket office have cancelled some of the Wolves 2,589 away section tickets for their final home game of the season, just in case some Toon fans get their hands on them!
(The away section holds more than 4,000!)

Wolves, not suprizingly have asked for an extra allocation of tickets az they celebrate promotion to the top flight aftaa a 6 year absence!

The mackems REFUSED their request, az they were terrified of the fact that Toon fans would gloat at their demise, shud they gain admittance, like 2,000 did in 1987 when they were relegated to the 3rd Division by Gillingham! (So there will be at least 30,000 empty pink seats for the Wolves game!)

A Wolves loyalty points system iz in operation (just like The Toon) and anly the most loyal of their fans will get their hands on a prized ticket!

Diehard Wolves fans are hardly likely to sell them to Toon fans---are they?

The SMBs are a complete laughin' stock on and off the field!---What an absolute farce!😅

YI COULDN'T POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP!😄

Updated 'high noon bells' Thorsday

Just foond oot why some Wolves tickets have been cancelled!
Apparently one of their fans put hiz match tickets on Twitter and a Toon fan copied them, claimin that he had them!

The SMBs ticket office saw this and cancelled the tickets barcode so they can't get in!

PARANOIAAA TO THE EXTREEEEME!😂

THE TOON 2 THE ARSE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '10:45am bells' Munday 16th April 2018

1st HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL!

"I 'FINK' WE'LL GIVE 'THE ABYSS' A MISS!"

Anothaa 5 star show from the black n whites ensured that we will be in the top flight again next season with wor 4th win on the bounce!

With safety aalmost assured after wor excellent win at Lestaa last week, wor visitors were oot to spoil the party mood when they took the lead in the 14th minute when Lacazette fired home at The Gallowgate End!

However!  we are made of sterner stuff theeze days and we were soon back on level torms when a pin point pass from Jonjo Shelvey foond Gayle who passed to Yedlin who sent in a porfect cross to Ayoze Perez who in torn rifled the baall into The Arse net from a tight angle to send the crowd wild!

We went in 1-1 at half time and came oot with aall guns blazin' and when Slimani came on in the 63rd minute he added a new dimention to wor attack!  
Within 5 mins of him comin' on we were in front when he heeded a powerful baall to Perez who crossed for 'Matt' Ritchie to slam the baall into the goal for a 'gloss finish' (sic!) at The Gallowgate End to seal an excellent win and ensure we avoid 'the abyss' of Championship futbaall, az we are now too far aheed of the bottom 3!

ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Indeed, we are breathin' doon the neck of Fat Sam's Everton side in 9th place---and by coincidence we play them next Munday neet at Goodison Park in wor next game!
Shud we win, then we will gan above them and will be in reach of Lestaa in 8th place!

GRANDSON'S ZAC AND JAMIE WATCH ON FROM THE 'DIZZY HEIGHTS'

OF THE MILBURN STAND!

The good times are back thanx to Rafa's export management tactics!---AND!--- we have got the Arsenal 'monkey off wor backs' aftaa losin' the 10 previous meetings with them!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejeune, Dummett, Ritchie (Murphy 86), Diame, Shelvey, Kenedy, Perez (Joselu 79), Gayle (Slimani 63)

Attendance: 52,210 (3,100 Arse holes!)
(Ne cash tornstiles😊!)

PS: 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be on wor travels yet again within the next 2 hours, when we heed for the delights of Wycombe Wanderers Adams Park groond, where wor U23s are (bizarrely!) takin' on Reading U23s in a leegue game!
(A groond we have nevaa been te before!)

A full match report and pix will appear here sometime tomorrow!
Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

ANOTHAA DOUBLE HEEDER COMIN' UP!

Posted '2:47pm bells' Friday 13th April 2018

Followin' on from last weeks 2 games in 2 days at Stocksbridge last Friday for a U23s game (v Sheff U) and last Saturday at Lestaa for a Premyaa Leegue game, this weekend see's 2 more games for wor teams in 2 days!

On Sunday at '1:30 bells' wor forst team take on 'The Arse' @ SJP in a Premyaa Leegue encoontaa, while on Munday evenin' @ '7 bells' wor U23s travel to Adams Park the home of Wycombe Wanderers, where bizzarly we take on 'The Biscuitmen of Reading' in a U23s Leegue game!

Az 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have nevaa been to Wycombe, we will be settin' off at 'high noon bells' on Munday dinnaatime for the 600 mile roond trip!

Hopefully wor forst team will be virtually safe from relegation by kick off time, followin' the results on Saturday (fingers and toes crossed!)

We have ne idea if Islam Salami will play hiz 2nd game for us, but the way we have been playin' lately, we could beat them withoot him, for the forst time in the last 13 meetings!
(We havent beaten 'The Arse' since 2010 (away) and since 2005 at home!
In total they have won 10 in a row against us and are unbeaten in the last 8 years!

So we are definateleeee! due a win against them and hopefully their trip to Rushaa on Thorsday for their Europa Cup tie, haz taken its toll!

On the plus side for us, we have won the last 3 home games in a row withoot concedin' a goal!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday, before we heed to Wycombe!
"IT'S AALL 'GO' AGAIN!"

POINTS NEEDED TO AVOID RELEGATION SEASON BY SEASON

Posted '1:30pm bells Tuesday 10th April 2018

Below iz a list of teams who were relegated from the Premyaa Leegue in 18th place from 1995 when the leegue woz reduced from 22 teams to 20 teams!

'The Jellied Eels Mob from West Ham' have the highest total with 42 points in their 2002-2003 relegation season

The lowest points total for a 18th position finish iz Bornley who went doon with 30 points in 2009-2010

The average iz just under 37 points per game to be relegated in 18th place!

NUFC currently have 38 points which iz just above the average, with 43 points seemingly guaranteein' safety! (and we still have 6 games left to play!)

Below iz a list of points required for  teams, season by season to AVOID 'the abyss'

332 bracken moor lane, stocksbridge ( v sheff u u23s)

Ground number 332
Date of First Visit: 6th April 2018
Bracken Moor Lane, Stocksbridge
Sheffield United U23s 2
Newcastle United U23s 1 (not sure who scored--the floodlights were blindin'!)

THE TOON ARE IN THE '2 BLUE' STRIP!

Premier League Cup 1/4 final
Attendance: 350 (est) (7 NUFC mad sad groundhoppers!)
That's! 'Biffa the Beer', 'Dave from York' and hiz sidekick 'Alex of St George', 'Glennn from Ashington', 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa', Fink(me!) and someone whos name aa cant recall, who woz wearin' a half and half Toon/Sheff U scarf! (now that IZ sad!)


"FROM STOCKPORT TO STOCKSBRIDGE!"

Az luck would have it aa woz off work anyway on the Friday, so this game fitted in porfectly!
(Mee last new groond woz at STOCKport so I suppose it woz appropriate to visit STOCKsbridge next!)

The plan woz to get the train to 'Darlo' (Darlington) where 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa' < (hiz spellin NOT mine!) woz pickin me up in hiz 'jam jar' ootside Hogans Bar next to the station (he lives there--'Darlo' NOT Hogan's!) for the jorney to Stocksbridge Park Steels FC near Sheffield, where Sheff U resorves play!
(PS: managed to grab a quick pint in ;Hogan's before he picked me up!---az yi de!)

I'd done a detailed hand drawn map/maze of how to get there from the M1 to the groond and it looked dead complicated and I woz sure we'd got lost at some point (see map)

However!---and by some miracle,we didnt get lost and arrived at wor destination and withoot havin' to ask anybody the way, at '4 30 bells', some 2 and a half before kick off time!

There woz a clubhoose at the corner of the pitch which woz OPEN!---So az yi de!---in we went! (of course!)
It offered a fantastic view of the pitch and hills beyond and we settled doon for a few 'liquid lubrications'  (az Mal woz drivin' it woz lemonade shandys for him!)

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"

(The PINT of beer, NOT the view of the pitch or the hills beyond!)

It woz soon time to heed inside the groond. We could have watched it from the clubhouse, but we decided to 'slum it' in the tiny main stand, which woz named 'The Jamie Vardy Stand'! after the Lestaa striker, coz he played here for 6 years before he became famous!  (And by amazing coincidence wor forst team were playin against him at Lestaa the next day!)

To be honest wor U23s were terrible and went behind after just 3 minutes when Sheffield's Smith shot past Nathan Harker in the Toon goal----and before lang we were wishin it woz full time!

"BLINDED BY THE LIGHT!"

We somehow managed to get an equaliser in the 2nd half when Victor Fernandez crossed the baall and it ended up in the net after their goalie fumbled the baall! (Fernandez or O.G?--we were blinded by the floodlights and couldnt make oot who scored at the far end!)
Mo Sangare then blazed an effort ower the bar and that woz wor last effort on target

Just when it looked az though extra time could be a possiblity the home side retwook the lead through Smith again, when he hit a shot into the top corner of the net with just a few mins left to win the game for them!

It woz then the drive back to 'Darlo' where I caught the train back to 'The Central' (station) and got back at 11 bells!
Next day I woz up at the crack of dawn to heed back to 'The Central' to catch the train to Lestaa for wor Premyaa Leegue game there!

"Its 'Aall go' when yoo follow The Toon!"

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 1 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '9:52am bells' Sunday 8th April 2018

THE TOON ON THE ATTACK! (1st half)

"AALMOST THERE!"

Make ne missteak---this game sent us 10 points clear of 'the abyss' and up to the top half of the table to aalmost certain safety!

After mee 'jaunt' to Stocksbridge the neet before to watch wor U23s on a new groond (match report on that game tomorrow!) aa woz up at the crack of dawn to catch the train(s) to Lestaa with 8 year old granson Jamie, who woz makin hiz Premyaa Leegue away day 'debut'!

Jamie woz dead excited aboot gannin on the train, whereas 'little ol me' woz shattered after gettin back at 11 bells the neet before!

JAMIE ENJOYS AN GOLDEN 'BEER' IN 'THE HIND'!

(GOLDEN HIND!---GET IT?)

After changin trains at Sheffield, we arrived at wor desination at '11 30 bells' and heeded for 'The Hind' just ower the road from the train station for the forst 'liquid lubrications' of the day! (Az yi de!)

It woz then 'onward' to The Regent Club which iz wor regular stoppin off point when we come doon theeeze parts!

JAMIE ON HIZ WAY TO A 147 BREAK IN 'THE REGENT CLUB'!

After several more 'lubrications' and a 'nose bag' (sommik to eat!) it woz time to heed for the groond orly with Jamie, so he could sample the atmosphere in the away end!
The 'atmosphere' included fans hoyin beer ower each other in the concourse, (at £4.50 a pint!) but thankfully ne smokebombs were let off az in previous games!

Aa told Jamie beforehand that away fans aalways stood up, (unlike home games) and that he would probably have to stand on hiz seat to view the action on the field!
However! there woz a smaall lad directly in front of him and he could see ower the top of him withoot standin on hiz seat!

IZ THIS BORO IN DISGUISE? (A FIREWORKS WELCOME FOR THE PLAYERS!) 

We started off well az we attacked the goal where the Toon fans were housed in the corner section and had a few chances!
The important breakthrough came in the 18th minute when Jonjo Shelvey fired a right footed shot home from just inside the box after a great pass from Perez, to send the 3,200 Toon fans wild with delight and I raised Jamie up in the air to sample the roar of the crowd!

JONJO SHELVEY (IN 'D') SCORES WOR FORST GOAL!

"DID YOU SEE THAT!"---SHELVEY ASKS THE TOON FANS!

We were clearly on top, but a scare came just before the interval when Dummett brought doon Mahrez in the box, but thankfully the ref waved 'play on'!

The 2nd half woz the same az we attacked the far goal and the killer goal came 15 mins from time when Perez brilliantly lobbed the baall ower Schmeichel's heed from 30 yards oot to put us 2-0 up!

AYOZE PEREZ'S GOAL! (edge of pic)

Vardy pulled one back for Lestaa late on, but we held on to win wor 3rd game in a row and virtually bannish the relegation blues!

'Lucky mascot' Jamie and the rest of the 3,000 plus Toon fans celebrated a great win to propel us up to 10th place in the Premyaa Leegue table!

Explanation: We say 'The Basil Brush Brigade' az Lestaa are caalled The Foxes---and Basil Brush iz a fox!---get it?

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejeune, Dummett, Richie, Shelvey, Diame (Hayden 81), Kenedy (Atsu 64), Perez, Gayle (Joselu 70)

Attendance: 32,066 (3,200 very happy Toon fans!😊)
*
Virtually anothaa porfect day!

For the 3rd time in a row the results went wor way

We wanted Bournemoooth and Palace to draw so they both dropped 2 points---and they did!
We wanted Brightin and 'uddersfield to draw so they both dropped 2 points---and they did!
We wanted Stoke to lose to Sporz---and they did!
We wanted Wotfaad to lose to Bornley---and the did!
and finaleee---We wanted WBA to beat Swanzee (coz they cant catch us)---and they drew---but Swanzee still dropped 2 points!
Today we wanted The Arse to beat Sooothampton--'and they did!
And we wanted Chelski to beat West Ham but it ended in a draw so West Ham still dropped 2 points!