COPY 'CATS'

Posted '11:35am bells' Munday 15th May 2017

So we just had to copy the mackems and fly a plane ower their groond celebratin their relegation, az they did to us last season.

Sorry!-- but it doesn't work when somebody else haz done it forst---and to put a banner sayin' "United by cancer--divided by leagues" iz cringeworthy in wor opinion!

It cost the mackems £1,000 last season to fly the plane ower wor groond and we can anly assume it cost 'us' the same on Saturday.
That money would have been better spent givin' it DIRECT to a cancer fund and NOT to the company who flew the plane!

"IT'S EMBARRESSIN'!"

"18 LIVE GAMES?---YOUR HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Posted 10:42am bells Sunday 14th May 2017

SKY telly haz takin' the number of televised games today to new heights!--for they are showin' an incredible total of EIGHTEEN LIVE GAMES from 'high noon bells' til 11:00pm bells' tooneet!

Divvint beleeeve me?----then just look at this!

1 'High noon bells' : Palace v Hull (Sky Sports 1 HD)
2 'High noon bells' : 'uddersfield v Sheff Wed (Sky Sports 2)
3 '1:30pm bells' : Feyenoord v Hercales (Sky Sports 2-red button)
4 '1:30pm bells' : Willem 11 v Ajax (Sky Sports 2-red button)
5 '2:15pm bells' : West Ham v Liverpool (Sky Sports 1 HD)
6 '3:00pm bells' : Alaves v Celta Vigo (Sky Sports 2 HD)
7 '4:30pm bells' : Sporz v Man U (Sky Sports 1 HD)
8 '6:30pm bells' : Blackpool v Luton (Sky Sports 2)
9 '6:30pm bells' : Carlisle v Exeter (Sky Sports 2-red button)
10 '7:00pm bells' : Bilbao v Leganes (Sky Sports 3-red button)
11 '7:00pm bells' : Eiber v Gijon (Sky Sports 3-red button)
12 '7:00pm bells' : Real Madrid v Sevilla (Sky Sports 3 HD)
13 '7:00pm bells' : Sociadad v Malaga (Sky Sports 3-red button)
14 '7:00pm bells' : Villarreal v Deportivo (Sky Sports 3-red button)
15 '7:00pm bells' : Las Palmas v Barcelona (Sky Sports 5 HD)
16 '7:00pm bells':Betis v Atletico Madrid (Sky Sports 3-red button)
17 '9:00pm bells' : Portland v Atlanta (Sky Sports 2 HD)
18 '11:00pm bells' :New York Red Bulls v LA Galaxy (Sky Sports 2 HD) 

ABSOLUTLEEEE INCREDABLE!!!
"Hope your lass likes futbaall?"

"YOO POOR DELUDED SOUL!"

Posted '3:15pm bells' Saturday 13th May 2017

"ARE THEY PEOPLES HOUSES?"
(Ramshackle pigeon duckets somewhere near The SOS!)

We divvint normally mention the SMBs too often in this blog but 'Miseryguts Moyes' haz come oot with TWO ridiculous statements ower the last couple of days!

Forstly he claims that because the mackems will be the biggest team in The EFL next season, they will attract aall the best players for that leegue!
Divvint be so daft!!!---az soon az any players see the surroundings near The Stadium of "Sshhhh! (yee naa wot!) they will run a mile to get away from the place!

pENNYWELL, sUND'LIND
(The 'scenic route' to The SOS!)

Secondly he claims that 'if' he had been in charge last season, there iz "No way!" that Jermaine Defoe would have had a clause written into hiz contract that 'if' (when!) the mackems were relegated then he could gan 'on a free'!

It's dead simple yoo stupid get!---Defoe WOULDN'T have signed in the forst place, if that clause WASN'T written in to hiz contract!!!!
"Yoo poor deluded soul!"



DAVID MOYES SHOWS A POTENTIAL NEW SIGNING AROUND
A TYPICAL pENNYWELL PENTHOUSE!
"IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE THE PENTHOUSE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN---
BUT THIS IS sUND'LIND!"

"THANK GOD WE'RE NOT IN THE PLAY OFFS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 12th May 2017

"Champions of the Championship!"

The Championship play offs start this weekend and we can relax, knowin' that we wont be involved and can watch the games withoot tearin' wor hair oot by the roots!

'uddersfield play 'The Hillsborough Hillbillies' at home on Saturday in a Yorkshire derby and 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' gan to Fulim on Sunday, with the 2nd legs next Tuesday and Wednesday
("ER!"---got it the wrang way roond---Readin' iz Saturday and 'uddersfield iz Sunday!)

And my preferred winners?  'UDDERSFIELD!---az their fans created a brilliant atmosphere when we went there and we foond a canny club az well!----It's not far on the train eethaa!

Meeenwhile the nutters of Millwaall play Bradfaad in the Leegue 1 play off final for a place in The Championship!

Hope Millwaall win and that the SMBs 'enjoy' (not!) their visit to 'The Den of Iniquity' next season!!!! 

NUFC MAD SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS!---UPDATE---GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 10th May 2017
Updated Friday 12th May

WHITBY

The season iz hardly ower and aalready we have some pre season fixtures to bring yoo from wor club insider, namely 'Secret Pigeon'!
(pictured at wor home game v Preston)

On Thorsday 27th July and Saturday 29th July, wor under 23s side will play in a tournament in WHITBY, north Yorkshire!



There's a brilliant fish shop called 'The Magpie' in the toon  and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that that's where aa'll be heedin' for the pre match 'nose bag' before gannin' 'on the hoy'!

REMEMBER!---yoo hord this news forst in 'The Geordie Times' and ne where else!

PS: A'v been to Whitby's groond once before, many, many, moons ago, to see Whitby play 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in the Northern Leegue

Dunston won an amazin' game 7-6 in torrential rain and after the match aa heeded for the clubhoose!
A Whitby committee man said it woz a fair result at 6-6!!!?

I pointed oot that the final score woz infact 7-6 NOT 6-6 and that he must have missed one of Dunston's goals!  ---He woz devastated!!!!

PPS: Have just hord off 'The Silver Fox' that The Magpie fish shop haz been 'gutted' ! (NO the fish havvent been 'gutted', the shop haz been gutted by 'fire' and iz shut indefinitely!)  (divvint worry--there's plenty more in this fishin' port!)

"IT'S GOOD NEWS WEEK!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 11th May 2017

On Tuesday 'Budgie the Helicopter' (pictured above!) whisked 'Rafa the Gaffa' and  'Penfold' (wor beloved MD) away from wor trainin' groond to a meetin' with 'The Fat Controller' in deepest Derbyshire, aboot funds for next season in the Premyaa Leegue!

We honestly didn't naa just wot the outcome would be---BUT!---'good news' haz come from the meetin' and Rafa WILL STAY!

At last 'the penny haz dropped' and 'yes men' managers like 'I Beg Your Pardew' and 'The Wally With The Brolly' who 'blow hot air' and fools like Joke Kinnear are consigned to the dustbin (where are they now?) 


Wor 'beloved owner' haz said that Rafa can have every single penny orned by the club to strengthen the team for next season.

Thankfully this hasn't dragged on for month's and wor manager can now de some recruitin' (and sellin') in the transfor market

We arnt daft and know it wont be easy, but consolidation in the top flight iz aall that matters---for now!

Hopefully we can challenge for one of the 'cups' and not put weakened teams oot in theeeze competitions!

The Champions Leegue iz anothaa matter and iz 'oot of wor thinkin' ---for the time bein' at least!---who knows aboot the future though, with a gaffa of Rafa's standin'!!!

Much more (undoubtedly) to follow on aall this in the next few days and weeks!

"THE JOYOUS NEWS JUST GANZ ON AND ON!"

Posted '1:01pmbells' Tuesday 9th May 2017

Followin' on from Sunday's fantastic celebrations on becomin' 'Champions of the Championship', wor U23 side have reached the Premier Leegue 2 play off final by beatin' Fulim's equivalent 2-0 at SJP last neet in from of a 437 crowd, includin' 'Rafa the Gaffa'!
(Scorers, Jamie Holmes and Stu Findlay)

We now meet 'The Jellied Eels Mob U23s' (West Ham!) in the 'one off' final, which will be played at SJP on a date to be decided!

The winners gan into The Premier League forst division! (top flight!)

TWO promotions in the same season back to 'the top flight'???
Lets hope so!!!

In othaa joyous news, 'The Smoggies' were relegated at Chelski last neet and will join their mackem brethren in 'the abyss' of The Championship next season (enjoy your 25 weekday games boys and girls!)---(the number NUFC have played this season!)

At one time I had nowt against 'The Smog Monsters' but when they cheered on Man U when they pipped us to The Premyaa Leegue title in 1996---aall that changed!

It's certainly been a very happy last 3 weeks if yoo are a Toon fan!---that's for sure!!!!

THE TOON 3 BARNSLEEE 0 *** EFL 2016-2017

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 8th May 2017

TAKIN' LOYALTIES TO NEW EXTREMES!
A TOON FAN BRINGS A FRAMED PHOTO OF RAFA TO THE GAME 
(TAKEN FROM HIZ LIVING ROOM WAALL!!!!)

"AGAINST AALL THE ODDS!"

Where the hell do aa start????
The day started off in Bar Loco in Leazes Park Road where broon ale woz on the menu at '10:30 am bells'!
It woz then 'onward to The Leazes End Club ower the road where aa met up mee grandson Jamie aged 7 who woz with hiz mam Julie!
The 'high noon bells' kick off meant that we didn't have much time and a 'shovelled' a pint of John Smiths doon mee 'Gregory' (Gregory Peck=neck!) before heedin' for the tornstiles!

Jamie haz a season ticket beside me and haz been to EVERY home game this season!---(Aalso in attendance waz anothaa grandson, Zac aged 6, who woz with hiz daddy Craig!)

The sequence of events that followed are recorded in a 'time line'

'High noon bells': The game kicks off with the knowledge that if Brighton win at Villa then NUFC will finish in the runners up spot!

23rd minute: Perez opens the scorin' at The Leazes End when he back fips the baall into the net! 1-0!
(The Villa v Brighton game iz still scoreless which meenz we are top 'az it stood')

ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL

59th minute: Chancel Mbemba puts us '2 up' when he fires in at The Gallowgate End to virtually seal the win az Barnslee were very poor! (still 0-0 at Villa!)

64th minute: The celebratory mood changes in an instant to one of abject depression, az the 2,700 Barnslee fans let us know, in no uncertain terms that Brighton have scored a penalty---and worse than that, Villa have had a player sent off az well! (Brighton are now top 'az it stood')
The gleeful Barnslee fans are in full voice az they sing: "Your gonna win f*** all!" ---ZERO marks oot of 10 for them! (Pleeeze tell me, wot have we done against them to be so spiteful?--does EVERYBODY reeely hate us?)


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL


90th minute: Substitute Dwight Gayle puts us '3 up' to muted cheers! from the capacity crowd az Brighton looked certain to win the title!
I tell Jamie that "It doesn't matter!" az we are still gannin up!

91st minute: EUPHORIA!!! News filters through on the many mobile 'telling bones' aroond us--- THAT!---VILLA HAVE EQUALISED!!!!! the exact time that Gayle had scored wor thord goal!!!-- The roar of the crowd at that definin' moment in time woz DEAFENIN!!!! az disbelief and unbridled joy enveloped us!!!

93rd minute: Wor game haz finished BUT they are still playin' at Villa Park az the players stand in the middle of the pitch--hoping against hope that Villa can hang on!----
97th minute:--with 7 minutes stoppage time bein' played at Villa Park the ref at that game finally blows hiz whistle to end the game and give us the title!!!

Ecstatic scenes then envelope the stadium az the players dive in a heep, az aa hold Jamie aloft in The Milburn Stand!
One fan in front of us haz brought a large framed photo of Rafa which he took from hiz living room waall!!! and holds it aloft az the crowd cheer wildly!---BRILLIANT!
(How the hell did he get THAT past security?)

A few minutes later we receive the trophy az the Barnslee end skulks away very quickly (may they get stuck in a massive traffic jam on the 'A1' motorway, on their way back to their south Yorkshire sh**holes!)

3 weeks ago aftaa wor disastrous 3-1 defeat at Ipswich we were 7 points behind Brighton with just 3 games to gan---aall they had to de woz win ONE of those games and they would be champions!
They lost the forst 2 and drew at Villa az we WON wor last 3--- against aall the odds!---Special thanx to Jack Grealish, who scored the Villa goal that gave us the title! (yoo are on my 'Xmas card list' for sure!)

Toon team: Elliot, Yedlin, Hayden (Haidera 13), Mbemba, Dummett, Atsu, Shelvey (Diame 72), Colback, Gouffran, Perez (Gayle 80), Mitrovic

Attendance: 52, 276 (2,700 very sad  Barnslee fans!)
*


THESE 'LUCKY BLACK N WHITE STRIPED TRAINERS'
HAVE BEEN WORN BY FINK
TO EVERY ONE OF WOR 53 LEEGUE AND CUP GAMES THIS SEASON!
THE SOLES ARE COMPLETLEE 'NACKERED' AND WORN OOT
AFTER AALL THE TRAVELLIN' (AND WAALKIN!)
AND ARE READY FOR 'RETIREMENT'!
(THERE'LL BE NEW TRAINERS WORN FOR NEXT SEASONS 
PREMYAA LEEGUE FIXTURES FOR CERTAIN!)



THE TOON v BARNSLEEE *** 'HIGH NOON BELLS' TOMORROW!

Posted '1:15pm bells' Saturday 6th May 2017

"I HAVE A 10 YEAR PLAN!"

The final curtain comes doon at SJP tomorrow at 'high noon bells', when we play Barnsleee in wor final and hopefully LAST EVER game in the EFL!
Wor visitors have sold aall of their 2,700 allocation of tickets in a match that haz been 'selt oot' for weeks! 

Just been watchin' 'Rafa the Gaffa' on 'Futbaall Focus' and he said that he could be here for TEN years--under the right conditions! (Are yoo readin' this Mike?)

Will the 'Hazbeenz & Villans' de us a favour tomorrow and beat (ne where near) Brighton?
Aall of  their manager 'Broken Nose Bruce's family live in 'The Toon' and they will aall be hopin' that hiz side can de 'the business'?

We of course must beat Barnslee to start with --or even a draw would de if Brighton lose, to claim the title (on goal difference!)

I've got nowt better to de than listen to the sports programmes on the radio az aa drive mee truck back and forwards to Redditch in deepest Worcestershire. They had a poll on 'Talk Sport' last neet which said 51% of Toon fans wanted us to win the title and 49% weren't bothered--az lang az we won automatic promotion!

Az for little old ME?--I want the title---BUT! promotion iz aall that reeely matters and I will just have to 'live with it' if Chris Hughton's team win The Championship!
(They are in the 'drivin seat' this time---not me!)

We shall sooon find ooot! (fingers & toes crossed!)

"AND WHEN WE WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP"???

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 4th May 2017


BUT WILL WE BE 'TOP' ON SUNDAY?

Not lang to gan nuw until the very last game of this 'marathon' season!---and to be honest aa could 'de with a complete rest' from the relentless 'grind'  of travellin'--especially the lang distance away games which have nearly aall fell on a week day!

Fulim away (a Frriday), Qpr away (a Wednesday), Brighton away (a Tuesday), Norwich away (a Tuesday), Readin' away (a Tuesday or a Wednesday--cant remember now!), Ipswich away (a Munday), Cardiff away (a Friday)---and that's just to mention the ones that are a roond trip of between 550-700 miles!
Of course in between these games av had to drive a truck 430 miles to Redditch and back to Tyneside--and it HAZZENT been easy---believe yoo me!

Thank god we are back in the 'BIG time' where there will be EIGHT less mid week games!

Wor final game of this 'marathon' teks place on Sunday when Barnsleee are the visitors to SJP, which iz a total sell-oot (suprize-suprize!) and iz wor 53rd competitive game (includin' the 'cups')

Amazingly-aftaa lookin' like we had 'blown the title' at Ipswich, we now find worsels just ONE solitary point behind leeeders (ne where near) Brighton, who must travel to Villa Park on Sunday needin' a win to win the title!
A BIG favour iz needed off a BIG man, namely 'Broken Nose Bruce', whose Hazbeenz & Villans side line up against them!
Of course we still have to beat Barnsleee to have any chance, but dafter things have happened and the pressure iz on THEM (for a change!) (even a draw would de us--IF Brighton lost!--az we have a much better goal difference!)

ie: If we get a better result than Brighton then 'we' win the title---anythin' else and its theirs!

More to follow on aall this in the next few days (and neets!)