THE TOON 4 THE CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS 3 *** EFL 2016-2017

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 29th September 2016

1st HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END
(View from Milburn Stand balcony)

"VICTORY FROM THE JAWS OF DEFEAT AZ GAYLE BLOWS THE CANARIES AWAY!"

Wot can aa say aboot this game???--A game that started off in a howlin' gale, waz totally dominated by NUFC in the forst 20 minutes and we shud have been at least 5 (FIVE!) up by this time az we attacked the Gallowgate goal, hittin' the woodwork/near misses etc!

The break through came in the 24th when Matt Richie centred from the right and Gayle (appropriately, because of the wethaa conditions!) slotted the baall home!---and then disaster struck just 1 minute before the break when Gouffran pulled Brady doon to concede a penalty and Dorrans made ne misteakk from the spot!
(1-1 at half time)

A forthaa disaster then struck just minutes after the restart when Norwich took the lead when Jarone corled a shot past Darlow in the Toon goal!
Disaster number 3 soon came when wor visitors went 3-1 up when a deflected shot beat Darlow in the 70th minute!

Aall looked lost at this stage az the wind howled aroond the park but we didn't give up and Dwight Gayle replied aalmost immediately when a great pass from Shelvey foond hiz feet and he toe poked the baall home!

2nd HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL

'The Custard Creams' then went into 'waste time mode' with some ridiculous antics and 6 minutes were added because off this!

By the 90th minute many fans had left includin' mee 5 year old grandson Zac who waz with hiz dad--but I told Jamie mee 6 year old grandson who waz with me, that we must stay to the bitter end!---and he waz rewarded with a goal in the 5th minute of stoppage time when Gouffran heeded home to salvage a point! --- But NO!--we wernt happy with this and in the SIXTH minute of added time Dwight Gayle unbelievably got the winner when he chested the baall doon from a Mitrovic pass to claim hiz hat-trick and send the crowd into ecstasy az the Canaries were blown away in the wind!!!!! BREATHTAKIN' STUFF!!!!

The win takes us up to 3rd place in the table just one point behind wor opponents and three behind 'uddersfield who sit in top spot!

How does that old song gan again?
"3-1 doon!, 4-3 up!---and its broon ale we will sup!"

Toon team: Darlow, Yedlin, Lascelles, Clark, Dummett (Atsu 92), Shelvey, Colback (Hayden 71), Richie, Gouffran, Diame (Mitrovic 71), Gayle

Attendance: 48,236 (we predicted 49,000) (700 very sick Canaries huddled in the corner of 'Level 7'!)

*   

THE TOON v THE CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS *** EFL *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:30pm bells' Wednesday 28th September 2016

2 CATHEDRALS AND A 'NEW' CASTLE!

WE gan into toneets vital top of the table game against a Norwich side who were knocked off their top perch by 'uddersfield Toon last neet!
NUFC are currently in 9th place after last neets results so 3 points are a must which will propel us back up to 3rd spot!

It wont be easy of course but if we play like we did in the forst half against Villa then there shud be ne problem!
High winds and rain are forecast for this evenin' which could put a spanner in the works!
Ower 47,000 tickets have been sold so far and we predict a 49,000 crowd tooneet!

A full match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

GROUNDHOG DAY FOR A GREEDY FAT PIG!!!!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 28th September 2016


'GEORDIE TIMES' EXCLUUUSIVE!!!!
BIG FAT SAM  (in the middle!) WITH HIZ AGENT (left)
AND HIZ ACCOUNTANT (right)

Big Fat Sam woke up this mornin' havin' just lost hiz 'dream' £3 million job after tryin' to stick hiz nose 'into the trough' to grab another £400,000 'to make ends meet'!

While the rest of 'us' can anly 'dream' of that kind of dosh, he haz been caught red handed, bitin' the hand that feeds him and stabbin' The FA in the back!

Couldn't happen to a nicer bloke---could it??????

"HELLO ELLIS!---CAN I HAVE MY JOB BACK PLEASE!?"


PS: Did yoo know that he waz born on Old Park FARM, Dudley, West Midlands!
---Very appropriate under the circumstances---don't yoo 'fink'!?!

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLANS 1 THE TOON 1 ***EFL 2016-2017

Posted '11:01am bells' Sunday 25th September 2016

"SING IN THE TOP TIER!" ^

A game that we shud have won 'oh so easily' waz nearly tossed away at the end az we defended frantically!

It started off 'oh so well' with us poundin' the packed Holte End where the Hazbeenz fans were congregated!
However!--othaa parts of the ground were splattered with empty seats and the main stand opposite us had the top deck completely closed!
This waz 'ammunition' to the packed Toon end az they took the p*ss, singin': "Your grounds too big for yoo!" and "Sing in the top tier!"------and we have to tell yoo that there waz ne response at aall from the 6,000 empty claret coloured seats!!?

THE TOON ATTACK THE HOLTE END (1st half)
(We are in black n white stripes for a change at an away game!)

"HIERARCHICAL MERITOCRACY!" <(look it up in the dictionary if yoo divvint naa wot it meenz!)

Anyway!--we attacked and attacked and eventually we made the breakthrough in the 28th minute when when Yedlin ran doon the right wing and crossed for Gayle, but a Villa defender got there forst and sliced the baall into hiz own goal to give us a richly desorved lead!

We couldn't improve on that with several missed chances and a penalty claim torned doon after that and we went into the interval with the slim lead.

That waz to prove decisive az again in the orly parts of the 2nd half we missed good chances to bury the game, especially Diame, who somehow managed to slice a shot wide from 6 yards oot!  
And sensin' a chance the home side came to life az they started pounded wor goal at The Holte End az we norvouslee looked on!

2nd HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE WITTON END

With Matt Sels lookin' indecisive and 'wobbly' in wor goal the inevitable happened with just 2 mins left on the clock when Tishibola heeded in off the post with Sels 'flappin'!
Villa could have snatched it in 6 mins of stoppage time, but we somehow hung on for the draw!
2 points lost when we shud have easily won!

Toon team: Sels, Yedlin (Tiote 75), Lascelles, Clark, Dummett, Hayden, Shelvey, Richie, Gouffran, Diame, Gayle (Mitrovic 80)

Attendance: 32,062 (2,800 Toon fans) (10,000 empty claret and light blue seats!)      

*

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLANS v THE TOON **** TOMORROW EVENIN'!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 23rd September 2016

Tomorrow we heed for one of wor least fave haunts, namely Villa Park, where we have been demoted too many times to mention in recent years!
Their fans arnt very 'Geordie friendly' eethaa az they 'celebrated' wor demise last season and in 2009 when they hung banners from The Holte End with 'Who's your next messiah ---Ant or Dec' and 'Sob on the Tyne' written on them! <(horrible tw*ts!)
Thankfully they were relegated az well last season and 3 points for us would de 'very nicely' thank yoo very much'!

Aall 2,800 away tickets sold oot lang ago with Villa refusin' to sell us anymore despite shuttin' parts of their groond to home fans because of low demand! <(another reason to dislike them!)

After finishin' graft at '3 bells' in the mornin' there iz time to get 4 hours kip "ZZZZzzzz!!!!" before gettin' up again and heedin' for 'The Central' to catch the train to New Street (Bormingham)

A full match report will appear here sometime on Sunday!

THE TOON 2 WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ 0 *** EFL CUP 3rd ROOND

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 21st September 2016

ACTION AT 'THE GALLOWGATE END' AZ THE TOON LAY SIEGE
TO THE WOLVES GOAL!

This waz a much better performance and reversal of the result against Wolves on Saturday, with a much changed team!

Matt Richie and 'Goofy' Gouffran were the heroes of the day with 2 forst half goals in a 3 minute spell @ The Gallowgate End!
8 Changes to the startin' line up against Wolves on Saturday were made and anly Shelvey, Richie and Diame retained their places from that game!

The Toon laid siege to the visitors goal with a series of corners and we finally made the breakthrough on the half hour mark when Matt Richie hit a superb 'curler' into the corner of the net to put us 1-0 up!
It wasn't lang til the 2nd goal came when Richie centred and Gouffran hit an even better shot into the goal with a volley from 20 yards oot to send most of the (Excellent!) 34,000 plus crowd into raptures!

2nd HALF ACTION AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE FAR 'LEAZES' GOAL!

The were ne more goals in the 2nd half az 'The Wanabeez' tried in vain to find the back of wor net with Karl Darlow (in goal for Sels)makin' some fine saves!

We progress to the 4th roond where the draw will be made after the Northampton v Man U game tooneet!---Wouldn't that be great!---NORTHAMPTON!!! away in the next roond to 'clock up' a new groond!!!!????

Toon team: Darlow, Yedlin, Hanley, Clark, Lazaar, Richie (Lascelles 85), Shelvey, Colback, Gouffran (Atsu 75), Diame (Perez 71), Murphy

Attendance: 34, 735 (just 500 Wolves fans this time) (3,200 on Saturday!)  Highest attendance of the roond so far!      *   

THE TOOHN v WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ (AGAIN!) *** EFL CUP 3rd ROOND

Posted '11:15am bells' Tuesday 20th September 2016

For the 2nd time in 3 days we face Wolves @ SJP and we can anly hope that we put in a better performance than on Saturday against them this time!?

A half capacity crowd iz expected

Az aa type this there iz glorious sunshine ower Tyneside!

Match report tomorrow!

THE TOON 0 WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ 2 *** EFL 2016-2017

Posted '9:43am bells' Sunday 18th September 2016

A MISSED CHANCE AT THE LEAZES END AZ A TOON FAN
HOLDS HIZ HEED IN HIZ HANDS! (JUST ABOOT SUMS THE DAY UP!)

"TYPICAL TOON!"

Just when yoo are sittin' high up on a pedestal, somebody throws a rock at yoo and knocks yoo off!
We've seen it aal before of course--aa can remember way back in the 1960's when we were unbeaten at home for nearly a year when little Carlisle came to Toon for an FA Cup tie!
WE would surely hammer them!---but oh no!---we lost 1-0 in front of 56,000 to bow oot of the competition! (mee forst FA Cup defeat at home!)
And then with Kevin Keegan at the helm and flyin' high we went to Cambridge who were on a 30 odd game winless streak ---a new futbaall leegue record---BUT of course they won 1-0!
And then there waz Grimsby Toon!---a winnin' 11 game streak at the start of the season---and Grimsby win 1-0! <(a 'grim' day indeed!)  <(sic!)

There are many many more times like this and yet anothaa one came yesterday afternoon in front of a sell-oot crowd!
After demolishin' QPR 6-0 last Tuesday, we played abysmally against a Wolves side who had lost 4-0 at home to Barnsley on the same night az the QPR game!

We play them again on Tuesday neet in the Leegue Cup and the anly thing that iz certain iz that there wont be 52,000 there to witness it!

A bad day at the office with an own goal from Mbemba, a bad missteakk from Perez (to give the 2nd goal away!)  and a sendin' off for Anita---nothin' much more to say---iz there???

Toon team: (who didn't torn up!) Sels, Anita, Dummett, Shelvey, Lascelles, Mbemba, Hayden (Mitrovic 63), Diame, Gayle, Perez, Richie (Atsu 63)

Attendance: 52,117 (3,200 'Wanabeez')  *

THE TOON v WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 16th September 2016

VIEW OF 'THE GALLOWGATE END' FROM 'THE STRAWBERRY' BOOZER

Followin' wor fantastic 6-0 win at QPR on Tuesday neet, we find worsels up against a Wolves side who lost 4-0 at home to BARNSLEY on the same neet!

So!--on paper this looks a formality, but in reality it ISNT!

'Rafa the Gaffa' haz rotated the squad in the last 2 away games with great success and we can anly hope that this 'formula' will bring us forthaa victories to add to the 'six in a row' and keep 'the momentum' gannin!

'uddersfield Toon lost for the forst time this season--again on Tuesday and we nuw sit just ONE point behind them in 2nd place in the table!

'The Wanabeez' have sold their entire 3,200 allocation of tickets for 'level 7 of 'The Leazes End' and 'The Geordie Times' predicts a 52,000 crowd will assemble @ SJP (We WONT predict the result however az this would be 'the kiss of death'!)

Thunderstorms, lightenin' and heavy rain were batterin' Tyneside orly this mornin' but hopefully the wethaa will be 'OK on the day' 

More to follow later!  

006 (revisited) rangers stadium (loftus road) qpr

Ground number 6
Date of this visit: 13th September 2016
Rangers Stadium, Loftus Road, London

Queens Park Rangers 0
Newcastle United 6

EFL
Attendance: 17,404 (3,005 Toon fans)


JONJO SHELVEY (NEXT TO REF IN WOR 'BUMBLE BEE' STRIP)
HITS AN EXORSET MISSILLE! (SEE 'TRAIL'!)

 

Diary of a trucker/Toon fan!

Munday afternoon started off az usual with mee night trunk to Redditch in deepest Worcestershire to pick carpets and floorin' up!
A'd started at '2:15 bells' in the afternoon and had a canny trip doon arrivin' at '8 bells' to tip and pick mee load of stillages up filled with carpets etc!

2 motorway closures on the way back added to mee 444 mile (roond trip) jorney and aa finished work at '3 am bells! (Tuesday)

A few hours later after aboot 5 hours kip "ZZZZzzzz!!!!" it waz time to get up again to catch the midday train to King's Cross for wor game against QPR in Shepherd's Bush "west Landan!" (300 miles)
It waz boilin' hot and aa had to move from mee window seats az the 'current bun' blazed through the glass!

Az we couldn't get back a hotel waz needed, which waz near Russell Square, not to far from King's Cross station
After dumpin' wor bags in the hotel it waz time to---"gan on the hoy!" before heedin' for the groond!

"ON THE HOY' HERE!"

Loftus Road iz probably the most cramped stadium in London with it bein' hemmed in on aall sides by low rise flats!
Wor view from the 2nd back row of the top stand waz not good (see photos!) az yoo can hardly see the goal line from there but we knew that anyway from previous visits here!

Little did we realise that we would see history bein' made az the game kicked off with wor biggest away leegue win in wor history bein' equalled and QPR's worst ever home defeat!
It waz aalso the hottest day aa can remember for a game with temps in the high 90s!

The goal sequences were az follows:
12th minute: A Jonjo Shelvey shot at the far end from us waz deflected into the net by a QPR defender (1-0 to 'us'!)

30th minute: Perez shoots and the rebound faalls nicely back to him to fire the baall into the goal (2-0 to 'us'!)

52nd minute: Shelvey, on the edge of the box hits an unstoppable shot into the top corner of the net and I actually got a photo of it az it flew into the net like an *exoset missile! (*sorry aboot the spellin' misteak!) (3-0 to 'us'!)

56th minute: An unmarked Ciron Clark heeds in a Matt Richie corner! (4-0 to 'us'

63rd minute: Mitrovic gets in on the act with a simple tap in! (5-0 to 'us'

79th minute: Grant Hanley completes the rout with a toe poked effort az the home fans empty their sections of the groond!
(SIX! -NIL to 'US'!)   

END OF MATCH CELEBRATIONS!

We aalso had a goal disallowed in this game and hit the woodwork on at least 2 occasions---the most one sided leegue game av ever witnessed! (Wot would Shepherd's Bush finest, 'Steptoe and Son' have made of it all?) 

After the match we heeded for Holburn and The Shakespeare pub to celebrate wor fantastic win!

Next mornin' it waz back on the train to The Toon and straight back to work with anothaa 444 roond trip to Worcestershire in the offin'!

Waz it worth aall the effort?  "YOO BET IT WAZ!"

Toon team: Sels, Anita, Lascelles, Clark, Dummett (Hanley 65), Gouffran (Atsu 61), Hayden, Shelvey, Richie, Perez, Mitrovic (Yedin 81)

PS: The anly bigger away victory av seen came in a Leegue Cup tie at Notts Coonty a few years back when we won 7-1!