HMS NEWCASTLE

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 9th March 2016

There iz still 'deathly silence' from within the corridors of NUFC, some fower days since wor disastrous 3-1 home defeat to the hands of those futbaall 'giants', AFC Bournemoooth!

"MEEENWHILE!"


"DO THEY REEELY 'FINK' WE ARE AZ THICK AZ PLANKS!?"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Munday 7th March 2016

Az a season ticket holder I get a 'weekly newsletter' from NUFC

In this weeks newsletter there iz NE mention whatsoever of wor current predicament, BUT! there IZ a quiz to win VIP tickets for wor forthcomin' home game with The SMBs!

"UNBELEEEVIBLE!"

THE TOON 1 BOURNEMOOOTH 3 ! *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016 *** SLEEPWAALKIN' TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF!

Updated '10:36am bells' Sunday 6th March 2016

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!!!

"FROM THE WALLY WITH THE BROLLY"---
"TO THE GOON FROM THE TOON!"


NUFC 1  Bournemoooth 3---March 2016!



 

"ING-ER-LAND" 2  Croatia 3---November 2007!

Make ne missteak, NUFC are sleepwaalkin' to the edge of
the cliff and it wont be too lang til we fall into The
Championship below, on this evidence!

 

The 'warm weather' trainin break obviously paid dividends
az we have taken precisely NE points from the 2 games
since we came back from Spain!

 

Buoyant Bournemoooth came for the 3 points and got
them 'ne bothaa' az The Toon simply couldn't deal
with their forward play and wor inabilitly to deal with it
cost us the game!

  The Toon attack @ The Gallowgate End (1st half)

 

'The Goon from The Toon' (McClaren's new name!)
got it completleee wrang again when he picked
Riviere to partner
Perez up front az Riviere haz anly scored ONE goal in
the last 2 seasons!

Hiz substitution at half time said it aall---and by this point
we were 1-0 doon through an own goal from Steve
Taylor who sliced the baall into hiz own net @
The Leazes End!

  Lookin' toward The East Stand

 

When it got to 2-0, aall 'The Goon' could de waz to 'hide'
like 'a frightened rabbit' on the bench and take a swig from
hiz bottle of waataa az the crowd finally torned on him,
chantin' "Steve McClaren--your takin' us doon!"

   WATER TORTURE!

Perez pulled one back 10 mins from time when Shelvey gave
him a great through baall and he finished nicely to give us
a glimmer of hope!

This soon evaporated (like McClaren's waataa!) when the
visitors sealed a much desorved 3-1 victory in the final
minute of the game az the crowd vanished from the stands!

 

   2nd half action @ The Leazes End

 

Even 'The Goon from The Toon' admitted later (for the
forst time!) that we WILL be relegated if we play like
that!----the words of a doomed man very close to the cliff edge!

 

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Taylor, Lascelles,
Dummett (Anita 31), Shelvey, Colback, Sissoko
(Aarons 59), Perez, Wijnaldum, Riviere (Mitrovic 46)

 

Attendance: 52,107 (amazingleee, the highest of the
season to watch this shambles!)  (3,100 happy
Bournemoooth fans) *


Finally! lets remind worsels wot Steve Taylor said when
we came back from wor 'warm weather' trainin'!

 



 





THE TOON v BOURNEMOOOTH *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 4th March 2016

Bournemoooth away orlier this season----
Happier days!---The Toon (in white) actually win an away game!---just!
 

With just 11 games to gan to save wor season, we take on Bournemoooth @ SJP in yet anothaa must win game!---anly this time we MUST! win it or trips to MK Dons and BURTON next season look to be on the cards! (Burton are top of Leegue 1)

An easy game?---you'd better NOT believe it, az wor visitors have lost just ONE oot of their last TEN competitive away games!---while we have won just FOWER at home in the leegue so far this sorry sorry season!

Bournemoooth will have a great followin' and have sold aall of their 3,100 allocation for the Leazes top tier!

They are actually now EIGHT points clear of NUFC after their 2-0 derby win against Sooothampton orlier this week!

With Swanzee (unexpectadly!) winnin' away to 'The Arse' az well in midweek we are now SIX points adrift of 5th bottom place alang with The SMBs, Norwich and of course Villa (who looked doomed for certain!)

Like we say---a win iz a 'must'---a draw iz 'ne good' and a defeat iz 'a disaster'!

A full match report will appear here sometime on Sunday

THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 3rd March 2016

THE TOON ATTACK THE AWAY END 1st half  (dark strip---for a 'dark' performance!)

"X' CERTIFICATE!"

After an 18 day sunshine break in southern Spain yoo would have thought that NUFC would retorn refreshed and 'rarin to go' in wor bid to avoid the dreaded drop!----And wot did we get????---yet anothaa inept shockin' display beneath the floodlights, rain, sleet and howlin' wind!

With less than 2,000 Toon fans shiverin' to death in the visitors enclosure to witness this latest debacle, it waz a sorry sight az the team trundled dejectedly off the pitch at the end to 'howls of derision' from those still left in the away end!

It waz obvious from the start that 'The Brollyless Wally' had set hiz stall oot to try and get a goal-less draw and a point---and the fact that not one solitary corner came wor way in the forst period and just a couple of 'powder puff' efforts from wor lack lustre strikers? said it aall az we faced a Stoke side that were awful az well!

2nd half 'action'?

The killer blow in this dreadful game came 10 mins from time when Jack Colback failed to clear from the edge of the box and the baall fell nicely to Xherdan Shaqiri---
and 'Mr X' gleefully hammered the baall past Rob Elliot in 'The Toon' goal, az he stood 'rooted to the spot'----az the rest of wor defence looked on!

A late effort from sub Doumbia waz brilliantly saved by Butland in the home goal---but the game waz up by this time!

That's SEVEN defeats in a row away from home now---and with just SEVEN goals scored on the road we are heedin' for wor lowest away goals tally---EVER!

With just 11 games to gan, it looks now like a straight fight between NUFC, The SMBs and Norwich, just az to who will join Villa in the 2nd flight next season, az aall 3 of the above mentioned are stuck on 24 points!

Unbeleeevibly McClaren claimed after the match that we were "unlucky" az Butland had "saved them!" and that "we didn't deserve that!"---Az they would say in a Xmas pantomime 
"OH YES WE DID!" 

'The Wally' obviously watched a different 'pantomime' to us!???

He then uttered theeze 'inspirational' words! "Dust yourself down and go again on Saturday!"

We reely divvint naa wot to say any more!
---we are f*****' speechless!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Lascelles, Taylor, Dummett, Colback (Perez 84), Shelvey, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Gouffran (Riviere 74), Mitrovic (Dombia 84)

Attendance: 27,331 (less than 2,000 diehards this time!) *

THE HARVESTER

The pre match 'gargels' took place here!---the anly boozer anywhere near the groond which waz 'rammed' <(yoo have to 'pre-book' to get in!---honest!) <(Sarnie Steve booked a table for us!)

THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE v THE TOON **** TOONEET!

Posted '11:50am bells' Wednesday 2nd March 2016

ACTION FROM LAST SEASON @ STOKE---WE LOST 1-0!
(TOON IN DARK STRIP)

Havin' not played for 18 days due to failures on the field and had a 'sunshine break' in between az a 'reward for that'?, we heed for 'The Potteries' toneet for yet anothaa vital game.
Results ower the last few days of othaa relegation haunted clubs have been fairly kind to us, but we still find worsels now in 2nd bottom place on goal difference.

Snow iz forecast on this chilly night aheed and so lets hope that 'trip to the sun' and 'waam weather' friendly win against those giants of Europe, Lillestrom! have instilled some confidence in us!

We have lost on wor last 3 visits here and havin' taken just 7 points away this season and scored just 7 goals on wor travels az well---the odds divvint look good in wor favour---do they?

We leave at '2 bells', hopefully not to battle through snowdrifts to get there and hopefully for a good result against Stoke----we shall soon find oot!

Match report will appear here tomorrow sometime!

YET MORE BLANKETY BLANKS!

Posted '10:33am bells' Saturday 27th February 2016


"YES!---IT'S ME AGAIN!"

For the 2nd week in a row and 7th weekend this season we find worsels withoot a game--this time it's due to Man City's participation in the Leegue Cup final tomorrow afternoon!

Accordin' to NUFC's latest 'newsletter' we are "Doing ok!" and "NO need to panic!"---This iz for a team that finds itself in a relegation place with anly 12 games to 'save wor skins'!

With 4 of the 5 relegation threatened teams playin' TWICE before we play Stoke away on Wednesday neet, we could find worsels in deep deep trouble come Wednesday mornin'!

Steven Taylor trotted oot the usual bile, when he said: "We must stand up and be counted!" and "Lets do away with defeats!"  (16 defeats oot of wor last 20 away, by the way, Steve!)

The friendly win ower Lillestrom of Norway last Saturday in a field in Spain haz been ower-hyped to the extreme!

The way McClaren and the players have went on aboot it, yoo would have thought that we'd beaten Real Madrid or Barcelona!---not a part time outfit from a mediocre leegue, who hadn't played for 2 months and had finished 8th last season (their season doesn't begin til March)

"Buryin' your heed in the sand!" iz a phrase that comes to mind!

"IZ THAT YOO, STEVE!?"

NE MORE TELLY GAMES ANNOONCED!

Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 26th February 2016


NO APRIL FOOLS ON HERE!


The latest roond of live telly fixtures for April have just been announced and we have to tell yoo that The Toon feature in NONE OF THEM!

This iz a huge relief az we fully expected wor relegation game away to Norwich would be switched to a Munday neet---but it will now be played on it's original Saturday 3 bells start!

The fixtures picked are up until May, which meenz that anly 2 more games can be moved for live transmission, which are Villa away and Man City @ SJP

Wor trip to Lestaa (March Munday neet fixture) and at home to the SMBs (March Sunday dinnaatime fixture)  are the anly live games up till that date!

ARCHIVE GROUND NUMBER 091

Posted '12:40pm bells' Wednesday 24th February 2016

It's time to dig into the archives again and this one iz 'a classic' from an FA Cup tie at Reading more than a qwaataa of a century ago, when! we aall got a bit inebriated!---just a 'little bit'!

091 elm park, reading

 

(Ground number 091 (revisited)

Date of Visit: 27^th January 1990

Elm Park, Reading

 

Reading  3

Newcastle United  3  (McGee (2), Quinn)

 

FA Cup 4th round

Attendance: 11,989 (est 2,000 Toon fans)

 

“Wheaze keyz are theaze?”

 

Several of us set off from ‘The Central’ on an orly train to King’s Cross sufferin’ from hangowers from the previous neet ‘binge session’ in ‘The Forth’, ‘The Star’ and ‘The Waterloo’, etc

 

We’d played ‘The Biscuitmen’ @ Elm Park for the forst time ever in The Leegue Cup orlier that season when we lost 3-1 and unbelievably we drew them away again in the FA Cup!

 

On arrival in ‘the smoke’ we made for Paddington where the train to Reading waz leavin’ from. Elm Park wasn’t far from the station and we did several ‘liquid lubrication locations’ on the way and by the time we got to the ground we were ‘canny snozzled’!

 

We took up wor places on the open standin’ terrace behind the goal, just in time to see the kick off.

Behind this open end there were a row of terraced hooses with their back gardens backin’ onto the perimeter wall. An old wifey waz hangin’ hor washin’ on a line, which included a very large pair of ‘pantaloons’! <(bloomers!) which she fastened with some clothes pegs she had in hor mouth!

The game kicked off and straight away The Toon went for the ‘jugular’. After a few chances we finally took the lead in the 27^th minute when a Ray Ranson free kick on the edge of the box foond the heed of Mickey Quinn and he nodded the baall goalwards. The baall went in off the post az the Reading goalie got a hand to it, but couldn’t stop it enterin’ the net! --- 1-0 to ‘us’!

 

The lead didn’t last lang however az Bjorn Kristensen lost possession and the baall finally fell to the feet of full back Lindon Jones and he fired the baall past Burridge in the Toon goal --- 1-1!

A quick throw in a few minutes later allowed ‘Quinny’ to have a ‘half shot’ which foond the grateful Mark McGee and he had the simple task of puttin’ the baall into an empty net to restore wor lead az their goalie went ‘AWOL’! ---2-1 to ‘us’!

 

Disaster them befell us again on the stroke of half time when ‘Quinny’ attempted a back pass to ’Budgie’ Burridge but the baall foond Senior instead and he slid the baall into the net az Stimpson tried to whack it clear, but the linesman flagged to say that the baall HAD crossed the line! --- 2-2 nuw!

Again we re-took the lead orly in the 2^nd half when a Ranson left footed shot waz parried by Francis in the Reading goal, but the baall fell nicely to Mark McGee who gleefully knocked home the rebound! –3-2 to ‘us’!

 

However!---this iz NUFC and 3 minutes into injury time the home side again drew level when a disastrous 40 yard back pass from John Gallacher, who waz under ne pressure, foond Reading winger Gilkes instead and he had the easy task of knockin’ the baall past Burridge to complete the greatest give-away since the invention of the January sales!!!

 

After the match we heeded straight back to Reading station and caught the forst train back to Paddington, where (again!) a canny few pints were shifted doon wor ‘gregorys’ and it waz at this point we lost ‘Fawlty Towers’ who waz a bit ‘cattle-trucked’ to say the least!

 

It waz then ‘onward’ to Hammersmith where we bumped into ‘Malla’, an exiled Geordie who worked in London az a painter and desercrator <(No!—this iz not a spellin’ error!) alang with several other exiles who worked doon there. Malla used to de hand drawn cartoons aboot the exploits of hiz fellow companions and called it “ER!” ‘The Geordie Times’! <(where we got the name from for this blog!)

Malla had digs opposite Charing Cross Hospital on Fulham Palace Road and he telt me aa could ‘doss’ there for the neet before catchin’ the train yem the next mornin’!

 

After many more ‘liquid lubrications’ in ‘The Swan’ and various othaa waaterin’ holes aroond Hammersmith we heeded off to ‘Malla’s pad for some much needed ‘shut-eye’---he said “This iz where aa live!” az he pointed towards a row of aboot 30 terraced hooses opposite Charing Cross Hospital and he invited me in!

“Aa’m starvin’!” said I (haadin’ mee beer-gut!) az Malla produced a very large bunch of keys to open the door! “There’s a fish shop and a chingkeez doon the road if yi want a ‘nose bag’!—Here’s the keys to let yersel back in!”, he said az he handed them to me (There were keys for hiz hoose, van and place he waz workin’ amongst others!)

 

So ‘off aa went’, trundlin’ doon the road from side to side and by pure chance aa bumped into ‘Tex’ Taylor who had been drinkin’ with us orlier on!

“Aa’m stoppin’ at Malla’s place up the road!”, aa said to Tex, “But aa’m gaannin for a ‘nose-bag’ forst coz aa’m claamin’—like!”

He followed me to ‘the chingkeez’ where 2 chicken currys with chips, fried rice and wontongs were consumed on the way back to Malla’s hoose and aa spilt half the curry sauce doon the front of mee Toon top!

The anly problem WAZ!---aa couldn’t remember which door it waz???—Aa took a wild guess and tried the keys in a front door lock, but it wouldn’t turn ---and so aa knocked loudly and sleepy eyed gadgie built like a Masai warrior who waz wearin’ a dressin’ gown and  a snazzy pair of carpet slippers (eventually!) came doon and answered the door <(ie: NOT Malla coz he’s a skinny c**t!) and he waz ‘non too pleezed’ to be awoken from hiz slumbers by 2 drunken Geordies! --“Sorry mate!—wrang hoose!” aa said sheepishly az he angrily slammed the front door in wor faces, mutterin’ sommik not very nice in a broad ‘Landan’ accent! <(“Fackin’ Cockney bustard!”)

 

Not wantin’ to risk anothaa confrontation like that! and not havin’ a clue which waz Malla’s door, we decided to try and find somewhere else to kip for the night and heeded off back doon the road!

“Aa naa where there’s some railway sidings---We can climb into a carriage and get some sleep on the seats!”, said Tex

And so---‘off we set’ to find wor beds for the neet---it wasn’t that far away and so we sneaked onto a train in the sidings and ‘crashed oot’! “ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!”

 

Aboot 2 hours later aa felt a ‘jolt’ and opened mee ‘mincers’ and looked oot the window---

“TONY!” aa shouted <(Tex’s othaa name) “THE PLATFORM’S MOVIN’!”

Tex awoke suddenly and said, “It’s NOT the platform that’s movin’ yi daft C***!---It’s the F***IN’ TRAIN!”

 

PANIC STATIONS!!!—The train went for a few miles and suddenly stopped at Harringay Station!---It waz time to make A SHARP exit az we didn’t have a clue just where the train waz gannin’!

 

On alighting from the train aa fumbled in mee pocket and produced a large bunch of keys which I damgled in front of Tex

“Where did yi get them from?” he said  “Aa havvent got a clue?”  aa replied in a drunken stupor and az they were weighin’ mee pocket doon aa hoyed them away onto the railway tracks!

 

We then made wor way in the direction of King’s Cross, az by this time it waz ‘5 bells’ in the mornin’ and the forst train back yem waz due in!  Az we sobered up around aboot the Durham area the realisation ‘HIT ME’ that the ‘MYSTERY KEYS’ were wot Malla had given me to get into hiz flat!!!

Luckily! <(for me!) there were ne mobile phones in them days and Malla didn’t have my land-line number, so he couldn’t rant and rave at me!---until the next time we met at least!

Next day aa went doon to ‘The North British Bar’ (since renamed ‘Raffertys’) in Pink Lane near to ‘The Central’ where a’d arranged to meet Fawlty Towers’ who we’d lost at Paddington the day before and had never seen since!?

On orderin’ mee ‘liquid lubrication’ the ‘telling-bone’ rang behind the coontaa and the manager asked if there waz a ‘Fink’ in the bar! <(remember?---NE mobiles in them days!)

Aa reluctantly put mee hand up and hoped (and prayed) that it WASN’T Malla on the othaa end!---Thankfully It WASN’T—it waz ‘Fawlty’ to my great relief!

 

“Are yi comin’ doon for a a few ‘gargels’?” aa asked him!

“A’m in SOUTH WALES!---aa got the wrang train!—thought aa waz in King’s Cross, NOT Paddington and ended up in CARDIFF!”  <(yi couldn’t make it up!)

“SO!—yi NOT comin’ for a drink then!”, aa replied az he slammed the phone doon at the othaa end!

 

A few weeks later in ‘The Adelphi’ aa bumped into Malla ,  who waz non too pleased to see me!  “Where’s mee keys like?” he said in a not too friendly voice!

Wot could aa say???---aa just shrugged mee shoulders and bought him a pint to calm him doon!

“Aa had to get some new keys cut for mee hoose, van and work and mee landlord and work’s gaffer were NOT ‘happy bunnies’ when aa telt them a’d lost their keys!”

However!---He understood (from forst hand experience!) that the ravages of alchohol de funny things to your brain cells and he haz half forgiven me! <(Aa ‘fink’?)

To this day aa caall him “Wheayz Keyz Malla” and produce a bunch of rattlin’ keys from mee pocket when aa see him---just to remind him---like! <(NOT that he’ll ever forget!)

 

PS: We won the replay 4-1 with Mark McGee (2), Micky Quinn and Mark Robinson getting’ wor goals---(this waz Robinson’s one and anly goal for NUFC)

We never played @ Elm Park again <(Reading have moved on to ‘pastures new’)