THE WINDOW SHUTS!

Posted '12:35pm bells' Thorsday 1st September 2016

Transfor deadline day closed at '11 bells' last neet with the news that 'The Sossoko Kid' haz signed for SPORZ for a reported THORTY MILLION!
Just how anybody can think a man who haz gone AWOL for the past 2 seasons iz worth SO much money iz beyond us!
This iz probably the best bit of transfor dealin' we've done in wor entire history!
£30 mill for a player who contributed to wor demise last season!
"WOW!"
Let us remind yoo wot Sissoko said in JOON this year!
"ARSENAL is one of the best teams in Europe!
I hope that I will have a chance soon to play for this club!"

Are yoo readin' this Sporz fans???

Rafa the Gaffa haz certainly pulled off a coup in this deal and just the othaa day he said:
"If someone wants Moussa they have to pay!" 
In total 19 players have left NUFC in the transfor window.

A total of 12 have arrived in that same period, namely:
Matz Sels, Matt Richie, Dwight Gayle, Jesus Gamez, Isaac Hayden, Grant Hanley, Ciaran Clark, Mohamad Diame, Deandre Yedlin, Daryl Murphy, Achraf Laazar and Christian Atsu

Those leavin' us---and 'good riddance' to most of them, are:
Marveaux, Obertan, Taylor, Cabella, Townsend, Coloccini, Cisse, Wijnaldum, Janmaat, Bigiramana and of course Sissoko!
On loan are: Thauvin, Mbabu, De Jong, Saivet, Krul, Armstrong, Sterry and Riviere

TRANSFOR DEADLINE DAY IZ UPON US!!!

Posted '1:15 pm bells' Wednesday 31st August 2016


WINDOW CLOSIN'!


Transfor deadline day iz here and so far we have signed 11 players and got rid of 18
A full list of 'in's and 'oot's will appear here tomorrow!

WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF!?" ***

Updated '10:15 am bells' 30th August 2016

The EFL Cup draw haz been kind to us once again for we have been drawn at home in the thord roond against Wolverhampton Wanabeez who must now play us TWICE in a few days at 'wor place' az we play them in the leegue az well on the Saturday before!

EFL: Saturday 17th September***'3 bells' 
EFL CUP: Tuesday 20th September***'7:45 bells'

THE TOON 2 NE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTON 0 *** EFL 2016-2017

Updated '11:05am bells' Munday 29th August 2016

SHELVEY FREE KICK GOAL (2nd half)
*Geordie Times excluuusive!

"LET US GO FOURTH!"

A thoroughly entertainin' game waz won 2-0 with 2 brill set piece goals from Jamaal Lascelles and Jonjo Shelvey.
To be honest, before the game aa would have been happy with a point against Chris Hughton's 'high flyers', given the fact that both wor proven strikers Mitrovic and Gayle were oot injured!

But aa needn't have worried az we put on wor best display of the season so far to push us up to the dizzy heights of FOURTH place in the table!
*'Ne Where Near Brighton' had anly lost 1 oot of their last 23 games but a fearless Toon side put them to the sword!
A Matt Richie free kick at The Gallowgate End foond the heed of Lascelles and he nodded past the visitors keeper to put us 1-0 up!
*(We say 'Ne Where Near Brighton' az their new ground ISN'T!)

LASCELLES GOAL (1st half)
*Geordie Times excluuusive!

Gouffran then hit the crossbar with a thorty yard screamer az we went for the 'jugular'!  HT 1-0 to 'us'!
The referee waz absolutleee cr*p and handed oot a stream of yellow cards to NUFC player for trivial offences---If anybody waz gannin to beat us it wasn't Brighton--but HIM!

We attacked The Leazes End in the 2nd half and the killer goal came in the 63rd minute when Shelvey hit an unstoppable free kick from outside the box, which gave their keeper 'ne chance'!

Just before that Brighton had a player sent off for a 2nd bookable offence and with Shelvey's goal the contest waz ower!

More chances went 'a beggin' and we had the settle for a 2-0 win which moves us up into the 'play off positions' in 4th place and of course a 4th win in a row---things are startin' to look UP --in more ways than one!

Toon team: Sels, Anita (Gamez 72), Mbemba, Lascelles, Dummett, Richie, Shelvey, Hayden, Gouffran (Yedlin 88), Diame (Colback 81), Perez 



Attendance: 49,196 (1,800 'Ne where Near Brighton' fans!) (*The Geordie Times predicted a 50,000 crowd!)
*The highest crowd in Ing-er-land on the day!  *


Happy Toon fans stream away from SJP after the match!

THE TOON v NE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTON *** TOMORROW TEATIME!

Posted '12:15pm bells' Friday 26th August 2016

Lookin' towards SJP from Leazes Park Road

Chris Hughton makes hiz thord retorn to SJP tomorrow in the visitors dugoot since hiz unceremonial dismissal in 2010 and lookin' for hiz forst win (the othaa 2 ended in defeat when he waz manager of Norwich)
*Ne where near Brighton are undefeated in 6 games so far this season so this will be a hard game---make ne misteak aboot that.
(*We say 'Ne Where Near Brighton', coz their new groond ISNT!)

With both Mitrovic and Gayle sidelined because of their injuries against Cheltenham on Tuesday neet wor forward line iz severely depleated.
Wor visitors have taken up an allocation of 2,250 tickets (max 3,200) with tickets still available--we understand

A limited number of tickets are available in the home stands az well  and we predict a crowd of ower 50,000 on this bank holiday weekend!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report and pix will appear here sometime on Sunday!---watch tis space az per usual!

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS U23s REPORT BELOW

Posted '1:00 pm bells' Thorsday 25th August 2016

At last!   a'v completed the match report from wor U23s game against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' U23s last Munday neet @ Dagenham & Redbridge! (see below!)

321 victoria road dagenham, west ham

Ground number 321
Date of First Visit: 22nd August 2016

Victoria Road (aka: Chigwell Construction Stadium!)
Dagenham, east London

West Ham United U23s  3
Newcastle United U23s  1 (Heardman)

Barclays Premier League 2, Division 2?
Attendance: 500 (estimated) (3 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers plus quite a few exiles!)

"WE MUST BE BARKING MAD!"

Aa didn't find oot til before wor home game against Readin' the previous Wednesday that this game waz bein' played at Dagenham & Redbridge's groond---a former leegue groond a'v never been te!

Aa aalready had the Friday off coz aa waz gannin to Bristol on an orly train on Saturday mornin' (aa work nights so aa HAD to have the Friday off)--plus the followin' Tuesday for wor home game v Cheltenham!---SO! (az yi de!) aa asked for the Munday off az well to gan to this game! (3 days hols lost in one go!)

Aa travelled doon on the 'high noon bells' train to King's Cross where NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' 'Alex of St George' (Middleton St George) and 'Dave from York' joined me at Darlo and York respectively!

On arrival in 'the smoke' we made for Barking on the tube (which iz near Dagenham) where Alex knew of some boozers and some 30 mins later we arrived there!
There were 2 boozers ootside the tube station which were caalled 'The Barking Dog' and 'The Spotted Dog' <(What else would yoo caall pubs in 'Barking'?)

DAVE'S IN THE DOG HOOSE! (or at least he will be when their lass finds
oot where he went when he left their hoose in York this mornin' to buy a paper!)

It waz then onward to East Dagenham tube station where some more 'liquid lubrications' were downed in 'The Pipe Major'!
The Dagenham clubhoose waz wor last 'port o call' before the match where 2 Toon fans were drinkin'--'Paul W' who iz workin' doon London and 'Cockney Greg' who waz a larger than life figure--shall we say!

Mee two travellin' companians Dave and Alex insisted on buyin' aall my beers az they have free train travel az ex British Rail employees, whereas 'little ol' me' had to pay nearly £71 to de this trip! ----That's what fiends are for! ("ER!"---for 'fiends' read 'FRIENDS'!) Cheers lads!

Claret and blue skies in east Landan! 

This waz of course wor forst visit to West Ham's new home---(and we don't meen The Olympic Stadium) for this iz where their U23s will play this season, although some 30 or so 'Daggers' fans ootside the directors entrance wornt happy with their chairman for some reason and were shoutin' for hiz heed!

The game kicked off in glorious sunshine and we attacked 'The Traditional Builders Stand' (honest!---see pic below!)

We didn't start off well and 'The Jellied Eels Mob' went for goal straight away and it wasn't lang before they took the lead with a very dodgy lookin' penalty in the 20th minute!

Samuelson went doon like a 'sack of taaties' in the box after Sakta tackled him and hiz 'dive' would have won the gold medal in the Olympic games in Rio! <(pity for him the 'games' had just finished!) The resultin' penalty put us on the back foot and despite havin' Adam Armstrong in attack we couldn't get anywhere near the home goal!
'The Jellied Eels Mob' doubled their lead just before the break and really, even by this time, we looked a beaten side!

The Toon attack The Jellied Eels Mob's goal (just before the end)

A thord goal in the 70th minute put 'The Dagger' through wor heart (excuse the pun!) and it waz now a case of damage limitation.
Tom Heardman, who had come on az a sub pulled one back for us with a low drive in the 82nd minute, but waz a case of 'too little too late' to retrieve the game.

We had little ower an hour to get back to King's Cross to catch the last train at '10 bells' and an anxious 3 tube changes later we (thankfully!) made it with minutes to spare!

A torturous fower hour train ride waz then endued (because of 'line work'!) and az 'Dave from York' got off--"er!"--at YORK (where else?) aa had visions of hiz lass Lesley waitin' for him when he got yem <(withoot the paper of course!)>>>

'Alex of St George' departed at Darlo station and at '2am bells' the train finally pulled into 'The Central'

"Anothaa one off the list!"   

"WE WAZ THERE!"


Geordie Times milestone/millstone!:
This waz mee 130th club groond a'v visited to watch NUFC, which haz hosted
leegue futbaall  at one time or anothaa (150 if yoo include the Scottish leegue)

CORRECTION! A'v missed 2 leegue groonds oot for Darlo and
1 for Gretna in Scotland***that's 132 plus 21 = 153 British leegue groonds 

THE TOON 2 CHELTENHAM TOON 0 *** EFL CUP 2nd ROOND 2016-2017

Posted '11:42am bells' Wednesday 24th August 2016

"BANDAGE-MAN ONE' TO THE RESCUE!"

THE TOON attack the far Leazes goal!
(View from Gallowgate End middle tier)

In wot torned oot to be a dire game of futbaall we finally came through this tie with both wor goals bein' scored by a man with a bandage on hiz heed named Perez who had suffered a heed injury! <(believe it or not!?)

In aall THREE! players ended up with bandages on their heeds--the othaa two bein' Dwight Gayle for 'us' and a Cheltenham player when their heeds clashed in The Gallowgate End penalty box!

After hardly a shot on goal az we attacked The Leazes End in the forst half, we finally made the breakthrough in stoppage time when Perez hit a curlin' shot into the back of the net just after he'd had hiz heed bandaged! <(makes a change to score a goal in stoppage time than concede one!)
One worry waz that returnin' striker Mitrovic went off in the 37th minute after sustainin' wot looked like a ankle injury!)

2nd half action az The Toon attack the Gallowgate goal!

The 2nd goal came just after the restart when again, Perez came to the rescue!---A bad back pass from a Cheltenham defender fell straight to Dwight Gayle's feet and he (unselfishly!) gave the baall to Perez, who tapped it into the empty net to secure the victory!
Gayle then had HIS clash of heeds and bandage and it waz gettin' a bit confusin' az to who waz who?

Jamie celebrates "Bandage-man ONE's" 2nd goal!

Gayle waz then 'christened' "Bandage -man TWO!" by mee grandson Jamie (Perez waz "Bandage-man ONE!"--by the way!)
(Gayle ,who had substituted Mitrovic waz himself them substituted by Anita in the 58th minute az a precaution)

We controlled the game after this with several good chances gone 'a-beggin' with Shelvey in particular fluffin' a great chance!

Final score: Bandage-man ONE  2  Cheltenham Toon  0!

Toon team: Darlow, Sterry, Lascelles, Hanley, Gamez, Aarons (Gouffran 23), Shelvey, Colback, Perez, Diame, Mitrovic <(Gayle37) <(Anita 58)

Attendance: 21,972 (442 Cheltenham fans in The Leazes/East Stand corner )   The Geordie Times predicted a 25,000 crowd!*

Jamie celebrates wor victory in The Newcastle Arms beer bar
after the match with a 'coke beer' in a taall glass!

THE TOON v CHELTENHAM TOON **** EFL CUP 2nd ROOND**** TOONEET!

Posted '1:55pm bells' Tueaday 23rd August 2016

SJP FROM CHINATOON

We face a club called 'The Robins' for the 2nd time in fower days (aalso Bristol City's nickname) and this will be their forst ever visit to SJP.
The anly othaa time we have played them waz away in the FA Cup in 2005 when we won 2-0 with goals from Michael Chopra and Scott Parker (see archive grounds list in right hand column ---ground 255)  

It's a glorious day here on Tyneside az aa look oot mee window across the sacred Tyne River and with the kids still bein' off school and anly a fiver for them to get in, we expect loads of them to be in attendance tooneet (inc. mee 6 year old grandson Jamie!)

Therefore 'The Geordie Times' predicts a crowd of aroond aboot 25,000 for this Leegue Cup tie!

Aleksander Mitrovic iz now free to play and we fully expect him to play some part in the game followin' suspension and we expect Karl Darlow to be in goal with Matz Sels rested!

A full match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

PS: 'The Geordie Times' waz at Dagenham and Redbridge last neet to watch wor U23s play West Ham's equivalent and a full match and drinkin' den report will appear here later this week when aa get time to de it! (we lost 3-1---Heardman waz wor goalscorer)

097 (revisited) ashton gate, bristol

Ground number 097 (revisited)
Date of this visit: 20th August 2016

Bristol City 0
Newcastle United 1 (Gayle)

EFL
Attendance 22, 512 (2,500 Toon fans)

"LET THE TRAINS PUDDLE YOUR BRAINS!"

"WE MAY AZ WELL HAVE GOT ONE OF THEEEZE!
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH QUICKER AND RELIABLE!"

If anything could gan wrang on a train jorney, then it certainly did on this trip.
Things were tight anyway az we had to change trains at Bormingham and anly had a few mins to spare between connections.
The forst sign of trouble waz just after Darlo station when a muffled announcement ower the train tannoy said sommik aboot changin' trains at Derby? (surely they didn't meen us!?)
Then forthaa doon the line it waz conformed that there waz a fault on the train and we would have to get on anothaa one at Derby to get to Bormingham!

Like aa say times were 'tight' and to add to wor problems we were telt that the 6 carriage train we were on---(which waz packed to the rafters!)--- would change to a 4 carriage train when we got there!

Pandemonium loomed!---We made sure that we were near the exit when the train pulled into Derby station and after a mad scramble to get off and get a seat on the next train a lad telt us that the reason we had to change trains waz because the one we were on had a HEEDLIGHT OOT! <(Wot---we had to change trains for THAT!)

Anyway!--we got a seat and az yi'd expect there were people standin' in the alleyways az there wornt enough seats (6 into 4 doesn't gan!)

WE arrived at New Street (Bormingham) on platform 11 and unbelievably we had to gan through the ticket barrier and back in again in anothaa part of the station to get to platform 1, which waz the Bristol train!---We made it---JUST!---mainly because THAT train waz runnin' late!
3 train joneys later and we arrived in Bristol at '11:15 bells' and made for a Wetherspoons boozer around the corner!---The anly problem waz that everybody else had the same idea and they were 6 deep at the bar tryin' to get sorved!!!!

However!---we knew of anothaa boozer in a little side street oot the way called 'The Barley Mow' and thankfully it waz virtually empty and easy to get sorved!---and DID we need a caad pint to quench wor thorsts!!!

We stopped there til it waz time to gan to the match and az the ground waz ower 3 miles away, 2 taxis were ordered to get us there!

Aa forst went to Ashton Gate in 26 years ago and the groond haz changed a bit since then ---A brand new main stand and a refurbished stand opposite and the end we were in waz now covered (which wasn't in 1990 az it waz an open standin' terrace back then)

The game I'm afraid wasn't much better than wor train jorney doon but we did have ONE moment of brilliance when Dwight Gayle latched onto a superb through baall from Diame and lashed it into the net at the end where we were housed and the roof nearly lifted off az we celebrated the goal!
To be honest I'm a bit worried aboot Sels in goal az he cant seem to deal with crosses and better teams than 'The Big Bristols' <(They are bigger than Bristol Rovers---arnt they!) will surely take advantage!
That waz it I'm afraid az the rest of the game waz a bore with both teams seemingly unable to put more than 2 passes together--but we held oot for the 3 points and looked forward to the train jorney yem <(NOT!) which involved anothaa 3 trains to get back!

The forst,from Bristol to Manchester (we couldn't get a direct train back eethaa!) waz terminated at Bormingham az they didn't have enough train crew to take us to Mancland!  We were told that we could catch a train to Derby, then to Leeds, then to York and finally yem! (That's FIVE trains back!)   We protested to the ticket inspector and we were then told that they would hold a train back at Bormingham which would take directly to York---which we did
However!---we had to wait at York for ower an hour for wor train which waz due at just before 'midneet bells' and 'The York Tap' boozer waz an unexpected 'port o caall'!

Aa finally arrived back yem at 1':30 am bells', some 6 and a half hours after leavin' Bristol!--and 6 trains after leavin' The Toon!
Aaall in the line of duty of course!

Toon team: Sels, Anita, Clark, Colback, Mbemba, Lascelles, Hayden (Shelvey 87), Richie, Gayle (Aarons 88), Diame (Perez 63), Gouffran

Attendance: 22, 512 (2,500 Toon fans) This waz The Big Bristols biggest gate for 26 years! 

* more pix to follow!

PS: "NEW GROOND!---NEW GROOND!"  Off to Dagenham in east Landon in an hours time to watch wor U23s play West Ham U23s tooneet !---by TRAIN!---(will I never lorn!)